Adult Daughter's Breakdowns vs. My Life/Plans

[BlueLilly]

Hi, I'm in my 40's and my daughter is in her mid 20's. She has had BPD for years now and I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago. I am in treatment and somewhat stable, living with the cancer.

She spirals frequently, has lost many friends and her relationships with other family members is strained because of her behavior. I was a young single mom so we have always been very close.

My friends are trying to help me achieve some of my dreams of traveling, even just overnight trips. But these trips definitely set my daughter off. She will get angry and I get the slew of texts calling me horrible names, begging for me to cancel and come be with her, saying she may as well be dead. I don't know how to handle it. I have tried acknowledging her feelings but she just gets angrier, nothing I say helps. I'm trying to set boundaries but I feel like I'm failing at that too.

I don't know how to live my life and enjoy what I want without feeling selfish and like a failure. I don't have time to sit around and wait for her to have a good day, it may never happen. My friend wants to take me to Europe but I know it would really upset my daughter because we always talked about going together but traveling with her is a nightmare.

Even right now I am feeling tortured because I have plans tonight and she asked me to come over earlier. I went but told her I have plans later and she screamed at me to leave. Now she is text bombing me about how she is unimportant and nobody cares. I've flaked on my friends before, even when we had hotels booked like tonight. It makes me feel horrible and angry and sad and I don't like giving up my life just to be yelled at. It doesn't change anything. She claims she is in crisis and she is, but she always is.

I'm sorry the post is long. I won't feel good if I go and I won't feel good if I don't. I feel sick.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

First of all, how wonderful that you have such good friendships.  Since you know that you daughter is always in crisis, it might help to accept this, turn off the phone and have your own life plans.  I believe that your guilt and canceling your own plans will only encourage her to continue the drama. 

[1hope]

BlueLilly,
It is so hard when you are in a position like that!  As parents, I think we struggle with what we think we should do.  After all, a "good parent" gives up things for their kids, right?  Which brings me to this: what do you do for YOUR wellbeing? 

Someone on here once said that there's a reason why they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first in the event of a flight emergency... .you can't help others if you don't take care of yourself.   
We know that our BPD children don't perceive things the way we do.  They see things in black and white.  They have abandonment issues.  Unfortunately we can't change that (although we all wish we could)!   All we can do is change the way we act/react. 

What if you go tonight, but reassure your daughter that you will see or talk to her tomorrow?  Let her know how much you love her, and explain that you need to see your friends for your wellbeing? 

We're all in the same boat, trying to navigate these choppy waters.  Please let us know how you're doing!

1hope