Our biggest issue is our sex life

[juju2]

Hi friends,

You guys have stuck by me.

I have my story here.

I had dreams about him.  It's on different post.

We meet for coffee once a week.  He has o.w. He sees Friday nite-sunday nite, I used to drive by his place.

am trying to not lose my mind.

This board, you people  have made a difference.

Our biggest issue is our sex life, he could not have climax, almost never, and i couldnt keep up w him, he could go for 45 min.  We last had sex oct. Same thing.
Now he has more dysfunction, he had surgery last year, that caused numbness there, nerves were cut.

He told me about one month ago, that he has new psychiatrist, and she said that he doesn't have BPD!

She said he has ptsd.

Well, he truly has all the symptoms of BPD.

So the person he is seeing, I know her, she is ten yrs younger than me, she isnt as cute as me, she is working on her PhD.  to me  she seemed like a know it all, and i think he feels like he got a great catch... .  I really don't know what he thinks, we don't discuss it.  I don't understand what is going on, unless he realizes that if someone spends too much time w him, they will realize that he has a problem... .

I was the one who asked that we separate  we were both toxic.  He painted me black.

Only recently has he said that we did have to separate, to work on ourselves... .two months ago, he told me, "I don't know" when I asked about us, if we had a future.

last month, I made the mistake of asking him if he was in a r/s.  He said yes.  I lost my hope.

I asked him for a cooling off period, not NC, CC.
He called, he texted, he even came over twice that weekend, I left the house open, he needed something.
Then he forgot what he needed on the couch.  He came back, I left it outside... .

Since then, I realized that i will still see him for coffee.  So that is where we are.

I love him.  I know him at his worst.  His best and all in between. 
I only learned tools here in October.
So I am in recovery 13 months, for co dependency.
I gave up problem gambling (26yr habit)April 30, 2017.
I lost 50 lbs, have 30 more.  gained 80 lbs during our ten years, got totally out of shape.  Am taking classes after work.  I am meeting w friends.

You all have literally gotten me thru darkness.  Dark days.  Thank you.

[Speck]

Hello, juju2!

I gave up problem gambling (26yr habit) April 30, 2017. I lost 50 lbs, have 30 more.  gained 80 lbs during our ten years, got totally out of shape.  Am taking classes after work.  I am meeting w friends.

It sounds like you have been through the full round-robin of emotions with this relationship. I see your struggle and applaud all your successes, of which there have been many. In six more days, you can celebrate not problem gambling for one whole year! This is huge!

Keep doing what works. Step by step we heal.


-Speck

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi juju2, 

I love him.  I know him at his worst.  His best and all in between. 
I only learned tools here in October.
So I am in recovery 13 months, for co dependency.

I am also working on my co dependency. Good for you that you are making so much progress!  I know understanding doesn't take away the pain, but it does help you to gradually grasp how strong is the hold of this relationship upon you. Untangling oneself is a tough process and often lonely, because our security has been found within the tight hold of unhealthy bonds keeping the friendship together.

Are you beginning to feel any more freedom within yourself, any increased strength yet?

 
Wools

[Tattered Heart]

Congratulations on your progress juju. Great job on the weight loss! I'm glad you have found a good place for you in working through co-dependency. I know your struggle has been hard, but I'm glad you are here to share with others and to help others heal too.

What would you say was your biggest "ah-a  " moment in the process?

[AskingWhy]

Intimacy for the pwBPD isn't all that simple.

It's a way for them to forget, at least for awhile, the emptiness and hollowness they feel inside.

They really have no sense of themselves.  They are terrified of this.  That is why they lash out, like a confused and angry toddler. 

juju2, I hope that you are not taking this personally.  It appears you are taking the time to work on yourself. I know the feeling well.

[juju2]

Thank you everyone for your posts.

You encouragement is precious to me.

I do see that i was ill, I had my stuff to deal with, and all that time I thought it was him.  Mentally, I pointed the finger at him.  I was so judgemental.

I am beating myself up because we did have a lit of good times.  I wish I knew why he wants to see me.  That is a question I don't ask.  I have learned to not ask if I am not ready to hear the answer.

Bless you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

j

[formflier]

I do see that i was ill, I had my stuff to deal with, and all that time I thought it was him.  Mentally, I pointed the finger at him.  I was so judgemental.
 

Even thoughts unsaid can be perceived.

Remember... pwBPD are super super sensitive to "signals" about what people are thinking... .what's in their heart. 

FF

[juju2]

Tattered,

The aha moment would be, it's never handled.  There are good days, bad days, and everything in between...

Ff.
Thank you for your insight.  He is intuitive, that is something very special.

Thank you everyone

[juju2]

I guess what I wanted to share, is, I can't stop making myself wrong for everything I did over the ten years.  Not finding out how BPD was affecting our r/s is something I can't forgive myself for.
He told me about it even before we met.  He is a sincere, caring person, who has BPD.  It doesn't have him.

I feel like I trashed our r/s.  I did not manage myself, nor my emotions.  Am in the impact of missing him and our time together.  Not knowing if there will ever be an us again.