I'm going through divorce and we have 3 kids, not sure my wife has BPD

[Kachumbo]

Hi guys,

I have been reading on this site for several weeks now and it has been a lot of help to understand my situation.

I am currently separated and going through divorce for the past 3 months, me and my wife have 3 boys 4,7,9yo, I have been devastated by the current situation we are going through. I have been married for almost 12 years, I got married when I was 22 and she was 24, she is 2 years older than me, my wife has been the longest and most significant relationship I've ever had and our separation has taken a toll on me and my kids. In my mind I thought we had a pretty good marriage and an amazing family life, it wasn't perfect and we had our ups and downs throughout the last 12 years, I consider myself as a pretty good loving husband and I try my best to be a good father, I come from a united family and was raised by loving parents, unfortunately for her she was abandoned by her father when she was a toddler, he then tried to kidnap her according to her mother, she had a rough childhood mostly living in her house with her other 2 younger siblings, she was the one taking care of them while her mother was working, her mother would bring different men to their household all the time, eventually her mother found a person  that molested my wife to a certain degree, her mother never believed my wife and was actually jealous of her, I know that unfortunately my wife had a very rough childhood, much different than mine.

I wished I would've known what personality disorders are and what BPD is before the chaos started in our lifes 1.5 years ago, I just know now it's too late to rescue my marriage and my family. Based on all the research I've done in the last 3 months I have a very strong feeling my wife is a quiet BPD, she hasn't worked in the last 11 years, she is always starting new projects and leaves them half way completed, she went to college for a bit but didn't graduate, she has always had a drinking problem since I've met her, she sometimes can be good mother but her behavior for the past year has been unacceptable, she has neglected not just me but our 3 kids also pursing her affairs, her affairs started 1.5 years ago online when she started messaging old xboyfriends, I caught her doing that, she promised she wouldn't do it, 6 months later I caught her again with a different ex, she then again promised she wouldn't do it, 4 months later I caught her again messaging another ex, but this time her messages where insane, she love bombing this guy, I left the house that night and stayed out of the house for 1 month, we both filed for divorce, at first she wouldn't let me see the kids, later on she would let me see the kids a few days during the week, during that month she trash talked about me everywhere with everyone, we had a situation with the police one day when we were exchanging our kids, 2 days before our emergency hearing she wanted to talk to me, I agreed, I forgave her, we both agreed we would seek therapy and we would try to work things out, I droped the divorce and she also dropped it, 2 months later I caught her again outside a hotel while she was sleeping with the same guy, I recorded the whole thing, somehow I belived her when she said it was the last time she would do something like that, I forgave her once again, on the night of my birthday after going out and having a few drinks we came back to my house, after she was sleeping I went through her phone just to find she never stopped the affair with her ex, they even have plans to get married, she put a tattoo on her butt for him, that morning of my birthday as soon as she woke up I told her i wanted a divorce, she went crazy and wouldn't let me leave our bedroom or our house, she was fighting me infront of our 3 kids, I managed to leave through the back door, something like that has never happened before, I came back 2 hours later with a police escort, the police investigated because she lied to them and told them I was the agressor which it was a lie, after the police investigated they decided she was the agressor and issued an arrest warrant for her, she spent 30 hours in jail, after that I took care of my boys for the next 2 months, she only saw our kids 10 afternoons during those 2 months, it has been almost 3 months since she has been out of jail, and we have not spoken to each other at all, we already went to our first hearing and she lied and lied, trying to portrait me as the bad guy,  I'm fighting for full custody of my 3 kids, I know it will be a lot of work but I know I will be able to provide a better life for them, I was the one working, paying all the bills, coming home to help clean, taking the kids to extracurricular activities, making the plans for the future for my family,etc, it seemed all she cared about was her phone and her online social life, it seemed she forgot about me and our kids, my kids have taken a huge toll on school and they seemed very traumatized, I'm currently taking them to see a therapist, I'm also seeing a therapist.
I loved this woman, I gave her 100% of me, I worked hard for my family, I'm a honest guy that wanted nothing but a family, I'm not angry at her, but it seems she destroyed our family, I have had a lot of trouble sleeping, I dream about her, in some weird way I miss her and I wished things would've been different, I know that will never happen and I'm starting to realize that, I'm trying to be strong for my kids, this is just so hard, so new, it feels lonely, I miss all the good times we had, I know she said she loved me but her words were just words with no meaning, she was usually cold without affection towards me, she would show more affection to her friends than me, I'm going through divorce, fighting for custody of my kids, we just started this process and I hope it doesn't take years until we are done with it, I feel sorry for her, I wished I would've been able to help her, I tried and tried again for her to see a therapist but she never did.
I'm very glad I found this website, I've learned a lot here.
I just wanted to share my story with you guys, I'm trying to stay strong!
Thanks for the support!

[Speck]

Welcome, Kachumbo!



Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful. It helps to know that you are far from alone.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

I loved this woman, I gave her 100% of me, I worked hard for my family, I'm a honest guy that wanted nothing but a family, I'm not angry at her, but it seems she destroyed our family, I have had a lot of trouble sleeping, I dream about her... .

... .it seemed all she cared about was her phone and her online social life, it seemed she forgot about me and our kids, my kids have taken a huge toll on school and they seemed very traumatized, I'm currently taking them to see a therapist, I'm also seeing a therapist.

It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have reached out for counseling, as that will be key to your healing.

Excellent job, securing counseling for not only you but your kiddos as well! 

In time, you will come to find that counseling will help you re-frame your emotional landscape into something more manageable, so that you are able to process this stuff safely. In my case, as soon as my wife left me (for the fourth time), I called a therapist. A month later, I joined this site and started participating in the tools, lessons, and discussions. I also make sure to get adequate rest, sleep, and exercise. I'm feeling better every day because I keep doing what works (re-read this paragraph!). You can start to feel better, too, and I sure hope this is the case.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support to be found here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Kachumbo]

Thanks Speck,  I will try my best to get better day by day, It's just hard to believe there could be people like that in this world, you give them everything for many years and in return you get  a bunch of lies, betrayal, unfairness, etc. I just wished she realizes that she needs help and she actually goes to see a therapist, I'll always love her but I know I can't be with her anymore for my own and my kids sanity, she'll always be the mother of my kids, hopefully I will get custody of my kids and provide a good life for them.
Thanks for the support

[Speck]

Hello again, Kachumbo:

It's just hard to believe there could be people like that in this world, you give them everything for many years and in return you get  a bunch of lies, betrayal, unfairness, etc.

Yes. This exactly.

It is a quite a searing shock of reality to awaken to our pwBPD true nature(s). Once you slide into acceptance, it gets better. That's why tuning into this website on a frequent basis is so key to healing. In doing so, you are able to face the truth of your situation with the support of others on the same road. In a way, it's a blessed relief to finally understand; in another, it's heartbreaking. In time, you will see that the only way out is UP.

Rise up. Write. Process. Learn.

We're open 24/7... .


-Speck