Elderly mother with BPD

[Finallysee]

It only took me 50+ years, but I finally started to see that my mother, who I've had up on a pedestal all my life, is far from the perfect, self-sacrificing saint that I always believed she was. It's like I've been under her spell most of my life, and so has my father. With a lot of therapy, I've been able to see her more clearly as someone who has BPD and who has inflicted a lot of misery on my father and me (I am an only child). The problem is, the more clearly I see her, and the more I try to distance myself and escape her influence, the more she rages, guilts, and carries on. And she also makes my father's life hell -- he is 80 years old, very loyal, and he will not leave her. My mother is 78 and has all kinds of health issues (both real and imagined). I can't turn my back on her, much less on my father. But I can't talk to her or be around her, either. It's like I have to choose between the horrible guilt that I feel when I'm avoiding her -- or the horrible unpleasantness of actually talking to her and interacting with her. (It's more than just unpleasant -- her criticisms, demands, complaints, etc., take a toll on me and are depression-inducing.) So what do I do?
 

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you as I am in a similar situation with my elderly mother, though I have two siblings who are borderlines like mom so it is a triple whammy. My father is deceased and put up with all kinds of abuse from mom though he was always kind to her. I too would like to treat mom better, yet I cannot stand the abuse anymore and I feel guilty about avoiding her. With time and awareness you will find what works best for you, though there will always be pain and sorrow about having a mother treat you so badly, and it is especially painful to see your father mistreated. What is starting to work best for me, is building my self esteem through surrounding myself with people who treat me with respect and kindness, and doing the things I love the best. I am still working on not getting upset when mom and my siblings mistreat me. It is a much bigger challenge to be forgiving when mom mistreats others. Borderlines project onto others their uncomfortable feelings about themselves. Fending off these projections requires a lot of ego strength, and no matter how good our self esteem is sometimes it just plain hurts, and we can feel really angry, and want to avoid being around this type of person. I limit my interactions with mom and my siblings, and I try to have others around when I have to interact with them, as borderlines often tend to be on their best behavior when around strangers. I too had my mother on a pedestal for many years, and I sometimes wish I didn't discover the truth. I have only known that my mother and siblings were borderlines since December 2017 when I started participating on this Board. It seems my growing awareness that their behaviors are not acceptable has considerably accelerated their mistreating me. It is a long and painful journey, yet I am finding great solace in knowing the truth and starting to feel more interior peace. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help. There are many people on this Board in similar situations to yours. We care and want to know how you are doing.

[Finallysee]

I think I have a deeply ingrained belief that I shouldn't be happy if my BPD mother is unhappy. It's unseemly, somehow, that I be joyful when she is suffering. I think that is fundamentally how my mother raised me, and it is so, so hard to overcome that way of thinking and feeling.

My mother is very good at communicating her unhappiness to everyone around her -- and somehow others (especially me) are expected to either (i) make her happy, or (ii) match her depressed mood. Make her happy is what I've tried to do all my life, but it is a no-win situation -- I can never do enough, and whenever I manage to do something that pleases her, her feelings of happiness are very short-lived. So my default, of course, is to be depressed right along with her -- I have done a lot of that too all my life (it is easy to be depressed around my mother, since she is so negative and judgmental -- and she is always right, there's no arguing with her).

Only in the last 2-3 years have I been actively avoiding her. At first, I started doing it subconsciously, but now I'm much more aware and I own the fact that I am avoiding interaction with her (that doesn't relieve me of the guilt, however). It's become a downward spiral, where the more I avoid her, the angrier and more toxic she gets; the worse she gets, the more I avoid her -- and so on. At least three times now, she has confronted me -- horrific scenes where she alternates crying and raging, pleading and threatening. When it happens it always catches me by surprise, and I go into a state of shock, wanting to defend myself from her criticisms but barely able to talk. It feels almost like a physical attack.

After one really bad episode, we didn't speak (directly) for almost 6 months. She actually let herself into my house and burst into my bedroom in the middle of the day, while I was on a business call (I work from home), and just lit into me. Those 6 months were horrible -- I am her only child, my two children are her only grandchildren, and we live only 5 miles from each other -- it was extremely tense and awkward for the whole family. Eventually she backed off somewhat, and we resumed contact mainly for the sake of my father (who lives with her and is caught in the middle), my husband who is also caught in the middle, and my two kids age 11 and 13 who can't make sense of any of this.

But still, from time to time, when she senses that my guard is down, she tries to go on the attack again. It all starts innocently enough, and before I know it, an ordinary conversation turns into this big emotional confrontation (she confronts me with all her stored grievances). I know that she expects me to apologize to her, but I don't know what I should apologize for (not making her happy? not being attentive and adoring enough?).  These exchanges leave me reeling, and feeling extremely low. But I think it provides some sort of catharsis or relief for her. It also feeds right into her martyr/victim complex, which is the most important part of her self-image (she has sacrificed so much, suffered so much, and after all that, I, her only daughter, her life's work, is -- what? not grateful enough, I suppose).

I don't know what to do, other than carry on with this terrible pattern indefinitely. Attack, withdraw, approach, attack, withdraw . . . . I wish that I could get to a place where I finally just accept who she is and what she does (and not expect or hope for anything different), absolve myself of guilt, and allow myself to be happy despite the fact that she is always so unhappy. How do I get to that place of detachment, when my mother desperately tries to keep me attached? And how do I get rid of all the layers of guilt that she has planted in me throughout my whole life? I think that if I could convince myself -- really and truly come to believe -- that it's okay for me to have joy and happiness regardless of what is happening with my mother, then all the things that I do to try to have a happy life would actually have a chance of working. But until I change that fundamental belief, I will continue to undermine my own happiness, because I don't believe that I should have it.

That's really the bottom line. How do I come to believe that it's okay to be happy even if my mother is not? Is that even a true statement? Wouldn't that be turning my back on my mother, abandoning her, leaving her behind? And what kind of person does that make me?

[Panda39]

Hi Finallysee,

Welcome! 

It is not "selfish" to be happy.  If anyone is selfish here it is your mother putting the burden of her happiness on you. 

You are not responsible for your mother's feelings or emotions and you cannot control her feelings, emotions, actions, or behaviors.  She is responsible for herself she is an adult. You are responsible for yourself and she is responsible for herself.  Often when you are raised by a BPD parent you can learn behaviors that are dysfunctional and this is one of those. 

People with BPD will often use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to get us to react the way they want us to.  Do you think FOG is being used in terms of making her happiness your job?

More on FOG…
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I also wanted to share the following article about family dynamics that you might also find helpful…
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

Do what is best for you!  It is okay to put yourself first.

Panda39

[Finallysee]

Thank you zachira and Panda39,
The article about family systems was very helpful. I definitely grew up in a covert narcissistic family. Everything was always about my mother, and still is. Somehow, my father and I completely bought into the idea that my mother suffered a lot in life, through no fault of her own, and so we must try hard to make her happy. And also, that she is some sort of saint that we both had to worship. My father was always her slave and scapegoat -- and I was her golden child who was living her life for her and achieving all she wanted to achieve for herself. My life was not really mine -- it was hers. That's how it was for almost 50 years. But then I had a family of my own, and I started therapy and worked on my own issues, and eventually saw my mother for what she really is. So I stopped worshipping her and made efforts to un-mesh myself. That has made her increasingly desperate. Her golden child somehow turned into this selfish, cold person that doesn't share her life with her (although I do -- just not to the degree she expects). My father at first resisted everything, backed my mother, and applied pressure on me to comply. But my mother's abuse of my father reached such levels that even his eyes were opened. My father and I are now on the same page (which is a huge relief for me), but you can imagine that that makes my mother even more rabid.
Zachira mentions developing my own ego strength -- and I know that's what I have to do. It's hard, though, when your ego was never allowed to be formed to begin with. The message was that it was wrong for me to have an ego, or be my own person, really. The worst insult that my mother could hurl at me is that I'm "selfish". I grew up believing that selfishness is the worst quality a person could have. Now I have to learn healthy selfishness, and as it turns out, it's not so easy.

[Panda39]

So I stopped worshipping her and made efforts to un-mesh myself. That has made her increasingly desperate. Her golden child somehow turned into this selfish, cold person that doesn't share her life with her (although I do -- just not to the degree she expects). My father at first resisted everything, backed my mother, and applied pressure on me to comply. But my mother's abuse of my father reached such levels that even his eyes were opened. My father and I are now on the same page (which is a huge relief for me), but you can imagine that that makes my mother even more rabid.

I am a firm believer in understanding the dynamics that are going on I think it helps to take things less personally so they are less painful.

I wanted to share information on the "Extinction Burst" they happen around us creating boundaries... .

Extinction Burst
The phenomenon of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

To me an Extinction Burst is like a tantrum.

My little boundaries analogy... .

You take a little kid to the store and he wants candy and you say no, the little kid starts to pout (escalating up). The little kid asks again and you say no and the kid starts to whine (escalating up more).  The little kid whines that he wants candy and you say no and he has a full on tantrum (extinction burst).  If you back down and give the kid the candy you have just taught that kid what they need to do to get what they want.  If you continue to say no the kid finally gets the message that they will not get any candy.  But also be aware that the little kid will likely test the boundary again the next time you go to the store.

You have been taking care of yourself and creating boundaries to protect yourself... .you are changing the usual dynamic, you aren't dancing to your mom's tune.  So just like the kid above your mom will gradually add more pressure FOG will be blowing thick and heavy and if you maintain your boundaries (which you should  ) she will escalate until she gives up.

I know this is simplistic and the pressure can be miserable but it is important that you enforce your boundaries... .important for you to get what you need (which is not selfish  and important to teach your mom what you will and won't accept from her.

Panda39

[zachira]

I respect your courage to do what you have to do to become your own person who is not so affected by your mother's unfair attacks to keep you from becoming a separate person emotionally from her. It is wonderful that your father finally sees your mother for who she is and is supporting you. Being called selfish when you have given so much is a common attack strategy that borderlines use. I was deeply depressed after my brother told me I never do anything for anyone and every thing I do is self serving. This was after I came for Christmas 2016, flew across the county, decorated the house for Christmas, organized all the Christmas celebrations for the family, etc. This past Christmas 2017 my brother made it plain that I was unwelcome to come for Christmas. Indeed it is your mother that is selfish not you, and it is so hard to be the receptacle of feelings she projects onto you because she cannot handle them as her own. I too have had the bizarre accusations mount, as I limit my contact with mom. You have a wonderful husband, children, and a life apart from your mom. Time will heal much of the hurt, as you are going to keep getting better at owning your feelings and not allowing your mom to dump on you. You posts are always welcome here, and we care how you are doing. 

[Penny123]

Hello Finallysee, I'm sorry about all what you have gone through and are still going through with your Mom. It's sounds similar to my BPDMom. She told me one time she could never truly be happy and I believe her. She suffers from depression and anxiety as well. Life in her mind is very hard and exhausting. However, sometimes happiness has to be a choice and I've chosen to be happy. It's hard at times but I make it a conscious choice.

[cedarview]

Hi Finallysee,

Your situation is very similar to my own. I am a happily married Dad to three beautiful kids and my mother is undiagnosed BPD and has been for most of my life. My parents live very close to us (only a few miles) and my mother was very involved with helping to care for our kids up until 8 months ago or so when her BPD went out of control and she became too erratic and unpredictable in her behavior. Unfortunately my father has narcissistic tendencies and who knows what else from dealing with my mother for so many years. I am also an only child.

When my wife and I started putting up boundaries and taking our lives back, my mother went off the deep end. She accused me of terrible things and then switched on a dime to asking me to remember when I was a little kid and called her "mommy". True emotional blackmail. My father and I both thought my mother would take her own life but she didn't. Those were very hard days and they were tough to get through because I felt GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY about trying to live my life apart from her. Unlike in your situation, my father has ended up taking my mother's side and they are silent treating us for months and months.

I write all of this because I want to let you know that you can and will get better. You have a supportive husband and that is really important because you both need to be on the same page. My kids are younger than yours, but my wife and I have been very straightforward to them with the facts and they have been able to accept and understand explanations appropriate for their level. It seems like BPD often gets wrapped in layers of secrets with hiding symptoms, refusing any professional help, raging at people who try to help, etc. So we are trying to stop that and be out in the open. It makes life more simple!

I still felt bad that we did not see or communicate with my parents at Easter. I will feel bad that the same thing will happen at Mother's Day and also at her birthday. We have offered to go to family counseling and she declined. Therefore the ball is in her court. Every day that goes by we feel stronger and more comfortable in our decision to go NC (no contact). It is not a punishment, it is a gift to yourself and your family because it gives you time to establish a normal life.

Hang in there!

[Turkish]

my wife and I have been very straightforward to them with the facts and they have been able to accept and understand explanations appropriate for their level.

I like what cedarview said here.  I channel Mr. Spock when dealing with difficult people: terse, logical. It's also important to realize what I highlighted,  and it reminds me of what my T said about my ex: "she's limited." Not all hills are worth dying upon.  

You seem to be really struggling with feeling responsible for your mother's feelings Finallysee. I still question whether I experienced this,  but being Parentified for sure.  :)oes this seem familiar?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

[madeline7]

Hi Finally See and welcome. I too have an elderly Mom with uBPD who was widowed a few years ago and now the dynamics have changed for the worse. This has put me in an accelerated course in healing and counseling and finally seeing things for what they are and finally talking care of ME. I am still struggling with feelings of guilt, but they are lessening with the realization that my Mom is depressed and mentally ill and I can not save her. When I was giving birth to my first child many years ago, she raged at me during active labor. When I brought her several treats at the hospital after she broke her hip, instead of saying thank you, she said she must have been a good mother, must have done something right. These are 2 examples, one extreme and one superficial, where her narcissistic nature is on full display. When I start to feel the FOG roll in, I remember these awful events as a way to remind myself she is toxic and only cares for herself. She does not have the capacity to love in an unconditional manor the way a Mom is supposed to love her children. This is especially hard as Mother's Day approaches, but I am so much stronger with the support of my husband, children, close friends and this amazing board. Keep up the good work!