Will the lies ever end?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Unfortunately this morning I found out something very sh*tty again. Turns out that in one of the periods we were trying again, this was in January, (and in those periods we always agreed on it being exclusive and not being with anyone else! and he always said that was a given and of course he wouldn't!) he was on a dating app talking to a girl he dated in the past (and who has recently become my friend, so she only told me know) and saying to her that there was nothing going on between us. It hurts so much. This means it wasn't exclusive at all. That he lied to me. He probably was seeing other girls at the same time, if he was active on that dating app.

My first instinct is to confront him with it. To not let him get away with it AGAIN. But maybe it's better to just let it rest.

It just sucks. I can't believe how he could do that to me. It's so unfair and mean. Now I don't know if he was ever even faithful in the entire relationship. He can lie so easily.

[blooming]

Unfortunately this morning I found out something very sh*tty again. Turns out that in one of the periods we were trying again, this was in January, (and in those periods we always agreed on it being exclusive and not being with anyone else! and he always said that was a given and of course he wouldn't!) he was on a dating app talking to a girl he dated in the past (and who has recently become my friend, so she only told me know) and saying to her that there was nothing going on between us. It hurts so much. This means it wasn't exclusive at all. That he lied to me. He probably was seeing other girls at the same time, if he was active on that dating app.

My first instinct is to confront him with it. To not let him get away with it AGAIN. But maybe it's better to just let it rest.

It just sucks. I can't believe how he could do that to me. It's so unfair and mean. Now I don't know if he was ever even faithful in the entire relationship. He can lie so easily.

[Mutt]

Hi blooming

I’m sorry that that happened  Betrayal is tough. Does the friend have a reason to lie? If you press him he’s going to avoid telling you what happened by distracting you.

[blooming]

Hi blooming

I’m sorry that that happened  Betrayal is tough. Does the friend have a reason to lie? If you press him he’s going to avoid telling you what happened by distracting you.

No she doesn’t I think, and she sent me a screenshot as well so I know it happened. The screenshot didn’t have a date, but I don’t see why she would lie about the exact dates because she disn’t Know the exact moment me and him broke up again.

So maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to confront him? What do you think? Yesterday we had a pretty good conversation which gave me a little bit of closure, but it feels weird to be on friendly terms with him when I just found out about this.

[Mutt]

If you confront him are you validating your feelings about being betrayed or are you trying to get the truth from him or both? I think that the information that you have is enough to go on that he strayed. I think that there is a way to save yourself from a lot of stress and that's to not confront him or if you really feel the need to confront him maybe put it aside for awhile and do it when you're further along the healing path?

[EdR]

Hi Blooming! I really understand the urge to confront him, but please note what Cromwell and I wrote in your other thread.

You were already given a significant amount of closure measured by BPD standards. Every question you will now ask, every contact you will now initiate will only lead to more questions. The urge will keep on coming... .He could even start to become hurtful in his replies.

Those lies, those questions, they hurt. They hurt like hell. But I fear you just won't get any answers. Only answers that will lead to even more questions.

Please, protect yourself and try to fight this urge.

[Lady Itone]

Ugh. That sucks.

I say since you've already broken up, don't bother confronting. If he did it, you'll just fight with him and feel worse. And if he manages to convince you he didn't do it, what does that change? Nada.

I vote let it go, put your attention on your healing rather than on rehashing the relationship further.

[Cromwell]

Hi Blooming

Im sorry for this most recent shock and extra disappointment.

Before thinking about whether to confront him about this, Id be asking myself, regardless of the answer, is this a person I will ever trust again like I once did.

Even if my ex would own up to all the things I believe she has done, once that trust is gone, it is like a broken piece of porcelain, easy to break almost impossible to ever fix back to the way it once was.

[Shawnlam]

Unfortunately this morning I found out something very sh*tty again. Turns out that in one of the periods we were trying again, this was in January, (and in those periods we always agreed on it being exclusive and not being with anyone else! and he always said that was a given and of course he wouldn't!) he was on a dating app talking to a girl he dated in the past (and who has recently become my friend, so she only told me know) and saying to her that there was nothing going on between us. It hurts so much. This means it wasn't exclusive at all. That he lied to me. He probably was seeing other girls at the same time, if he was active on that dating app.

My first instinct is to confront him with it. To not let him get away with it AGAIN. But maybe it's better to just let it rest.

It just sucks. I can't believe how he could do that to me. It's so unfair and mean. Now I don't know if he was ever even faithful in the entire relationship. He can lie so easily.

Is a resurgence of bad emotions worth your time over (HIM)? Will confronting someone make the lies less of a lie? Is HE worth your show of pain?  He wins if you falter ,he never could do anything but lie .Although the primary dsm manual traits for BPD mention nothing about lieing ,it seems extremely prevalent in most cases.My ex lied so much it was easier to try and figure out when she told the truth than the opposite as it happened  rarely.When you have no sense of self , when you don’t love yourself , what’s a few lies everyday to him?
I know it’s maddening,betrayal,sadness, best to close that door and move on.Beinging it to his attention will not provide any more empathy than when he was betraying you live .My two cents

[blooming]

Thank you for all your responses.vI have decided to follow your advice and not act on this new information. It's hard though. To feel so betrayed. He makes me so sad and hollow.

[blooming]

Is a resurgence of bad emotions worth your time over (HIM)? Will confronting someone make the lies less of a lie? Is HE worth your show of pain?  He wins if you falter ,he never could do anything but lie .Although the primary dsm manual traits for BPD mention nothing about lieing ,it seems extremely prevalent in most cases.My ex lied so much it was easier to try and figure out when she told the truth than the opposite as it happened  rarely.When you have no sense of self , when you don’t love yourself , what’s a few lies everyday to him?
I know it’s maddening,betrayal,sadness, best to close that door and move on.Beinging it to his attention will not provide any more empathy than when he was betraying you live .My two cents

It's interesting though, do they realise themselves that they are insecure and do they just hide it extremely well? My ex always did his very best to come across as extremely confident. He is a really attractive guy and had no problem with female attention, which was something he always liked to point out to me. Telling me things that as soon as the girls at his Master's degree found out that he was single they started messaging him. Things like that. He's also always very judgmental about people, like he puts himself far above them.

[Cromwell]

It's interesting though, do they realise themselves that they are insecure and do they just hide it extremely well? My ex always did his very best to come across as extremely confident. He is a really attractive guy and had no problem with female attention, which was something he always liked to point out to me. Telling me things that as soon as the girls at his Master's degree found out that he was single they started messaging him. Things like that. He's also always very judgmental about people, like he puts himself far above them.

ive read up a bit on Lieing and superficial charm is more associated with sociopathy, narcissism.

He was quite nasty to you on the tinder app, for no apparent reason, then later apologised and put it down to "stress", (they always blame external factors for their behaviour, never themselves).

He could equally be highly critical due to being depressed, an aloof attitude above others as a defence against a feeling of being worthless, helpless or hopeless.

The point is none of that, or trying to attach a label to his behaviour - this is about what you want to tolerate. If your ok making constant excuses or trying to find them for him by psychiatrising his behaviour, its your choice but none of it "undos" what has already happened.

Its known in social psychology experiments that the only variable changing is having an attractive person, people trusted them more, wanted to do more for them. If you want to stop confusing yourself and see things how they are, the best you can do is observe behaviour and spoken words, look beyond the epidermis. Look beyond the mask.

[Shawnlam]

It's interesting though, do they realise themselves that they are insecure and do they just hide it extremely well? My ex always did his very best to come across as extremely confident. He is a really attractive guy and had no problem with female attention, which was something he always liked to point out to me. Telling me things that as soon as the girls at his Master's degree found out that he was single they started messaging him. Things like that. He's also always very judgmental about people, like he puts himself far above them.

People who are highly insecure will always try propping themselves up not for you, but for them.So to answer your question yes they are aware but not as a spectator watching themselves do it, more they know they feel off and this makes them feel better.My exGF was going on and on about all the offers she was getting at dinner last weekend , being a centered confident person again it bounced off me like rain water on duck.Once she realized her tactic of ( look at what you don’t have anymore are you jealous ) didn’t work she pivoted to something new like an ex bf conversation, etc etc.After a dozen solid attempts at getting reactions from me to no avail we then had a decent conversation on normal stuff when she saw it was going nowhere. If he is doing this to get a rise out of you no matter how minor it is and it works you can be sure he will continue.You would think they are doing this to hurt you but frankly they are doing this to feel better , when seen this way it’s more a sad thing to watch and I feel pity... .It can’t be easy to live in your own skin in such an uncomfortable way but sadly that’s the plaque of being borderline ... .Don’t take what he does personally and if you understand why he is doing it as he is doing it, you won’t care enough to react like you were attacked ,if anything he may see the pity you have for him in your eyes and decide best to change subject to something more amicable .I hope what I said makes sense and helps he feel better.