Intro: At my wits end

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi... .I am a 60 year old woman with a sister who has, IMO, BPD.   This has been going on for as long as I remember and I am at my wits end.  My mother spends all of her emotional resources on the BP (who she thinks might have a touch of OCD) and disparages me constantly, essentially saying that the BP would not have to do and say those things if only I was nicer to her.  I have finally put my foot down and said that, as far as my sister is concerned I am out (this was after a series of texts saying that my father sexually abused her for years, which he didn't and that my mom made her urinate in religious statutes.   I know her and this was a bid for attention... .her stories become more outlandish every year to bring all attention on her... .she has "had" Aids, Lupus, cancer, kidney disease, etc.)   I am going to visit my mom next week and am preparing for severing that relationship if she refuses to acknowledge my boundaries with my sister.   Has anyone else ever cut ties with their entire family in order to get away from the BD?

[dogma]

Hi... .I am a 60 year old woman with a sister who has, IMO, BPD.   This has been going on for as long as I remember and I am at my wits end.  My mother spends all of her emotional resources on the BP (who she thinks might have a touch of OCD) and disparages me constantly, essentially saying that the BP would not have to do and say those things if only I was nicer to her.  I have finally put my foot down and said that, as far as my sister is concerned I am out (this was after a series of texts saying that my father sexually abused her for years, which he didn't and that my mom made her urinate in religious statutes.   I know her and this was a bid for attention... .her stories become more outlandish every year to bring all attention on her... .she has "had" Aids, Lupus, cancer, kidney disease, etc.)   I am going to visit my mom next week and am preparing for severing that relationship if she refuses to acknowledge my boundaries with my sister.   Has anyone else ever cut ties with their entire family in order to get away from the BD?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 

Having a family member with BPD or traits of BPD is difficult to say the least.  I can see how your sister's stories are very upsetting.  Even more upsetting is the fact that your mother seems to be taking sides.  It is not uncommon for family members to ask or expect the more healthy sibling to keep the peace and be the 'bigger person'.  We hear about that a lot here.  It is unfortunate because it often means limiting or ending contact not just with the pwBPD but also with the other family members as you are considering. 

Families work as a system and anytime one member changes their role, like you having boundaries with your sister, the balance is thrown off and the remaining family will act to return things to normal once again (like your mom).  It is frustrating and can be very isolating as well.  We have had people post here who cut off their entire family when things became too difficult and unhealthy so you are not alone.  We have also had people choose to limit their contact with all family while implementing boundaries.  Whatever you choose, we can support you and help guide you along the way.

What would you like to say to your mother in hopes she can see your position with your sister?  We can help you strategize and plan what you can say if you would like to talk about it.

[HappyChappy]

Has anyone else ever cut ties with their entire family in order to get away from the BD?

Hi Dogma,

Sounds like you have given getting on with your sister a good go, so now you have the choice of Low Contact (LC) or No Contact (NC). But from what you're saying NC is needed for your own sanity right now. But it also sounds like your mother is an enabler of your BPD sisters behaviour. This is quiet natural, a BPD cultivates enablers. But here in may lie an issue. When I went NC with my brother, my BPD mother went all out to try and get us to meet, including lying about him not being at events. So be aware of this.

I fell ill with C-PTSD so had little choice but to go NC suddenly. In retrospect, had my health allowed, I would probably have faded to grey. No announcement needed, just become slowly less reactive to their messages until you stop responding. This is because abandonment it a BPD greatest fear. When I suddenly stopped, they threw everything at me - including two waisted trips to the hospital etc... etc... If it happens gradually, the hope is they will gradually replace the narcisstic supply the get from your with something else. Harder to do all of a sudden. BPD tend to isolate their partners and children, so all you are doing is returning the favour. Just come up with polite reasons you can't do this or that.

The other advantage of fading to grey, is you may find LC works, or that you may want to reverse the process with no one being none the wiser. Does any of that help ? Do you have a planned escape yet ? Would taking a weeks holiday help ?

[Overwhelmedabit]

Sounds like an awful situation for you and certainly you have been dealing with it for a long time. My daughter is like this - she’s 26 and now I’m raising her son alone as a single working person at almost 60. I know your pain because all family relationships can be totaled as a result of the mental illness. It goes against everything as a mother to detach from your child and it’s not so much an option for me. But in your case, as harsh as it sounds, I would go as low contact as possible and protect and be kind to myself - because it sure sounds like you’re not getting a lot of kindness anywhere else! Hugs and best of luck!

[dogma]

Thank you all for your replies; it helps to know I'm not alone.  I actually had lunch with a friend yesterday who, as it turns out, has a sociopathic father who she cut ties with 20 years ago.  We ended up talking for about 3 hours and it was really cathartic. 

Harri... .you asked what I would like to say to my mom.   I actually said what I feel I needed to say a couple of weeks ago... .I told her what I've been going through for the past 35 years and how I live in constant stress:  when my phone rings or I get a text, I panic, thinking it might be my sister, etc.  I told her I was 100% done and that, if she couldn't respect that, it might be time to step back from the whole family for awhile because my mental health was suffering.  I am going back to see my mom (sister will not be there) next week so, hopefully, she will abide by that.

HappyChappy... .I have been in Low Contact mode for 15 years.  I even went No Contact for two (blissful) years about 7-8 years ago but was sucked back in by tears and pleading by both mother and sister.   I am now insisting on No Contact again.  I'm so sorry that your mother sabotaged you like that; talk about destroying trust.  I don't think my mom would do that, at least not at this juncture.   It should be noted that I am about 1500 miles away from my sister and 2000 from my mom so I don't have to overly worry about any unannounced 'pop ins'

Overwhelmedabit... .how wonderful that you were able to step in and give your grandson a chance at a normal life.   I know my sister's children had a lot of chaos and craziness growing up and that they are still dealing with it, particularly the youngest one. Also, I understand that to sever ties with your child would be almost impossible; biologically, that is not how we are made.  I know that is part of my mom's reluctance to accept the truth about her daughter.   And, yes, as mentioned above, I am trying to go entirely No Contact with the sister: I am just hopeful that my mom will tolerate, if not support, this.

Hopefully, next week goes as smoothly as possible.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome dogma, 

How wonderful that you have a kindred soul with which to communicate! Seems as if they can be rare to find, a treasure when we do.  I'm so glad. You'll also find many kindred spirits here as well, a whole big group who understand. Come and read and post and share. You'll find comfort for yourself and offer it for others too.

Have you read any helpful books about BPD? If so, I'd be interested in hearing about them.

I like what has been shared with you so far, and especially the thought that as the dynamics shift and change, you'll find the whole system upset. It's okay though. It's time to dance to different music, and you've changed up the song that's playing. Good for you. 

Wools

[HappyChappy]

I am trying to go entirely No Contact with the sister: I am just hopeful that my mom will tolerate, if not support, this.

Hopefully, next week goes as smoothly as possible.

Sounds like a plan. It does sound like you have this mostly figured this out and have a good understanding of BPD. Hopefully your mother is of an age and distance away to go along with this. Best of luck. 

[Harri]

Hello.  I just wanted to pop in and see how things are going.  Have you made your visit with your mother yet?  Let us know how things go (or went).  We are listening.

Take care