Getting through an episode/just need support

[cblr237]

My boyfriend’s BPD isn’t too severe but when an episode happens I feel completely ripped apart inside. It makes me want to crawl inside myself and cease to exist for a while. I can’t talk to anyone IRL about it.

I’m 110% tired of second guessing every act I make and wondering if it’s going to trigger him. When he does get this way I absolutely cannot stop myself from feverishly wondering what I did wrong. Just now he had an episode. I am replaying the morning over and over and over, trying to figure out what I did or set him off. I know it’s pointless but I can’t help it. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I made him coffee, I rubbed his back, I put away his laundry. It’s like as soon as I sense him slipping into an episode I start doing more and more to try to pull him back but it’s useless. He’s already “decided”  to be upset and will do anything to “prove” that I deserve his childish rage.

I know by the end of the day or tomorrow he will apologize. But it’s whats going to happen between now and then that drains me completely of energy and will and happiness. I know the next 12-24 hours will be hell. He will pout, he will say “you don’t really love me”, he will attack me on every single thing that I may (or most likely haven’t) have done wrong in the past 6 months.  Basically he devolves into a small child.

I know he will get over it. I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Every time this happens I want to leave him. But when it’s over I can’t imagine him not in my life. My love for him and our happiness together the rest of the time gives me amnesia about his episodes. Still, most of the time I feel on edge even though I guess he has one of the less severe cases of the disorder. I feel like I’m “acting” a role a lot of the time. I can’t settle down and just be myself out of anxiety and fear.

What am I supposed to do to get through these episodes?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sparky5]

My boyfriend’s BPD isn’t too severe but when an episode happens I feel completely ripped apart inside. It makes me want to crawl inside myself and cease to exist for a while. I can’t talk to anyone IRL about it.

I’m 110% tired of second guessing every act I make and wondering if it’s going to trigger him. When he does get this way I absolutely cannot stop myself from feverishly wondering what I did wrong. Just now he had an episode. I am replaying the morning over and over and over, trying to figure out what I did or set him off. I know it’s pointless but I can’t help it. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I made him coffee, I rubbed his back, I put away his laundry. It’s like as soon as I sense him slipping into an episode I start doing more and more to try to pull him back but it’s useless. He’s already “decided”  to be upset and will do anything to “prove” that I deserve his childish rage.

I know by the end of the day or tomorrow he will apologize. But it’s whats going to happen between now and then that drains me completely of energy and will and happiness. I know the next 12-24 hours will be hell. He will pout, he will say “you don’t really love me”, he will attack me on every single thing that I may (or most likely haven’t) have done wrong in the past 6 months.  Basically he devolves into a small child.

I know he will get over it. I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Every time this happens I want to leave him. But when it’s over I can’t imagine him not in my life. My love for him and our happiness together the rest of the time gives me amnesia about his episodes. Still, most of the time I feel on edge even though I guess he has one of the less severe cases of the disorder. I feel like I’m “acting” a role a lot of the time. I can’t settle down and just be myself out of anxiety and fear.

What am I supposed to do to get through these episodes?

I feel your pain. Might I ask how long you have been in this relationship?
One thing you really need to understand is that without specialized help he is not going to improve. I know first hand what a bitter pill that is to swallow but it is the absolute truth. I have spent over ten years in a relationship with a borderline. I know what it's like to have to stifle myself out of abject fear of reprisal. Now, she's begun seeing someone else while still living in my home and blaming me for it. You need to understand the pathology. Go to gettinbetter.com and read the articles on borderlines. The author has been working with them exclusively for over twenty years. It will be an eye opener, trust me.
      What we need to understand is that there was something within us that drew us to a broken individual. We need to be able to embrace and process that reality in order to heal and be sure we don't make the same mistake again. I know walking away is tough and getting professional help would be a good idea. This isn't your fault and it's not fair for you to walk around on eggshells with a target on your back. How many times are you willing to fearfully, tearfully have your heart broken?

[pearlsw]

Hi cblr237,

One thing we like to be careful about here, and it's a rule in fact, is not offer stay or leave messages. We are all working our way through our own complicated issues and we mean to offer each other support. Also, while we hear a lot of similarities between our experiences, we also hear a lot of differences. I hear stories here that are quite different from mine. Not all people with BPD express it exactly the same, or have all the traits, and many people have more than one mental health issue, which adds more complication. There can be a lot of variety.

The more time you spend here you will hear stories of successes, and about reasons to have hope. It's not easy. Sometimes our relationships don't work out no matter how much love and attention we give them. But if you are up for it, there is a lot to read about and learn here and you may even find, as I have, that the tools here can help you whether you stay in this relationship or not in the long run.

The tools can be very effective if you study them, try them out, and keep at it. But even the best tools don't always make it possible to be with someone. I am in phase (over the next many months) of making a final decision whether I can go forward with my relationship or not, but I will never regret working with the tools. I hope I can keep getting better with them. You may discover, as many of us do, that it is really you who has to make the biggest changes.

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. I know about this amnesia thing you mentioned! Oh man, things can be horrible, then they get better and you think that is the new normal and it can be hard to know what's what.

[pearlsw]

Go to gettinbetter.com and read the articles on borderlines. The author has been working with them exclusively for over twenty years. It will be an eye opener, trust me.

Hi all, Just wanted to offer this review of Shari Schreiber who runs this site it seems:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.40

take care, pearl.

[cblr237]

I feel your pain. Might I ask how long you have been in this relationship?
One thing you really need to understand is that without specialized help he is not going to improve. I know first hand what a bitter pill that is to swallow but it is the absolute truth. I have spent over ten years in a relationship with a borderline. I know what it's like to have to stifle myself out of abject fear of reprisal. Now, she's begun seeing someone else while still living in my home and blaming me for it. You need to understand the pathology.
      What we need to understand is that there was something within us that drew us to a broken individual. We need to be able to embrace and process that reality in order to heal and be sure we don't make the same mistake again. I know walking away is tough and getting professional help would be a good idea. This isn't your fault and it's not fair for you to walk around on eggshells with a target on your back. How many times are you willing to fearfully, tearfully have your heart broken?

We have been together 3 years. I noticed the first time 2 years ago when he did something so ridiculously hurtful and childish that anyone in their right mind would’ve probably left at that point. Since then it’s been really good, and really bad, and not a lot of in between.

I don’t know what within me that drew me to a broken person. He’s got so many other issues besides BPD. He is open to getting help and I used that’s why I stick around. He is so sorry and self deprecating after every episode I just feel so horrible for him. Nothing else he did matters because I can tell how much he loves me.

Right now I’m just waiting for this to blow over and I’ll probably accept his apology and wait for the next episode. In the mean time I feel completely under his control. All my emotions and whether I get to have a good day is in his hands. I know that’s not right. I just can’t distance myself from his disease.

[Catlady3.14]

Right now I’m just waiting for this to blow over and I’ll probably accept his apology and wait for the next episode. In the mean time I feel completely under his control. All my emotions and whether I get to have a good day is in his hands. I know that’s not right. I just can’t distance myself from his disease.

I have been here so many times and find myself here often.
I m sorry you're going through this.
There are a lot of good people on this site that can give you support and guidance. When things are calm read as much as you can. To me when we are in an episode I can't concentrate on much else. When things are calm i can understand more and try to apply them next time.
It's a constant struggle and seems ever changing.
My heart goes out to you!

Doo you go to therapy?
My husband knows he needs therapy and even tells me he will go but doesn't go through with it, this just happened and has happened several times...
But if your SO is receptive to therapy and willing to go. Maybe talk with some of these more advanced members to talk you through help with that.
And take care of you.
I know it is hard. I struggle everyday to.

[cblr237]

Doo you go to therapy?
My husband knows he needs therapy and even tells me he will go but doesn't go through with it, this just happened and has happened several times...
But if your SO is receptive to therapy and willing to go. Maybe talk with some of these more advanced members to talk you through help with that.
And take care of you.
I know it is hard. I struggle everyday to.

I do not go to therapy but I would like to. I feel very uncomfortable with just starting the process and setting up an appointment. My boyfriend has a therapist but he doesn’t talk to her about this. He talks to her mainly about another issue he is going through. He wants to find a couples therapist but he always puts it off.

[Catlady3.14]

it takes ALOT to make that first step and then keep going step by step.
It took me a while. in fact I just had a first visit 2 weeks ago.
I have been worried that people would think I was "crazy" plus always been taught Not to talk about your problem especially with someone outside the family.
Sadly I look around and there's no family to be honest with and talk to.
I don't know if it will work out the way I hope but... .I'm hoping by putting myself into therapy it will make it an easier step for my husband.