A Significant Milestone (And The Expected Fallout)

[Figures]

My SO and I have known each other for over 6 months and like any type of same sex relationship with someone with BPD it's intense and a rollercoaster.  He's quite borderline so he tends to go quiet and become reclusive rather than explosive and destructive.  We're not officially together but we hang out all the time, cook for each other most nights and have a relationship that's too intense to be a friendship but too devoid of intimacy to be boyfriends.

I get painted black about once a month during which time he retreats, tells me I should be finding someone, and goes quiet for a couple of days.   Then we build up again, each time edging a micro further.  I now stay round his at weekends  (in the spare room), I can kiss him goodbye on the cheek without him freaking out.  But it can be exhausting. I like him.  I like him a lot.  I once heard BPD being explained as someone trapped in a maze that you occassionally get glances of through the hedgerow.  I like that description a lot.

Despite him telling me he doesn't want a relationship there are signs.  They're all subtle and so slight I have taken to journalling so to keep myself from asking if I'm imagining it all.  He'll start using we instead of I,  he'll complain about his sister introducing her very new boyfriend to her son (saying it's too soon) but invites me round when he babysits him.  He'll let me buy him flowers and not complain.  Typically we'll get to a stage where we almost kiss and I find him catching himself as he moves in and I know I'll be split black the next day.

I've been through a process of acceptance these last couple of months.  He's not receiving treatment for BPD and I'm still not 100% sure if that's due to crappy healthcare or a reluctance from him.  But I've come to the conclusion that as much as I want a relationship with him... .he's incapable of it right now.  He's had incredibly dysfunctional relationships to the point that I think that he sees all possible relationships like that.  As I see it, I think he loves me but is afraid that if we get together then it'll go horribly wrong like all the other relationships and he'll lose me.  So he pushes me into the "I see you more as a brother" relationship so he has an excuse to keep me in his life without his BPD ruining it.  I think he's wrong here.  The fact he has zero friends shows me that his BPD sabotages more than just romantic relationships and if I accepted that role, I'd still get split black, just over different things.  He's also incredibly sad when I respectfully withdraw and I see him light up inside when I do something nice for him (because he doesn't feel he's worthy of it).

I think the thing I learnt from the last episode was to be consistent without becoming co-dependent.  So I've been honest and told him that yeah I'd like a relationship one day but I agree he's not ready.  His black and white thinking mean he thinks he'll never be ready, despite me seeing a massive improvement in him over the last couple of months.  I try and point this out and validate him whenever I can.

So he's had a busy couple of weeks babysitting his extended family's kids and I thought I'd do something nice.  If I'm honest, yeah I wanted to woo him a little.  I want to display my affection.  After 6 months I'd like some validation that I'm not crazy in thinking that under all the BPD he really does feel something for me and it's not as he says "just wanting to be friends"

So I tell him the other day I want to pamper him.  He does the "you shouldn't" but doesn't stop me.  I see him get excited about it.  I get him a bath bomb and a body scrub from Lush.  I get a dozen roses and put them in a vase on the bath.  I light scented candles, and set up a bluetooth speaker playing a chilled out spotify playlist.  I also bought him new clothes:  some new jeans, some respectable but sexy underwear, a T-Shirt in the style he said he liked the other day, and some socks.

He's overwhelmed when he goes into the bathroom and sees it.  I leave him too it.  Whilst I'd like to go up there and join him... .I realise that it's not going to happen.  Let's worry about kissing first.

He comes downstairs dressed in the clothes beaming from ear to ear.  He fetches the candles and the speaker to move them into the lounge.  He goes puts on some lip balm and then comes over and kisses me on the lips several times.  He says no-one has ever done something like that for him and that he wanted to cry.  He's clearly emotionally overwhelmed (and I perhaps didn't realise how much so).

But then he starts to split.  Conversation gets steered towards relationships.  I think my mistake was allowing myself to get drawn into it.  He tells me that he wants me as a friend, that he's not capable of a relationship, that he doesn't want to hurt me but would rather be honest.  I'm remarkably zen about this.  My aim wasn't to ask him out, and I accept he's not ready.  But the way he acts, it's as if he's frustrated that I refuse to accept this.  I suspect that this some sort of transference and his frustration is really with himself and not me.  It's not that I can see him getting annoyed but I think he becomes frustrated that I'm not hurt.  I ask him what emotion he's feeling and he said frustrated.  I think all this relationship talk is to himself rather than me.  It's nice and friendly and open and honest.  He does say he considered whether he needs to ghost me to make me understand but I really take that as him trying to hurt me in order to hurt himself.

For my part, I'm not hurt.  I can see this as a BPD episode.  I'm actually quite proud of how I just accept this, seeing it for what it is (a month or two ago this would have devastated me).  As I said, I got myself drawn into a conversation that was probably at the wrong time.  He's said I'm the only person who understands his BPD  (he has no other friends and his family are dysfunctional) and so I made the mistake of trying to explain what's happening... .that his fear of abandonment and intimacy are causing him to push away, that his emotions are true but the reasons he's attributing them are wrong, that he gives me little signs so I'm not acting without impetus.  He's worried he might never be ready and doesn't want to invest all this time into him if it comes to nothing.  I say we can't predict the future.

He says as it was late when he got the clothes, he'll wear them again tomorrow  (again a little sign.  We'll see if he does as it'll be a good yardstick).  I'm currently in the spare bedroom waiting for him to awake.  It'll be interesting to see how he is today.  Will things return to normal or will he be offish with me?  I'm expecting some shame and embarrassment from a post come-down.

So what do people think?  Should I emotionally ease off for a few days and pretend it never happened, or should I just remain constant with my viewpoint of "you're not ready but one day you might be"?

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[juju2]

Hi,

You are in the right place.

I learn here.  For them, feelings=facts, so everything changes a lot.  Today can be a lot different than yesterday.

Read here, post here, there are tools I have learned from this site.

Anything that requires something of my pwBPD, seems to be a challenge.  I had a dream not that long ago, that i was in a relationship with a hummingbird.

He is attractive, busy, gains attention, bright, smart,
And not supportive of me and my needs.  Not emotionally, really.  I over did, kept trying to please him.

I was and still am co dependent. 

We are separated since march last year.  My story is here.  You can read my posts.
We see eachother once a week.  He is also seeing another woman.

And there is hope here.

Sincerely,  juju

[Mutt]

I was reading about one pwBPD that refused to get into r/s because he knew that he couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t suggest avoidance which is what I think that you’re suggesting. Some pwBPD are not aware of their behaviour fear of abandonment, push pull, projection etc. I get the impression that he has some awareness there’s that, think about getting into a r/s with a pwBPD not knowing that they have the disorder to find out through their behaviours as the acting out comes out.

My advice is to not look too far down the road and to take it as it comes. You sound like you’re sensible and you have a good grasp on this.