Awareness, thought I was going crazy

[Redmon]

Thank you for this place to receive support! I am reaching out because I have been living with someone who seems to appear on the spectrum for BPD. However, no formal diagnosis has been made as of yet for BPD. In the past, he has been diagnosed as High Anxiety ( which he accepts) , Bipolar ( which he denies) and ADD ( which he denies). He goes to a psychiatrist/therapist but talk therapy does not work as he has not improved over the many years of therapy. I discovered BPD through my daughter who is studying for her Masters in Social work and she discovered through her studies about this disorder and thought of her father as soon as she started reading characteristics of BPD.

This is all new to me and after researching and reading more on BPD, I sometimes recognize some of the characteristics of BPD in myself? I now need to start exploring positive and effective ways to help me move forward  to better self care. I now know after 30 years of marriage that I can't control my husband's actions or reactions  and that I need to look after my own- I need to own my own. I am very much a co-dependent.
Here are the reasons I believe my husband is on the BPD spectrum:

Everything is black or white- All your opinions are either with him and in agreement or not. There is no room for "grey"

He has had rages which scare me and the family. It comes on as "crazy eye" ( he gets a scary look in his eyes)  first than can turn into a full rage. He never remembers it and vehemently denies that the rage happened. He has never been physically violent but when close friends ( who have know us both for many years)  have seen his rages, they have questioned me worried that he has been violent towards me because of the severity. He controls these rages now because I have left him and stayed with friends the last time he had one with me. He knows that I will leave him if he has rages. He does not want to be embarrassed  by me going to stay with our friends to get away from him. So rages are controlled because he is worried about what others will think of him.

He over exaggerates when recounting any past event or occurrence. I call it lying - he seems to interpret past history differently than me when we both experienced it at the same time while in the same place. I have argued with him- "that's not how it happened... .I was there and I recall it differently... ." he will insist that he is correct and I am wrong.

He will lie ( over exaggerate) events to his family - Mother and brother- in order to gain their sympathy so they can feel sorry for him and he places his own children and wife as" bad" people who are out to get him and all we do is criticize him and spend all his money. He is always a victim. He will not stand up for his family to his narcissistic mother who rules the family. She pretends to be this loving , caring person, but she is not. I have never seen her hug or kiss her sons or show any physical love to them. She reciprocates with money and then holds the money she gives them over their heads. She plays favorites. One son is favored over the other. One daughter-in-law is favored over the other. One grandchild walks on water, the rest are  never good enough. She is obvious in this and it is apparent to everyone in the family who the favorites are. Our children have lost any faith  or trust in their father because of the abuse they suffered from  him not standing up to his mother and letting her run ( or try to run)  theirs and his life. He has even tried to get sympathy from my family and said horrible things to my father about me in hopes that my parents would fall for his victim-hood? I have never understood this and now never entrust him with my emotional well being or any personal situations. These I hide from him and they continue to  stay hidden. I have emotionally removed myself from him to preserve my dignity.


He gets fired from every job. Even though he works hard and accomplishes the work that he has been tasked with, he still gets fired. He cannot work in an office because he says inappropriate things-impulsively without thought .  He works for himself on contract which means he is not around people all the time and can therefore not get fired! All the companies he has worked for that have fired him are all wrong and he is always the victim. It is never his fault that he gets fired.

I do not trust my husband with any information that I don't want the whole world to hear. He tells everyone everything. Nothing is sacred and if there is a secret to tell, everyone knows if you tell my husband it will no longer be a secret. I have learned to only speak superficially with him over the years so that I can keep personal stuff to myself as much as possible. I do have close friends that I can actually discuss personal issues with knowing that our conversations will not be spread amongst others. So I am lucky!

He self obsesses and over eats when stressed ( which is 90% of the time) and has a number of oral tics- Everything revolves around his mouth. He has to constantly have his fingers in his mouth- he chews the skin off his fingers till raw and bleeding. He eats excessively and cannot control the amount of food he eats. He drinks excessively- whether coffee, or alcohol. Only when I tell him that friends are wondering if he is becoming an alcoholic, will he limit his intake of alcohol as he is always worried what others think but not what his immediate family thinks. He has all kinds of mouth tics... .licking lips constantly, making weird noises and clicks with his mouth constantly. I sleep with a pillow over my head because of the irritating noises from his mouth when in bed at night. He got fired from doing voluntary work with a food kitchen downtown helping the homeless because he sticks his fingers in the food and eats off peoples plates " without knowing what he is doing"- I assume he does this without knowing as I can't imagine it any other way!- he denied it and blamed his firing on the lead volunteer not liking him.  He has terrible table manners even though his mother has the perfect table settings at dinner and when we dine with her she totally ignores his bad manners but will scold our children ( when they were younger) to eat properly with proper manners.

I can go on but these are a few examples that are helping me to understand his diagnosis and also understand how to help myself and react differently towards him. I am very critical. This has been my way of having power- I constantly criticize him in order to feel better about myself but I hate myself for reacting like this. I am working towards changing this very bad habit.
I consider him my third child and he often reacts to situations like a 5 year old. Actually our children at 5 were more mature.
I have emotionally withdrawn from him and do not touch him physically because I am always angry with him. He never accepts anything as his fault so having a discussion about a potential issue is not worth it so I don't. He victimizes himself in every situation. I react incorrectly to these situations perpetuating the same distant response every time.
We "pretend" to be a happy couple and have many friends and do a lot of entertaining. Some of my close friends perceive my husband as " Male chauvinist" but with a good heart! I actually called him a narcissist last year before I started researching about BPD and narcissism! He will not read anything on any of these subjects and wonders why I am reading all these different books on disorders!
He thinks I am the one with all the problems and that my family is a mess but his family was perfect and his mom is loved by everyone and has tons of friends so he grew up normal but I did not.

Thanks for this place to vent! I thought I was alone in this and thought I was going crazy because no one else was experiencing what I have been going through

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redmon and welcome! You are in the right place. Lots of us here have been through similar situations and all of us have experienced life with someone with a mental illness.

I'm sorry you've had to go through three decades worth of the above. I am so glad you have found us here and finally have a place to vent.

I suggest you start by looking at the skills workshops on the right   and posting on other threads to gain context and support on your own.

Have you opened up to any of your friends and family about the situation? Or is this the first time you've spoken to someone else about it?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[CryWolf]

Thank you for reaching out to us Redmon,

I believe Roland asked some good questions if you don’t mind answering when you can 

Finding out your partner may have BPD is very tragic but when the pieces fit we start to get answers that our mind couldn’t before. Just like you and many others, many of us felt “crazy” or unheard and alone. You don’t have to feel this way anymore, please continue to share and look at the tools section to help you in anyway.