After 44 yrs of abuse, I have finally figured out my father has BPD & NPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Why did it take so long for me to finally get answers to my dads abusive behavior? I always knew part of it stemmed from the horrible abuse he went through as a child growing up in foster homes. BUT I always wondered why I was the only child out of 3 of us girls, that he physically/ emotionally/ and verbally abused on a constant basis since I first have memories of it at age 2 till I was 20. My other two younger sisters could do no wrong!

He fixated on me, partly because he once told me that I reflect all of the character flaws he has and he hates seeing those in me! He also told me before that my personality reminded him of the sister he hated the most growing up, his sister Mary.

He ruined my life... .made me terrified of men... .not trust them including him with my safety or vulnerability emotionally. I to this day at age 44 am still scared of him... .not that he can hurt me physically anymore but the emotional pain goes ten times deeper and has built up resentment and anger that would manifest itself within me... .turning to drugs and alcohol to numb that massive amount of deep rooted pain that I still live with and experience in my nightmares... .where Im fighting for my life with him.

I sobered up in 2008... .part of my life in sobriety was to find a place in my heart where I could finally 'let go' of so much of that pent up pain and fear that would come out as anger when the alcohol would lower my inhibitions and I could no longer control it from unleashing that beast. I had to try and find a place in my heart that could try and make sense of what I consider borderline criminal... .especially since I have children (now teens) but I can't even imagine hurting my kids like he did me... .the incredible guilt, shame, sickness in my stomach at thinking of beating my babies like he did me... .makes it so hard to fully let go of it all. Especially since I wasn't vindictive or decide to keep my kids away from him and getting to know their grandparents because he doesnt treat them like he did me... .or he does treat me.

He has no respect or love for me what-so-ever. In fact the very words, "I don't think I love you as much as I used too!" That he said to me face in one of his rages at me for "failing" to make enough money at both my jobs in LA when I moved down there at age 20 to afford to live which made me have to move back up to Northern California and back in with my parents temporarily within a month of moving down there... .and failing to "make it" down there on my own.

I tried... .I hated the fact I had no place to go but back under his roof and back under his extreme controlling overly domineering abusive ways of dealing with me. He said that to me a week after I came back and I finally lost it... .I figured well he finally said exactly what his behavior has said for years... .that he doesnt love me like a daughter or like my other siblings... .and now he's said it out loud and to my face. He never mixed words what he said, he always meant.

I packed up what little I had in my car and left home and moved in temporarily with friends and moved around with no place to really go or security... .I was so naive and he had left me so broken. I still have not come to grips entirely with all of what happened to me growing up... .if I start to dwell too much on it I get so angry and hateful inside of him. And then I feel like Im no better than he is! But NOW I finally have a duel diagnosis for him... .and every bit of research I have done on both mental disorders he has... .makes perfect sense and symptoms fit him to a T.

My youngest sister also deals with both disorders, she is exactly like he is except a female version and has destroyed her close relationship with my other sister... .but her and my dad are close... .she can do no wrong. Its sick! I was diagnosed with Adult ADD 12 years ago and it explained a lot of why I was so different and why I never could relate to the rest of my family... .and most ppl around me as well unless they also had ADHD/ADD.

I have had to completely avoid all association or contact with my dad except at church... .even then Im on the other side of the building surrounding myself with ppl who care and love me just the way I am... .not hold me to some extreme standard set for themselves that they can never even meet (my parents)... .or otherwise Im just not good enough. Ive never been good enough for either of them... .despite my father being a fully blown out alcoholic by the time I was age 9 until 3 years ago when he got Type 1 Diabetes from 30 years of drinking.

I changed after 13 yrs... .he didnt... .I didnt continue that cycle of abuse with my kids by raising them the way he raised me... .in fear... intimidation... .and pain. Instead I did the opposite of everything they both did parenting me... .with my kids. My kids are respectful, decent, loving, affectionate, talented, amazing young people! So I guess there is something that came out of all that mess I grew up with... .I learned how to be a much better parent... .and mother to my own children!

Just out of curiosity... .anyone else have a similar experience? How do I change the way I feel towards my dad when its involuntary... .fear... .panic when Im in his presence? How can I communicate with him in a way that is effective but also not allow him to abuse me anymore in anyway even if its just a nasty glare... .or a slight verbally... .etc?

I spent many years avoiding him but since he got sober I have unconsciously tried to win his favor with kindness and respect... .and even trying to help him out with working around the yard and their house as a good gesture. Its always met with some sort of contempt tho... .whether its verbalized at the time or my mother makes sure to tell me later on what he said.

I've tried so many times and so many years since I got sober to try and build some sort of bridge or anything at all with my dad even though deep down I don't really want to... .I push myself to be the better person and live by my choice to try and let go and forgive without ever having my pain validated or anything he did to me... .recognized or owned.

He denies it all... .and accuses me of playing the victim and recalling events with melodramatic details... .which is absolutely false! I recall the events every single negative traumatic one growing up vividly in my mind... .its something you never forget.

He however was drunk or drinking usually and I don't know how much he really remembers or not... .but the who lack of empathy or connection with me as his child... .as in love... .like how I love my children... .that lack of any feeling at all except hatred or anger... .at me my whole life... .is so confusing and disgusting to me! It makes my stomach feel in knots... .and actually ill when I think that my dad can bruise up my back and legs and arms as a 2 yr old without ever feeling remorse or regret!

My own mother relates the story like its normal with no emotion as well... .she told me that I was standing on the beach in my two piece yellow swimsuit at 2 yrs old and shook her head at all the bruises on my back down to the backs of my legs... .and told me that the only thing that would get through to me as a kid was spankings with the belt daily! This came out as I was asking her for advice on how to get my daughter who was 2 at the time, to sleep in her own bed without crying from anxiety separation. I could not believe my ears... .and will never forget those words she told me... .thus the story of my life!

How do truly learn to forgive a man who has taught me to feel nothing for him at all except hate and anger and resentment by a lifetime of abuse? I want to fully truly finally FINALLY let go of it all... .now that I know its mental illness that caused much of it to happen. Can anyone give me some good advice on how they might have reached this point with their own parent with BPD?

[DaddyDearest]

Why did it take so long for me to finally get answers to my dads abusive behavior? I always knew part of it stemmed from the horrible abuse he went through as a child growing up in foster homes. BUT I always wondered why I was the only child out of 3 of us girls, that he physically/ emotionally/ and verbally abused on a constant basis since I first have memories of it at age 2 till I was 20. My other two younger sisters could do no wrong!

He fixated on me, partly because he once told me that I reflect all of the character flaws he has and he hates seeing those in me! He also told me before that my personality reminded him of the sister he hated the most growing up, his sister Mary.

He ruined my life... .made me terrified of men... .not trust them including him with my safety or vulnerability emotionally. I to this day at age 44 am still scared of him... .not that he can hurt me physically anymore but the emotional pain goes ten times deeper and has built up resentment and anger that would manifest itself within me... .turning to drugs and alcohol to numb that massive amount of deep rooted pain that I still live with and experience in my nightmares... .where Im fighting for my life with him.

I sobered up in 2008... .part of my life in sobriety was to find a place in my heart where I could finally 'let go' of so much of that pent up pain and fear that would come out as anger when the alcohol would lower my inhibitions and I could no longer control it from unleashing that beast. I had to try and find a place in my heart that could try and make sense of what I consider borderline criminal... .especially since I have children (now teens) but I can't even imagine hurting my kids like he did me... .the incredible guilt, shame, sickness in my stomach at thinking of beating my babies like he did me... .makes it so hard to fully let go of it all. Especially since I wasn't vindictive or decide to keep my kids away from him and getting to know their grandparents because he doesnt treat them like he did me... .or he does treat me.

He has no respect or love for me what-so-ever. In fact the very words, "I don't think I love you as much as I used too!" That he said to me face in one of his rages at me for "failing" to make enough money at both my jobs in LA when I moved down there at age 20 to afford to live which made me have to move back up to Northern California and back in with my parents temporarily within a month of moving down there... .and failing to "make it" down there on my own.

I tried... .I hated the fact I had no place to go but back under his roof and back under his extreme controlling overly domineering abusive ways of dealing with me. He said that to me a week after I came back and I finally lost it... .I figured well he finally said exactly what his behavior has said for years... .that he doesnt love me like a daughter or like my other siblings... .and now he's said it out loud and to my face. He never mixed words what he said, he always meant.

I packed up what little I had in my car and left home and moved in temporarily with friends and moved around with no place to really go or security... .I was so naive and he had left me so broken. I still have not come to grips entirely with all of what happened to me growing up... .if I start to dwell too much on it I get so angry and hateful inside of him. And then I feel like Im no better than he is! But NOW I finally have a duel diagnosis for him... .and every bit of research I have done on both mental disorders he has... .makes perfect sense and symptoms fit him to a T.

My youngest sister also deals with both disorders, she is exactly like he is except a female version and has destroyed her close relationship with my other sister... .but her and my dad are close... .she can do no wrong. Its sick! I was diagnosed with Adult ADD 12 years ago and it explained a lot of why I was so different and why I never could relate to the rest of my family... .and most ppl around me as well unless they also had ADHD/ADD.

I have had to completely avoid all association or contact with my dad except at church... .even then Im on the other side of the building surrounding myself with ppl who care and love me just the way I am... .not hold me to some extreme standard set for themselves that they can never even meet (my parents)... .or otherwise Im just not good enough. Ive never been good enough for either of them... .despite my father being a fully blown out alcoholic by the time I was age 9 until 3 years ago when he got Type 1 Diabetes from 30 years of drinking.

I changed after 13 yrs... .he didnt... .I didnt continue that cycle of abuse with my kids by raising them the way he raised me... .in fear... intimidation... .and pain. Instead I did the opposite of everything they both did parenting me... .with my kids. My kids are respectful, decent, loving, affectionate, talented, amazing young people! So I guess there is something that came out of all that mess I grew up with... .I learned how to be a much better parent... .and mother to my own children!

Just out of curiosity... .anyone else have a similar experience? How do I change the way I feel towards my dad when its involuntary... .fear... .panic when Im in his presence? How can I communicate with him in a way that is effective but also not allow him to abuse me anymore in anyway even if its just a nasty glare... .or a slight verbally... .etc?

I spent many years avoiding him but since he got sober I have unconsciously tried to win his favor with kindness and respect... .and even trying to help him out with working around the yard and their house as a good gesture. Its always met with some sort of contempt tho... .whether its verbalized at the time or my mother makes sure to tell me later on what he said.

I've tried so many times and so many years since I got sober to try and build some sort of bridge or anything at all with my dad even though deep down I don't really want to... .I push myself to be the better person and live by my choice to try and let go and forgive without ever having my pain validated or anything he did to me... .recognized or owned.

He denies it all... .and accuses me of playing the victim and recalling events with melodramatic details... .which is absolutely false! I recall the events every single negative traumatic one growing up vividly in my mind... .its something you never forget.

He however was drunk or drinking usually and I don't know how much he really remembers or not... .but the who lack of empathy or connection with me as his child... .as in love... .like how I love my children... .that lack of any feeling at all except hatred or anger... .at me my whole life... .is so confusing and disgusting to me! It makes my stomach feel in knots... .and actually ill when I think that my dad can bruise up my back and legs and arms as a 2 yr old without ever feeling remorse or regret!

My own mother relates the story like its normal with no emotion as well... .she told me that I was standing on the beach in my two piece yellow swimsuit at 2 yrs old and shook her head at all the bruises on my back down to the backs of my legs... .and told me that the only thing that would get through to me as a kid was spankings with the belt daily! This came out as I was asking her for advice on how to get my daughter who was 2 at the time, to sleep in her own bed without crying from anxiety separation. I could not believe my ears... .and will never forget those words she told me... .thus the story of my life!

How do truly learn to forgive a man who has taught me to feel nothing for him at all except hate and anger and resentment by a lifetime of abuse? I want to fully truly finally FINALLY let go of it all... .now that I know its mental illness that caused much of it to happen. Can anyone give me some good advice on how they might have reached this point with their own parent with BPD?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi DaddyDearest, 

Welcome to our online family. Thank you for sharing your first post with us. You have much pain and heartache in your life, and I am so very sorry. Yet I am glad that you want to heal and move on. 

A few questions for you. Are you seeing a T to help you through this tough stuff? Are there any books you've read about BPD that have been helpful to you? I'll be glad to share a few of my favorites with you if you'd like.

For starters, we have a great list on the right hand side of our board ----->> >> Anything you click on will open up into a larger window. Where do you think you are on the list? We are all in a different place, and the list isn't necessarily linear. Sometimes I go up and backwards all at the same time, but the general progress is good.   

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

How do you forgive your dad for being so emotionally and physically abusive (while your mother enabled it)? You may have to do so without any acknowledgment by him. That is,  for yourself. 

It's interesting that he admitted to projection. That is about him,  not you.  His inability to own his emotions because he lacks the emotional fortitude to deal with them. 

He fixated on me, partly because he once told me that I reflect all of the character flaws he has and he hates seeing those in me!

Projection

In this workshop we wanted to talk about "Projection".  What is it? Why do BP's do it?  How does it affect NONs?  And, how do we deal with it?

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger

Some adults who enter into relationships with borderlines feel brainwashed by the BP's accusations and criticisms. The techniques of brainwashing are simple: isolate the victim, expose them to inconsistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well. ~ Elyce M. Benham, M.S.

I look forward to hearing from you all.

Skippy