Friend who has helped through my breakup is leaving. I’m hurting.

[gotbushels]

-she is moving where she has no friends- yes she will make some... and unfortunately she may find someone— that sucks... but for the last year she chose had no one... and then  to be with me ( I am her freind first, I will be there for her)

To really have a break up, don’t we have to be gf/bf... that sentence never entered, I want that...

Whoad,    members are here to help each other.  It seems you really want a more than friends relationship with this person. Lately, it doesn't seem she wants the same. I've been there before. So many of us have. It's normal to feel crumby. Sometimes when people don't get what they want, they may also hate something. Is that where you've been feeling lately? I don't know and what's why I'm asking.

I think it will be good to look at this before the other issues.

[Insom]

Hi, Whoad.  

Good for you, noticing all the red flags.   It sounds like you had a sense of where this was going before you went to her house.  

She got even madder. I asked her why she was mad at me and why she’s is not being herself. She said “you violated the rules of our freindship” she would not explain herself, or tell me why or what or how,  and when I pressed she stated the world doesn’t to work that way and I have no right to know. Bull crap.

I hear how frustrating it is to reach out with kind intentions and not get kindness back.  Is it possible she asked for space but wasn't able to communicate that in a way where you were able to hear her?  Sometimes for women it can feel very hard to ask for space.

I guess I move on, and let her deal with her crap, obviously this whole move will self destruct and her career. I’m her freind, and forgiving... but I know, I have been the best person I could be, to her and to us.

Outside of this frustrating experience you had with your friend, how are things going with you this week?

[Whoad]

Yeah, the red flags of pushing away, and limiting contact show me that she was trying to deal with it in her own ADHD way. It’s common in ADHD relationships to push away under intense emotion.

She pulled away when trying to move the last time, it took a week for her to come around and then I helped her move. And we went back to normal. As that could be for a non-ADHD and ADHD.

 I was not letting this quiet go I was unsure of her intentions and wanted honesty.

This is entirely different relationship than a one with BPD. Some comorbidity occurs with the brain dysfunction... I have learned a great deal. My therapist I had been seeing also deals with folks in this disability.  T says she wishes that would come see her just even to get a baseline.  has her own therapist.

I won’t be bullied, and talked down to. I won’t let someone hurt me again. I wanted an answer. Of what was going on, and in a true freindship and or relationship and yes we have been intimate. Communication is key. She is choosing not communicate due to her a) stubbornness b) ADHD issues - and it is a real issue... did I get what I wanted out of my dealing with her. No.

I have been kind, loving, genuine, and scared as well. She didn’t ask for space, and never communicated it. I have had to assume and I can see maybe why her prior relationship failed. He refused to work, deal, or communicate with her because he was not getting his needs fulfilled, (long distance relationships never really work unless both parties work on it and want to be together)

Do I want a ltr... with her... Yes is it going to happen tomorrow no... I will give her space and let go on about her way, and move on with my life I will be her freind. She has very few. ... and if it so works out, then so be it.  She is a great woman that came out of the blue, and was my freind with  no BPD crap. She helped me... I will be her freind... she has to take it farther, as she did before... I know she is scared and career driven. She has to sort this out, her life.

I’m tired of Snow... it’s spring and really want to get out and ride... I did some work, for a freind to remodel his home... it took away the frustration.  Other than that... I’m good...

[Whoad]

She has left. No phone call, no text, just leaving my house key at post office. Still freinds on Facebook... I do believe she can’t deal with the emotions of goodbye... she can’t see me cry, because I likely would have. She can’t deal with her emotions as well... hence her pushing me away.

She has never told me she hates me, don’t talk to me, I don’t want you... .nada.

It’s not me.  It’s her not being able to come terms, nor willing to deal. She is chasing that “shiny”...   I will update as life comes please don’t close the thread... I’m learning patience... again...

[Whoad]

Ok, I’m so confused.

So my bf moves, she pushes away, I give space. She doesn’t ask for help to move in fact does it all on her own.  She leaves the house key in the mailbox, no goodbye, see ya, I hate you, etc... nada...

Well I know since her move she has been looking at my Facebook. Dealing with a BPDex does not take long to figure stalking is happening.  Well I use FB twice a day. Morning to check updates for events and questions for pages I manage. (3) I check them at night as well.

I rarely post, I have 114 freinds... I’m not big into the crap... but Thursday FB memories shows  a memory from 4 yrs ago. And it memeory of her and I on bike ride, 2 pics... I swipe it up.to move it.   I need to look at page info below the memory for a race I’m in...

[Whoad]

My post was incomplete I will add to it later... I have some self care. Bike race to do... dumb internet...

[Whoad]

Well after a day of the post being up, and didn’t see it. She blocked me, and as usual a text to ask, or any rational, was viewed but not answered...

I am not sure what to think... it’s like the post hit a trigger,  i since removed the post. But really, a post of an event 4 years ago. I obviously mean something to her. No hate mail, no bugger off, just blocked.

I would be another casualty of her move and new job. I’m really not upset too much as I have been blocked, deleted, etc... by my BPD ex... with lots of venom, smear, and all around nastiness.  I hope she realizes based on my text, I don’t and didn’t deserve that. I think in some ways she thinks it saves her... she is very blunt and direct. But this I don’t get... I’m moving forward and dealing with my stuff. I had awesome ride today. Dealt with some head garbage and muscled it out... it hurt but by god the leg and lungs felt better than my hurting heart...

She will need to identify why she is so angry over a post, and also deal with her feelings. Push me... I’m still here... I know what I want. I am patient.

Time to unload... oh saw my ex wife (11yrs) and her little girl today... good conversation. She equated my ex BPD whom helped destroy our marriage, as my mom... very clear cut... I agree... I’m giving her daughter a bike my ex BPD kids had... it’s only fitting.

[heartandwhole]

I’m moving forward and dealing with my stuff. I had awesome ride today. Dealt with some head garbage and muscled it out... it hurt but by god the leg and lungs felt better than my hurting heart...

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself, Whoad. People do funky things to avoid dealing with feelings, or other people, or fill in the blank... .

I'm sorry that the situation is so painful. I have been there. 

How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

[Whoad]

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself, Whoad. People do funky things to avoid dealing with feelings, or other people, or fill in the blank... .

I'm sorry that the situation is so painful. I have been there. 

How are you feeling today?

heartandwhole

Been crying a lot. I miss my freind.

 So I went for Bike ride... 20 Miles mtn biking... and it’s been like that, I don’t understand why a Facebook post “tag” would make someone block a person... so wierd... I’m having to believe since she would not meet to give me the key, nor answer my text, but kept me as freind, till the 26th... she is hurting inside, and that little tag” feel. Set off major emotions so she blocked . Kinda severe, but she is focused on new job, move, and all the issues it presents, so ignoring me is what she needs to do... it’s a adhd thing... I hope...

Thank my new job starts in a 10 days... focus on new stuff...

[Whoad]

I have found or feel, that I am more emotional than I used to be. For years my job required me to be stoic, in demeanor, not let my feelings about much of anything show through. I learned to mask my feelings to protect myself and others. Except for those I was close to... I remember my boss, on a few occasions asking me, who ran over my dog... those days I would walk in the office just glum... I was never a smiler... when my BPDex walked in my life I was happier and for a lot of years the happiest I had ever been...

I don’t know why a movie, a song, a picture, a memory now just opens a faucet... it has not helped with overthinking... I have done less and less of that. But this last deal with my freind just bonkers my noggin.

I watched the movie 2:22 yesterday with the thought it was sci-fi... .wrong so wrong... blahhhhhh oh the feels... I cried so hard...

Have you folks  noticed whether you have become more emotional and empathetic. I feel this is happening to me.  It’s not a bad thing... but it is out of my norm...

[heartandwhole]

Right after my breakup, I did feel that I was more emotionally fragile than usual. I felt very sensitive and was quick to feel hurt, irritable, cry, etc.

It was tough on people around me, but it passed. This is grieving a loss, Whoad, and there isn't an express way through, in my experience.

Taking care of yourself by doing things you love, and focusing on new endeavors will help. 

Does your new job require less stoicism?

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Have you folks  noticed whether you have become more emotional and empathetic. I feel this is happening to me.  It’s not a bad thing... but it is out of my norm...

Yes!  This is what healing looks like.  I know it isn't easy but what you're going through sounds real and relatable.

What was it about 2:22 that got you?

[Whoad]

Yes!  This is what healing looks like.  I know it isn't easy but what you're going through sounds real and relatable.

What was it about 2:22 that got you?

Yes very much less stoicism... I do not have to be type “A personality” solving the community problems... etc...   I have been volunteering in my local neck of the woods, and a opportunity “albeit” 6 yrs earlier than my scheduled retirement allows me to go where I was planning to work when I retire... so it will more physical than mental, puzzle solving, being on call. Etc...

2:22 -  love, love lost due to deadly circumstances in the past that manifested to a rebirth of the relationship in the future and a happily ever after ... started out sci-fi then twisted stuff all up... I did like it though... doesn’t help I’m a spiritual person and becoming more so as I get older.

It’s good to know maybe this is a phase, I do not want lose the empathy and intuition...