Why am I not recovering? What should I do?

[Inko51]

Appreciate your thoughts in my ongoing saga.

My exgirlfriend dumped me in Nov 2017 (we had been dating since April 2017 having met at work. I was new to the organisation whereas she was already established). During this initial period she absolutely love bombed me at every level and I became completely hooked on her as much as I tried to keep a sense of proportion. She wanted to get engaged very quickly and she was passionate like no one I have ever met to date.

Anyway I had this idea to make bespoke gifts for Xmas one of which was to draw a picture of her and her two children, so I went to her Facebook homepage. We weren’t ever linked. I made a start on the drawing and a few days later I recommenced, but I appeared to be blocked. She confirmed I was blocked on the basis that something I said annoyed her. Anyway she said she would unblock me. A week later I was keen to get going on this project as Xmas was looming, but I was still blocked so again I phoned and this time she was in the middle of health crisis with her daughter, so I said well naturally deal with that and forget my query. She then said she was ‘sick of it and we were over’. Initially I felt she was just stressed, but she then followed this up with texts saying, “We don’t want your Xmas presents either!” I said well could you let me know how your daughter is with which she responded with, “I will let her father know!”

A few days later at work, I tried to talk to her, but she maintained it was over so I backed off. Ironically I was leaving the organisation as I decided that having a relationship at work was not ideal and as she had been there longer than me and it fitted her childcare situation I decided it was better for me to leave.

At the Xmas work party (last time I would have seen her as I was leaving the following day and she did not work that day), I left and just said goodbye to her in a collective sense as she was talking to others. As I walked down the steps she ran after me and said, “Is that all you are going to say?” Not long after she text me saying it will be weird I am not there and we agreed to go on a walk after my leaving party. On the walk she was cold and indifferent so wasn’t sure why she even went and just prior to walking she said, we still don’t want the Xmas presents.

Now, just before I left I sent an email thanking everyone and in it I also said I may have met my future partner in the organisation. Most people knew we were seeing each other anyway. As a result of this she had to field questions when she returned to work and I did not tell her. I did this because she was annoyed I denied her at work so I wanted to demonstrate I no longer had to. However she was fuming and said to ‘never contact her gain forever’. Having explained via email my rationale as she refused to take calls, she started texting me.

From the period (end of Dec 2017 until Feb 2018) we were texting daily, but she still refused to meet or accept calls. The texting was all over the place and some days she was kind and appeared to demonstrate interest still, whereas other days she would cite all the things I did wrong (how I pushed her away from the start and did not make her feel special or that I even liked her, but then in the next breath she would state how she knows I love her?).

It was exhausting trying to work it all out and after one day where she sent one negative text after another and then alluded to going out inferring she was meeting someone, I suggested we have some space. This resulted in her saying, “I would never hear from her again and she was now blocking me” True to her word I never heard from her since. I sent a few friendly letters during the month of Feb to Mar 2018 explaining how I wanted to work it out and how I did care for her, even injecting some humour,  but she never responded. I sent a final closure letter and included a drawing of her pet. I just said I would respect her wishes and not make further contact, but if she was ever to change her mind then she knows where I am. This resulted in her contacting the cops and I received a phone call a few days later from them just advising that she wanted a clean break and it would be wise not to write further as it could end up in legal terrain. Needless to say I could ill afford any legal ramifications for my career. So I immediately went no contact.

But the thing is I miss her terribly and cannot understand what changed. She was so intense and loving and making plans and then she switched into someone I did not recognise.  It looks like she is now dating someone else so the situation is hopeless I guess. I treated her well in my opinion and really loved her. The pain of separation is nothing like I have experienced before and I was in two very long-term relationships and still remain good friends with both these exes. I have never been blocked out of someone’s life before. What adds insult to injury is that I feel I cannot return to the place where we worked together and a person I got on with really well there has not returned my email so I suspect my character has been possibly sullied, although I have no actual confirmation of this. I was a manager there.

I am still left flummoxed whilst she has skipped onto the next person. My sleep patterns have been affected, appetite loss, irritability and a sense of gloom fills me. Prior to this I was such a happy character and loved our time together. I don’t know if I am having an overreaction, but have never felt like this before so have no comparative benchmark sadly. The separation can get so intense that I feel I still need to reach out to her, but given she is now dating I feel this would be futile and more to the point, I don’t think she would hesitate in contacting the police again as she has already demonstrated this. I know she has threatened her previous ex this way.

I am at a real loss as to what to do. It is four months since I had contact with her and then it was only her telling me she was blocking me. If anything the pain is getting worse. My ex partners have been quite clear that I should not reach out to her and I get that, but it’s so painful just watching her move on whereas I am stuck. But I see little options open to me if I’m honest. I think it’s the lack of understanding, lack of proper closure and being completely blocked which makes it all the more painful notwithstanding the humiliation of a phone call from the police. I genuinely feel traumatised and in essence we only dated a year, but it just felt so intense and we shared our innermost secrets and had such passion. She would even cry saying it was because she loved me so much. I still want her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

You are perplexed as to why you are not recovering from this relationship ending when in the past you had two relationships that ended and you are still friends with these two ex girlfriends. I cannot give you all the reasons why you are in so much distress over how this relationship ended. I can just float out a few ideas, and please take any of these ideas if they make sense and reject any or all of them that just don't seem relevant, as you are the expert on you and how you experience your relationships.
I think that perhaps you are the person taking the full responsibility for the problems in the relationship and your ex dumped on you all her uncomfortable feelings, and you are still dealing with so much toxic blame being placed on your shoulders. It might help to try to sort out which feelings are yours and which are hers, while taking into consideration that any black and white feelings are not likely true, as most situations are rarely the fault of one person. It takes two to tango.
You might want to contrast this relationship with your two other relationships, and think about what makes you feel so differently and how is that you are still friends with two exes.
Try to take some quiet time and notice what you feel in your body when you think of this relationship. Can you name the feelings that come up? No bad feelings will last forever if you periodically sit with them and let them leave when better feelings appear.
Take care, and let us know how we can help. Keep us posted, as there are many people who post on this site who are/have been in similar situations to yours.
 

[juju2]

Hi,

Have been separated for over one year, my story is here, it is so hard.  The love i have for him doesnt go away.

Sometimes the missing of him gets lessened, as i get more involved w my life.
Ultimately, i have done everything possible, and now, its out of my hands.  I have given up, am powerless over his choices.  It feels better actually to give up.  I didnt think it would feel better.

I pulled back, energetically, emotionally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and any other way possible.

Keep posting here.  This is a caring place.
j