Starting to see my part better

[juju2]

Hi family

These last months, am starting to see the pressure I was putting on my r/s by being untreated co dependency.

Have spent the last 15 months working on low self esteem, being whole, and seeing signs of being needy.  I read here that BPD and co d people attract, so there may be a lot of us dealing w our issues, and how to get healthy.

am becoming aware of my triggers, my internal dialogue, and allowing low esteem feelings to be experienced, and allow them to pass.  Am journaling positives that happen, since my personality minimizes positives.

My personality blames, shames, judges me harshly. My personality wants me to take responsibility where I should not.  It's all about becoming aware of these things, accepting these things, and pausing.  Seeing where or if I should act.  Pausing has not let me down.  Also am doing the opposite of what i would normally do.  Since I cannot trust my knee jerk reactions.

This board has helped me so much!

The people here have shown care, compassion, and what they did to deal w their situations.

It's appreciated!

j

[juju2]

Hi

A p.s. to prev post, another thing I do is go to worst case scenario, and making the mistake of asking my friends for advice, they don't know us, and then I have a bigger circle of confusion, because asking people who have no experience w BPD is problematic at best.

Learning tools here is big.  Stop making things worse is also very good.  I feel like am late to the game, separated last year and just within 6 months even learning about BPD.

I can't change the past.  Maybe my experience will help someone else.

I see glimmers of hope for my r/s, and i do not know.

What I don't know is becoming larger by the day.

That's a good thing, for me, that means I am ready to learn.

Thank you,  j

[formflier]

  and then I have a bigger circle of confusion

This is HUUUUUGGGGEEEEEE  for you.

Keep this analogy "front and center".  When faced with decisions... .ask yourself if the circle will get bigger or smaller.

Also... .are you responsible for the confusion of others? 

Whose confusion should you focus on?

FF

[juju2]

Thank you F.

I am responsible for my confusion, getting clear, pausing.  I don't need to ask advice from people who have no experience, they will confuse and make things worse.  I mix up support with asking for advice.  Support I can get from caring, positive people.  Advice I can get from people w experience w BPD.  It's simple.  Not easy.

Aha moment.  Stop shooting my r/s in the foot by getting mixed up w confused people who don't know that they don't know!

Thank you,  j

[formflier]

And... .if he is confused?  What is your role in "unconfusing him"?

FF

[juju2]

I am responsible for myself.  I sort myself out.

He gets to sort himself out.

He has his own Higher Power.

I have no control over what any one else thinks.

[formflier]

 
Yep... .certainly you should encourage him and express your belief that he can do it...

FF

[juju2]

Hi F

Thank you for your response.


do what.

[AskingWhy]

BPDs are attracted to two types of people according to what I know.

First, like many on these boards, are codependents.  We are giving, loving people who were somehow attracted or ensnared in the world of the BPD.  Some of us married and could not understand the frequents explosions, splitting and the push-pull dynamic of the BPD relationship.

The other is the narcissist.  In this BPD/narcissist r/s, it is almost like the symbiotic relationship of the sadist/masochist.  I know my uBPD H is BPD while I am the codependent.  His ex W is a narcissist.  You should see the adult children she raised:  one is an alcoholic, one is a narcissist and the other most likely BPD with a mess of wrecked r/s and suicide attempts.

It takes a set of open eyes armed with knowledge to admit the role we play in our r/s. 

I am happy you are being more objective as this means you are less likely to take things personally when your pwBPD acts out and dysregulates.

[juju2]

Thank you everyone.

I appreciate your responses.

He was sharing w me like old times, he trusts me, and i trust him.  We each have two kids, prev r/s, and each of us has a problem child, which makes it hard.  At the same time, I consider our kids, all four, ours. All of our children are adults.now.

The ten years we dealt w them really put a strain on our r/s, and it is what it is.  I love all of them. 

He shared w me how his work went bad, these last two weeks.  I was able to validate and empathize.

He is gifted talented, and has much problem w finishing a job on time, which causes him stress.

He has wonderful clients who see past these issues.  I was happy to provide a caring, compassionate ear.

All in all, not knowing where this will go, I remain hopeful.  He is seeing someone.

Yesterday I was thinking, if he has a better life w her, I do not want to hold him back.

And he wants to see me every week.

I love him.

Thank you family.  j

[Red5]

BPDs are attracted to two types of people according to what I know.

First, like many on these boards, are codependents. 

We are giving, loving people who were somehow attracted or ensnared in the world of the BPD. 

Some of us married and could not understand the frequents explosions, splitting and the push-pull dynamic of the BPD relationship.

... .some of us re-married and could not understand the frequent explosions, splitting and the push-pull dynamic of the BPD relationship.

Bingo !

Red5