Mother passed away. Trying to understand her abuse

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there

This is an extremely emotional first post for me.

I am almost 52 years old and an only child who is happily married with one son of 14.

My Mother (not, Mum, as she did nothing to earn that privileged title) committed suicide last September and it was only after her death that I learned she had been diagnosed with BPD (as well as other non-disclosed mental health conditions).  

At the time my Mother passed away,  I had been estranged from my parents for over 5 years as a result of, what I now know, was my Mothers undiagnosed BPD.

I had learned, only the previous December, Xmas Eve in fact, when refused entry to my mothers home and after visiting with her neighbor, that my dear dad had passed away almost 2 years previously and that my Mother had hidden his death from me (and everyone else). Something that completely devastated me and I found totally unforgivable.

When I learned of the BPD diagnosis after my mothers suicide, I did my research and it was then that lights began to come on and bells started to ring for me.  Further research and reading of certain books lead me to discover that mother had also been a Covert Narcissist.

I am now struggling to come to terms with the fact that:

1) Had a mother who never loved me 2) I lived most of my life being subject to mental (and sometimes physical) abuse. 3) That my life and my life choices, to a large part, had been manipulated and interfered with by my mother. 4) The fact that I have Fibromyalgia ( and have had for last 12 years) and have also struggled with Weight issues, are most likely a direct result of my mothers abuse/manipulation/interference.

Sorry for the long initial post, but I needed to give a clear picture if my situation.

My GP has, since last December, been aware of my struggles with all of this and  tried to get me some Mental Health assistance, however, physiology rejected my referral saying that it was Specialist Grief Counselling I needed - very clearly not !

And, just to add to the mix, my "mother", changed her will after my dads passing and stabbed the knife further through my heart and gut, with the legal mess she's left behind trying to disinherit me.

I am not perfect by any manner of means, but, I am certainly not the "daughter from hell" that my Mother made me out to be.  I have a few very good, close friends, some not so close friends, acquaintances and some very loving extended family that love, care for and support me and don't view me as my Mother did.

I would very much appreciate any feedback/support/assistance any of you, my now co-members can offer.  

Thank you very much in advance.

T xx

[Teesee]

Hi there

This is an extremely emotional first post for me.

I am almost 52 years old and an only child who is happily married with one son of 14.

My Mother (not, Mum, as she did nothing to earn that privileged title) committed suicide last September and it was only after her death that I learned she had been diagnosed with BPD (as well as other non-disclosed mental health conditions).  

At the time my Mother passed away,  I had been estranged from my parents for over 5 years as a result of, what I now know, was my Mothers undiagnosed BPD.

I had learned, only the previous December, Xmas Eve in fact, when refused entry to my mothers home and after visiting with her neighbor, that my dear dad had passed away almost 2 years previously and that my Mother had hidden his death from me (and everyone else). Something that completely devastated me and I found totally unforgivable.

When I learned of the BPD diagnosis after my mothers suicide, I did my research and it was then that lights began to come on and bells started to ring for me.  Further research and reading of certain books lead me to discover that mother had also been a Covert Narcissist.

I am now struggling to come to terms with the fact that:

1) Had a mother who never loved me 2) I lived most of my life being subject to mental (and sometimes physical) abuse. 3) That my life and my life choices, to a large part, had been manipulated and interfered with by my mother. 4) The fact that I have Fibromyalgia ( and have had for last 12 years) and have also struggled with Weight issues, are most likely a direct result of my mothers abuse/manipulation/interference.

Sorry for the long initial post, but I needed to give a clear picture if my situation.

My GP has, since last December, been aware of my struggles with all of this and  tried to get me some Mental Health assistance, however, physiology rejected my referral saying that it was Specialist Grief Counselling I needed - very clearly not !

And, just to add to the mix, my "mother", changed her will after my dads passing and stabbed the knife further through my heart and gut, with the legal mess she's left behind trying to disinherit me.

I am not perfect by any manner of means, but, I am certainly not the "daughter from hell" that my Mother made me out to be.  I have a few very good, close friends, some not so close friends, acquaintances and some very loving extended family that love, care for and support me and don't view me as my Mother did.

I would very much appreciate any feedback/support/assistance any of you, my now co-members can offer.  

Thank you very much in advance.

T xx

[Mutt]

Hi Teesee 



Id like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m soort for the circumstances that led you here but I’m glad that you have found us. I can relate with having a parent with a mental illness I didn’t find out until later my dad is still alive.

Are you talked me to a T ( therapist ) you’ll ind a lot of people here that can relate with you because they’re going through something similar you’re not alone.

Im sorry to hear to hear about your mom and dad. You’re certainly in the right place you’ll see that youlll fit right in here the lessons are in the right side of the board 

[Notwendy]

Teesee, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I think it will help you to learn about BPD behavior. I understand the grief. My BPD mother is still alive, but my father was enmeshed with her and before he died, she painted me black to him and he was angry at me. I was also written out of the will. My question was- was it her idea or his idea ( probably both? ). I didn't care about any material gain. I wanted to know that my father cared about me.

Later, my mother wrote me back in the will. She had done it in a fit of rage- at me. She's actually probably done it a few times and then changed her mind. When she is in a rage, she is capable of extreme cruelty. Once she gets over it, she seems to forget and want things to be as if they didn't happen. After my father died, she experienced being alone and I think it was scary to her. The will was not about material things as much as she needed someone to be power of attorney in case she needed assistance and she does trust me enough to do that. But when she is in a rage I too am the daughter from Hell.

One thing that helped me the most was to realize that my mother- and my father's mood cycles have little to do about me. I used the Drama triangle as a model to help me understand that my mother perceives things from victim perspective, even if they are not intended to hurt her. My father was her rescuer. This Victim- Rescuer bond was a way of the two of them bonding together against a common "persecutor" ( and takes the focus off their own issues )and so there had to be a persecutor. I was not the only one seen in that role. Their actions reflected the drama triangle more than they were about me.

I could also see how irrational her thinking is. I found my baby book. She had written about me when they took me home from the hospital how I was ignoring her. I also "threw up on purpose" just to get her. What newborn does these things on purpose? Already she was seeing things in victim mode and I was an innocent baby. Seeing these distorted ideas about a baby helped me to clarify that her perspective of me was not accurate.

I don't think my mother loves me, but it isn't because I am not worthy of love. I am and so are you. It is because my mother's mental illness results in her being in so much emotional pain that there isn't any room for love- either for herself or anyone else. She also has no control over her situation. Your mother didn't not love you for lack of love. She did the best she could in her mental state.

I was not there when my father died. My mother- on purpose- did not call me. I found out from a family member. Yes, this was her being vindictive. It hurt at the time, but with work ( counseling, co-dependency work) she doesn't have the power to hurt my feelings like that. I have realized that her words and actions say more about her than they do about me.

Grief over the loss of a parent- and also the loss of the parent we longed for is tough. There is a finality to that- a loss of hope that our parent will change and love us the way we hoped. When a parent does something like writing someone out of a will- in a fit of anger, it is very hurtful. It is important to grieve the loss- but it helps to keep in mind that your mother's actions are not about you. With work and understanding, you can know in your heart that you are a good person worthy of receiving from and giving love to the people you care about in your life.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Teesee! 

Your post was not too long at all, and we are so glad that you've joined us.  Thank you for sharing from your heart about all the hurts you've gone through. I'm so sorry for the shock you must've had in learning about your dad's death!   The traits of a BPD can be soo frustrating and deeply wounding. My mom was an uBPD.

I'm glad that you were able to list some of the effects her parenting had on you. Would love to hear about the books you've read about BPD.

 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hey TeeSee

Sorry to hear about your struggle. Realising you were never loved by your mother is a biggy. But as you say yourself you are loved by friends and extended family. Blood is so overrated.

My “Mother” is BPD and brother is a Covert Narcassist. So I would be interested in knowing why you saw that in your Mother. Its quiet rare. But they do say the Covert Narcassist is the most dangerous, so I look forward to your posts expanding on things. Welcome to our family.