He gave me an ultimatum: move where he is, or get divorced.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mine is in town while we prepare the family home for market. We have to be around each other and work together.

He gave me an ultimatum that he has hinted at before:

1. Move where he is without our college kids, without a job (he's retired BTW, I am not), without a church, without counselling, and without friends. He says it's a "new start" and our "last chance."

2. Get divorced.

It baffles me how he can think that anything would be different if I moved there. He completely downplays the impact on me.

I'm playing it neutral because we have to get the house sold. My finances aren't at all good right now, and of course if we get a divorce, I need the funds.

[MeandThee29]

Mine is in town while we prepare the family home for market. We have to be around each other and work together.

He gave me an ultimatum that he has hinted at before:

1. Move where he is without our college kids, without a job (he's retired BTW, I am not), without a church, without counselling, and without friends. He says it's a "new start" and our "last chance."

2. Get divorced.

It baffles me how he can think that anything would be different if I moved there. He completely downplays the impact on me.

I'm playing it neutral because we have to get the house sold. My finances aren't at all good right now, and of course if we get a divorce, I need the funds.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey M&T, Sorry to hear that you are under stress.  Those w/BPD, in my view, commonly resort to ultimatums, because manipulation is frequently how they get their way.  I think you are smart to play it cool and would discourage you from giving in to his ultimatum/attempt to manipulate you.  What I do suggest is for you to figure out what is best for you and your needs, and go with that plan, when the moment is right.

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Update!

We are working on the house, so we have to be around each other for a week. The moving van comes tomorrow for his stuff. I was trying to put him off so we could get things done, but he called my bluff, and I chose divorce. His family thinks I should indeed just drop everything and move there. Nope.

It was ugly at first. He told me to take off my wedding ring in front of him and never wear it again. He said that he will file for divorce when he gets home and that April was the last month of financial support (we have a written, informal separation that specified support). My therapist predicted this and said to not give him any fuel. So I said that I was sorry that he thinks that little of the person who was married to him for twenty-five years and went off to run an errand.

Later in the day he said that he had been too harsh (charming, right?), and that he will wait until I'm self-supporting to file for divorce and end support. Oh my, a decent bone in his body, what a concept. Not that I believe that he will stick to this, but I accepted it and left shortly after that.

Today he's just all business. God help me get through this week... .

[MeandThee29]

duplicate

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, M&T, It sounds like you have come to a turning point, which I view as a positive thing.  It's likely to be rough sledding ahead, yet it leads to greater happiness, so keep up the good work.  LJ

[MeandThee29]

Oh, this is fun.

Last night the ultimatum was to completely cut off our two young adults forever and move in with him. And I'm supposed to tell them that they are responsible for the divorce if I don't do this.

He's working on the house alone now, and likely will leave early. I'll have to finish the work without him. And he doesn't want to see me unless he must.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey M&T, Sorry to hear you are bouncing from one ultimatum to another, but it's a pushme-pullyou world in the land of BPD.  As I suggested above, a healthy response to a BPD ultimatum is to ignore it.  Decline to engage, is my recommendation.

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Hey M&T, Sorry to hear you are bouncing from one ultimatum to another, but it's a pushme-pullyou world in the land of BPD.  As I suggested above, a healthy response to a BPD ultimatum is to ignore it.  Decline to engage, is my recommendation.
LJ

Yes, that's what I did until he pushed it. He plans to file divorce soon.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey M&T, Talk is cheap and those w/BPD threaten to do a lot of things that never happen.  If he files for divorce, so be it, but don't hold your breath!  I suggest focusing on what is right for you and what you would like to see happen in terms of the best scenario for you.  I have a saying, "Put your energy where your power is," by which I mean the things within your control (usually just yourself).  Hang in there!

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Hey M&T, Talk is cheap and those w/BPD threaten to do a lot of things that never happen.  If he files for divorce, so be it, but don't hold your breath!  I suggest focusing on what is right for you and what you would like to see happen in terms of the best scenario for you.  I have a saying, "Put your energy where your power is," by which I mean the things within your control (usually just yourself).  Hang in there!

LJ

By law, he can't immediately file anyway. Depending on which state he chooses, late May is the earliest. He looked deeply into my eyes a few days ago and said he would never, ever leave me dry without adequate income and health insurance, and then today he texted that he's cutting off support and will file right away. Tomorrow? Who knows. He's been threatening separation, divorce, and financial ruin for eight years.

I need to get a full-time job though, even if it's in retail. My work-at-home contract ends in late May with a last paycheck mid-June, and my other part-time work steps back in early May. I've been applying for months, but it's just not moving. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey M&T, How are things going?  Fill us in, when you can.  LJ

[Speck]

Hello, MeandThee29!

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck