Dodging Bullets Like Neo

[Tattered Heart]

It's been a rough 3 weeks. My H's mood has taken a significant downward turn and he is just super angry and negative. It's gotten worse in the last week after his boss got onto him last Friday.

Things that have been upsetting to him this week:
I picked up a dirty knife and he thought I was going to use it cut veggies
The dog is being a dog
Questioning who I was texting when I was just checking my email
I asked him to help with the exact same farm chores that I he readily agreed to the day before
I went to bed. He said he would join me later. I fell asleep before he came to bed.
He interrupted me during my workout and I didn't respond quick enough
I didn't hear him say something and asked him to repeat it
I shared my feelings with him and he later condemned me for feeling emotions
I excitedly asked him if he did some of the dishes (I was going to thank him); he responded by telling me no, but he arranged them so I can't get mad at him now (which I wasn't going to)
I couldn't find a cutting board he put away
Politics, gun debate, children in politcs,
I'm ruining his life because I went to church last Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning for Easter
I'm ruining his life because I didn't buy potato chips
I'm dealing with a tech problem at work and he does that everyday so his life is worse
Wireless 5.0 is going to control our mind
No new movies on Netflix

He has only yelled at me twice and I easily handled those scenarios. He realized he was being dramatic and stopped with an apology. I find that I am losing my patience with him though. I could have handled many of these scenarios better. Caught myself JADEing a little bit. I'm getting snappy back with him. Mostly I've tried to validate or just walk away when I can tell he isn't really upset about anything and just making noise.

I have 2 standards for which I measure what "normal" for our relationship looks like:
1. I don't dread coming home
2. He isn't yelling more than a couple times a month
Neither of these is applicable right now so it means things are not well.

I want to scream: "Shut up! Life is not that bad! Get over yourself!" I know that won't do any good and will only make things worse. 

I need some ideas for centering myself when my storehouse is depleted. If this was just a day or two it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I could handle it. He is home constantly. Icey weather is coming in this afternoon so me going somewhere else isn't an option. Basically we are stuck at home together once I get home from work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

I hear ya! I have days where my storehouse of patience comes up short. I haven’t had the time or space to study and remind myself of the best practices with my h’s traits so I am not as careful in my speech as I want to be lately. On the upside I’m just saying what I need/want to, and that is not all bad. I can’t carry this all inside in silence. I think that is partly why I have these patience issues. I am not properly processing my backlog of stuff from the last months.

I was fantasizing today about starting up a routinized meditation practice again because I think this is great way to get one’s patience back. I need slowed reaction times to things he says and does so I can be properly measured in my responses.

Any chance you could find something new and unique to do to give yourself some extra joy?

warmly, pearl.

[NGU]

Hi Tattered.

Seeing that list is close to horrifying. Hopefully it's OK to blatantly ignore your request for centering ideas and ask a question instead.

Do you know what might have initially triggered this three weeks ago?

-ngu

[isilme]

He has only yelled at me twice and I easily handled those scenarios. He realized he was being dramatic and stopped with an apology.

I just want to say this sounds like a much better place to be than things used to be/could be.  That is something to hold on to.  It shows he's more aware of how he's acting, and while he can't always stop it, when he can, he does, and that he's trying.  

I wish I had more to offer than that - I never know where to pull energy when I feel like that, either.  H went off last night because he was disappointed in how a TV show episode ended.  

[Tattered Heart]

Do you know what might have initially triggered this three weeks ago?

-ngu

Not completely sure but for the last couple months he has been working overnights a few nights a week. His last night’s were 2 weeks ago so it could either be just the schedule change OR the overnights gave him a focus for his anxiety so now that they are over his emotions have no where to land and he is trying to find something to stress over.

Isilme yes it’s definiteky better than prior. Still stressful. He just ranted for 3 hours straight about religion. Now that he left to go to a friends I’m wondering why I sat through it and didn’t just leave. I’m still trying to figure out my value there.

Pearlsw I’m having a hard time finding things that bring me joy. Plus if I’m
at home he disturbs that time. For instance tonight  I was in the middle of a really intense workout and he is talking at me the whole time. I’ve been learning how to crochet, which is very peaceful to me, but I’m out of yarn right now and need to place an order.

[CryWolf]

I need some ideas for centering myself when my storehouse is depleted. If this was just a day or two it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I could handle it. He is home constantly. Icey weather is coming in this afternoon so me going somewhere else isn't an option. Basically we are stuck at home together once I get home from work.

This reminded me of "the shining" for some reason when I read it. Hopefully that passed off as a good joke to you in this moment. 

It does seem now that the stress from work is over, he doesn't know how to process the feelings. The little things you mentioned that have been upsetting him so much, are possibly his way to regulate the emotions. Just my speculation. Also, when I spoke to my therapist, she mentioned that BPD's like a certain schedule structure as in school/work. And when there isn't one, i.e. a break, vacation, it causes the pwBPD to panic in a sense.

Its great you picked up crocheting! Sadly you mentioned bad weather in your location so it might delay delivery at the time being. Is there another hobby that you have been contemplating about starting? Or any good shows/movies you can start to pass the time being?

[NGU]

He just ranted for 3 hours straight about religion.

Politics, gun debate, children in politcs

Wireless 5.0 is going to control our mind

Hours of this = he's getting fed his talking ranting points. TV possibly. Talk radio is actually really bad. Subscribe to the "wrong" thing and your inbox might start getting flooded from multiple sources.

This is important to note, for his well-being and in turn, yours.

You have Netflix. If you can watch a movie in secret, and without it showing up in your Recently Watched or Watch it Again queues, see "The Brainwashing of My Dad." The setup and conclusion are a little heavy handed and melodramatic. It's the stuff in the middle you're looking for, when the actual experts are talking. The numbered lists. Dr Kathleen Taylor either talks or is mentioned.

-ngu

[once removed]

lets walk through some of these:

The dog is being a dog

specifically, what happened here?

I shared my feelings with him and he later condemned me for feeling emotions

specifically, how did this go down?

Questioning who I was texting when I was just checking my email

was it an innocent question (its a pet peeve of mine personally, but ive asked it innocently, curiously, and had others do the same to me) or something he does often? how did you respond?

I picked up a dirty knife and he thought I was going to use it cut veggies
I asked him to help with the exact same farm chores that I he readily agreed to the day before
I couldn't find a cutting board he put away
I'm dealing with a tech problem at work and he does that everyday so his life is worse

are these all things that upset him, or did they upset/irritate you? both?

Politics, gun debate, children in politcs,

this has been a stickler. what about a hard limit on discussing politics?

[Tattered Heart]

The dog is being a dog

specifically, what happened here?

There were a few things that just bothered him that week. We switched our dog from puppy to adult food and I think it upset his stomach. He pooped on the floor, which he hasn’t done since he was little.
The dog keeps eating the cat food. We’ve tried several work arounds but he still gets to it.

I shared my feelings with him and he later condemned me for feeling emotions

specifically, how did this go down?

I had texted him early in the day and just said “I’m feeling depressed today. Not sure why.” He responded with saying he was sorry. Later when he was ranting about God he threw something in about “If God is real then you wouldn’t be telling me how depressed you are.”

Questioning who I was texting when I was just checking my email

was it an innocent question (or something he does often? how did you respond?

Its not something he usually does. I think he just walked into the bedroom, saw me checking my phone, and he was looking for something to say. Or it had my attention at the time and he wanted it. He said “Who are you texting?” I responded “Just checking my email.” He said “Oh” and began going on about whatever it was that he wanted to talk about. It was more of an annoyance to me, but it seemed like he was looking for a trigger. If I had seemed nervous or answering in a way that gave him a second thought, it could have gone down hill.

I picked up a dirty knife and he thought I was going to use it cut veggies
I asked him to help with the exact same farm chores that I he readily agreed to the day before
I couldn't find a cutting board he put away
I'm dealing with a tech problem at work and he does that everyday so his life is worse

are these all things that upset him, or did they upset/irritate you? both?

So the knife situation resulted in him lecturing me about not caring about what I cook and feeding him garbage. With the cutting board I asked him which cabinet it was in because I couldn’t find it. He began to lecture me about not taking the time to really look for things, even though I had already checked every cabinet in the kitchen.  These two were his issues.

The farm chores and him comparing our work problems was my annoyance. I get frustrated when I ask for support and he either makes it about him, compares it to how bad he has it or how much worse his situation is, and just doesn’t help with things that are his responsibility too. I had been feeling quite a bit of resentment. He did text me after I left for work apologizing for getting mad and said he was confused about what I was asking of him.

Politics, gun debate, children in politcs,

this has been a stickler. what about a hard limit on discussing politics?

This is where things get hard for me. My H will not have small conversations. He hates small talk. He only wants to talk about deep things. But deep things work him up so much. If I were to put a hard limit on not talking about things that are triggering to him we would often have nothing to talk about. And he feels connected through talking.

I have attempted a limit on politics in the past and it ends up that he gets mad because he says “Well, what do you want to talk about then?” And introverted-I-don’t- really-want-to-talk-at-all-because-I've-already-used-up-my-word-limit-for-the-day me has no other safe topics. I’ll bring up things that seem simple like entertainment and movies, what’s going on with our friends, etc. and he gets mad that I’m so shallow or gossiping or trying to find my value for my life in our friends life. Or he begins to rant about Netflix or the movie industry. When he is like this he leads almost every conversation back to hot button issues.

[once removed]

There were a few things that just bothered him that week.

okay. full blown rage, or just complaining a bunch? he not a dog fan?

I had texted him early in the day and just said “I’m feeling depressed today. Not sure why.” He responded with saying he was sorry. Later when he was ranting about God he threw something in about “If God is real then you wouldn’t be telling me how depressed you are.”

do you think he might have personalized this? thought he was responsible, or thought you were suggesting he was responsible? i run into this all the time... .people assume im directing things at them. frustrating.
 

So the knife situation resulted in him lecturing me about not caring about what I cook and feeding him garbage.
... .
He began to lecture me about not taking the time to really look for things

rolls eyes. man i hate it when people speak for me. how do you respond to that sort of thing?

This is where things get hard for me. My H will not have small conversations. He hates small talk. He only wants to talk about deep things. But deep things work him up so much. If I were to put a hard limit on not talking about things that are triggering to him we would often have nothing to talk about. And he feels connected through talking.

I have attempted a limit on politics in the past and it ends up that he gets mad because he says “Well, what do you want to talk about then?” And introverted-I-don’t- really-want-to-talk-at-all-because-I've-already-used-up-my-word-limit-for-the-day me has no other safe topics. I’ll bring up things that seem simple like entertainment and movies, what’s going on with our friends, etc. and he gets mad that I’m so shallow or gossiping or trying to find my value for my life in our friends life. Or he begins to rant about Netflix or the movie industry. When he is like this he leads almost every conversation back to hot button issues.

i get this completely on both sides (cept for his being aggressive and over the top about it). what sort of mutual interests do the two of you have? i get the sense that none of them are safe topics either.

I had been feeling quite a bit of resentment.

i can see why. do you think he can sense it? is it building, relatively speaking?