It feels like quicksand

[Local_Boogeyman]

I've been lurking these boards for some time now, quietly relating, sympathizing, empathizing, and soaking in the advice and experience of everyone else. I think maybe the "quiet" portion of my stay is should be over.

My dBPDw has relapsed to her pre-DBT ways and it's on me to be the verbal and emotional punching bag (I try not to, but my own issues get the better of me), the singular source of emotional support, and the buffer between BPD and my kids. Couple that with extreme financial stress (due to BPDw), job stress, parenthood, and my own mental conditions, I'm a ticking time bomb. I've read the BPD recommended books and attend therapy myself, but sometimes I feel like it's not enough. I've done my share of, what I now know as, negative reactions to BPD behavior. I still have moments of weakness and slip into JADEing. It's so hard not to when you're frustrated, angry, and don't feel as if you're being heard.

There's chaos and catastrophe daily, the more I fight against it (if I don't pick up the pieces, no one will, and my children suffer.) the more I emotionally and mentally sink, like quicksand. When I don't fight it, I feel as if I'm already neck deep, go into panic mode, fight, and here we go again.

I can never do anything right and any support I give, is the wrong kind. This morning, on the way to work, wife calls me and tells me the babysitter is not coming again today, so wife cannot do the things she needed to do and she is not in a good mental place to parent the children. I offer solutions to the problems she's posing, and we wind up in a fight because she "wasn't looking for solutions. I can figure out solutions. I need support." We hang up and I receive a text a short time later telling me again, she was hoping for emotional support. I replied, that I viewed the situation practically when I should have looked at emotionally, and I apologized. She replied that she's tired of those responses and she can't live like this, etc. I reiterated that I didn't give her what she needed and apologized again. She came back with an angry all capped  message that I still wasn't giving her what she needed. I replied that I was merely responding to her complaints. I then gave her some encouraging words to maybe quell the hostility, I then received the reply of "Shove it". And I left it at that. I haven't spoken or texted since. That's a hard way to start the day, at 6:45 in the morning on the way to work. It really sets the tone for the day.

Whenever these kinds of things come up, when I give emotional support, she wanted solutions. When I give solutions, she wanted emotional support. It's a complete guessing game with no right answer. It's constant and it's exhausting. Now it's Friday afternoon, after a very long work week, and I'm absolutely dreading tonight and the weekend, as these kinds of flareups have a habit of lingering and fuel up over time.   

       

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[Mutt]

Hi Local_Boogeyman,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily I'm sorry that you're going through this I'm glad that you decided to join us after having lurked on the site for awhile.

I then gave her some encouraging words to maybe quell the hostility, I then received the reply of "Shove it". And I left it at that. I haven't spoken or texted since. That's a hard way to start the day, at 6:45 in the morning on the way to work. It really sets the tone for the day.

You already know about JADE it's normal to feel frustrated. Walking on eggshells first thing in the morning is not fun. We have still take care of the kids regardless of how we're feeling a pwBPD doesn't cope well with stress how old are the kids?

[Local_Boogeyman]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for your reply, apologies for my late one.

I have a 6 and 3 year old. They have very different personalities, but are absolutely the best of friends and do everything together. And with that, I've noticed during periods of dBPDw's dysregulation, they lean on each other for support. An idea, I'm uneasy about. A sensitive 6 year old should bear the burden of strength for his 3 year old brother, and vice versa. I grew up with very strong feelings of isolation from my parents, so I'm very sensitive to those things with my kids. I try very hard to 

It's just that being the shield between BPD and my kids, and my family to be honest, leaves me hurt and exhausted. Like all parents, there's nothing I wouldn't do for my kids, but the toll it takes is real. That trickle down from arguments and verbal needling stemming from the disregulation, into a stressful job making it harder and putting me in a worse state of mind, and taking that home and into the lions mouth (so to speak) again. It's an awful cycle, and I definitely feel as if I'm breaking down because of it.   

[pearlsw]

Hi LocalBoogeyman,

Just want to quickly jump on here and ask if you have ever tried meditation as a regular practice? It's free! And it can work wonders. I've used it both times in life I've had relationships with partners who are more difficult than typical and it helped tremendously.

Are you consistent in your self-care? Doing any at all?   What brings you the most happiness in life?

with compassion, pearl.