Lonely at this time in life?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi folks,

My dBPDw chose to leave our family about 10 months ago.  It was very unexpected. Through the years, she threatened divorce more times than I can remember.  She’d frequently, “rage,” and tell me that she, “never loved me, could never love me,” and that, “marrying me was the worst mistake of her life.”  She’d get in the car and return a few hours later, acting as if nothing unusual had happened.  The first time was just a few months into our marriage and I thought she was telling me that our marriage was over and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  It took several weeks for me to realize she expected me to forget what she had said and done.  Every time through the years, it was always the same.  I always had a hard time understanding why she didn’t apologize or even acknowledge she said something harmful to a relationship.
 
We had kids and each has been severely impacted by her words and actions.  They’ve experienced  mental and physical ailments.  When my dBPw decided to leave several months ago, I had mixed emotions.  On one hand, I was felt fortunate that I didn’t have to deal with her and continue to walk on eggshells.  On the other hand, we had been together for a long time and I still considered us married.  I’ve always felt that marriage vows are important, and I saw my wife’s illness as just that – an illness and I had promised to stay with her in, “sickness and in health.”

After she left, she spoke to an attorney about filing for divorce, but she doesn’t have the money to file right now.  She told friends that she didn’t want to go through the process of divorce without an attorney. 

During the past few months, I’ve realized that I’ve been lonely for a long time.  We were married, but we were just roommates for many years.  Now, I’m really feeling particularly lonely and wishing I had a relationship with someone without BPD or any other personality disorder.  When I was young, I thought I’d marry for life and have a great relationship with a spouse until death.

We’re not divorced, so I don’t feel comfortable dating until we are.  In my mind, there’s absolutely no possibility of reconciliation.  I don’t want to deal with her behavior again.  We haven’t spoken since she left.  I can’t afford an attorney right now myself.  A divorced daughter with health issues lives with me with her 3 children.  She receives some child support, but it’s not much and she’s not healthy enough to work right now.  She’d like to recover from her health problems and re-marry, but that could take time.

Now, I feel that too many years have passed, and I’m too old and battered to start a new relationship.  I still feel young inside, but my body isn’t what it was when my wife and I married.  The stress of living with that stress for so long has taken its toll and I don’t know how to date in today’s internet society.  In many ways, I feel like I’m destined to live out the rest of my life without companionship and I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life alone.

So, I’m not sure how to move on.  Perhaps others on this board have experienced similar events in your lives.  If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

Thanks!

Methos

[Methos]

Hi folks,

My dBPDw chose to leave our family about 10 months ago.  It was very unexpected. Through the years, she threatened divorce more times than I can remember.  She’d frequently, “rage,” and tell me that she, “never loved me, could never love me,” and that, “marrying me was the worst mistake of her life.”  She’d get in the car and return a few hours later, acting as if nothing unusual had happened.  The first time was just a few months into our marriage and I thought she was telling me that our marriage was over and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  It took several weeks for me to realize she expected me to forget what she had said and done.  Every time through the years, it was always the same.  I always had a hard time understanding why she didn’t apologize or even acknowledge she said something harmful to a relationship.
 
We had kids and each has been severely impacted by her words and actions.  They’ve experienced  mental and physical ailments.  When my dBPw decided to leave several months ago, I had mixed emotions.  On one hand, I was felt fortunate that I didn’t have to deal with her and continue to walk on eggshells.  On the other hand, we had been together for a long time and I still considered us married.  I’ve always felt that marriage vows are important, and I saw my wife’s illness as just that – an illness and I had promised to stay with her in, “sickness and in health.”

After she left, she spoke to an attorney about filing for divorce, but she doesn’t have the money to file right now.  She told friends that she didn’t want to go through the process of divorce without an attorney. 

During the past few months, I’ve realized that I’ve been lonely for a long time.  We were married, but we were just roommates for many years.  Now, I’m really feeling particularly lonely and wishing I had a relationship with someone without BPD or any other personality disorder.  When I was young, I thought I’d marry for life and have a great relationship with a spouse until death.

We’re not divorced, so I don’t feel comfortable dating until we are.  In my mind, there’s absolutely no possibility of reconciliation.  I don’t want to deal with her behavior again.  We haven’t spoken since she left.  I can’t afford an attorney right now myself.  A divorced daughter with health issues lives with me with her 3 children.  She receives some child support, but it’s not much and she’s not healthy enough to work right now.  She’d like to recover from her health problems and re-marry, but that could take time.

Now, I feel that too many years have passed, and I’m too old and battered to start a new relationship.  I still feel young inside, but my body isn’t what it was when my wife and I married.  The stress of living with that stress for so long has taken its toll and I don’t know how to date in today’s internet society.  In many ways, I feel like I’m destined to live out the rest of my life without companionship and I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life alone.

So, I’m not sure how to move on.  Perhaps others on this board have experienced similar events in your lives.  If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

Thanks!

Methos

[Tobiasfunke]

It can be very intimidating getting back out there. Dating apps and websites are a good way of meeting people. But believe it or not many of the people you meet up with have been through some very similar situations. We most gravitate to each other. I was in a relationship and marriage for 19 years. After my exBPD it took a long time to get going again. You will too once you are ready. Of the women I’ve become close with over the last couple years 2 have a very good understanding of this disorder. My friends ex husband and another’s mom both dx’d. Many very nice people  out there. Sometimes you’ll go out and talk about this stuff all night and sometimes you’ll go out and have a great day and it will never come up. You will work through it and be better able to help your daughter and grandkids. Grabbing a coffee and sharing a bottle of wine can be some of the best times when sharing our war stories. And no one rages at you so double bonus.

Have fun enjoying your new life and adventures in a healthy relationship

[Jeffree]

Methos,

I am very sorry for your sudden parting of ways with your STBx. I know exactly what you're talking about, the threats of divorce, the insults, the drama, then the sudden attempt to go on as if none of it happened while I am left reeling from the abuse... .right down to the 10 month mark and being single again later in life than I would have ever wanted.

My ex left last Aug. two weeks after I had called her out for having a hushed middle-of-the-night convo with some other guy while we were married and living in the same house, though in separate bedrooms.

I am finding online dating to be a silly exercise in futility and am now going to focus my efforts on being more nimble and engaging than ever out in public. Normally I am very shy and reserved, but the futility of online dating is forcing me to go beyond my comfort level socially. I do look forward to seeing what results from these efforts.

To each his or her own, but I haven't had any luck connecting with anyone in my area online dating.

J

[MeandThee29]

Very similar story here. Mine would talk divorce and then expect my full attention and devotion. It really messed with my mind.

I'm looking at this as a "married until I'm not" situation, but I can't foresee starting over again at this age anyway.

For now I'm filling my life with friends and my young adults who are commuter college students. A friend of mine was widowed last month, and we've been getting together more just to laugh and commiserate about tight budges and dealing with houses. I went out to dinner with friends Friday night and had a great time hearing about their grandchildren and trips they've gone on. My landlord came by this morning with the plumber. I hadn't met her yet, and we found a lot in common in the two hours it took to fix the issues I've been having.

For me, the key is to have positive relationships with people who are balanced and truly care. I have a lot of love in my life. I'm fortunate that I had a good support network all along, and they really have been there for me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Methos, It's normal to be anxious during the transition from "separated" to "divorced" and many people here fear the unknown, with good reason.  How long were you married before your recent separation?  I understand that it was her choice to leave, yet in a way maybe you were lucky after years of unhappiness that she forced the issue.  You have an advantage, in a sense, because you and your Ex have made a clean break, though I realize it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment.

I'm here to confirm that there is romantic life after marriage to a pwBPD.  Now is a good time to consider the type of person you are looking for if and when you decide to date again.  Maybe you could write down the qualities that are important to you in a romantic partner?  I've discovered that there are kind and considerate people out there.

Don't worry about dating in the "internet age."  Things haven't changed that much.  It still comes down to finding a person with whom you connect.

Keep us posted on your progress,
LuckyJim

[Insom]

Hi, Methos!  Allow me to join  Tobiasfunke,  Jeffree, MeandThee29 and Lucky Jim in letting you know you're not alone in feeling alone.  It's great you reached out here.  Acknowledging how you feel and that you want something more is an important first step toward changing this thing in your life you feel unsatisfied with.

We’re not divorced, so I don’t feel comfortable dating until we are.

It sounds like the lack of completion regarding your separation and divorce from your ex is holding you back.  Have you done any research to see what low cost divorce options are out there?  What do you see as the next step re: formalizing the dissolution of your marriage?

Is there another, intermediate step you can take between deciding to stay lonely, and entering a dating relationship?  How about friendship?  Is there a friend or acquaintance you already know that it'd feel good to spend more time around?