Advice for boundaries with uBPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time reaching out to a support group and am looking forward to learning from others here... .
A little bit about myself... .I am 29, have been in therapy for the past 5 years, have a very supportive husband... .I thought I had made a lot of progress the past few years in therapy and I was feeling a lot better about my past but recently a lot of bad emotions have come up from childhood, I think due to having a 9 month old baby (whom I absolutely adore!) but I feel as if I’ve reached a breaking point and I often feel alone and sad that I have no one else to relate to (also I’m an only child) so here I am!

So as an adult I’m not sure how to manage my relationship with my mother and I know everyone has different experiences growing up but I’m wondering has anyone been able to have healthy relationships with BPD parents as adults? (If at all? Lol)

I’ve never really broke free from my mom’s control and it’s finally taking a huge toll on me and I’m at a loss for what to do. I lived at home until I was married and when I married I unfortunately literally moved around the corner from my parents! Eek  I feel like sometimes that it would be the most wonderful thing to not have to deal with my mother ever again but then I feel severe guilt and question myself. I feel I cannot cut her out of my life for a number of reasons. For instance, my dad who I love and have a very good relationship with, is still married to her and I couldn’t imagaine not being able to see him anymore, also they do very well with my son (their only grandson) and I wouldn’t want to take him away from them. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my father growing up, and up until I moved out she was this way. But since I’ve been out of the house she’s very “nice” to me? She doesn’t blow up at me, degrade me anymore, (I know she still does these things with my dad) but she treats me as if I’m her most prized possession now even though growing up she never treated me as a human with feelings. So then I question myself and wonder if I’m just a bad daughter feeling like I need to get away from her etc. I know our relationship is still very complex, not healthy, and I know she manipulates me very easily, it’s just all so very confusing... .

Anyways... sorry for the long rant , thank you for anyone who read it!

[lovelyj]

Hello everyone!

This is my first time reaching out to a support group and am looking forward to learning from others here... .
A little bit about myself... .I am 29, have been in therapy for the past 5 years, have a very supportive husband... .I thought I had made a lot of progress the past few years in therapy and I was feeling a lot better about my past but recently a lot of bad emotions have come up from childhood, I think due to having a 9 month old baby (whom I absolutely adore!) but I feel as if I’ve reached a breaking point and I often feel alone and sad that I have no one else to relate to (also I’m an only child) so here I am!

So as an adult I’m not sure how to manage my relationship with my mother and I know everyone has different experiences growing up but I’m wondering has anyone been able to have healthy relationships with BPD parents as adults? (If at all? Lol)

I’ve never really broke free from my mom’s control and it’s finally taking a huge toll on me and I’m at a loss for what to do. I lived at home until I was married and when I married I unfortunately literally moved around the corner from my parents! Eek  I feel like sometimes that it would be the most wonderful thing to not have to deal with my mother ever again but then I feel severe guilt and question myself. I feel I cannot cut her out of my life for a number of reasons. For instance, my dad who I love and have a very good relationship with, is still married to her and I couldn’t imagaine not being able to see him anymore, also they do very well with my son (their only grandson) and I wouldn’t want to take him away from them. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my father growing up, and up until I moved out she was this way. But since I’ve been out of the house she’s very “nice” to me? She doesn’t blow up at me, degrade me anymore, (I know she still does these things with my dad) but she treats me as if I’m her most prized possession now even though growing up she never treated me as a human with feelings. So then I question myself and wonder if I’m just a bad daughter feeling like I need to get away from her etc. I know our relationship is still very complex, not healthy, and I know she manipulates me very easily, it’s just all so very confusing... .

Anyways... sorry for the long rant , thank you for anyone who read it!

[Kwamina]

Hi lovelyj and welcome to bpdfamily

Dealing with a BPD parent can be quite challenging an confusing indeed. I am sorry it has taken such a toll on you. I am glad you joined our site though because many of our members have a BPD parent and will be able to relate to you and offer you support and advice.

... .I was feeling a lot better about my past but recently a lot of bad emotions have come up from childhood, I think due to having a 9 month old baby

Several of our members have talked about how having children of their own triggered certain difficult emotions in them related to their experiences growing up. What kind of emotions are you experiencing? Are perhaps also certain specific memories coming back?

I’ve never really broke free from my mom’s control and it’s finally taking a huge toll on me and I’m at a loss for what to do.

In what ways do you feel you are still under your mother's control?

My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my father growing up, and up until I moved out she was this way. But since I’ve been out of the house she’s very “nice” to me? She doesn’t blow up at me, degrade me anymore, (I know she still does these things with my dad) but she treats me as if I’m her most prized possession now even though growing up she never treated me as a human with feelings.

Why do you think it is that your mother now treats you so very differently than she did before?

You do mention that your relationship with her is still very complex and not healthy and that you know she manipulates you quite easily, could you perhaps elaborate on this?

Anyways... sorry for the long rant , thank you for anyone who read it!

It's ok, it wasn't that long at all actually!

Take care and again, welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Panda39]

Hi lovelyj,

I'm so glad you found us and decided to jump in and post.  I like to join Kawmina and say Welcome 

Congratulations on the new little one!  I think becoming a new mother makes us all look at how we were mothered and seems completely natural to me.

What do you find you struggle with most in terms of your mom at the moment?

I also wanted to point out the box to the right--> each item is a link to more information so if there is a topic that you think might be relevant in your situation just give it a click.

Panda39

[lovelyj]

Thank you Kwamina for the response. I liked your questions they really made me reflect!

I would say that it’s not so much any new memories coming back but it’s more like feelings and emotions that are being triggered. For instance, seeing my son making messes while eating. I know my mom has stated as a baby I was never allowed to be dirty or eat my own food as a baby because it would be too messy. She’s very orderly and sort of like OCD with the house and cleanliness. I’ve seen with my son if he’s eating at her house she constantly wipes his mouth over and over to keep him from getting food anywhere. This brings up deep sadness in me thinking I was never allowed to be a baby and make messes because she was so forceful on having things how she wanted.

I guess I feel under her control still because I feel directly responsible for her happiness. I think my mom still treats me the same as when I was living at home except she rarely rages at me now.  I’m not really sure why. I know she rages currently more often at my dad.

It’s difficult for me to explain how our current relationship is still toxic and how she manipulates me. It often all feels so normal because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ll try to give an example. My mom suffers from panic attacks. She often tells me that it helps her to know she can text me anytime and feel better knowing she has me. I feel this is one of her many tactics to make me feel responsible for making her feel better instead of her managing her panic attacks herself. Also If I ever am being positive or something good is going on in my life she gets in a very depressed mood and tells me how bad her life is and it makes me feel responsible. She will often ask me what I’m doing on a Friday night. I’ve responded saying going to dinner with friends. She acts very sad and says she wishes she had friends that would go to dinner with her. She does many similar things such as these but they are so subtle and I am so used to them I often don’t realize it until later.

[Turkish]

So your mom's a Waif,  an abandoned child who needs to be rescued 

I learned as a teen not to say anything good about another adult because my mom would find (as in make up something negative) to find fault with that person. It wasn't an overt cry for rescue as your mom does but it was still Waifish. 

A pwBPD or NPD traits feels worthless and unlovable at their core.  Masterson referred to the pwBPD as the "deflated false self" and the pwNPD as the "inflated false self." It gets confusing when trying to analyze these behaviors so I'll stop for now 

We don't know what we don't know so it is hard for us here to move past or see beyond his we were raised,  to feel responsible for our parent's feelings.  This is very damaging to a child who is struggling,  as is a normal part of growing,  to find his or her own identity. 

This feature article might help you make more sense of what happened.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Tell us what you think. 

[Panda39]

It’s difficult for me to explain how our current relationship is still toxic and how she manipulates me. It often all feels so normal because that’s all I’ve ever known. I’ll try to give an example. My mom suffers from panic attacks. She often tells me that it helps her to know she can text me anytime and feel better knowing she has me. I feel this is one of her many tactics to make me feel responsible for making her feel better instead of her managing her panic attacks herself. Also If I ever am being positive or something good is going on in my life she gets in a very depressed mood and tells me how bad her life is and it makes me feel responsible. She will often ask me what I’m doing on a Friday night. I’ve responded saying going to dinner with friends. She acts very sad and says she wishes she had friends that would go to dinner with her. She does many similar things such as these but they are so subtle and I am so used to them I often don’t realize it until later.

Lots of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)... .emotional blackmail here and yes her behaviors are subtle.  I had a Narcissistic Boss for a couple of years and even after spending time here I didn't recognize the things that she was doing until later, don't beat yourself up.   The thing is that you see it, that you see it is dysfunctional, and your not wondering around in the dark.  You can't work on things you don't see, but you can when you see the problem. 

How did you respond to your mom in the situation you describe above? Maybe we can give you some responses for things like this that you can keep in the back of your mind... .I think if we can be prepared for the behaviors we see repeatedly it's easier to respond in a way that works better for us.

Take Care,
Panda39

[bluebird91]

Hi lovelyj! This is my first post/response on bpdfamily and I wanted to respond to your post specifically because it resonates with me so deeply. I am 26 years old and will be moving 10 minutes away from my parents (still married) at the end of the month. I have a BPD mother who exhibits very similar behaviors to everything you said. The guilt, fear and obligation is so strong. I also have a great relationship with my dad. I would love to cut off contact with her but can't because of the exact reasons you mentioned. Don't want to leave my dad alone, don't want to have to cut off contact with him, feeling like I would be a bad daughter if I cut off contact, etc.

I completely understand how hard it is to explain the toxicity of your relationship - she brings you down at every chance she gets. To give you some context on my end: On top of her BPD, my mother suffered several spinal fractures last summer and has been disabled since. She's having surgery next week, a few weeks before I move in with my boyfriend to a new apartment. Instead of being excited for me, she says things like "I won't be able to come over for a long time because I'll be stuck in bed" and makes sad faces, and seemingly expects me to solve this for her. I have no idea how to respond to these types of comments. She used to go on long, long rants to me about how terrible her life was and how she was never going to walk again and lost all hope - this continued until I broke down and told her I couldn't take it anymore. Her response was that I "always made her feel better" so she felt she could talk to me about it (continued by saying that my dad never wanted to talk about it, as if he was a bad person). She constantly puts blame on our family for not wanting to absorb all her suffering constantly.

I know that this doesn't help you figure out how to cope necessarily, but I hope it at least gives you knowledge that there are others going through the same thing. Until about six months ago I didn't even know there were other people like my mother in the world, and I know it helped me a bit to realize that there were.