Did your dreams ever give you insight?

[Cromwell]

I never used to dream at all, neither good dreams or nightmares. It was great, just a really good, refreshing sleep for most of my life.

Then I met my BPDx.
.
There was not so many nightmares as there was massive sleep deprivation. Waking up and feeling your heart had stopped completely, anxiety attacks i think.

The nightmares I had were the worst ever, so vivid, and my ex was always in them along with other shadowy characters who were wearing masks.

The first one I had, was at the very start of the relationship. I was in some very dark large building with numerous rotting doors and rickety staircase. (by the way I dont watch horror movies) but it was very much the same idea but far worse than any movie id seen, because I was in it, in the first person. I recall very tepidly going from room to room on the creaky floor and it just felt I was hopelessly lost, in a roofed maze, again very darkened all around, but the feeling of it being made intentionally so for some unknown reason. I climbed the rickety staircase to the next floor, which was then just the same doors as before and darkness until I entered one of the rooms and as I stood in the middle I turned and was rushed at and overcome by masked people who subdued me for what felt I was going to meet my fate. I then saw a glimpse of my BPD ex arrive in the room and her face was emotionless, not even cold, but just a blank, empty look at my predicament, I thought I could see in her eyes some momentary fraction of pity or that she should do something, but in that microsecond i realised i had just imagined it or hoped it, I could see it didnt even exist.

I woke up from this and it was the first nightmare I had, it was at a time I felt this strong feeling of suspicion about her but couldnt quite figure it out. I did feel in my dream that these masked people resembled people that I knew but were hidden. It is eerie for me that I learned toward the end of our relationship that behind my back, whilst still "with me", she had began to make a smear campaign to many people that were in my own social circle that she had made herself part of without me knowing.

Then a very strange thing happened just two weeks ago, it felt like the same nightmare had started again (this is after 7 months of complete NC after a 3 year R/S). I was walking through the same style of darkened house and it felt the same as before, I went around a corner of one of the hallways and hear the sound or caught a glimpse of someone round the other side and felt the terror of it. As I very slowly went around the corner the person ran right towards me and i was struck and frozen with fear, until I realised I was being hugged and comforted, not by my BPDx but by the ex I had been with before her and had my longest relationship with, but who I had completely almost forgotten about due to the monumental amount of emotional expectation that I gave to my BPDx. I wasnt allowed to talk or think about people I had loved before. especially this person in my dream who was hugely significant to me and my BPDx did not like this.

so I woke up feeling at peace and comforted, and it is the first time I thought id experience it possible to have a nightmare that could turn into a happy dream.

Some people might say, "these are simply just dreams, they are nonsense" at least, thats what I was told as a child and came to believe. But when I think about the state of mind I was in, conciously with my BPDx, much of it was dreamlike, from the plans that she made for our future, to the way i felt with her. These ended up to be less real than the ones I had when unconscious, and far less insightful or even meaningful to me.

Since my nightmare turned good dream, ive felt a huge amount of peace and I also sleep very well again, which has helped considerably. I felt so isolated over those three years, that I monopolised not just my present love to my BPDx but that I even went so far as to refrain thinking about those I had loved before. It sort of scares me to think how I managed to be able to even do that.

I wonder if anyone else has had similar, dreams that revealed things of signifcance that you werent conciously able to. i really feel if you get to this state, it is important to get insight of what ultimately is the subconscious trying to make sense of something that it is conflicted about. I have little knowledge over this subject or how much if any relevance it has, but I do know that they have helped me and this last one has helped me with finalising the detachment phase.

[AnuDay]

Excellent post.  I share your same feelings. My nightmare was something about my BPDx trying to control me.  I was so scared and terrified.  When I woke up in the morning I grabbed a paper and the closest pencil and started writing and writing all about that dream.  I'll have to find it.  I reread it over and over.  It is so insightful.  Your post really drives at the subconscious feelings when being with someone with BPD.  It really does feel like a dream state.  I too was not allowed to mention, talk about, or get this... .THINK about exes.  I was not "allowed" to have open jovial conversations with my family.  It was all ABOUT my ex.  Ironically, the guy she left me for wrote her a text saying "It's all about (her name) while he was initially wooing her.  It made her light up.  She truly believed that, despite her children, it really was all about her.  Your dream really resonates with me.  The fear, lack of control, dealing with an emotionless human when it comes to others... .it's a harrowing experience, one that should not be taken lightly.  We've been through a lot.  Personally, I know that after my relationship I had symptoms of PTSD.
But we're surviving and I bet even thriving now.  I can't imagine going back to those circumstances now.  I'm still sorting through emotions, but I have made good progress over the past year. 

[Cromwell]

Excellent post.  I share your same feelings. My nightmare was something about my BPDx trying to control me.  I was so scared and terrified.  When I woke up in the morning I grabbed a paper and the closest pencil and started writing and writing all about that dream.  I'll have to find it.  I reread it over and over.  It is so insightful.  Your post really drives at the subconscious feelings when being with someone with BPD.  It really does feel like a dream state.  I too was not allowed to mention, talk about, or get this... .THINK about exes.  I was not "allowed" to have open jovial conversations with my family.  It was all ABOUT my ex.  Ironically, the guy she left me for wrote her a text saying "It's all about (her name) while he was initially wooing her.  It made her light up.  She truly believed that, despite her children, it really was all about her.  Your dream really resonates with me.  The fear, lack of control, dealing with an emotionless human when it comes to others... .it's a harrowing experience, one that should not be taken lightly.  We've been through a lot.  Personally, I know that after my relationship I had symptoms of PTSD.
But we're surviving and I bet even thriving now.  I can't imagine going back to those circumstances now.  I'm still sorting through emotions, but I have made good progress over the past year. 

Thanks so much Anuday , really helps to see such similarity here, I really mean this when I say that im glad to hear of anyone who has got through this and with regards to the PTSD, for some reason the worst of the flashbacks have lost their impact. I think it is mostly due to the fact that im thriving now and have turned this experience to my advantage and dont feel a victim, which is huge progress from where I was not long ago at all. Those previously deeply disturbing PTSD triggers have evaporated, im not sure yet why, but they dont carry any power like they did. I hope the same happens for you.

The only real triggers interestingly are the "good time triggers" such as

Today has been a beautiful day and I finished work early, and all of a sudden in that alone moment, I thought about how I would have loved to have spent it with my BPDx like I used to, almost an automatic conditioned response.

When I thought it through rationally rather than replaying those good memories, and what ive learned about her since leaving her, is that I dont actually like this person at all anymore, so why am I feeling that way. I feel one of the hardest things to deal with are the fact that we have such extreme happy moments, it is hard to turn away from a person who your mind has associated with pleasure, regardless of the real truth underlying it, that it isnt all what it seems and i dont blame myself now for not recognising any of this at the time, it is only since Ive had space with the NC that eventually can figure things out. I think a big part of what might have effected us this way is the psychosis state of our BPDx which when you connect on such a deep level and spend so much time with, at least for myself I think I started to began to share in her concept of reality, and thats where the mind really starts to get in a twist. i like how you said thrive rather than just survive, lets make that happen one day at a time right?

[once removed]

I wonder if anyone else has had similar, dreams that revealed things of signifcance that you werent conciously able to. i really feel if you get to this state, it is important to get insight of what ultimately is the subconscious trying to make sense of something that it is conflicted about.

a lot of psychological healing takes place during dreams, during rest. a lot of attempts at healing take place too. ive had dreams (unrelated) that stuck with me for over a decade, each about the same subject, the same painful dynamic, the same powerful feelings that would last me the rest of the day.

i did have dreams early on. they were pretty simple on paper, but i think they were psychologically significant to me.

i dont really remember the first dream. i know that it had to do with me chasing her throughout it, in the sense that she was distancing herself from me, and as the dream went on she was increasingly absent, and i was trying to find her.

i was, at the time, truly flabbergasted by my exs decision to break up with me. i genuinely wondered if it was a test (effort to open my eyes and fix the relationship), if she had even recruited a few participants in that test. most of all, i sure hoped it was a test (it wasnt).

so the second had to do with her and our mutual friend, who at the time, i wondered if she had been recruited. i dont recall the specifics. my ex and i were fighting and she was on the verge of breaking up with me. the mutual friend was involved, she was a sounding board for my ex, and she was taking shots at me. it felt like a no win situation. i heard myself say "i dont care. i just dont care." and i woke up.

that lasted me for at least part of the rest of the day, which i badly needed at the time 

around when this was happening, i read more about dreams as a reaction to trauma, and how common they are, and about how theyre a form of processing. for whatever reason, after i read that, something clicked, and the painful dreams stopped.

i have dreamt about her around half a dozen times since. in each dream, we are together, or back together, im sensing that it cant work, that i have to break up with her, dreading it, and wondering how to go about it, knowing theres no good way. theyre fairly intense dreams, but they arent painful, and they have no lingering effect.

Some people might say, "these are simply just dreams, they are nonsense" at least, thats what I was told as a child and came to believe. But when I think about the state of mind I was in, conciously with my BPDx, much of it was dreamlike, from the plans that she made for our future, to the way i felt with her. These ended up to be less real than the ones I had when unconscious, and far less insightful or even meaningful to me.

a lot of us were running on adrenaline throughout our relationship, especially toward the end. and even in a desperate state, there can be a fair amount of brain fog, short term memory not transferring to long term memory, etc. i think a whole lot of this can show up in dreams.

[Ex2BPD]

I wonder if anyone else has had similar, dreams that revealed things of signifcance that you werent conciously able to. i really feel if you get to this state, it is important to get insight of what ultimately is the subconscious trying to make sense of something that it is conflicted about. I have little knowledge over this subject or how much if any relevance it has, but I do know that they have helped me and this last one has helped me with finalising the detachment phase.

Dear Cromwell,
Yes; just last night in fact.

For the past three weeks I have spent an hour-a-day reading through this website in my own personal therapy sessions, gaining more perspective than any every-three-weeks-therapy-session could provide.

So, your post on dreams strikes me as both brave and very insightful.
- - -

My sister made a comment last month about how I was at 100% in matters of Love.  I didn't take it harshly when she added, "100% Fail rating". (She's been married 45 years - and dispenses left-handed compliments like candy at Halloween... .different issue  

Okay... .so admitting some truth to her indictment regarding "100% fail".  So, in my mind this past week, I've been comparing and contrasting past lovers and had THIS dream last night.

Add: Such a "real" dream that it will stay with me for days, I'm sure.

I was at a music festival -- one of the organizers -- which is my schtick in reality.  In the distance I heard the loud stage-voice of my just-past mBPD lover, a musician. 

In the dream I tried to hide in the bed of a pick up truck, but he found me! (Yikes! Real Fear!) 

In the dream it was the Personality of my just-past lover, but in the Face and Body of a long-ago Machiavellian who mind-gamed me for 14 years. (I chased after the Love of these two men like a crazed 14-year old, even though both affairs took place in my "adult" years.)

During last night's dream my heart raced, I felt a shadow migraine coming on; real physiological reactions. 

The fear was based on the dream-fact that I "knew" that composite-lover "knew" that I had been trying to hide from him and we were both (in the dream) doing this cobra-dance as he fake-smiled through his rage.

He was blaming ME for causing his breaking off our affair. And, all the while I was **looking for a way out** without sending him into a rage. He "hung" his arm over my shoulder - like a possessive teen-ager does.  The dream concluded with me making a dash for it.

But it was a reminder of how intuitively threatened I felt during both affairs.
- - -

The Reveal?  The dream showed me how what I have learned about 'red flags' and Cluster B's by reading this site actually answers the bleating, "Why? Why?" questions that have haunted me for years over my Machiavellian lover, and Could have haunted me for years over this just ended affair.

TOTALLY believe in the power, and insights, from The Dream World.

Such a worthwhile topic, thank you for posting the dialogue prompt.

[Cromwell]

That was really interesting Ex2BPD. I actually wish I would dream more often, I rarely do which is what made those events so profound for me. (ive had about 4 or 5 dreams in as equal as the same amount of years).

I found it interesting how this composite of two had merged into one, almost like you say that in some ways you had the same type of person in both relationships. and you broke free from both eventually. This smile that you mentioned resonates with me, one of the haunting things that ive tried to repress is that beneath the mask my ex put on, the few times the mask would be lifted away was when she had done something that had visibly managed to hurt me, or make me feel threatened and powerless. It was at its most clearest way of describing, simply the face and smirk of evil and of sadism. An entire world away from the mask and someone I held with such high regard. But then as you continue, I can feel the same, the projection would then start to suggest that my hurt was a result of being punished for being the one at fault. however ridiculous this was.

The closest I have to understanding some common denominator to explain this, is that these type of people were themselves very much hurt at one stage of life and it stuck with them. They never overcame the victim stage or mentality, and it evolved into a mindset of "from now on, if anyones going to be hurt, im the one who will be doing it, not on the receiving end", and the result is by seeing the hurt put into others is a form of compensation that someone else endures the same type of pain they had to. Then there is a projection or other method to absolve themselves of any guilt and make the victim into the guilty one who deserved that treatment.

At least this explanation I have provides me with more compassion and less negative responses that I was simply a convenient emotional-punch bag for a person that has not overcome their own issues. The difference is that in the end I can brush off what has happened, chalk it up to life experience and not carry it with me. The PD have to maintain this view that in this world, everyone is wrong but themselves and the habitual impulsivity to hurt those that have made themselves vulnerable to them in some way. In the process, drive the very people out of their lives that held the most value. For all the temporal sadistic "kicks" that my ex got, I stuck around long enough to see that they were just small blips before crashing back down into that enduring baseline of perpetually feeling sorry for oneself, and "woe is the world" and being the forever victim in the center of it all.

Thanks for sharing Ex2BPD, it gave me a lot to think about.

[Cromwell]

a lot of psychological healing takes place during dreams, during rest. a lot of attempts at healing take place too. ive had dreams (unrelated) that stuck with me for over a decade, each about the same subject, the same painful dynamic, the same powerful feelings that would last me the rest of the day.

i did have dreams early on. they were pretty simple on paper, but i think they were psychologically significant to me.

i dont really remember the first dream. i know that it had to do with me chasing her throughout it, in the sense that she was distancing herself from me, and as the dream went on she was increasingly absent, and i was trying to find her.

i was, at the time, truly flabbergasted by my exs decision to break up with me. i genuinely wondered if it was a test (effort to open my eyes and fix the relationship), if she had even recruited a few participants in that test. most of all, i sure hoped it was a test (it wasnt).

so the second had to do with her and our mutual friend, who at the time, i wondered if she had been recruited. i dont recall the specifics. my ex and i were fighting and she was on the verge of breaking up with me. the mutual friend was involved, she was a sounding board for my ex, and she was taking shots at me. it felt like a no win situation. i heard myself say "i dont care. i just dont care." and i woke up.

that lasted me for at least part of the rest of the day, which i badly needed at the time 

around when this was happening, i read more about dreams as a reaction to trauma, and how common they are, and about how theyre a form of processing. for whatever reason, after i read that, something clicked, and the painful dreams stopped.

i have dreamt about her around half a dozen times since. in each dream, we are together, or back together, im sensing that it cant work, that i have to break up with her, dreading it, and wondering how to go about it, knowing theres no good way. theyre fairly intense dreams, but they arent painful, and they have no lingering effect.

a lot of us were running on adrenaline throughout our relationship, especially toward the end. and even in a desperate state, there can be a fair amount of brain fog, short term memory not transferring to long term memory, etc. i think a whole lot of this can show up in dreams.

That makes a great deal of sense to me, i knew that i was suffering this cocktail of ill health symptoms but I never understood fully the cause and the physiological effects that were happening. I only recognise now that since time is passing from the NC, how greatly the health improves from where it was.

Im glad that these dreams you have now are about gaining valuable insight and dont cause pain or linger on. Certainly im at this stage now and feel a great sense of peace compared to during the R/S these dreams amongst all the FOG and sleep deprivation caused a great deal of confusion and upset, it is empowering to know instead that if they occur again I see them as worthwhile tool to use them to their full advantage. Im going to do some research to see if there is any way how to best induce the chance of them occuring, I want to go back to that house, although it was just as scary as playing Resident Evil 1 for the first time on playstation, without the save game room. YES it was THAT bad.