Cruel Mother’s day betrayal present - my 13yr GD has left home, what next?

[Rosie1q]

Hi everyone we are really struggling with this my grand daughter of thirteen years of age was given love kindness spoiled by mum who has BPD.This child with out warning walked out on Mother’s Day to live with her dad who has groomed her by mobile phone he is a wife batterer and has 3 chargers of G B H. But my grand daughter thinks he’s Mr Wonderful. So with no problems at home no body picking on her she turned off the cctv cameras call her thug of a father who picked her up she put her things in the car then went back in and turned on the cameras so all we have is her walking away. That morning mum got up gave her a hug and a kiss and told her she loved her she asked if she would like to take the dogs out for a walk with them both she said no .When her mum came back she rang her to see where she was she then told her she was at her dads and she wanted to live there... The fall out my daughter  and her step dad are broken hearted my daughter illness has gotten worse everyone is shocked as we don’t know what we have done but she hates us all and her dads family are her family now. If she was ill treated I could understand her but my daughter hid her illness from her as she wanted to make sure it didn’t effect her. The excuse was she was asked to dust the lounge as to do something nice for her mum.She even got her mum a card the thing was she took her passport birds hamsters X box school uniform games my daughter was only out for about 20 mins if that. The whole thing was planned by the two of them what really hurts is we had no idea it was cold and calculated and on Mother’s Day now my daughter can’t work and the silence in the house is killing her we are all trying to offer support it a real roller coaster. My daughter has had her ripped out completely.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Oh Rosie1q,   that is truly shocking news, devastating for you, your DD and your family leaving so - I'm so very sorry, no one deserves to be treated in such a heartless and hurtful way. I can only imagine the hurt and turmoil you all feel right now. We are all here listening, we are with you.

You are concerned for your GD's welfare - the history of physical abuse, are there any custody arrangements in place? Does anyone else live with the father?

Hugs to you and your family at this distressing time  

We are here with you, all the way.

WDx  

[Feeling Better]

Hi Rosie1q

I am so so sorry, that is such a cruel thing to happen to a family, I can’t imagine how you all must be feeling.

What is contact like with your grand daughter since she left?

I too am sending you hugs     my thoughts are with you x

[Rosie1q]

Hi thank you for your support so far the police and social workers and school don’t want to know as she is thirteen old enough to make her mind up it doesn’t matter we have custody. So her father won’t tell us we’re she is living he won’t let her talk to mum and is  not giving her medication .and has kept her off school.We have tried everything possible to get her back.My daughter begged him to send her back and he just laughed.Hand on heart my daughter never treated her badly. My daughter won’t go out because if she does and she see children it will tear her apart she not working so she sits in a empty house.Please anyone reading this please say a prayer for her.She is getting help from her mental health team they too can’t believe this has happened as they said she is a good mother and they didn’t have any concerns with her parenting.Its so cruel and unfair.my husband and I are trying to support her through it having to deal we this horrendous fallout .She says she won’t commit suicide because that’s what her ex wants her to do .So what can I say as Charles Dickens said the law is a ass. Take care xx

[Rosie1q]

Hi Wendy darling
The answer to the question dad is living with his girlfriend she has four children one is his and no w my granddaughter has joined them my daughter is left. With no children.I’m a great believer in pray so I’m asking anyone reading this to please pray for my daughter xx

[wendydarling]

Hi Rosie1q

My thoughts and prayers are with your DD  , to have her loving family and the mental health team who understand and validate she's is the good mother she is. I'm shocked the law is an ass a 13 yr old basically disappears into thin air and the father is refusing access, you have custody. You may find it helpful to also post on our Family Law, Custody and Co-parenting board there are many experienced members who can provide support.   Here's a link Family Law, Custody and Co-parenting

What's the arrangement been with co-parenting so far?

We are here and we are listening.

Hugs to you  , this a lot for you to deal with your DD, your GD taken from you is unbearable.

WDx

[Rosie1q]

Hi Wd
Thank you for your support it’s very hard because my daughter has BPD she knows he would use that against her he has groomed my granddaughter and my daughter said she won’t go to court for him to use her BPD against her.She feels humiliated and she will not be apart time mum when she has done nothing wrong while my granddaughter is saying she wants to live with him we can’t win. My daughters mood swings are rapid.Part of her confusion is that she feels abandoned her trust in her daughter is gone one minute she’s in tears crying for her the next the anger comes and she says I can’t trust her anymore.I think the way it was done was so cold and calculating that’s what’s tearing her a part  thanks for the links  I will look. To be honest he has always been obsessed with my daughter when she left him he tried to commit suicide to get her back.But she got him help then moved miles away.She allowed him access to the children on school holidays for the children’s sake. He turned up in her home town and tried to kick the door down we went to court to sort out custody my gut feeling is it’s not about my granddaughter as he has had very little contact  with her he was only interested in his son who  is now 18 and moved out.I think hand on heart he wants to destroy my daughter because she walked away it’s about hurting her. It’s now a waiting game and all we can do is help her get her life back on track.xx

[Daisy123]

Hi Rosie Q,
I most definitely will keep your daughter and GD in my prayers. I am so sorry you and your family are suffering so due to father’s actions.
I think I read a post to you about law and family issues. I am a school teacher and withholding kids from school, along with withholding meds from a child has given us grounds to move forward with DCFS (Depo of Child and Family Services).
Again, I’m just so sorry this has happened to your family.

[Rosie1q]

Hi Daisy 123
Thank you for your prayers and suppport it was kind of you and everyone who have shown support to us. The father went into the school who sent work home My daughter asked why is he keeping her off as she is well. We have told the social workers about the medication they said they will speak to dad. Sorry I need to rush off to my daughter I send all my love xx

[wendydarling]

Hi Rosie1q

As you say all you can do is help your DD get her life back on track day by day, support her through. I can understand your DD not wanting to go to court under the circumstances if there is intention to destroy her.

How are you feeling today, how did your visit go?

WDx

[Rosie1q]

Hi Wd
Thanks for your support.I have been around to see her  I think it’s about acceptance it really hurts. We have to respect my granddaughter  choice so the councillor advised my daughter. She wants no contact at the moment because she doesn’t want that man back in her life. She is in a lot of emotional pain with being a bp trust is a huge issue for her. so it’s one day at a time I can only try to support her. Take care  it’s so helpful to hear from you all. X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there Rosie1q

I can't imagine the emotional pain your DD is in and has to work through, acceptance it really hurts. You understand and love her, will mean so much to her.

You must be totally exhausted, how are you feeling, are you getting time to self care?

WDx

[Rosie1q]

Hi WD
I’ve been over today my daughter is still very angry and hurt changing her mind and dishing out blame at me I told her in the end to stop it now.Which she did then a hour later I got so nasty little comments which I know it’s the pain coming out so I let it go over my head. I’m coming home and watching TV my husband is letting me I explained I was watching married at first sight box sets on channel 4 catch up. I find there’s a lot of positive happy couples.I know it sounds silly but it’s nice to see people enjoying them selves so it’s helping me to unwind and if my mind butts  in it doesn’t matter as its easy to watch the best thing is being able to come on this site and share what’s happening take care x

[wendydarling]

Hi Rosie1q

Some feel good factor tv can really hit the spot for me too. I'm glad coming here and sharing helps you, it's such a relief talking with people who understand and can help us through.

You've been through a lot with your daughter over the years, you understand her BPD, how old was she when diagnosed? My 29DD is 3 years in from dx and I'm over 2 years here. I'm not sure how I managed my way through those first 6 months of crisis, before finding myself here. Were you able to find any local support for you, did you seek counselling in the early days?

I'm glad you were able to not take her hurt and pain, the comments personally, it's a highly charged situation you are dealing with. How is she spending her days this week?

WDx

[Rosie1q]

Hi WD
My daughter was diagnosed about 8 years ago with bipolar at first then about a year ago they said she has BPD and post traumatic stress. She is a very intelligent girl and her speed of thinking is so fast she is way ahead of the person she is talking through. she has a gift of measuring somebody up in seconds. She has trust issues and doesn’t like to be around people. She has been unable to keep a job due to her illness. She finds groups for BPD infuriating as she said I’m not like them. Even her psychologist said she wouldn’t fit into any of the groups. Today she is researching the internet which is another of her talents.She is a brilliant researcher she is keeping us at bay because she knows she will take her anger out on us which she hates doing but can’t stop her self.So when she feels like this we have to respect her space. Today she doesn’t not want to go out we invited her out but she no. Yesterday she went to the shop and bumped into her ex’s best mate who didn’t want to get involved. She asked him to tell her what ex’s is up to and he confirmed he was going to use her mental health against her and say things like she shouts all the time at her. Funny that I go around every day and all I have seen is my granddaughter being spoiled because she was scared of losing her. I keep praying my granddaughter will come back as she know the truth. Take care xx

[wendydarling]

Hi Rosie1q

How are you? Uh oh, I missed your last post, sorry about that. Any news from your granddaughter? That must have been difficult, confirmed her mental health will be used against her. How's she managing? It's good your daughter can tell you when she's not up for company. There is online DBT if your daughters ever interested, I'm minded to offer to pay for my DD at some point as a refresher if she's interested.  That's what's great about this site, the resources are here.

WDx

[Rosie1q]

 Hi WD 
Thanks for your kindness and support. At the moment we have had no contact with my granddaughter as the father won’t let her talk to us or tell us where they are living. We went to see my other daughter and son to day to take the Easter eggs around they have no contact with their sister as they have fell out. My husband took them aside to explained what happened. I couldn’t talk about it with out filling up I think it’s reliving it again.In answer to your  question  my daughter has had DBT three times but it has worked for her. She is up and down at the moment and we are just taking each day as it comes. I have turned in to a monster eater at the moment so today I’m trying not to over eat as I know I’m emotional eating. I’ve been praying that my granddaughter realises she’s being lied to and comes home they call it light bulb moments. Apparently what’s happened to her is called parental alienation there’s a series on the BBC called Come Home just started last week .My daughter told me to watch it as it shows how it works. I’m dreading  Easter as I know my daughter will really feel depressed because she isn’t there with her as they always made a fuss of it . However I hope you and your family enjoy a happy one. X

[Rosie1q]

Hi everyone
Update still haven’t seen your spoke to my grand daughter. My daughter is heart broken and finding it so hard to cope each day. Her moods are everywhere and she is finding it hard to find acceptance. Keep praying for her please xx

[wendydarling]

Oh Rosie1q, this is so unfair, my heart goes out to your daughter and you and yes my prayers and thoughts are with you. It must feel like no mans land, the heart break and the uncertainty, getting to acceptance, not that she agrees with what's happened is hard.  

Rosie I did not see the BBC programme- I'll see if it's on Iplayer, you may have seen this resource in our Learning Centre?VIDEO | Parental alienation syndrome - Craig Childress You said your daughter is a great researcher, do you think she's finding that helpful understanding what's happening to her and her daughter and perhaps strategies if your granddaughter makes contact?

Hang in there, with us  

How are you feeling?

WDx

[Rosie1q]

 *hi*WD
Thanks for your reply and your prayers I appreciate them. My daughter has done a lot of research and she falls into the category of severe alienation. All the experts have advised to walk away this is a brutal form of a abuse by the ex husband . He in turn has turned his own daughter into a abuser who will go on to abuse her all over again as this is the pattern. So at the moment although my daughter is broken she has to walk away. I was having a meeting with my councillor who had just meet me for the first time I briefly mentioned a outline of what has happened I didn’t mention the BPD. This lady worked with prisoners the first thing she said was the ex was a very angry man who has not forgiven my daughter from walking away for him and he is using my granddaughter as a weapon to inflict maximum pain .So I think it best to walk away she has had enough pain in her life. So all I can do is be there for her. Xx