Winning as a survivor

Thanks for the kind words all.

@zachira - that's a big question. The brief answer is to start with a good relationship. I'm very fortunate with my wife, and our relationship has run without a fight (which I define as an angry voice answered by an angry voice) for going on 13 years. Offhand I can only thing of one time I've even seen her angry with me to begin with, and I can only think of one time I've been even seriously annoyed - both under tremendously high stress situations that would have devolved to screaming matches in some of my previous relationships.

A lot of this is down to our chemistry and way of being. A big part is choosing a woman who is smart, competent, resourceful, and attractive (yes, it counts!). With these basics covered, my approach is... .

1) If something is important to her, it's important to me. I take her concerns and desires seriously. She does the same.
2) Life is about setting priorities. She's my highest priority, but not my only priority.
3) Relentless honesty.
4) Accepting her various quirks, accepting my own, expecting the same in return.
5) Being supportive, and expecting support.
6) Assume positive intent - she's a smart, competent woman who loves me, so when something goes wrong it is not because she's stupid, incompetent or out to make my life miserable, it's because something has gone wrong.
7) Don't focus on fault, focus on fixing the problem.

One example is short daytrip we did to a family activity. It was my son's thing, and I had other stuff to do and would have rather done it, and also would rather have not spent the money. When she asked if I wanted to come, I said "Not really, but I will if you two would like me to." (Radical honesty). The did really want it to be a family thing so I went. (Important to me, important to her, and setting priorities)

She was driving, and the parking lot was jammed, which was frustrating, and the crowding is one reason I didn't want to come. We decided to turn around and find somewhere else. She's a very decisive driver, normally not a bad thing, however this time she decisively uturns the car onto the soft shoulder, which I can already see is not big enough. I'm yelling "Stop!" when the front wheel drops into the ditch with a sickening crunch. As I get out to assess the situation it starts raining.

The future as I see it now contains not doing the activity, me soaking wet and muddy trying to sort this out, probably a tow truck and car repair, hours of time wasted, a great deal of money down the drain, and I already didn't want to be here. With British understatement, I'll admit to being a little annoyed at this point.

I expressed this, a little, at the situation, not at her (radical honesty, simultaneously assuming positive intent, clearly she didn't intend to wreck my day like this.) Having done this I took a deep breath, went out to assess the situation. The car was on a big rock, well and truly hung up. Yeah. Maybe more than a little annoyed.

Long story short, I sent her and son off to do the activity while I handled the problem (being supportive, focusing on the problem, not the fault). The park guy came by and found a plank, and we jacked the car up to get it on the plank. I did get wet and muddy, and did a lot of cursing and swearing as we manhandled the car off the rock, and more when I found the underside dented. When my honey came back after setting son up to do his thing she was visibly contrite. "I'm sorry," she said.

I just gave her a big hug. "No sweat honey. Stuff happens. We deal with it. We're an awesome team."

She melted into my arms.

Note that this isn't just me sucking it up for her benefit. Sometimes when she asks something like this I'll say "Not my thing, but have a good time." "Love to do this honey, but can't because I have a higher priority right now." The key is "right now." She and son are the highest priorities overall, but not every time. And I get what I give. I've never taken the car off the road, but I get extremely task focused, and she is endlessly patient and supportive with the chaos I leave in my wake as I get stuff done. If we have a disagreement, we talk it out in terms of priorities and goals, agree on a solution, and make it work. Then there are the little touches, like the way I'll be working and coffee and pancakes will show up at my desk, with a smile and an affectionate kiss, like she was a 1950s housewife and not a highly successful career woman with a lot to get done. And without getting X-rated - we have a level passion more common in high-schools than middle-aged parents. Of course these positive things are built on a foundation described above.

Bottom line, when there's a problem you can either make it worse or make it better. It's better to make it better.

Read the books of John Gottman and David Buss, who research relationships. They have a lot of good info on how to do this.



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate