Feeling sad today

[Jennylove]

It's like, no family is perfect and there will always be ups and downs. But what I've noticed in "normal" families is they come together when the parents get older and spend time together. But not my family. The older my dad and SM have gotten, the more they ignore my sister and I. As if we are bad people. I've never asked them for anything, I've paid my way for everything without any help  since age 18. I've only been huffy at times because they spend more time with people my age and have called them  more in 1 month than what I've gotten my whole life. Am I bad for being upset over this and voicing my feelings? And now it's like I'm some drama queen and they've slowly cut me off over the years too the final plug pulling last month.

I've always dreamed of picking them up for a late night dinner or coffee run in their older years with us sitting together and laughing about things from the past. This dream will never happen and I don't understand why. It's like, I've seriously been like the dream child since age 17 -responsible and self-sufficient. I had friends through their 20s who still received help in some way from their folks whether it was financial help or simply asking them to run errands for them. I've never asked for anything except their time. I've been told they tell people I have "anger issues" which is crazy! And so hurtful. Even if I did, which I do not, who tells ppl that?

 Same goes for my sister. She is their biggest scapegoat because she is a weak link from years of their emotional abuse. Now that she's a mother and an excellent one, they find fault in her parenting skills and talk smack about her to other people.

We can't win. It hurts to much to see ppl my age that I went to HS with and they've somehow befriended recently post pictures of all of them out to eat with my dad/SM. Or of my dad holding one of their kids and having fun, meanwhile, his 11 yo grandson is left in the dust because my dad was offended that my nephew said "I'm bored" at his house last Christmas.

Uggh just so much dysfunction. And yet it's sister and I who are the bad guys and get talked about.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Jennylove

It really is tough when you have a disordered parent who seems incapable or unwilling to be a real parent. As difficult as it can be, what might help is to keep reminding yourself that their behavior isn't a reflection of who you really are at all but only a projection of their own inner turmoil and negativity. Their behavior is a reflection of their own distorted thinking and perception.

Accepting the reality of what it means to have a BPD parent isn't easy. Accepting this reality also means letting go of the loving fantasy parent you probably never really had and sadly, based on past experiences, likely won't ever have. Accepting this can be very hard because deep inside, we often might still very much long for this fantasy parent we never had. Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the reality of your dad and stepmom being disordered and how their disorder limits the relationship you are able to have with them?

BPD unfortunately often presents children of BPD parents with a sad reality indeed. Are you perhaps familiar with the concept of radical acceptance? The so-called reality acceptance skills might help you come to terms with the harsh reality of your disordered dad and stepmother:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.
 And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

Dr. Marsha Linehan, also recognizes and acknowledges how hard acceptance can be:

It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.
... .
Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read more here: Practicing radical acceptance by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D.

[Turkish]

I have similar dreams, Jennylove. They are nice dreams 

My mom lived 120 miles away in a small county.  She had pictures of my kids and would show them to everyone and brag about how handsome my son was and how beautiful my daughter was (they didn't get it from me!).  People would tell me how proud she was. 

We were visiting her and had gone out to a BBQ joint. As we were exiting, a woman commented about how pretty a girl  then D3 was.  My mom said,  that D3 could hear, "I wish people wouldn't focus upon how people look,  it isn't right!" She said something more I can't remember.  I cringed, not that I disagreed with the underlying sentiment,  but that she made it about her, and said it in front of my daughter. It actually pissed me off but I let it go.  I grew up with my mom always telling me,  from the youngest that I could remember,  about how homely she was.  Couldn't we just have a nice dinner without some weirdness?

[zachira]

I hear your pain and sorrow over wanting to have a caring relationship with your parents. I too would like to have one with my mother before she dies, and unfortunately it is never going to happen. I am dreading the pain I will feel when she dies because there will always be so much regret over the relationship we could have had. The scapegoating by borderline parents is the worst: all the made-up stories and bad things they say about their children. All the criticism really hurts and the dirty looks from others who believe the lies is so hurtful. It is really all about their inability to see their children as separate people and a strong need to project their bad feelings about themselves onto their children. Explaining why we are treated so badly by borderline parents will never take the pain and sorrow away about the relationship we wished we could have had with our parents who are the people who are supposed to love us more than anything in the world. The only solution I find is to love myself as best I can for who I am and to have friends who treat me with love, kindness, and respect.
I really admire how much you and your sister have achieved: having good jobs, being great parents, etc  Keep us posted on how you are doing as we care, and hopefully can help you on this difficult journey.