Stuck and not sure what to do

[Karmamom]

Hi,

This is my first post here.  I am married to a serial cheater husband.  We have been married for 32 years, and I am not sure what to do at this point.  He has had what his therapist describes as "risk-taking behavior" with other women during our entire marriage.  This is apparently common in people who were sexually abused as children.  He was fired for sexual harassment the first year we were married.  During the next 10 years, I had a young woman tell me he was acting "creepy" and hitting on her and her aunt who were our tenants.  I caught him talking to another woman on the phone after he thought I was asleep.  Each incident resulted in him coming up with an explanation to try to explain it away and me telling him it was unacceptable behavior and if I ever caught him at it again, then our marriage was over. 

He got another woman pregnant at year 19, after our 4th child was born and I went back to work.  (He had been laid off from his job a year earlier, and was staying home to take care of the baby and run our rental property business.)  He was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on medication, and agreed to go no contact with this woman.  He lied and said that he was not with her yet when the baby was conceived and that he was not the father of her baby.  I kicked him out three years later, when I found out he was still contacting her and the baby was his. (Her husband came to my house to let me know.  I did a DNA test to be sure.) The woman and her husband moved out of state to try to salvage their marriage, and I let my husband move back in.  We went to marriage counseling and reconciled. 

I was back to trusting him again 5 years later when I found a text from a different woman saying "That's not what you said when you kissed me yesterday".  He again tried to explain it away saying that he kissed her on the forehead and was just reassuring her that she could paint houses for us to support her kids since her husband was leaving her.  I told my husband that I did not believe that for a minute, and that given his history he had better not kiss another woman anywhere if he wanted to be married to me.  No surprise - he kept at it with her and I moved into the guest bedroom 14 months ago when I found a couple of Valentine cards from her saying how much she enjoyed their embraces.

I am only considering that he might have BPD after two of my older kids suggested it.  BTW-they think I should leave him, regardless.  One was describing his behavior to her therapist, who said that sounds like BPD.  My other daughter's husband was doing his psych rotation in medical school and said "Wow, BPD sounds exactly like your dad".  I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and am uncertain what to do that would not just feed into his behavior.  The way he makes me feel is exactly what is described in the book.  He thinks every action is an attack on him.  He criticizes everything I do, but gets very angry if anyone suggests anything he does is not great.  He meets 7 of the 9 criteria of BPD.  However, if I help him feel more confident and loved as the book suggests, then he just feels entitled because he is "good" and has more bad behavior.

He went to work with a therapist last summer when I was packing to move out.  Both his therapist and mine thought that I should not move out without making a parenting plan for our 15 year old son first.  My husband refused to do this, so I felt stuck and moved into the guest bedroom and have been there since.

Sorry for the long post.  I have three questions:
1.  Should I move out or stay 3 years until my son graduates?
2.  Does anyone else have a BPD husband who is a serial cheater?  Most of the cases I read about are women who get out of control.  My husband is very much in control, and tries to pretend to be a great guy but does really terrible things in secret.  As my daughters say, "He goes after really messed up and needy women because they make him feel better about himself".  I think he likes to be a "white knight".
3.  Has anyone else ever stayed with a spouse, but changed their relationship to a friend?  I have become a roommate rather than a wife to protect myself.  I am not sure whether it is a good idea to do this for the next 3 years, but right now it is working and allowing my son to live with both parents.  It is not the best model of a marriage, but all of my kids know what has happened and that I love them and their Dad, but I will not continue to be abused.

When I type this out, it sounds really bad.  I guess it is.  I am a competent, capable person but I have been with him since I was a teenager.  I worry that I will just attract another messed up person if I leave.  Is there any hope for me other than leaving him?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi there and welcome.  I am so sorry for all that has been going on.  It sounds like a lot to deal with.  I don't normally post on this section of the site but your post caught my eye and I wanted to say welcome and let you know that you have found a good place to try to work your way to answering the questions you ask at the end of your post.  You are in a safe place where people will understand support and even challenge you as you work your way through things.

We do have people here who post about uBPDh's (undiagnosed BPD husbands) who have cheated so you are not alone.  As painful as your situation is, it is not unfortunately, that uncommon. 

When I type this out, it sounds really bad.  I guess it is.  I am a competent, capable person but I have been with him since I was a teenager.  I worry that I will just attract another messed up person if I leave.  Is there any hope for me other than leaving him?

I hear you that you have been with him a long time.  It is like this relationship is all you know.  That can change and if you choose not to leave him, you can still improve things for yourself and develop communication skills and learn tools that will help you to not get into the same sort of situation should you ever leave and while you remain in the relationship.  A good place to start is to look over on the right hand side of the page.  There is a list of links to articles that have a lot of information in them and can serve as a starting point in this part of your journey. 

I hope you feel free to continue to read and post.  I will be looking forward to hearing more of your story and to cheering you on as you progress.

Be well.

[PChemGuy]

Hi Karmamom,

Wow it sounds like you have been through so much. That is terrible and it makes total sense how distressed you must feel.

From all that you said, I will just pick one part to add my perspective. I hope other folks can give you their insights, too.

1.  Should I move out or stay 3 years until my son graduates?

So... .at one point in my life, I was in the position of your son. My parents split while I was in high school. It was yucky, and I didn't like it, to say the least. At the same time, I saw then that it was maybe the best thing. I guess my advice would be, don't frame the question that way. I am sure that you would do anything for your kids. But I would recommend that you think about what is best for you. How can you grow as a person and change the parts that you contribute to this relationship pattern? Maybe that can happen in the relationship. Maybe not. Those are hard decisions for you. If you are serious about improving yourself, then I think there is a reasonable chance that your son might understand even though divorce is nasty and awful.   

Do you know the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I found it very helpful for laying out this idea of fixing me. That is what I have control over. That is where I put my energy. The change in perspective this has given me has, by itself, really made me feel better. I mean my relationship is still in the dumps, but I know where I need to go.

[Mutt]

Hi Karmamom,

My husband is very much in control, and tries to pretend to be a great guy but does really terrible things in secret.

As my daughters say, "He goes after really messed up and needy women because they make him feel better about himself"

He thinks every action is an attack on him.  He criticizes everything I do, but gets very angry if anyone suggests anything he does is not great.

You’ve read the book SWOE Randi says that the difference between a pwBPD and a pwBPD is how they express their anger a pwBPD will go into a rage out of nowhere and push you away but will feel shame later, a pwNPD will lash out if you don’t mean their high standards. I wonder if he’s a pwNPD?

Im sorry that you’re going through a very difficult time in your marriage, it has to feel sad and lonely that you have to stay in a room in your own house away from him and to have your S15 we you go through this  I haven’t gone through this myself I’m sure others have and will add their advice. I stayed on the couch for several months.

I can see why you’re worried and you’re asking if there’s anything left that you can do. You can try using the communication tools they work for highly sensitive people and pwBPD

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

I’d like to echo Hari there are members here that have H’s with BPD traits that cheated. You’re not alone.

I’d suggest to read as much as you can about BPD it will help you understand why he acts the way that he does, there is an underlying logic to the erratic behavior.