Adult daughter BPD- What Happened To Her?

[201lady]

As the father of an adult daughter ( 42), what happened to her? Here is a girl that did well in HS and went on to college. In her sophomore year, she went off to London to study for a year. What a confident and independent daughter she portrayed. My wife , I and her bf cried at the airport as she took off. On free time, she and her friends took the Eurail pass through Europe.

Now she is in a rage going back to her HS years and said we did more with our son who was in sports. She says, I was left on my own. In the summer she volunteered at. Summer Play House. We always came to her play. She was backstage. Now she expected us to have been there as many times as her brother’s sport games.

Now, she “centers” and ruminates about all of the mistakes we did as parents. She never look at the good times. Her mind they took her to Monkey and Boys To Men Concert. We went on
Many vacations together.

I do feel guilty probably talking about sports as well as coaching. I have apologized profusely about my failings as a father. I never ever wanted to hurt someone so precious that I love.  

I am trying to understand this disorder. I know the only way for her to get well is to try and focus on some pleasant memories as well as to forgive others that have hurt her in any way.  

Any ideas of r suggestions would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello 201lady,

Welcome, I am so sorry to hear of your situation and my heart goes out to you.

You ask of your daughter “What happened to her?” I can relate to that, asking what happened to my uBPD son. It can be so overwhelming. All they can see is their own reality. You say that you have apologised profusely about your failings as a father, how did she respond, did she accept your apologies? With my son, I could apologise one day, he would accept the apology and give me a hug and then the next day it would all be forgotten and there we were back to square one again.

I am glad that you are trying to understand this disorder, there are lots of resources to be found here that can help you, just look to the right 

Reading and participating in others posts helps too. You will find lots of parents here just like you, all doing the best that they can.

May I just ask, is your daughter in therapy?

[201lady]

My daughter is in therapy but not for BPD.

[201lady]

You are so right about my adult BPD daughter living her own reality. For her she hangs on to the past tenaciously. That is when she believed we liked her brother more than her during her HS years.  

Yes, my son was involved with many sports teams. I was even a HS Coach of his soccer team for 2 years. So yes, we were away a lot attending his games just like many other things parents that had son’s in sports and other children at home.

The other part of this volunteered for Summer Park Playhouse . She loved the theater and worked behind the scene. We did come to a performance and supported her.

She is now telling us, why not attending like you went to all of her brother’s games.

She has always devalued herself and thought less of herself since  we spent time at his sports.

Still we did so much together as a family. My wife had led my daughter’s camp fire group thru HS. We took her to concerts. We paid for her college as well as her wedding. We went to her college plays.

My wife and I spent hours at her house putting down lament floors, painting just about every room and painting the outside. I weeded her garden and mowed their lawn and sealed her driveway.

Unfortunately, her marriage fell apart.

It really did not matter what we have done or how we have helped her do things and help her financially... .it keeps coming back to those HS years and  in her mind ( her reality) we did not care about her.

Through all of these years, she is now 41 she never seemed despondent, unloved, depressed and never mentioned to us any of these things.

Upon all of this, she is having a very difficult long distance relationship with her bf.

I know she is in pain and suffering especially in what she believes about us as parents. She has stated we never will have a good relationship.

Yet, where would she be if it was not her parents have given her a place to stay , a car to drive, a phone and paid some of her bills.

As I stated in my other post, I told her I do understand her feelings about being involved in my son’s sports. But, still we have always have loved her as our precious daughter. I wish we did more.

Now, we are heartbroken about how she feels about us.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope and pray for my daughter’s inner healing and her forgiveness... .as well as for her to mention some of the positive things we did as her parents.

[Feeling Better]

You are so right about my adult BPD daughter living her own reality. For her she hangs on to the past tenaciously. That is when she believed we liked her brother more than her during her HS years. 



It really did not matter what we have done or how we have helped her do things and help her financially... .it keeps coming back to those HS years and  in her mind ( her reality) we did not care about her.

I relate totally to what you have written, my son also is locked in to something that happened a few years ago and he believes that his truth is the only truth and he just cannot move forward from this. It is heartbreaking. He blames his sister for a lot of his problems as well as me. In his reality his sister took his mother (me) away from him and I rejected him, preferring to have a relationship with his sister over him. Everything with him is always very black or white.

Like you, we bent over backwards to help our son and I think we actually did far more for him than we did for our daughters, but of course he doesn’t see it that way. It’s just not his truth!

You say that she never mentioned before about these feelings that she has, which makes me wonder, was there something that happened recently which has triggered your current situation with her?

Is it only you that your daughter has a problem with? How is she towards her mother and brother?

[201lady]

I think what has triggered this is her relationship with her bf. I believe he wants to break away from her and has cheated on her.

You can always tell after her phone call with him if it is going to be a good day or not. It sets her off to anger and a bad mood.

Then she brings up the past about how we both loved her brother more than her.

She rants against her mother as well ... even after all that she did for her.

She does not get along with the brother even though he tries to be civil and understanding. She criticizes him and calls him the «  trophy » child.

Since our adult daughter is at home we spend way more time with her and try our best to listen to her vent.

At times, she swears at us and says she hates us and we are not her parents.

Yesterday was a better day with her. I continue to pray for her inner healing .

[wendydarling]

Hi 201lady

 

I'd like to join Feeling Better welcoming you to the community of parents here, I'm glad you found us though sorry why and for your heartbreak. It's so overwhelming how can things change so suddenly. How long has your daughter been ruminating and raging, when did this start?

Unfortunately, her marriage fell apart.

Through all of these years, she is now 41 she never seemed despondent, unloved, depressed and never mentioned to us any of these things.

Upon all of this, she is having a very difficult long distance relationship with her bf.

When did her marriage breakdown? You describe relationship difficulties, common with people with BPD.

Since diagnosis three years ago, my 29yr daughter has since shared with me she always knew something was not quite right with her from a young child, she made it through school, degree, work and hit crisis 3 years ago to the month, hospitalised. I'm fortunate she does not blame me for her disorder at this time, I'm also very open that may change in the future, it's all so unpredictable. Some people can function through adulthood before it unfolds or they acknowledge something is wrong, or hit crisis like my daughter did.

You say that she never mentioned before about these feelings that she has, which makes me wonder, was there something that happened recently which has triggered your current situation with her?

Feeling Better asks a good question   EDIT: I see your response ... .bf.

You're doing right by your daughter and for yourself trying to understand her disorder, we can't change them we can however change the way we relate to them to help improve communication through use of the tools and lessons here  

Is your daughter working, financially independent? EDIT: I see she's at home.

I think we both posted at the same time, you got in first. 

WDx

[Feeling Better]

My daughter is in therapy but not for BPD.

Your daughter is in therapy but not for BPD, does that mean that she hasn’t received a BPD diagnosis? May I ask, why she is in therapy, did she seek help herself?

Since our adult daughter is at home we spend way more time with her and try our best to listen to her vent.

It must be exhausting for you listening to your daughter vent, I remember well the times I used to just sit and listen to my son venting, not knowing how to respond and feeling so scared of saying the wrong thing in case I made things worse. How do you respond to your daughter when she vents?

[201lady]

To reply to a few of the questions about my adult daughter with BPD.

Here was a young girl that succeeded in HS although it was tough being a "teacher's kid". She went on to college and did well there including having the 'maturity" and independence to spend a year in London studying abroad... .going to the theater and touring Europe with friends as well as going to Ireland  by herself.


She got married at 27 and really supported her husband getting his teaching degree. As I mentioned earlier, my wife and I helped them immensely with their house--- flooring, painting, mowing, sealing drive way, gardening.

Unfortunately, after 7 years due to quarreling and she started drinking-- the marriage ended. (2010)

She moved to an apartment  and had a good job for awhile but that ended. she had a few jobs since then.

Through the date line, she had another bf. Yet, during these years her drinking has continued. Eventually not working, she moved back home where we have supported her.

Her bf moved to Syracuse to be near his children. Three times while visiting she got drunk and harassed her bf to the extent he called the police.

She is going through an addiction program through the courts. I am not sure this is having an affect on her. She is looking for work which she needs desperately to get out of the house and support herself and get in a daily routine that boosts her spirits.


She is having a terrible time with her bf recently that has brought out her "rage" against us as parents.


She" clings" to that we love her brother more then her. she says, we are disgusting parents, etc. And yet, each day comes down and talks with us. Some days are better than others. Yes, i have read a few good books about BPD as well as the posts.

I thank everyone that has responded with encouragement. Unconditionally we love our daughter and pray for the best in her life

[Feeling Better]

Hi 201lady,

I just want to add something that I have thought about regarding what you wrote in an earlier post.

You say that you have apologised profusely about your failings as a father, and depending on what you said and how you said it, that may not have been what your daughter wanted to hear. She might not have heard it as the apology you intended it to be. I hope that makes sense to you. I don’t mean that as a criticism in any way. It’s just that we have to learn a whole new way of communicating with a pwBPD. I can only now look back on past conversations I’ve had with my son and realise how I often invalidated his feelings. It is so important when offering an apology that you validate the other persons feelings. How does that seem to you?

[201lady]

I do not quite understand your comment. In Al Anon, and other groups one must admit their mistakes, their failings and how I must have hurt my daughter by not attending to her needs.

I have mentioned to her, that I can see she is hurting and does not have seen being  validated during all of the time we spent at our son’s sports events.

It all comes down to be willing to forgive the other person.

Yes, I feel guilty as a father not giving enough attention to my daughter ( that I love). 

That is all I can do. We have tried many times to first look at all of the things we did together— concerts, vacations to Myrtle Beach, etc. The other thing, how can we reconcile these feelings and live in the moment, the day and not in the past. 

I have mentioned to her and validated her I know  what she is feeling about her HS years was very hurting, but w/ o replacing these memories with other good times and memories, she will only live in misery. 

As I have stated we support her with a place to live, a car to drive, food, a TV and all of the emotional support she desires. A few times a day she comes down to talk.

She is looking for a job. She needs to get into a working or as a volunteer to get out and have a purpose each day. We have tried to cut off all financial help so she does not buy beer.
 
My wife and I never expected the rage and alcohol abuse from her. We had many good times together.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders