Blinded by the darkness, but slowly seeing the light

[Struggler123]

I remember when I first came to this forum, I was a but reluctant. I thought that by coming here I would become more obsessive about trying to crack the code of BPD. I read everything about it, read almost all kinds of books. At times I felt like, I was so interested in it, I lost my interest in my priorities. The real reasons why, I wasn’t ready to get engaged/married. In some ways, cultural issues do come into play, the girls get married earlier. Now the wrong kind of thinking was, the old me, this guy assumed that marriage is the fix to everything and my ex was just feeling insecure. I blamed myself because she went through so many measures, but I didn’t budge. It made me realize that what hurt me more was the fact that, I could not “please” her. This was an eye opener for me.  I went through all the phases denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. I would say my mind has accepted it, now just trying to remove the adverse effects that came with it. The problem was not the fact that she was getting married to someone else, the problem was that she made every intention to show me that, she got what she wanted. I was at wrong too, I allowed her to do so, because she would call or text and I’d think maybe things have changed, and this isn’t just an impulse. It became a mind game. I’m very empathetic about personality disorders and will continue to do so. I’ve never bashed my ex, nor will I because that indicates resentment. I will however say one thing, BPD’s will project their feelings good or bad onto you, when she was feeling hurt she would blame me, say I was reponsible and I could fix things. At the same time, the next day she would be too busy putting up pictures from the engagement, saying how she loves him. There was not a single place that the pictures were not uploaded, coincidence? I don’t think so. It was to indicate that, She made the right choice and she got it perfect. Was it to spark anger at me? Not on purpose I suppose, but she wanted me to get the message. I remember the night before she told me things were so right between us and it doesnt seem right with the new guy. It was at that moment I realized, another impuslive decision and it was back to normal the next day, when I told her she should do whats best for her and not ask me for advice because im not an expert in this field. Then my birthday came, and I try to always respond to everyone that wishes me because it indicates how they took out time from their busy day. But, it made me realize that this was not just to wish me, it was just to get some emotional validation and if not that, to show the display picture of her laughing with him yet again. It also made me feel insecure because I was comparing the new guy to myself, and it was wrong. Was I better? Sure, but that was the wrong kind of thinking, and indicated I was being bitter, she wanted him and thats that. It made me realize that being with someone that makes me jealous when theres no reason to be, is wrong on her part and my part. Moving on, I decided not to reply, and then she tried calling. At which point, I set the calls to do not disturb. I waited a couple of days, to finally change the locks on this door that should have been closed 2 months ago. I was making progress, but this was the only way to assure that, I would not have this rush of feelings. I did it, I finally did it, I blocked her on the final app, to make sure that this was closure for me. The next couple of days leading to her marriage would have been hard for me, so I took a decision myself and although I never messaged her, or called her, maybe this will allow me to heal faster. Thoughts?

[Insom]

Hi, Struggler123!

It sounds like your relationship with your ex was and is an emotionally intense one.  I can relate very much to the range of feelings you've described from self-blame to insecurity.

I did it, I finally did it, I blocked her on the final app, to make sure that this was closure for me. The next couple of days leading to her marriage would have been hard for me, so I took a decision myself and although I never messaged her, or called her, maybe this will allow me to heal faster. Thoughts?

Congrats on taking what sounds like a big step toward protecting yourself from unwanted emotional noise.  How are you feeling today?

[Struggler123]

Hi, Struggler123!

It sounds like your relationship with your ex was and is an emotionally intense one.  I can relate very much to the range of feelings you've described from self-blame to insecurity.

Congrats on taking what sounds like a big step toward protecting yourself from unwanted emotional noise.  How are you feeling today?

It was an emotional rollcoaster, everytime I would try to walk away I would be baited somehow and I would be stupid enough to think, “okay after this time time, I will do this.” Ultimately, I would ignore everything and it just made me realize that I was no longer responsible for her. I’ve just been sleeping a bit more than usual other than that, I do feel better. I think part of my problem was being fixated for longer than I should have. And at every stage, it was almost as I was third person that was always kept around for insurance, and I no longer wanted to be this person. I just wanted to be my own person, no comparisons and I wish her the best, but its time I do whats best for me. I tried the normal closures, and i’m sure one day she may or may not understansd, but this is no longer my responsibility, its someone elses.

[Cromwell]

Hi Struggler

emotions aside, look at the behaviour. Is this really marriage material?

but shes doing a good job of trying to paint it as so. The hopeful result? Get you jealous and therefore more interested in her - chasing her.

If this guy was so good, why would she bother contacting you - hardly the hallmark of someone truly happy in their new relationship.

its all about the chase, my ex would cheat on me then be surprised why I wanted to split up. Thats what kept the "r/s" going. Im glad I went elsewhere when I split up (with her friends) because looking back, it was the emotionally healthy thing to do. Yet it had the effect of making her more interested in me. Another one of the traits "wanting unavailable partners" or words to that effect.

how are you feeling nowadays?

my answer to your last line is, from my own experience, nothing short of a decisive clean break and not going back on it, is what worked the best. First with the complete ghosting NC, I did start to get better, if I hadnt of got back in contact I think I would have been over it by now. Regardless, thats 2 weeks of not replying to her text, deleting her number and never looking at her social media, I feel like ive squared her away as an emotional problem that needed solved, but took time to find the way.

youve been hurt by all this yet youve done a lot to prevent and protect yourself from the very high likelihood of new hurt.

thats the way I look at it, when digging a hole stop digging. The deeper you go before realising, the harder to climb back out.

If you did all this research to find out why you werent good enough for her, I can say that it was in vain (for that purpose), your resistance to getting drawn back in is a sign of strength she will have noticed and that - if anything - is what makes you less desirable. I was very vulnerable state of life when I met my ex, It had the subsequent effect of keeping me down, eroding my self esteem from how low it already was at that point - despite being on a track to get better. In short, she couldnt have came into my life at a worse time and what I "felt" id met the "one" who would synergisticaly move forward, it was just a hindrance and a combining of two dysfunctionals. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

As WM quoted "when someone reveals themselves, believe them the first time"

i would have been spared a huge amount of hurt if idve made a clean break at the first sign of her antics, but like many I was already deep into the emotional enmeshment. i hope you get to the day where you can shrug this off as having unwittingly got yourself in r/s with BPD, got over it and been strong enough once recognised it for what it is - not to have willingly returned to what has caused you pain. It makes no sense beyond some self-deception that it will be "better next time round".

her contacting you should be enough to sweep away all those feelings of self doubt, your not playing to her game is a big bonus point to showing her up. in short, she played her cards wrong - this time - in a game that she has no doubt played before and besides a bit of fine tuning, she is destined to continue and in the process, sabotaging (subconsciously) any chance of real meaningful relationships.

the pictures she has posted tormented you - easy solution - dont look at them. she causes you to feel confused and unhappy during phone calls - easy solution - dont speak to her.

beyond that its a case of time and the memories fading as you get on with new direction in your life, feed your mind with something else, anything else that is beneficial and not hurtful. I tend to wake up nowadays and if i think about my ex, its because she still has my number and i have anxiety if i will get a message. So my sim is getting changed and thats the end of it. anxiety of what sort of insanity "might" come or will it be sweet enticing messages of adoration - which - i dont even fully believe anymore anyway. A lot of the posts of trying to figure out whats going on is just exactly that - stuff not making any sense. The simple answer is, if something doesnt make sense then its because its BS.

youll get through this struggler, ive taken a lot of my own strength from your posts. I see my ex as akin to someone id hire for a job, on appearance they seemed the most perfect candidate, then a few months later you realise you made the biggest mistake and hadnt checked into their background. ok, the added difference is an emotional involvement - a big difference - but the solution is still ultimately the same. fire straight away to avoid more damage than already caused.

Her posting those pictures is just adding an insult to injury. You really dont need that sort of person in your life, you didnt know better until having learned the true magnitude of her disorder - you do now. You didnt fail in "rescuing" her either, staying away is recognised as the best you could have done, how else will she learn, or at least, get to a stage of getting professional help. About 2 years into the r/s after all I had done and put up with my ex told me she became more mentally unwell being with me! Those sort of "thank yous" for doing literally everything I could have realistically done, is what to expect. Maybe it was just a cue for me to start lavishing her with more gifts and attention.

every day was just a new level of bizareness to figure out, all of that cumulates over time until your stuck in a maze of your own thoughts. The trick is to not allow yourself to get into that at all, have the confidence to know that you did all that was reasonable with good intentions, and any comments are either plain manipuation or just the ramblings of an insane person. ie, complete shrug them off and dont entertain them for one moment of trying to psycho-analyse stuff that probably had no real meaning to it from your ex in the first place. ie, her thoughts change on a dime and are not representative of any long held belief pattern.

[Struggler123]

Hi Struggler

emotions aside, look at the behaviour. Is this really marriage material?

but shes doing a good job of trying to paint it as so. The hopeful result? Get you jealous and therefore more interested in her - chasing her.

If this guy was so good, why would she bother contacting you - hardly the hallmark of someone truly happy in their new relationship.

its all about the chase, my ex would cheat on me then be surprised why I wanted to split up. Thats what kept the "r/s" going. Im glad I went elsewhere when I split up (with her friends) because looking back, it was the emotionally healthy thing to do. Yet it had the effect of making her more interested in me. Another one of the traits "wanting unavailable partners" or words to that effect.

how are you feeling nowadays?

my answer to your last line is, from my own experience, nothing short of a decisive clean break and not going back on it, is what worked the best. First with the complete ghosting NC, I did start to get better, if I hadnt of got back in contact I think I would have been over it by now. Regardless, thats 2 weeks of not replying to her text, deleting her number and never looking at her social media, I feel like ive squared her away as an emotional problem that needed solved, but took time to find the way.

youve been hurt by all this yet youve done a lot to prevent and protect yourself from the very high likelihood of new hurt.

thats the way I look at it, when digging a hole stop digging. The deeper you go before realising, the harder to climb back out.

If you did all this research to find out why you werent good enough for her, I can say that it was in vain (for that purpose), your resistance to getting drawn back in is a sign of strength she will have noticed and that - if anything - is what makes you less desirable. I was very vulnerable state of life when I met my ex, It had the subsequent effect of keeping me down, eroding my self esteem from how low it already was at that point - despite being on a track to get better. In short, she couldnt have came into my life at a worse time and what I "felt" id met the "one" who would synergisticaly move forward, it was just a hindrance and a combining of two dysfunctionals. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

As WM quoted "when someone reveals themselves, believe them the first time"

i would have been spared a huge amount of hurt if idve made a clean break at the first sign of her antics, but like many I was already deep into the emotional enmeshment. i hope you get to the day where you can shrug this off as having unwittingly got yourself in r/s with BPD, got over it and been strong enough once recognised it for what it is - not to have willingly returned to what has caused you pain. It makes no sense beyond some self-deception that it will be "better next time round".

her contacting you should be enough to sweep away all those feelings of self doubt, your not playing to her game is a big bonus point to showing her up. in short, she played her cards wrong - this time - in a game that she has no doubt played before and besides a bit of fine tuning, she is destined to continue and in the process, sabotaging (subconsciously) any chance of real meaningful relationships.

the pictures she has posted tormented you - easy solution - dont look at them. she causes you to feel confused and unhappy during phone calls - easy solution - dont speak to her.

beyond that its a case of time and the memories fading as you get on with new direction in your life, feed your mind with something else, anything else that is beneficial and not hurtful. I tend to wake up nowadays and if i think about my ex, its because she still has my number and i have anxiety if i will get a message. So my sim is getting changed and thats the end of it. anxiety of what sort of insanity "might" come or will it be sweet enticing messages of adoration - which - i dont even fully believe anymore anyway. A lot of the posts of trying to figure out whats going on is just exactly that - stuff not making any sense. The simple answer is, if something doesnt make sense then its because its BS.

youll get through this struggler, ive taken a lot of my own strength from your posts. I see my ex as akin to someone id hire for a job, on appearance they seemed the most perfect candidate, then a few months later you realise you made the biggest mistake and hadnt checked into their background. ok, the added difference is an emotional involvement - a big difference - but the solution is still ultimately the same. fire straight away to avoid more damage than already caused.

Her posting those pictures is just adding an insult to injury. You really dont need that sort of person in your life, you didnt know better until having learned the true magnitude of her disorder - you do now. You didnt fail in "rescuing" her either, staying away is recognised as the best you could have done, how else will she learn, or at least, get to a stage of getting professional help. About 2 years into the r/s after all I had done and put up with my ex told me she became more mentally unwell being with me! Those sort of "thank yous" for doing literally everything I could have realistically done, is what to expect. Maybe it was just a cue for me to start lavishing her with more gifts and attention.

every day was just a new level of bizareness to figure out, all of that cumulates over time until your stuck in a maze of your own thoughts. The trick is to not allow yourself to get into that at all, have the confidence to know that you did all that was reasonable with good intentions, and any comments are either plain manipuation or just the ramblings of an insane person. ie, complete shrug them off and dont entertain them for one moment of trying to psycho-analyse stuff that probably had no real meaning to it from your ex in the first place. ie, her thoughts change on a dime and are not representative of any long held belief pattern.

Hello Cromwell, this isn’t marriage material. I remember before I met her, I was very specific on the things I wanted in a girl, and even when I saw some red flags, I ignored them. I thought, these negative things will fade away. I didn’t know, I’d fall flat on my face with all this baggage. It’s for this very reason, I think that my ex was a great person when she wanted to be, but the BPD was something I couldn’t remove. I gave it my all, even somethings could have been handled differently yet; I still went a long with them, even though I felt uncomfortable. It’s funny because I remember once telling her that i’m not a jealous or angry person. If something or someone makes me feel angry, I will walk away from it. She was like so when I get angry at you, what will you do? I was like try to make you feel better but if that doesn’t work, go out for a little bit and come back when your ready. At which point she was like why wouldnt you fight with me and argue with me? I was like because thats not the environment I see in the future. It’s almost as if I supressed all the bad things because I was so busy trying to be the fixer. I know I’ll be one tough act to follow, and I hope that someday she will understand.  You took the words right out of my mouth, thats exactly what I told myself, if this new person was so good why contact me.  You did the right thing by isolating yourself.  I’m feeling a bit better, dreams are fading, but I have a difficult time waking up early. Trying to motivate myself asap so I can concentrate on my career, haven’t went out the couple of days.  The hole was just getting bigger and bigger and I couldn’t take any more of it. As soon as I’d feel confident, she would rub it in one way or another and I needed to step away. You reminded me of the time she asked me why I won’t stop her from marrying the new guy and I was like we make our own decisions, I decided to be in a relationship with you, just like you decided you get with the new guy now its for you to decide. I hope you figure it out. Honestly, the anxiety isnt worth it, if its one thing I can tell you. I would wake up constantly in the middle of the night to answer her phone calls, and even in the morning. I was never able to sleep in, and I think thats part of the reason I’m sleeping more now a days and that anxiety reduced is actually a good feeling. It’s like everything was a compeition, “Why don’t you call me at 5 am, I always make time for you.” “I was sleeping but sure... .”  Wickerman made a good point, its just us that took so long to realize it. In a way, I think that sometimes we need to experience this, just to become the best version of ourselves. I’m really grateful that you were able to help me in my time of need. You, shawn, Skip, Once Removed and numerous others, showed me that sometimes its best to walk away. I also realized if she really wanted to be friends, I gave her numerous opportunities, when we would break up and get back together but at that point she was not ready for it. In some ways, I feel like it was all a game and whatever happens from this point forward she will be responsible for it not me and thats something I can live with. In no way do I compare situations, but your ex loved the idea of compeition and thats what made it so thrill seeking. I know, if I tell my ex lets get married, she would a)end things right then and there with him. Then a couple of months later end it with me. B)Tell me its too late, and i’m just doing this now that she got someone and then charm over me some more. Thank you for the brilliant advice, just know that you were the strength of someone that was at an all time low at one point and I hope that you never lose that strength. I think im slowly accepting that nothing makes sense with my ex anymore, she doesn’t even know what she wants and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. Its hard, to accept that it really is over but its the best thing for me. The constant stress of telling her, I’m not ready for marriage was taking a toll on me for far too long. Thank you Cromwell, for everything. Your advice always played a major role in my recovery.

[Insom]

it just made me realize that I was no longer responsible for her.

Bingo! 

it was almost as I was third person that was always kept around for insurance, and I no longer wanted to be this person. I just wanted to be my own person, no comparisons

Nice job, Struggler123!  It sounds like you've done some deep thinking about what matters to you in a relationship.  Would you say that that feeling valued for who you are is important to you?

[Struggler123]

Bingo! 

Nice job, Struggler123!  It sounds like you've done some deep thinking about what matters to you in a relationship.  Would you say that that feeling valued for who you are is important to you?

It took some time, I do miss the image I have of her because she really could be the smartest person in the world, but yet so stupid when it came to her impulses. It wasn’t her fault, but it was her fault thinking that i would plead and beg for her come back. 2 years is a long time, but all it took was 2 days to throw it away. I personally dont blame her for the decision,  but I do think that throwing salt in the form of unhealed wounds with pictures, and constantly comparisons, and blaming me in the form of passive aggressiveness was hurtful and wrong. I’ve had to break up with girlfriends in the past, but after I did. I respected their decisions if they didnt want to be in contact with me. I still wish them a happy birthday, and if I see them I engage in short conversations, but I never tell them like hey listen see this is what your missing out on, i’m not the type of person to flaunt my girlfriends. I think that everyone needs time to heal, and thats their right. I guess in a way this is a reason, we were still friends. With my ex, I tried several times to be friends, but she wanted everything at her own pace and now when shes practically married, she expects me to be at her side, which I think is pretty selfish. Considering the fact that I explicitly stated that i’m not over it. At which point, it just became overwhelming, and I decided to just walk away. I think if I don’t value myself, no one will value me. My self worth comes from me, and the energy that I bring to the table, and no one can take that away unless I allow them too. Yes, I read everything about BPD, yes I tried to make things work, but sorry, I couldn’t bind it by a ring, because I needed to see if through the turmoil how strong she could be own her own. And I was right, if I had told her to wait she wouldn’t have done it, and if she did, she wouldn’t have changed her perspectives of whats right and whats wrong. As spiteful as this may sound, if she can do this to me, I wonder what it would have been like if I was getting married to her. Truth is stranger than fiction.