Too late for me but I hope how not to behave proves useful

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since being immersed into a world of BPD type behaviours, I want to share my experiences and what I learned along the painful journey. It’s too late for me to get my ex-girlfriend back now because I feel I handled it all wrong, but I hope my experiences and actions which I followed could serve as a blueprint on 'how not to handle the situation' for others out there.

I won’t give the full back story here, but if you want to read it then go to my post in ‘Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup’, ‘Unsure What to do Next’.

What I will say is that I met my exgirlfriend when I started a new managerial role in a new organisation. Meeting her seemed like the cherry on the cake.

I’d like to consider myself quite savvy and professional. I have a lot of exciting interests and enjoy creative activities. Without sounding conceited I feel I have a lot to offer.

I also need to add, I was not familiar with the concept of BPD in a relationship so my red flag radar was evidently defunct.

We went on our first date and she was amazing. She appeared kind, carefree, engaging, very feminine, attractive and generally we talked for hours. She had two children, but she did not want to expose them straight away, which I fully understood.

The relationship initially consisted of her coming to stay with me at weekends whilst her mother babysat and we would walk and enjoy being together. Her passionate nature just reinforced her status to me even more. She was declaring, 'how an angel had sent me', 'how I was like no other', 'she loved my humour', 'my creative skills' and basically said she was 'deeply in love with me'. Unbeknown to me, I was falling for her big-time too almost without realising.

The only flag I did knowingly experience was that her children appeared to have challenging issues. I was not suspicious of the fact she complained incessantly about her ex-husband and previous boyfriends either, one of which she said she had to threaten the police because he took the breakup badly. This just elevated my status further as I was then told 'I was different than the others'.

Fast forward eight months and she dumped me out of the blue. Well the reason seemed to be because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook.

So now we are into the realms of how I mishandled the whole situation.

When she dumped me I saw her at work and spoke to her in the car park to see if things could be rekindled. She said, ‘no, it was over’. On reflection I should have done the standard phrase of, ‘well, I don’t want to break up, but if that’s what you want then so be it, but I am now moving on, but should you change your mind, then get in touch’ and then walk away. Period!

I did a semi-version of this by stating after some initial trying to persuade her, ‘oh well, that’s a shame’ and walked away. The following day at the leaving party of our CEO, I maintained a distance from her. I was leaving the organisation myself the following day so this would technically be the last time we saw each other. When leaving she was talking amongst her peers so I walked past and wished them all a merry Christmas and walked out. She followed me down the stairs and said, “Is that all you’re going to say?” So I added, “Well, I hope it all works out for you!” and then left. Thirty minutes later she was texting me saying how weird it will be that we are no longer working together. At this point I was happy with my approach given she had dumped me out of the blue. Then she said she was coming in the following day on her day off and bringing the two children to attend my lunchtime farewell.

This gave me hope. I then suggested we go for a coffee, but she suggested maybe going for a walk on the Saturday instead at our favourite place. So far so good!

On the day in question she said she did not want a heavy chat being near Xmas and she did not want any Xmas presents either. Looking back now I wish I had refused to walk with her, but I saw it as an opportunity to rekindle things. On the walk she was distant and cold and it was just a pointless exercise. I guess I did not want to accept her interest had waned. The learning point is that I should not have agreed to the terms. I was annoyed as I had created bespoke presents for her and her children prior to the breakup too.

Now the next learning point.  When we worked together she forever complained I ignored her at work, but I was trying to maintain professional boundaries. Now that I had left I sent a leaving email thanking everyone for my presents and how I had enjoyed my time and how I may have even met my future partner. Some people were already aware we were together and some perhaps not.

I then received an email from my ex telling me to ‘leave her alone forever’. I wrote back perplexed, but her response was in relation to the email I sent. She was fuming that I had publicly done this without telling her. In part I do understand her being vexed, but it was done with good intent, whereas she felt I had done it with malice. I explained and then she started texting me again (obviously accepting of my explanation).

This is where I fell down. I engaged in weeks of texting with her and she was the puppet master calling all the shots. Some days her texts dwindled to virtually none and instead of mirroring this, I wrote even more to try and engage her. Big mistake! After six weeks of texting it became wearisome and mentally exhausting. Some days she threw just enough breadcrumbs to retain interest, but then would hit me with a litany of negatives, how I had pushed her away and did not made her feel special, how I did not like her children, how I ruined walks and made her feel I did not even like her. Instead of questioning these claims I automatically owned them. Another mistake! She also said I talked about my exe’s too much, but it was her asking the questions. She said my background did not make her feel secure. Again I owned the problem and started to believe I was a poor partner to her and somehow I was even deserving of my dumping. I think this is called gas lighting. She was even seeking validation via text asking me if I thought she was special and did I miss her, but then stating, “Shame you pushed me away, but we cannot change that now, good night.”

During this six week texting period, she refused to meet or answer phone calls.

At the beginning of Feb 2018 she sent me a succession of negative texts, how the food I made was ‘minging’ and ‘gross’ and she finished off with telling me she was going out at 21:15 at night. She often walked the dog late, so I suggested she take care, she then stated ‘she was not walking the dog’. I felt this was done to infer she was meeting someone. I then suggested we have some space between us, so she responded with, “You will never hear from me again and I am blocking you everywhere”.

Now this is where I really screwed up big time in my opinion. I panicked and felt the illusion of action. I had to do something. I bought her favourite chocolate bar and wrote her a jokey letter and hand posted this. No response!

Over the course of the next month and a half I sent three more letters. One letter addressed all her complaints and I took full ownership of the breakup. Another big mistake. I also wrote a letter based on the fact that she said I did not care about her, so I tried to demonstrate I did care with actions we could both take to improve things. Again no response.

Finally I sent one final brief letter accepting that given she did not want to get in touch and therefore I would cease any further contact and adhere to her wishes, but should she change her mind then she knows where I am. If I was to send a letter, then this should have been the one and only one I sent.

A couple of days later I received a phone call from the police saying she had been in touch and wanted a clean break. Although they were talking to me informally they advised not to write to her further otherwise I could be straying into legal terrain. Incidentally bar the first letter, I sent all the others, so it wasn't like I was turning up at her house or workplace.

I also made a few friends in my previous role where we worked together and when I tried to make contact with one of my ex work colleagues, they did not return my email, so I very much suspect she has painted me black at my previous employer, although I cannot substantiate this for sure, although I remember she did have a habit of sharing her personal life crisis’s at work. If the police had taken a formal approach this would have destroyed my professional career.

So in summary here are the key learning points from my perspective:

1)   If someone dumps you it is for them to pursue you and, as painful as it is, pursuing is a big mistake as a dumpee and you have to walk away permanently, unless they contact you. I do not prescribe to the 30-day rule which is peddled out there. I should not have tried to get her to change her mind either. If in doubt think of it in reversal, if you do not want to be with someone, would them chasing you make you feel differently?
2)   I was fooled to believe the negative traits she was pinning on me were correct so this led me to try and rectify problems that were distorted in her mind. It is good to reflect on our own behaviours, but it is not good to own someone else’s perceptions and act upon them, especially if they are untrue.
3)   I wish I had left after the party and kept walking until she reversed her decision about us. Engaging in six weeks of texting was a mistake and I think it helped her wean off me. I don’t think she had any intention of getting back together, but said just enough to keep me hanging on (pushing and pulling). This brought untold pressure at a time when I was trying to start a new job/business. I was too fixated on her to devote attention elsewhere which was to my personal detriment, whereas for her life continued unabated. It’s only now I am catching up.
4)   When she blocked me and said, I would never hear from her again, I should not have written a response. If someone truly loves you, they may say or do such an act in initial anger, but to not rectify it and continue in this manner demonstrates not only immaturity, but questions whether they love or value you, so why would you want to chase someone who is willing to treat you so poorly?
5)   We all deserve to be treated well and what I noticed is because of the alluring nature of the person, during a breakup we tend to do what they did to us in the infatuation phase i.e. we put them on a pedestal and do not value ourselves in the process. This is not how to engender attraction in my view. Lest not forget, they were attracted to us too in the initial instance! But because we perceive they are in the ascendancy this manifests itself with us worrying about what they will do next etc. Should they not worry about what we will do in reverse? Shouldn’t they be more concerned that we could find someone who is better functioning than them and more to the point treats us well?
6)   And in terms of re-attracting someone. Unfortunately during a breakup we are probably at our least attractive at a time when we need to be on our metal. It’s so easy to get caught up in the momentum of pain, but I think we should be direct and state our wants and needs then walk away. The strongest bargaining position is always the ability to walk away and mean it.
7)   When I look back, I spent money on breakup guides, lost money because of lost days at work, neglected my family and friends and soon became a shell of my former self. Coaching tended to focus on my reactions as if the problem was purely me as I possibly had an anxious attachment style, but in fairness how can someone really prepare to be intensely loved one minute and discarded and ghosted the next?
8)   I do believe we create our own value (or should) and we have unique qualities that we should not give away so cheaply. And if we have become needy in such situations then the quicker we can centre ourselves the better. There is nothing wrong with declaring true feelings in my view and I do not go in for silly psychological games personally. But whatever you do should be congruent with who you really are as you are a special person irrespective of how others try to make you feel. We should be clear about what we want and then walk away safe in the knowledge that if this does not work then nothing else is likely to work anyway.
9)    If we want our ex back then walking away is more likely to pique their interest than chasing them. I have learnt this hard lesson to my cost, but I hope my experience may prove useful to others to prevent someone making similar mistakes. But more importantly, do I really want someone in my life that has such little regard for me? I believe in compromise, but we should not be a slave to another. We deserve better and should you get your ex back then it is more likely to work better if he/she has had to recognise your value and reverse the decision they made, but he/she will only do that if you yourself also recognise your value and worth.

I need to add that I had no awareness of the BPD dimension at the time and I only found this by chance long after being dumped. I am still sad of course, but I am slowly rebuilding my life as moving forwards is the only option.

[Inko51]

Since being immersed into a world of BPD type behaviours, I want to share my experiences and what I learned along the painful journey. It’s too late for me to get my ex-girlfriend back now because I feel I handled it all wrong, but I hope my experiences and actions which I followed could serve as a blueprint on 'how not to handle the situation' for others out there.

I won’t give the full back story here, but if you want to read it then go to my post in ‘Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup’, ‘Unsure What to do Next’.

What I will say is that I met my exgirlfriend when I started a new managerial role in a new organisation. Meeting her seemed like the cherry on the cake.

I’d like to consider myself quite savvy and professional. I have a lot of exciting interests and enjoy creative activities. Without sounding conceited I feel I have a lot to offer.

I also need to add, I was not familiar with the concept of BPD in a relationship so my red flag radar was evidently defunct.

We went on our first date and she was amazing. She appeared kind, carefree, engaging, very feminine, attractive and generally we talked for hours. She had two children, but she did not want to expose them straight away, which I fully understood.

The relationship initially consisted of her coming to stay with me at weekends whilst her mother babysat and we would walk and enjoy being together. Her passionate nature just reinforced her status to me even more. She was declaring, 'how an angel had sent me', 'how I was like no other', 'she loved my humour', 'my creative skills' and basically said she was 'deeply in love with me'. Unbeknown to me, I was falling for her big-time too almost without realising.

The only flag I did knowingly experience was that her children appeared to have challenging issues. I was not suspicious of the fact she complained incessantly about her ex-husband and previous boyfriends either, one of which she said she had to threaten the police because he took the breakup badly. This just elevated my status further as I was then told 'I was different than the others'.

Fast forward eight months and she dumped me out of the blue. Well the reason seemed to be because I asked her to unblock me on Facebook.

So now we are into the realms of how I mishandled the whole situation.

When she dumped me I saw her at work and spoke to her in the car park to see if things could be rekindled. She said, ‘no, it was over’. On reflection I should have done the standard phrase of, ‘well, I don’t want to break up, but if that’s what you want then so be it, but I am now moving on, but should you change your mind, then get in touch’ and then walk away. Period!

I did a semi-version of this by stating after some initial trying to persuade her, ‘oh well, that’s a shame’ and walked away. The following day at the leaving party of our CEO, I maintained a distance from her. I was leaving the organisation myself the following day so this would technically be the last time we saw each other. When leaving she was talking amongst her peers so I walked past and wished them all a merry Christmas and walked out. She followed me down the stairs and said, “Is that all you’re going to say?” So I added, “Well, I hope it all works out for you!” and then left. Thirty minutes later she was texting me saying how weird it will be that we are no longer working together. At this point I was happy with my approach given she had dumped me out of the blue. Then she said she was coming in the following day on her day off and bringing the two children to attend my lunchtime farewell.

This gave me hope. I then suggested we go for a coffee, but she suggested maybe going for a walk on the Saturday instead at our favourite place. So far so good!

On the day in question she said she did not want a heavy chat being near Xmas and she did not want any Xmas presents either. Looking back now I wish I had refused to walk with her, but I saw it as an opportunity to rekindle things. On the walk she was distant and cold and it was just a pointless exercise. I guess I did not want to accept her interest had waned. The learning point is that I should not have agreed to the terms. I was annoyed as I had created bespoke presents for her and her children prior to the breakup too.

Now the next learning point.  When we worked together she forever complained I ignored her at work, but I was trying to maintain professional boundaries. Now that I had left I sent a leaving email thanking everyone for my presents and how I had enjoyed my time and how I may have even met my future partner. Some people were already aware we were together and some perhaps not.

I then received an email from my ex telling me to ‘leave her alone forever’. I wrote back perplexed, but her response was in relation to the email I sent. She was fuming that I had publicly done this without telling her. In part I do understand her being vexed, but it was done with good intent, whereas she felt I had done it with malice. I explained and then she started texting me again (obviously accepting of my explanation).

This is where I fell down. I engaged in weeks of texting with her and she was the puppet master calling all the shots. Some days her texts dwindled to virtually none and instead of mirroring this, I wrote even more to try and engage her. Big mistake! After six weeks of texting it became wearisome and mentally exhausting. Some days she threw just enough breadcrumbs to retain interest, but then would hit me with a litany of negatives, how I had pushed her away and did not made her feel special, how I did not like her children, how I ruined walks and made her feel I did not even like her. Instead of questioning these claims I automatically owned them. Another mistake! She also said I talked about my exe’s too much, but it was her asking the questions. She said my background did not make her feel secure. Again I owned the problem and started to believe I was a poor partner to her and somehow I was even deserving of my dumping. I think this is called gas lighting. She was even seeking validation via text asking me if I thought she was special and did I miss her, but then stating, “Shame you pushed me away, but we cannot change that now, good night.”

During this six week texting period, she refused to meet or answer phone calls.

At the beginning of Feb 2018 she sent me a succession of negative texts, how the food I made was ‘minging’ and ‘gross’ and she finished off with telling me she was going out at 21:15 at night. She often walked the dog late, so I suggested she take care, she then stated ‘she was not walking the dog’. I felt this was done to infer she was meeting someone. I then suggested we have some space between us, so she responded with, “You will never hear from me again and I am blocking you everywhere”.

Now this is where I really screwed up big time in my opinion. I panicked and felt the illusion of action. I had to do something. I bought her favourite chocolate bar and wrote her a jokey letter and hand posted this. No response!

Over the course of the next month and a half I sent three more letters. One letter addressed all her complaints and I took full ownership of the breakup. Another big mistake. I also wrote a letter based on the fact that she said I did not care about her, so I tried to demonstrate I did care with actions we could both take to improve things. Again no response.

Finally I sent one final brief letter accepting that given she did not want to get in touch and therefore I would cease any further contact and adhere to her wishes, but should she change her mind then she knows where I am. If I was to send a letter, then this should have been the one and only one I sent.

A couple of days later I received a phone call from the police saying she had been in touch and wanted a clean break. Although they were talking to me informally they advised not to write to her further otherwise I could be straying into legal terrain. Incidentally bar the first letter, I sent all the others, so it wasn't like I was turning up at her house or workplace.

I also made a few friends in my previous role where we worked together and when I tried to make contact with one of my ex work colleagues, they did not return my email, so I very much suspect she has painted me black at my previous employer, although I cannot substantiate this for sure, although I remember she did have a habit of sharing her personal life crisis’s at work. If the police had taken a formal approach this would have destroyed my professional career.

So in summary here are the key learning points from my perspective:

1)   If someone dumps you it is for them to pursue you and, as painful as it is, pursuing is a big mistake as a dumpee and you have to walk away permanently, unless they contact you. I do not prescribe to the 30-day rule which is peddled out there. I should not have tried to get her to change her mind either. If in doubt think of it in reversal, if you do not want to be with someone, would them chasing you make you feel differently?
2)   I was fooled to believe the negative traits she was pinning on me were correct so this led me to try and rectify problems that were distorted in her mind. It is good to reflect on our own behaviours, but it is not good to own someone else’s perceptions and act upon them, especially if they are untrue.
3)   I wish I had left after the party and kept walking until she reversed her decision about us. Engaging in six weeks of texting was a mistake and I think it helped her wean off me. I don’t think she had any intention of getting back together, but said just enough to keep me hanging on (pushing and pulling). This brought untold pressure at a time when I was trying to start a new job/business. I was too fixated on her to devote attention elsewhere which was to my personal detriment, whereas for her life continued unabated. It’s only now I am catching up.
4)   When she blocked me and said, I would never hear from her again, I should not have written a response. If someone truly loves you, they may say or do such an act in initial anger, but to not rectify it and continue in this manner demonstrates not only immaturity, but questions whether they love or value you, so why would you want to chase someone who is willing to treat you so poorly?
5)   We all deserve to be treated well and what I noticed is because of the alluring nature of the person, during a breakup we tend to do what they did to us in the infatuation phase i.e. we put them on a pedestal and do not value ourselves in the process. This is not how to engender attraction in my view. Lest not forget, they were attracted to us too in the initial instance! But because we perceive they are in the ascendancy this manifests itself with us worrying about what they will do next etc. Should they not worry about what we will do in reverse? Shouldn’t they be more concerned that we could find someone who is better functioning than them and more to the point treats us well?
6)   And in terms of re-attracting someone. Unfortunately during a breakup we are probably at our least attractive at a time when we need to be on our metal. It’s so easy to get caught up in the momentum of pain, but I think we should be direct and state our wants and needs then walk away. The strongest bargaining position is always the ability to walk away and mean it.
7)   When I look back, I spent money on breakup guides, lost money because of lost days at work, neglected my family and friends and soon became a shell of my former self. Coaching tended to focus on my reactions as if the problem was purely me as I possibly had an anxious attachment style, but in fairness how can someone really prepare to be intensely loved one minute and discarded and ghosted the next?
8)   I do believe we create our own value (or should) and we have unique qualities that we should not give away so cheaply. And if we have become needy in such situations then the quicker we can centre ourselves the better. There is nothing wrong with declaring true feelings in my view and I do not go in for silly psychological games personally. But whatever you do should be congruent with who you really are as you are a special person irrespective of how others try to make you feel. We should be clear about what we want and then walk away safe in the knowledge that if this does not work then nothing else is likely to work anyway.
9)    If we want our ex back then walking away is more likely to pique their interest than chasing them. I have learnt this hard lesson to my cost, but I hope my experience may prove useful to others to prevent someone making similar mistakes. But more importantly, do I really want someone in my life that has such little regard for me? I believe in compromise, but we should not be a slave to another. We deserve better and should you get your ex back then it is more likely to work better if he/she has had to recognise your value and reverse the decision they made, but he/she will only do that if you yourself also recognise your value and worth.

I need to add that I had no awareness of the BPD dimension at the time and I only found this by chance long after being dumped. I am still sad of course, but I am slowly rebuilding my life as moving forwards is the only option.

[Cromwell]

Really interesting and resonates a lot what ive been through but what stands out most to me is point 5, about the allure of the person due to the high intensity of emotion during the infactuation stage. It really is what set the standard and what I always saw my ex as being "the real person" regardless of how she behaved afterwards. It is about the saying that gets peddled about "first impressions count", well yes, but only to an extent in that they are the initial magnetic field. If I can add to your list, I really wish I would have kept to my own saying of "expect the worst out of a person, and allow them to surprise you", this helped me throughout my life, a healthy dose of cynicism. But I felt in turmoil that I wasnt giving people a fair chance or "pre judging". I never threw myself head first into relationships and they were good as a result. They didnt match the High of my time with BPDx but the way I see it now, I really dont think a normal relationship should.

and yes, unless someone completely oversteps the mark of things we feel important, I think giving chances is fine, but like you said when you realised it was over it would have been better to not encourage any more contact. Only thing id like to say that everything seems better in hindsight and I often have caught myself up in wondering why I didnt do certain things different or "better". Truth is, you could have completely ignored her and who knows how explosive that could have worked out. When I look back at how I dealt with things and compare to what some have gone through I think "hmm, dont be too hard on yourself, you might have actually done the best thing you could have at that time and not even realised it". Sometimes whatever we do, will lose either way. In life, sometimes you lose. I guess its all about perspective and getting as much experience out of it as the plus points. thanks for sharing dont beat yourself up, like you said you didnt know about the condition but so what, you do now and you did something about it. thats what matters really.

[Inko51]

Thanks Cromwell for those thoughts. You are right hindsight is a wonderful thing and even when I probably knew some of my actions were futile and not the best way, for some reason I still felt almost drawn to do them regardless. It is that illusion that 'we have to do something'. I remember reading by the time we get dumped they are already well ahead and have often moved on. For us it is day 1 of purgatory.

We shouldn't be too hard on ourselves though as you say. We believed the very convincing presentation and had no reason to think otherwise. It's only now when my friends point out things I tend to feel a bit stupid for not spotting and acting on things. The old saying if something seems too good to be true and all that. I suppose nobody likes to feel they have been scammed, but ultimately what is the failing? We were looking for love and thought we'd found it. What's wrong with that? The issue here isn't whether so much we have been duped, but the fact that someone wants to dupe us. Sadly they too are a victim of their circumstances so it's hard to even find anywhere to level the blame to have closure.

Isn't it difficult when you feel you have been treated badly and your only crime is to trust? Like I said previously, you lose the person you love and if that is not bad enough, they also despise you, your name is besmirched to others and you are almost treated like a criminal. Not to mention the emotional and physical pain you feel and the ramifications for other aspects of your life, financial costs, time costs and missed opportunities whilst you languish in a painful fog of gloom. It has been without doubt the worst period of my life and that includes the death of close family members. I am determined though that it will not beat me in the end. Sadly at the extreme end some people may even want to check out of life altogether, but the perpetrator would not likely even careless and any sadness would be focused on them anyway.

We owe it to ourselves to garner what learning we can and apply it the next time. I am so glad I found this site as I really believed the problem was me.

[Inko51]

I would further add, what we would give to return to that point of the honeymoon phase when we were on cloud 9. Waking up with the world being in technicolour rather than a world of sepia grey like it is now sadly. I miss her so terribly, but even if she was willing (which she isn't of course!), there's no way you can recapture that splendour which you both had. Funnily enough I have been nominated and shortlisted for a wildlife artist award and yet all I can still think of is her and how we could have been going to the opening night together. I cannot face the thought of dating at present. But I guess in time that will change.

It's stupid and pointless I know, but I get really bugged by the thought that my name has potentially been besmirched at my previous employer. It's the feeling of utter injustice which goes with it. I need to let that go of course as it leads nowhere healthy. Others are just like me I guess, duped by her magnetism and convincing nature.

Life is not always fair and we just have to navigate around the bad times and cherish the good times.

 

[gotbushels]

Inko51   

Life is not always fair and we just have to navigate around the bad times and cherish the good times.

Yes--and a good idea. 

Funnily enough I have been nominated and shortlisted for a wildlife artist award and yet all I can still think of is her and how we could have been going to the opening night together.

Congrats on your potential award.    Yes, celebrating getting an award is something that many of us wish for. 

I hope you find peace and way to colour your life. 

[Insom]

Hi, Inko51!

It sounds like you've learned a lot from this experience.  Do you believe you could have changed the outcome of this relationship if you knew at the beginning what you know now?

[Inko51]

Hi Insom,

That's a good question about changing the potential outcome.

1) I think I would have not delayed having a frank and open discussion with her about some of the key issues i.e. how to manage the children for one. I think she delayed me seeing the kids for too long and this did not help matters.

2) I think I could have perhaps reassured her more than I did. But I was just not aware of what was going on and what appeared like BPD traits at the time.

3) Unfortunately some of the issues which concerned her (allegedly) did not appear to do so at the time. Although she now said some of the things I said or did upset her at the time, she never relayed this when they were supposed to have occurred and instead was still declaring her deep love.

4) I think the majority of my mistakes occurred during the actual breakup phase. I was too apologetic and tried too hard with over texting responses. I think I should have given her space and just been lighthearted about things. I think my email suggesting space (although I was tired of her negative texts about me at this stage), which led to her saying 'I would never hear from her again and she was blocking me', on reflection was a mistake to send.

5) Whether we would have got back together I really don't know.

[Inko51]

Thank you Gotbushels and best wishes to you too!

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but an award like this would be amazing, but under the circumstances, I would happily forgo it if it meant me and my ex working things out properly. Although we have to move forwards I miss her greatly like no doubt everyone else on here does.

[gotbushels]

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but an award like this would be amazing, but under the circumstances, I would happily forgo it if it meant me and my ex working things out properly.

I think it's okay to have mixed feelings about these things. Sometimes things that are really meaningful to us can come at great sacrifice too. So mixed feelings totally makes sense.

To share, I do have some great things I wish I had instead of the pwBPD relationship. I really wanted those great things and I also wanted the relationship to work at the time. I couldn't have both--and wanting both things is okay.

Although we have to move forwards I miss her greatly like no doubt everyone else on here does.

Yes SOs here often do miss aspects of the pwBPD in their lives.   At the same time, one way to look at it is not so much a compulsion to move forward--but perhaps more discovering that it might be in your best interests. For example--over time--I accrued more and more positive reasons not to be in a relationship with the pwBPD. So it's possible to get overwhelming reasons not to be in the pwBPD relationship--and really actually want that in your heart.

Things get easier and often better over time.  

[Insom]

I'm with gotbushels that it's OK to have mixed feelings.  These are all great questions you're asking.  You may find over time that there is more to explore.  What made this relationship attractive to you in the first place?  How would you like your next relationship to unfold? 

[RomanticFool]

Inko51,

My heart goes out to you. I have committed every relationship atrocity possible in my on and off 16 year r/s with my uexBPD married lover. I'm sure you have heard it said on here that the reason we are so hooked on them is because they are our emotional equals and they feel like the greatest love heroin in the world (to quote Hugh Grant in Notting Hill). I think the main problem for me in my r/s was that she was not available and also not really interested in me as a person. She was really interested in how I can alleviate her marriage boredom and provide a diversion for her to feel something. A huge trait of BPDs is a feeling of emptiness and this is something we both shared. I have discovered from my odyssey on this site and through my r/s that I may well have some emotional dysfunction myself. I am trying to concentrate less on the behaviour of my ex and deal with the issues that made me so emotionally dependent and addicted to her. To be blunt she really gave me very little and most of my fantasy was engendered in the bedroom. I feel as if she is the greatest love of my life but it is all really an illusion. I have shared in detail on these boards over the past 14 months about this r/s and it has been intensely painful. I wish you the respite from the pain that I couldn't find myself.

[Inko51]

I think you guys raise some really key salient points.

Prior to my ex I was in a long-term relationship for 19-years and, although we had some great times, I found myself trying to forever please my partner's insatiable appetite for attention and this resulted in her being hypercritical with the constant mantra of, 'must do better'. In the end we drifted apart, but she got a lot more from the relationship than I ever did and when I reflect back I tolerated far too much and put her needs first beyond my own for the majority of the time.

Without sounding conceited I feel I do have a lot of attributes and people tell me I have a presence and engage in lots of interesting things, but as outwardly confident as I may first appear, I do find myself trying too hard when I meet someone, almost looking for validation and revealing everything as soon as possible in attempts to impress (not necessarily materialistically).

Now fast forward to my current ex and this was the odd situation as she made me feel I did not have to do any of that, she seemed so uncomplicated and easily pleased. My ex before her had such high demands by comparison. She appeared to like me for being me rather than what I could do for her. So it was so refreshing to meet someone who appeared so carefree and eager. This also still played into my need for external validation though, as on reflection I still became dependent on her feelings towards me even if they appeared legitimate and well meant compared to my previous ex.

Now added to this is that my current ex was so sexually alluring and like no other lover I have ever experienced. That alone was hard not to be encapsulated by. She also appeared to be very caring towards others, not just me, and I saw signs of this wherever we went. In my eyes she was just perfect. So when she talked about getting engaged so early on, although I was a little weary at first, but in the end I just thought, hey, why not, she is perfect. I was even hoping for a child together. As the month's went on I just fell for harder and deeper as she tapped into all the attributes that constituted the perfect woman in my eyes. She was always smiling, tall and elegant, lovely figure, ultra girly and feminine, could speak fluent French as a second language, appeared caring and generous, always buying me small gifts in spite of her modest income and was spontanous. And the list goes on. She was the complete antithesis to my previous ex.

The person who then dropped me suddenly and ignored me at Christmas, played psychological push and pull torturous games and ultimately called the police about me unnecessarily so in my opinion was an unrecognisable person to the one I met. This person was inside the Trojan Horse.

The reality is that when she pulled away I felt my perfect woman was also disappearing before my eyes and panic set in as what was the likelihood of me meeting anyone of this pedigree ever again who ticked so many boxes. I tended to ignore the breakup part and poor behaviour instead I remained transfixed to the infatuation stage.

Like Romantic Fool I think I should also concentrate less on her behaviours and focus more on my own.

I don't mid admitting I have become obsessed by her in the sense that i could not even contemplate hooking up with anyone else. I look for distractions to keep my focus off her, but as soon as it drifts onto her, the wave of pain envelops me. I know this has to be gone through and I clearly don't have the monopoly on this. I want to become a stronger man without compromising my ethics because of this relationship. I don't want to be bitter really and, although I am angry at my exe's behaviour, in reverse I could not do anything that would cause her distress. That's where she seems to have an unfair advantage. The reality is I still care for her welfare even though she does not give a jot about me. To think of her upset would still upset me. Weird eh!

I would love a relationship with all of the above please, but this time it also be real.

[RomanticFool]

I don't mid admitting I have become obsessed by her in the sense that i could not even contemplate hooking up with anyone else. I look for distractions to keep my focus off her, but as soon as it drifts onto her, the wave of pain envelops me. I know this has to be gone through and I clearly don't have the monopoly on this. I want to become a stronger man without compromising my ethics because of this relationship. I don't want to be bitter really and, although I am angry at my exe's behaviour, in reverse I could not do anything that would cause her distress. That's where she seems to have an unfair advantage. The reality is I still care for her welfare even though she does not give a jot about me. To think of her upset would still upset me. Weird eh!

Remember that you met your emotional equal. You are attaching on this emotional level and a pwBPD is always on their best behaviour in the beginning of a r/s. When I reconnected with my ex following a very unfulfilling and emotionally exhausting first time around, it was like she had become my dream lover. She was attentive, interested, loving, emotional and charming. She promised an awful lot of things during that first reconnection. Sadly, none of it was ever delivered.

However, I blame myself for much of it because the way she was relating to me was her version of love-bombing and it was feeding into my fantasy. The fact that we were both married (and she always was) should have rang alarm bells and had me sprinting away from her again. The first time round was bad enough and I had only been married 6 months myself when we reconvened the traumatic dance. But the chemical attraction I always had for her and this fantasy I developed in my head, made me believe that she was the woman of my dreams and not my wife. It sounds insane doesn't it? Well that is the power that feeling we have met somebody perfect has over us. The emotional equal I met was also somebody who had abandonment issues, who was initially needy and ready for love (she is in fact neither of those things - I am the needy one). At the end of all a pwBPD does not mean to hurt us, at least I believe my ex didn't, she is simply the result of childhood trauma and a mental illness on top. What she craves is love and security - the two things she is unable to give.

[Inko51]

You seem to have a good reflective and healthy handle on things RomanticFool. I think you are right in the sense that we see what we want to see and we do need to search deep within ourselves for some of these answers. At the end of the day it's how sales work isn't it? Marketing strategies often tap into our insecurities and inner desires and then what we can often find that what we believed we craved and 'had to have' isn't always what it was cracked up to be.

And no it doesn't sound insane that your were seduced by the mirage of a perfect woman constructed in your eyes. I did exactly the same and believed mine was sent from heaven too. It's also funny how it's so nice that they ignite your Alpha male, when in fact they are the alpha ones and as you rightly say, we are the needy ones, or certainly become that way at least.

I tend to believe when her shenanigans started, if I had been cool and almost taken on the James Bond mantra and said, well I'm happy to work things out, but if that's not what you want I'm moving on and if you change your mind then get in touch and walk away, then we would most probably still be together now. Instead of James Bond I turned into one of the Bronte Sisters writing like a nineteenth century novelist. Hopefully one day I will laugh about it, especially as I've never acted that way before.

I'd like to think they do not intend to hurt us consciously and they certainly have behaviours reflective of some past issues it would seem. I remember when I was 17 I met a girl who came from a tough part of town and she had never been on holiday, so what did I do? I paid for her to go on holiday to Kenya with me. I started my rescue career young it would seem! And weirdly she hated it and the holiday was a nightmare. I was expecting her to be blown away. Now with hindsight and wisdom I realise that she did not feel comfortable being taken out of her familiarity and more to the point, having to feel a constant sense of gratitude. I equate my current situation to this in some ways in that if someone is not used to feeling loved unconditionally then they will but against it and hold suspicion. I sensed that with my ex, she became suspicious of my motives and could not just accept things as they were without an ulterior motive involved. if I bought her a small gift, she would feel the need to immediately reciprocate. I used to say to her, I don't expect you to do that and I knew she spent her spare income on her children, hence why I got small gifts for her, but she would never be accepting of this and still feel beholden somehow. In the end I stopped doing it because I realised it was probably making her feel uncomfortable and obligated.
 

[RomanticFool]

Instead of James Bond I turned into one of the Bronte Sisters writing like a nineteenth century novelist. Hopefully one day I will laugh about it, especially as I've never acted that way before.

This made me chuckle. I wrote reams and reams of heart rending prose to my ex over the years. Then during one break up I hit her with my poetry (I often perform at spoken word events so I like to think I can write). She replied: "Those are your issues, not mine." The poem was about how much I'd missed her and the pain of being apart. I was crushed but I look back and laugh about it now. Mainly because I feel that what is at play here is not a lack of emotional intelligence but she probably found the emotions in the poems so intense that it impaired her ability to be empathic. This impaired empathic response is a key trait of BPD.

[Inko51]

You see and your talents go on! It does make you wonder what you have to do doesn't it? Maybe instead of holding a quill, we need to be diving through the air in a string vest like Bruce Willis. Just saying!

Seriously though, there must be women out there who want such creative skills?

When I met my ex she seemed to love all that side of things, but then it changed I guess. I think you're right though, your strength of being able to express emotion through prose which is both a skill and strength initelf must have tapped into her insecurities around expression. This is the crux isn't it? People who are damaged inside have to protect themselves at whatever cost so as not to reveal their hurt and vulnerabilities. Otherwise to do so would be devastating for them to say the least. Whereas self-actualised people don't have a vulnerable ego in the same way and can just be free and expressive and be cool and unphased - I guess that's what we should be aiming for.

By the time we have finished on this site we'll be ready for any relationship. We can learn so much from others.