Husband feels " alone" and unloved in spite of my desperately trying to win him

[eggshellfiancee]

My husband has not been sleeping in the room with me for almost two months. It's miserable. He initialy was mad over a money issue, then I did some work to rectify it but then he was mad that I had waited for him to prompt me to recitfy it - an understandable complaint, but now that that's solved, he is still distant and seeks out every opportunity to point out that I don't love him. I avoid fighting him on this because it only makes things worse, but I have no clue what else to do.

I've googled every tip on how to make your husband feel loved possible, and I do ALL of those things, and yet he texted mt his morning that he's still waiting on me to become a "wife" and not just a roomate. I have no clue what else to do.

I write him little notes and leave them around the apartment. I ensure that he has his favorite foods and drinks in the house at all times. I tell him I love him at least a few times a day in person. I thank him and compliment him for doign even the most basic things like washing the dishes (a chore only he does anyway at his request - he doesnt like the way I wash them), taking out trash, etc. If we have an event we are both going to, I try to work out the details so he doesnt have to worry about them.

I feel like I'm doing 100x the work to make this marrige work, yet eveyr day he tells me how he shows up as a husband and I am not doing my part as a wife. He does make more money than me and we are on his health insurance, and his retirement plan is better - all things he points out to remind me he is "doing his job," but as far as all of the other little things - i work more hours than he does, i commute and he works from home, and yet I still try to manage all of the household tasks. It's exhausting. I never complain though. Ever. As a matter of fact, he regularly thanks me for not being naggy or bitchy. But then he'll say "the same trait that allows me to not be nagged is the trait that keeps you from being open to me in general." 

I validate the hell out of him, and just work to overcome, but he keeps telling me that it's my fault he's sleeping in the other room and that I should be throwing myself at him trying to win him back. I feel like I am, but he says I'm not, and I'm literally at my whits end

one of his most receptive ways to communicate love is through physical touch/intimacy, but he has asked me not to initiate any physical contact at all until he has said it's okay because that's how m ad he is at me. Prior to this he complaiend that I didn't initiate ENOUGH.  How am I supposed to show him i love him when he has barred me from his primary love language? And on the rare occasion he does try to get physical with me in these last couple of months, he will stop himself a few seconds in and say "no, I dont want you getting the impression everything is okay"

Any pointers on how to proceed? I just want my husband back, but he says he never even had a wife so he doesn't know what I think I'm missing.

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[isilme]

 

Hello eggshellfiancee.

I think I've heard everything you've been told, myself. 

Don't touch me!  You don't initiate touch!  I don't feel loved, do more!  You should know to do things before I mention that you should do them!  And Wow the roommate comment, ugh.  And nagging - I never nag.  But he claims it's not because I choose not to, it's because he won't stand for it.   

I've googled every tip on how to make your husband feel loved possible, and I do ALL of those things, and yet he texted mt his morning that he's still waiting on me to become a "wife" and not just a roomate. I have no clue what else to do.

Here's the thing.  You CAN'T make someone feel loved.  You can offer it, they have to choose to accept it. 

Often the things we are accused of are only part of what is making the pwBPD upset.  They can't process being upset.  They usually have to push it all off onto someone else, so they can feel release, so they can feel blameless.  As the person cloeset to them, we are a sort of appendage that belongs to them, is part of them (in their mind) but that can handle all the negative emotions they can't.  I dunno, a surrogate amygdala or something. 

So - recognize what IS your doing and what is NOT.  You can't control things that are not your doing.  Recognize what you can do and can't do to keep harmony, and how much of the responsibility you can and feel you should pick up.  Like you, I do a HUGE amount of the housekeeping and "adulting' as far as bill paying, car maintenance, scheduling, trip planning, driving even.  I do it mostly though because making sure its done makes ME feel better.  I'd rather have a little stress up front than be blindsided by finding H "forgot" to pay a bill or something.  I like to do taxes the day all the W2s come in and I have the paperwork all ready, like in February.  He's a wait-till-April-14th person.  His procrastination and avoidance make me stressed, and so do his lackadaisical ideas of cleaning, so for my OWN sanity, I have taken on cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc. 

Sometimes BPD does make it feel like you are roommates.  But I think all marriages can feel this way in stressful times.  I try to live as if H could come or go any minute and I'd be able to keep moving along.  That way, if he has a fit, or doesn't want to communicate with me for any period of time, I can still keep our house going until it passes.

Not trying to pry, but is there more than the money issue that could be happening at the same time, keeping him from getting past this current dysregulation period?  How is he when things are not this strained?  How has his work been?  Yours?  Friend or family-related stress?  Holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays coming up?  Have you seen any pattern to what can set him off, and how long he takes to come back to baseline?  I still get surprised by an outburst and the follow up silent treatment sulking and then the deep depths of depression that can follow.  All of the things I listed above are "yellow alerts" for me to try to validate and be ready to get out of the house if I need to diffuse an argument by not being there for it.  Sometimes it skips straight to red alert and I am stuck and wonder WTH happened.

Anyway, Just because he says it's your fault does not mean it is - he has disordered thoughts.  This is more about feelings in HIM, not about you.  I think at the most, he is in push mode, fighting engulfment, and so it may be good for you to try to the opposite of what you've been doing.  You've been in chase mode.  Stop.  Leave him be for a bit.  No more notes.  No attempts to touch (this one is hard for me), no attempts at more than necessary polite conversation.  NO pleading, no explaining, these are too close to JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain), which in itself is a form of invalidation.  I am not saying play hard to get or games.  I am just saying if someone is not wanting your company at the moment, don't seek it out.  It just wastes your time and makes you sad.  Be busy on your own.  Take care of things you want done, need done.  Make time to exercise or see friends if you can do such things.  Take care of you, give him a break to feel that he has succeeded and pushed you.  Don't rise to his barbs "you're not even being a wife".  He's trying to pick a fight so he can say YOU picked a fight.  Don't give it to him.  Don't accept his reality os reality. 

I hope this helps - 22 years into this myself, similar tactics from my H.   

[eggshellfiancee]

Thank you for your insightful response.

Work is very stressful for him right now. He has always been seen as smeone who is good at his job and has worked hard to be viewed that way, but he's under new management and the transition has made him feel like a failure.  Nevermind that I recently changed jobs and am struggling to adjust to my position - he doesnt even know that because he doesn't ask.

It's not that he doesn't want my company - quite the opposite actually - he begs me to send him signs of affection and spend time with him. I feel like I'm already doing that, thats the struggle. The moment I walk in the door each day I put my phone away and don't check it if he is in the room.  We sit together and watch television or have dinner together, and sometimes we'll go out - to a concert int he park, to have dinner or drinks with friends, etc. We have had a few good times in this stretch, but once we are at home and settled in for the evening, no matter how much fun we have had he sleeps int he other room and then blames me for it. I dont know what else to do at this point except to accept it as is. I even started learning to enjoy it because it took the pressure off, but then he blew up even more about me not trying.

[isilme]

but he's under new management and the transition has made him feel like a failure.  Nevermind that I recently changed jobs and am struggling to adjust to my position - he doesnt even know that because he doesn't ask.

Argh - this, too.  Very similar.  I am sorry!  His work stress always will outweigh mine, and years back I'd even been told he didn't want to hear about my work issues if I " wasn't going to yell at someone to fix them."  Now, I realize he simply cannot often handle worrying about his own job and feelings and then hear mine.  I will gladly listen if that helps

So, here's my next question.  After giving him space, trying to tentatively reach out and be rebuffed, have you more assertively just decided, "we are sleeping in the same bed, dammit" and just climbed in with him?  Not to initiate anything (unless you want to), but to affirm, "I am here, regardless of you being stubborn, I am here?"

Sometimes, H claims he wants space, and then holds it against me that HE was fussy and I did not fight past his fussiness.  I know you have been trying, but have you simply gone, climbed into bed, offered no other explanation and said good night?  "I'm tired of sleeping alone, and you won't come to me, so here I am.  I am not going to discuss it, it's late.  We can talk in the morning."

[eggshellfiancee]

He has told me the EXACT same thing at work. He says I shouldn’t. Put up with people who are difficult and he doesn’t want to hear about it unless I’ve stood up for myself. I’m a social worker, difficult people ARE my job.

I have tried similar things, not leaving when he’s begging me to leave for example, and he just gets more angry. I am at a loss.

Just now I came home and tried to address an issue we have been having because he texted me today that he was upset that I didn’t bring it up last night- namely the very issue this post is about. I walked in and he apologized for being. “Grumpy” and when I tried to address it he said “I told you I’m sorrt for being grumpy, stop sounding frustrated with me.” I was deliberately trying to address it nicely and without any frustration, but he wouldn’t even talk about it

[Radcliff]

It must be so saddening and frustrating to not be able to get close, and to work so hard and have it seem like it's not having an impact on the relationship.  isilme nailed it on the head, I think, that stress can exacerbate BPD symptoms. 

How much at risk do you think his job is?  Is the danger real, or more perceived?  Is there an opportunity for you, over time, to encourage him about work and help his confidence?  It's a tricky business because if he feels like you're trying too hard or your invalidating him (directly disagreeing with his perceptions of danger would not work well) things might not go well.  The trick is to first validate his emotions around his work worries.

How long have you been married?

WW

[Sofia35]

Eggshellfiance,

It is like I have written this post myself!
Im +12 years in a marriage with a BPD Husband but I only realized this a couple of weeks back.

I have all this time blamed myself and as you say, try to be a better wife for him to feel loved and appreciated. It has nothing to do with you.

It has been a few weeks since my husband spoke to me and this weekend he did a 180 turn. He now is acting like it never happened suggestion holiday destinations for us to go.

Im so emotionally exhausted. I just want to sleep.

You have to look at your situation and see if he is aware that he might be suffering from BPD and try to get him to seek help.

You are engaged. No children? I strongly suggest that you try to set boundaries as soon as possible if you want to continue to live with this man in your life. He will abuse you as long as you let him.

I really hope it works out for you!

With love Sofia

[eggshellfiancee]

The risk to his job is not real, it is perceived. He has a stable job and he really is one of the best at it. He overslep the other day, blamed it on me (I was home but didnt wake him up because I also wasnt paying attention to time), and then blew up about how he was going to get fired that day and it was all my fault. I knew he wouldnt get fired, probably not even reprimanded, but he perceived it as such.

We don't have any kids and have been married for five months. I didnt update my username once we got married. He is undiagnosed but I know this is what he has (I'm also a clinician myself so I have professional credentials that allow me to observe this behavior in a clinical perspective).  He at times will admit he doesnt understand why he feels things as deeply and wholly as he does, and says he wants help, but doesnt seek it.

[isilme]

The risk to his job is not real, it is perceived. He has a stable job and he really is one of the best at it. He overslep the other day, blamed it on me (I was home but didnt wake him up because I also wasnt paying attention to time), and then blew up about how he was going to get fired that day and it was all my fault. I knew he wouldnt get fired, probably not even reprimanded, but he perceived it as such.

How do conversations about his perceived job dangers go?  Are you able to validate his feelings even if you do not agree with his reality?  It's very tricky to validate the valid and not the invalid. 

As for the oversleeping - does he have his own alarm?  Do you usually wake him?  We commute to work, and I am the alarm keeper as the light sleeper who rarely sleeps through it, so I have this awesome clock that allows for 3 alarms per day, is easy to set and shift between days, and even has a nap function.  (Sorry, such things excite me - nerd).  Anyway.  On days when we DON'T go in at the same time I tell him he needs to set an alarm on his iPad in case I run late getting home with the car, so he can still be up, eat, and be ready on time for the afternoon shift.  And then it's on him. 

He at times will admit he doesnt understand why he feels things as deeply and wholly as he does, and says he wants help, but doesnt seek it.

BPD has a lot of shame avoidance.  Accepting the fact he may have some condition that is at fault for how he feels is very hard - it's just easier and likely feels more natural for him to just blame you, and keep it all external.  And BPD as a condition has a sort of stigma.  I have gotten H to accept that he has anxiety and depression.  He is willing to admit those and try at times to work on them.  Do you think you could start here?  Are there things that can be done at home to dial back the stress for both of you?  If you are tired or stressed, you're not going to be in a good place to work on validation and use tools like SET to communicate.