That Knot at the End of My Rope is Coming Undone

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am the only adopted child of a mother who's view of children was always they should "be seen and not heard". She always gets what she wants, and I'm convinced she just bought a kid because her friends had them and she couldn't. She had no use for me other than child labor, as long as she had a man. She's been through 3 now, and at age 80, says I'm "all she has left" like I'm the consolation prize or something. She wants to be up my behind now 24/7... .something I can't deal with. My husband and I have rearranged our lives 4 or 5 times now since 2007 to help her, and it never works out. The latest "crisis" came when she ended up in the hospital last fall and a caseworker cornered my husband and I to tell us she "couldn't be alone anymore" at her current residence. Since they gave us no other options and we felt guilty, we told her she could come live with us but we needed time to pack all her stuff (she hoards) and rent a U-Haul. The lady said no problem-we're sending her to rehab for 2 weeks. The next day as I'm packing all mother's stuff, we get a call saying mother is being discharged from the hospital because insurance denied the rehab. I begged for one more day. My husband and I pulled an all-nighter to get her stuff loaded, brought to our house in a neighboring state, and unpacked/setup for her. We did all the labor ourselves.

While she was with us, I had to move all her accounts, obtain new doctors, change her insurance to our state, etc, but she repaid me by telling her friends that I was "mean, wouldn't let her drive (that was dr.'s orders!), and she's forced to stay in her room", which was NOT true at all. She was out in our space from sunup til we went to bed at night! Home health was coming but she didn't like the people. She complained that her old senior center was "boring" so I drove her to ours twice to get a tour and schedule of events, which was a lot of activities, but she refused to go. She wrote a suicide note and when I took her to the hospital she talked her way back home the next day. Every time she made a suicidal comment I'd call her doctors, her outpatient psych place, the home health, anybody who'd listen to try to get some help. But every time I was met with, "Well... .if she doesn't tell us she's going to hurt herself, there's nothing we can do."

After all that, she got mad at me for trying to get help and went behind our backs and signed a lease on a dumpy apartment back in the place we just moved her from. So we had to get another truck and move her again! Since she's been back, I have people calling me all the time about how "depressed and lonely" she is. We go back and forth every weekend to check on her. She now wants to come back here and because we told her no, she's stepping up her game by scheduling medical procedures that require someone be with her 24/7 until she's mobile again. Upcoming is a knee replacement. I cannot go until the weekends because when she was living with us, I sold my older model vehicle so she could have the garage space, plus I was using her car to take her to doctors etc while she was here. I also gave up a job to take care of her. But when she moved back, I'm stuck now with no transportation or job (while she keeps driving against doctor's orders). Of course she's mad because I can't come and told the doctor when he asked about post-op arrangements, that she was coming back to live with us! I called the doctor and told him no, she wasn't. I told him she would be going back to her apartment alone, and did they have anywhere they could send her for rehab after until she was able to return home. He said yes. When I told her this, she got mad and said "I don't know about that! I can't keep doing all this stuff because it's putting me in a higher insurance tier and then I'll have to start paying out of my own pocket and I'm not going to have any money left!" And as soon as we hung up, she called both her insurance and the doctor (I do her bills so I saw the call log) to sabotage my efforts again at getting her the care she needs.

I'm at my wits end. She cannot handle living alone, but she refuses to go back to assisted living where she was once. She has money to go for 2-4 years, but says she "can't afford it". Even if she agrees finally, what happens when her money runs out? I've tried calling her social worker for help and advice but he doesn't return my calls. She refuses psych care-her doctor tried to set her up with outpatient again but she won't go. Insurance always denies attempts at getting her somewhere for a week or so. I try and try to get help yet all the while her "friends" keep calling me and expecting us to move her back in here and she reinforces their beliefs that we do nothing for her with her lies and complaints. She wants attention constantly, is manipulative, and is the neediest person I've ever met. I give all I can but it's never good enough. I'm slap wore out, depressed myself, and hopeless about having any kind of life for myself. Sorry this has been so long; guess I needed to vent. Thanks to any out there who have read this and can offer any advice.   

[BlueRidgeGal]

I am the only adopted child of a mother who's view of children was always they should "be seen and not heard". She always gets what she wants, and I'm convinced she just bought a kid because her friends had them and she couldn't. She had no use for me other than child labor, as long as she had a man. She's been through 3 now, and at age 80, says I'm "all she has left" like I'm the consolation prize or something. She wants to be up my behind now 24/7... .something I can't deal with. My husband and I have rearranged our lives 4 or 5 times now since 2007 to help her, and it never works out. The latest "crisis" came when she ended up in the hospital last fall and a caseworker cornered my husband and I to tell us she "couldn't be alone anymore" at her current residence. Since they gave us no other options and we felt guilty, we told her she could come live with us but we needed time to pack all her stuff (she hoards) and rent a U-Haul. The lady said no problem-we're sending her to rehab for 2 weeks. The next day as I'm packing all mother's stuff, we get a call saying mother is being discharged from the hospital because insurance denied the rehab. I begged for one more day. My husband and I pulled an all-nighter to get her stuff loaded, brought to our house in a neighboring state, and unpacked/setup for her. We did all the labor ourselves.

While she was with us, I had to move all her accounts, obtain new doctors, change her insurance to our state, etc, but she repaid me by telling her friends that I was "mean, wouldn't let her drive (that was dr.'s orders!), and she's forced to stay in her room", which was NOT true at all. She was out in our space from sunup til we went to bed at night! Home health was coming but she didn't like the people. She complained that her old senior center was "boring" so I drove her to ours twice to get a tour and schedule of events, which was a lot of activities, but she refused to go. She wrote a suicide note and when I took her to the hospital she talked her way back home the next day. Every time she made a suicidal comment I'd call her doctors, her outpatient psych place, the home health, anybody who'd listen to try to get some help. But every time I was met with, "Well... .if she doesn't tell us she's going to hurt herself, there's nothing we can do."

After all that, she got mad at me for trying to get help and went behind our backs and signed a lease on a dumpy apartment back in the place we just moved her from. So we had to get another truck and move her again! Since she's been back, I have people calling me all the time about how "depressed and lonely" she is. We go back and forth every weekend to check on her. She now wants to come back here and because we told her no, she's stepping up her game by scheduling medical procedures that require someone be with her 24/7 until she's mobile again. Upcoming is a knee replacement. I cannot go until the weekends because when she was living with us, I sold my older model vehicle so she could have the garage space, plus I was using her car to take her to doctors etc while she was here. I also gave up a job to take care of her. But when she moved back, I'm stuck now with no transportation or job (while she keeps driving against doctor's orders). Of course she's mad because I can't come and told the doctor when he asked about post-op arrangements, that she was coming back to live with us! I called the doctor and told him no, she wasn't. I told him she would be going back to her apartment alone, and did they have anywhere they could send her for rehab after until she was able to return home. He said yes. When I told her this, she got mad and said "I don't know about that! I can't keep doing all this stuff because it's putting me in a higher insurance tier and then I'll have to start paying out of my own pocket and I'm not going to have any money left!" And as soon as we hung up, she called both her insurance and the doctor (I do her bills so I saw the call log) to sabotage my efforts again at getting her the care she needs.

I'm at my wits end. She cannot handle living alone, but she refuses to go back to assisted living where she was once. She has money to go for 2-4 years, but says she "can't afford it". Even if she agrees finally, what happens when her money runs out? I've tried calling her social worker for help and advice but he doesn't return my calls. She refuses psych care-her doctor tried to set her up with outpatient again but she won't go. Insurance always denies attempts at getting her somewhere for a week or so. I try and try to get help yet all the while her "friends" keep calling me and expecting us to move her back in here and she reinforces their beliefs that we do nothing for her with her lies and complaints. She wants attention constantly, is manipulative, and is the neediest person I've ever met. I give all I can but it's never good enough. I'm slap wore out, depressed myself, and hopeless about having any kind of life for myself. Sorry this has been so long; guess I needed to vent. Thanks to any out there who have read this and can offer any advice.   

[Catlady3.14]

Sweetie I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be a huge stress for you and your husband.
It sounds as though you have done everything you can. I can't offer much advice. But I understand not feeling like anything you do is enough. And the guilt you feel for not feeling like enough.
Have you handed her financial and medical issues back to her and held her accountable for herself? Is she mentally/physically able?

[Turkish]

Hello BlueRidgeGal,

I'd like to join Catlady3.14 in welcoming you here

I'm the only adopted child of a single mother also 

Overall, I'm glad that you and your husband have decided not to move your mother back with you (likely she would want to leave again). You went above and beyond to move her... .twice!

It's too bad that the social worker (is this Adult Protective Services?) won't return your calls. It could be some kind of internal protocol, or that he or she is overworked (or just not that good, who knows?). What's the deal with her driving... .is it due to her reflexes of vision? Have you observed her doing dangerous driving? My mother was reported by people in the small community, and upon being summoned to DMV, she couldn't pass their test and had her license suspended. It didn't keep her from making short trips (on mountain roads   but it did result in her self-limiting. She was never caught until finally her truck wouldn't start for whatever reason.

My mother, who lived with me and my little kids for four months, made similar accusations as your mother did: that I kept her truck from her ("stole" she said, and at one point got into my face and threatened me with a lawyer), kept her prisoner, blanched at the thought of looking into getting her a day companion at least to take her out while I was at work (didn't trust people/paranoia). She also told me that I was going to abandon her when we drove by the senior center (not a nursing home) to see about activities, connections and getting her legal help. She even turned against her NP later and told me she was going to sue her for violating HIIPA by talking to people in the community about her.

I also got calls from people in the community aghast at her living conditions (extreme and filthy hoarder), and one former neighbor who even cussed at me one night on the phone for not doing something after my mom moved back by her demand... .local PD picked her up wandering the city trying to go "home" on a train, but no trains go to where she was from. My mom told my neighbors I was keeping her prisoner, told the cop that picked her up (he shrewdly saw through it when I showed up and he talked to me for a few minutes). Told people that I and my little kids were stealing her money (when I was hosting her room, board and most of the food!). I get the pressure when someone is telling lies through a disordered mind. Few people get it.

So, I admire that you did all that you did; it's a lot!

One of our members here said in regards to her dad who was being abused by her mom, the authorities told her, "your dad has the right to make his own bad decisions," meaning that short of being declared in court mentally incompetent, people who live on the edge of abuse, neglect or self-neglect can't be helped without going through a process. As the SW told me, "as bad as it is, we can't just go take your mom from her property; people have rights."

As for your mom's friends, did you tell them the truth, that you already moved her there and back again?


Which takes us back to you, BRG... .I'm sorry that you felt more like an object as a child, fulfilling a role, perhaps, rather than being recognized as a person with needs and feelings of your own. I think all of us here can related to that in various ways, and in different degrees, personal to us, but still a common theme. After I left at 18 (I was adopted at 2.3), my mom "replaced" me with different families, and if there was a little kid, they ended up calling her "grandma," the adult males like sons, the females like daughters. None of those relationships lasted, and a few times my mother was in danger from sketchy people. One of the last ones my mother indicated that they were looking into my mom adopting a 28 year old gal/"daughter" and having her, H, and 4 kids live on her property indefinitely, a Wacky Walton's Mountain.

[BlueRidgeGal]

Have you handed her financial and medical issues back to her and held her accountable for herself? Is she mentally/physically able?

Thanks for your reply Catlady! I don't think she can handle her business anymore. Her checkbook was a hot mess when I took it over. However, she's found another book of checks and just keeps on spending all the while complaining about not having enough money. I have to log into her bank account daily to keep up with all her spending. She thinks anything that comes in the mail asking for money she has to do- Joel Olsteen, Guideposts, Publishers Clearing House, PETA, wildlife societies, magazine subscriptions... .you get the picture. I don't know how to stop all that.

[BlueRidgeGal]

It's too bad that the social worker (is this Adult Protective Services?) won't return your calls. It could be some kind of internal protocol, or that he or she is overworked (or just not that good, who knows?). What's the deal with her driving... .is it due to her reflexes of vision?
As for your mom's friends, did you tell them the truth, that you already moved her there and back again?

Thanks for your reply too Turkish. I'm sorry for all you've been through as well. The social worker in question was sent out I think from when she had home health. Since the home health is over, I think he's not as motivated to help, even though he told me I could call anytime and he'd be happy to answer any questions. He's previously been difficult to reach, so I'm about done with him... .
Yes, the "friends" know the truth and we've moved her probably 5 times since 2015! None of them ever bothered to help but yet they're all judgmental and opinionated. As for her driving, she gets lost, confused, jumps curbs and has taken out her oil pan in the parking lot of Walgreens, loses her car in WalMart parking lot and asks strangers to not only find her car but bring it to her! I've told her doctors all this and when they tell her not to drive, she just keeps on. Ugh! 

[Turkish]

 How would you feel about reporting her to DMV? What about letting her realize the consequences of her inability to handle her money, or do you have legal authority on this?

That explains the social worker.  It might be helpful to contact APS. This might qualify as "self -neglect."

[Notwendy]

Hi BlueRidgeGal,

I'm the poster Turkish mentioned who called social services about my father. I did not, thankfully, bring my mother to move in with me, and disengaged from being involved in her care after the chaotic scenario when my father got ill. It was similar to your situation in ways. I sincerely wanted to help- and went to stay with them for a while to help out when he first became seriously ill. There were some situations that were similar- Dad in and out of rehab, coming home where BPD mother was his "caregiver". She was abusive to him and he was not getting proper care or meals. There was no routine or schedule. Home health workers were being painted black and let go. If I intervened to make things better, they painted me black, and if I stayed away they told everyone that their terrible children abandoned them.

I did actually try to get them to move closer to me, but in a continuing care community, as Dad's health was declining and my mother is active and healthy. This way, he would get progressive care as needed. We kids were concerned about her being on her own, not because of her physical health but her mental health. When Dad could not longer be the stable force in the home, it was like having two toddlers live alone together- two toddlers who were legal adults and in charge of their lives and not willing to listen to me or anyone else. They refused the idea of the community.

I also tried to help with managing their finances as a budget means nothing to my mother. They have plenty of resources but I feared she would mismanage them. She then told everyone I forced her to go to the bank to hand over her money. I spoke to my father's doctor about her mental condition because I feared for his well being with her in charge. He found out and got angry at me, telling me to back off. So I did. They then told everyone I abandoned them. BPD mother painted me black to him, read all his e mails and listened in on our phone calls.

He is deceased and Mom is on her own. Much of what we are concerned about is still happening. She needs supervision but she engages in drama with her home health workers so they are often painted black if they don't go along with her wishes. As the social worker said- she still fits the definition of legally competent to make her own bad decisions. I know, for my own sanity, that I can not be too involved. Thankfully my father made arrangements for her to be financially comfortable. It is in her hands and we kids can not intervene.

She did bring up the idea of living closer to me. I considered it for a while but seeing how things went with her, I told her no. She was furious, but it was the truth. I suspect her friends and relatives near her think I am a horrible daughter. I have to accept that they will think what they want.

[Notwendy]

I wish I could offer better advice but I felt my hands were tied in terms of helping. For me to be able to help. BPD mother would have to relinquish some control and she will not do that, not with me, not with her home care workers and probably not with my father if he tried to enforce any boundaries.

I would not want to have all control either. That would not be fair. Control on my part would mean to establish a reasonable budget to manage her living expenses and some kind of routine as I have my own family and job to manage. Her idea is to do whatever she wants and to make me do whatever she wants, but her judgement is poor and what she wants is sometimes not good for her. It also includes not having limits on her abusive behavior. She expects us to be her servants, not her helpers.

She also feels invalidated by assistance or suggestions and that triggers the drama triangle with her. Once she was discussing some work being done on her house. I recalled wishing I had put some covers on things as the construction dust got everywhere. I shared that with her. This triggered a rage with her screaming "I can do what I want don't tell me what to do" and that was over something trivial. Once her car was in the shop and I offered to take her to pick it up and I said "please call to see if it is ready" .She refused, saying "I will call when I feel like it". I have learned not to react to her when she does this, but, BPD is a disorder of attachment which affects the most intimate relationships and my helping attempts trigger her. She is more likely to cooperate with a home health care worker who is not related to her. I have seen her with some, and she seems quite content. It is actually better for both of us if someone else helps her.

What happens when someone runs out of money? I am not certain of this, but I think when all assets are gone, Medicare does pick up on the expenses of a nursing home- of their choice. I think this is a last resort. If your mother's social worker won't speak to you, I imagine someone at an elder care agency would go over this with you. I haven't looked into this in detail. My mother does have a social worker involved in her care and it is between the two of them.

[BlueRidgeGal]

How would you feel about reporting her to DMV? What about letting her realize the consequences of her inability to handle her money, or do you have legal authority on this?

That explains the social worker.  It might be helpful to contact APS. This might qualify as "self -neglect."

I didn't realize I could call the DMV and report her. I'm torn too about her not being able to drive. On one hand I see how disastrous it could be if she continues, but then she absolutely cannot stand to be at her residence. She is one of those that has to be running the roads all day. If she stays in, she gets more depressed. She won't have a way to get to everywhere she wants to go all week either, since I'm unable to run her around. She does have one lady she asks to accompany her to appointments when the doctor does a minor procedure and has told her she can't drive home, but I don't think this woman wants to take her all over every day. There's a bus service for seniors that mother has used before, but she complains about using it.

What is APS please? Is that adult protective services?

[BlueRidgeGal]

Thank you notwendy for sharing your story. There are indeed many similarities. When my step-dad was sick and dying, mother treated him horribly. She will treat home health people, the social worker etc great... .but only for a while. Then she turns on everyone and finds reasons not to like them and then doesn't want them around so she dismisses everyone. Then she'll complain later that she needs them.
I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said "legally competent to make her own bad decisions". This is what I've been up against. To me and most of her friends who have witnessed it, she is not competent, but every time I get an "expert" involved and they talk to her, suddenly she straightens up and manages to assure them she's "fine", so I'm told there's "nothing they can do". It's all very draining!

[Notwendy]

My mother stopped driving and my father was her transportation. As he began to decline, he began to fear driving and wanted to stop but my mother insisted he keep driving. Eventually he had an accident, and thank goodness nobody was hurt. We were grateful nobody was hurt and hopeful he would stop driving but he continued until he could not.  We did try to intervene with the driving but could not. If he was able to maintain a license, that was out of our control.

If I can give you any hope, it is that once we stopped doing things for BPD mother, she has shown herself to be quite resourceful. Although from her perspective and others, we children have horribly abandoned her, however the other side of this coin is that we were also the course of least resistance- it was easier for her to frighten my father and us to do things for her than to figure out how to do them herself. As a result, we enabled her dependency.

We feared that when Dad was gone, she wouldn't be able to function on her own. She still is not a high functioning person, but as an elderly person she has actually grown into the role of needing assistance. It is normal for someone her age. What isn't obvious is that she has mostly been this way- needing others to do things for her and bullying us to do them rather than appear she is needing the help.

Now that we are not doing many things for her, she has found people to help her. Her helpers take her grocery shopping and drive her to appointments. She even got a social worker involved to help her- on her own. She even knows how to use an Uber app. If I am around, she becomes helpless. She has an emotional need to have people take care of her- and manipulates me to do things for her that she is capable of doing herself- to fill that need. She is both low functioning and also more able than we gave her credit for. It is aggravating  but also reassuring to see her pull herself together when she needs to- mostly with strangers.

[Turkish]

APS is adult protective services.  They are better trained and used to dealing with situations like this.  Interesting that your mom straightens up when a spotlight is shined her way, implying that a lot is her behaviours are a choice.  

My mom went through 7 therapists before she found one that she trusted and this was when she was around 50. It's hard to help someone who exhibits such a high level of distrust.

[Notwendy]

I think the pulling herself together for strangers does show that her behavior is a choice, but I also think some of this is not sustainable and it is a good act. My mother does not want to reveal her issues and the family rule was to pretend she is not disordered but she is. She can "pull it together" but not for long. Just long enough that people who don't know her well do not catch on.

It was very invalidating to not have my perspective denied by the people who do not know her well. However, when people get to know her better, they see it and some of her helpers have mentioned it to me. I suspect this is why many of  the home health helpers were suddenly painted black and let go. If anyone lets on that they know she has issues, they are painted black and dropped from her contacts.

[BlueRidgeGal]

Now that we are not doing many things for her, she has found people to help her. Her helpers take her grocery shopping and drive her to appointments. She even got a social worker involved to help her- on her own. She even knows how to use an Uber app. If I am around, she becomes helpless. She has an emotional need to have people take care of her- and manipulates me to do things for her that she is capable of doing herself- to fill that need. She is both low functioning and also more able than we gave her credit for. It is aggravating  but also reassuring to see her pull herself together when she needs to- mostly with strangers.

Yes, Yes, Yes! Mine is definitely not as helpless as she wants us to believe. She has found people to take her places and is indeed quite resourceful when she needs to be!