BPD stepdaughter

[Munkymom]

Hi, I'm a stepmom with a BPD stepdaughter.  I am mostly disengaged, as much as I can be, anyway. 

SD is a dichotomy.  On one hand she gets really good grades, she works really hard at school.  Other than that I guess I should use my mom's words "she just doesn't like other people".  She has a history of bullying and bossing teachers around. She's always been a kid with really high highs and really low lows.  I'm obviously disengaged, she doesn't talk to me (which is a good thing, because what comes out of her mouth otherwise is usually not anything kind or helpful).  But she (up until she got involved with a nutty church) clings to and idolizes her dad, to the point of liking everything he likes, dressing like him... .etc he loves it, I think it's weird.

My DH has finally, finally sought help for her.  SD had a huge temper tantrum about a month ago when we refused to let her join a really nutty cultish church... (and that was mostly me, because DH doesn't ever mention the word "no" to SD unless I'm there to coach him).  She started crying and telling us she was suicidal/cutting herself before she went to this church, and the church has "healed" her... .riiiight.  Anyway, she is no longer allowed to go to said crazy church.  We enrolled her in a 12 step program at our non-denominational church.  I'm sure will be like putting a band-aid over a hemorrhage, but on the positive note DH is going too, maybe he'll actually start giving her some boundaries.  I'm going to show solidarity and I hope it will give me better coping skills, they both stress me out.  DH is still looking for a DBT therapist/group for her.

 Her mom is BPD too, has improved in her jealous, disrespectful, behavior over the years, but is still unstable. DH spoils her rotten he is very guilt ridden over the divorce, I also have 2 other kids, that I hope don't ever give me this amount of stress.

I guess my worry is wondering how involved I should be, and about the effects she has on my own kids.

[livednlearned]

Hi Munkymom,

Being a stepmom to a BPD stepkid is not easy. I have one, too, who lived with us for two summers when she was home from college. I discovered noise-canceling headphones and turned my bedroom into a sanctuary, so I had a place to breathe. It's hard to put in words how intense it can be to live with someone who struggles with BPD.

How old is your SD? What's the custody schedule like?

What is the 12 step program focused on?

I hope your H is able to find a good DBT group for her. It sounds like SD is diagnosed BPD?

To your question about how involved you should be. As much as you can do without it ruining your health. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship. If you aren't coming from a place of strength, the specific relationship and communications skills for BPD will be hard to apply.

My issue with SO is that he couldn't assert any boundaries with SD21. At first, I was upset with him and tried to get him to assert boundaries with her. When that didn't work, I started to do it directly. The key (not easy) was to feel compassion so that I could communicate the boundaries in a loving way. That's why self-care is so important. Having compassion for someone who rolls over boundaries on a regular basis is tough.

The mixture that worked for me was to limit my time and be very structured in how I interacted with SD. I made it my job to start the day with a full cup and make sure that cup stayed full. If she did something to cause that level to dip, then I limited my time with her until I felt full again.

Your self-care has to come first so that you have the strength to engage with her.

[Munkymom]

She's 14, undiagnosed.  We're just assuming based on her own personal history and her mother's.  Does she need to see a psych- to get diagnosed, or do they wait until she's had a major breakdown?  DH has been calling therapists left and right trying to find one that both accepts our insurance and is also accepting patients.  The teen group DBT looks promising, but I don't think it will start until they have enough people.

The 12 step program is general "for habits hurts and hangups".  She'll be with kids her age, hopefully it will give her some skills.

Custody is 50/50 split, her mom lives very close.

I have the noise cancelling headphones, but I also have two other, younger kids in the house that I have to pay attention to, so they don't work that well.

The more I read about it, the more guilty I feel about the way I've handled some of our interactions.  Both DH and I have had many, many instances of invalidating her.  It seems like the logical thing to do, especially when she's lying or exaggerating.  Even in just this last argument, DH told her that her reaction was way over the top, and if she was really healed she should be feeling happy... .Anyway, I know I have to work on myself before I can even begin to be emotionally involved with her.

[livednlearned]

Be kind to yourself. Last thing you need with an angry BPD teen in the house is to join in on the put-downs  

The fact you and your H on the same page and trying to get her help is huge. It's not just a step, it's the biggest step. And the fact you are reading and learning and trying to figure out how to interact with her is a lot more than many families with a BPD child will do.

Kids with BPD are special needs kids. Getting her diagnosed might be a wash for her, especially if she rejects the diagnosis (it happens), but it could be extremely important for your kids. Altho I suppose you can get the same message across in so many words if you never get the dx. "SD14 has a condition that makes it hard to regulate her emotions. It's like getting on a roller coaster and not being able to get off, feeling scared and then angry because she doesn't feel in control and no one is there to help. We are learning to communicate with her, and to have boundaries so that when she's on the roller coaster, she doesn't hurt herself or us."

All the validation stuff you learn for SD14 will probably make a small difference. Those same skills applied to neuro-typical kids can be life changing. "You're angry that she storms into your room and yells at the top of her lungs. Me too. I get how angry you are, and I wish she wouldn't do it either. We can't tell her to leave. We can think of ways to keep you safe. I'm thinking about locks on the doors for now until she learns better impulse control."

Or special nights out without SD14. Or whatever it is that is creating a hardship for your kids.

Some books I found useful: BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre is excellent, if you haven't had a chance to read it yet.

I also recommend Buddha and the Borderline. It's a memoir written by a woman with BPD. It helped me connect to compassion when I was on a low tank.

I'm kind of embarrassed how many books I read, but I was concerned for a time that my son (16), who has a BPD father, was developing BPD. I did whatever I could to try and steer that ship back to safe harbors. Another book I recommend is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. I think we have some excerpts on the site from the book, which has a really good section on asking validating questions. Because phrased as a question, validation puts the responsibility for solving her own problems back on her, SD14, where it belongs. That book is probably super important for your H, who probably does a bunch of rescuing if he's anything like my SO.

I used to have this amazing ball of putty that I would squeeze to release my total and utter irritation when SO would solve SD's problems for her. I'm pretty sure a 20 year old can figure out that she needs a can opener to open a can of beans. Instead of correcting him, I just started using phrases over and over that modeled how I thought she should be treated. It took a while, but SO saw that I was having an effect and wanted whatever koolaid I was serving  

That, and we went to see a couples T at the same time that we saw a child psychologist. They double-teamed SO   and very gently and tactfully laid out the impact of all that caretaking. It was good for me to hear because I have some codependent inclinations myself. Those sessions were really helpful and got me to stand down a bunch.

Our stuff was a bit more insidious than what it sounds like you are dealing with, which didn't make it harder, just different. For example, SD is like a sheet of fabric softener, she clings wherever SO goes. Drives me nuts. He comes to hug me, she tries to hug him at the same time. So he lets go of me and hugs her. She runs to the door when he comes home and hangs onto him like a toddler. I'm not in much of a mood to hug him after that. These all sound like petty little things but the child T and couples T agreed that he needs to establish that he has an adult romantic relationship with me that is physical, and that SD is the adult child. SO spent a summer learning how to redirect her at the door by holding down her arms, looking her directly in the eyes and telling her, "I'm glad to see you and want to hear how your day went. I will go say hi to LnL and then I need to use the bathroom, then I will change and you and I can walk the dog together. I will be ready for a hug after I get this other stuff done." At first, she thought it was a game and would try harder to hug him, and he would keep saying, "I will hug you when I am done taking care of my needs first."

One time I chimed in from the peanut gallery, "SD20, let your dad have a moment. Come here and help me with the dog. He's underfoot and needs a hug." Like you.

I have to let go and radically accept that this is even an issue in our home. It's an issue to keep that child out of my bedroom and off my bed, to keep her from walking into my bathroom without knocking. It's an issue to get her to stand a comfortable distance away while cooking. It's an issue getting her to walk next to SO without trying to hold his hand. I have never met anyone so needy in my life. I think she senses that SO loved how cuddly she was as a child, but she can't move past that unless he shapes those boundaries for her. And he has to consistently and patiently do that with her, over and over.

It's gotten much better, but wow. What a tightrope act.

The great news is that what I learned has been an amazing help in so many other parts of my life. Boundaries are wonderful   and being able to assert them with compassion and tactful phrases has made me a better parent to my own child.

This is a really helpful community for blowing off steam while gathering wisdom you can use and try out at home.

I didn't mean to write so much 

This topic always gets me activated. I almost didn't think we were going to survive as a blended family.

[Munkymom]

Thank you for the book recommendations, you are so awesome! 

I started reading walking on eggshells (saw it in a different post), and now I've got a few more to follow it with.   

We dealt with most of SD's very clingy behavior at a young age, and she isn't as clingy anymore, though she has her moments.  We also dealt with her anger management issues at a young age (but I'm concerned she's now bottling things up instead, maybe because of our invalidation).  She's had this just about all her life, the horrible fear of being alone, the exaggerated emotions, the clingy behavior, the idealization and devaluation, and the manipulative lies.  I'm not sure if it was more of a learned behavior from BM and her dysfunctional family, or just coping because she does go back and forth between houses and experiences those emotional highs and lows.

Luckily SD is very independent, I'm a big Maria Montessori fan, so all the kids have been growing up learning to do things themselves from a very young age.  SD would definitely balk, but we would praise her for taking charge of herself.  However, instead of moderation, she now has a HUGE problem asking or even accepting help which isn't good either.  Especially if she is indeed cutting herself.

DH's biggest problem is calling not her out on her bad behavior and letting her isolate herself instead of making her do things as a family (such as chores, family meals, or events she doesn't want to attend).  He doesn't try to fix her, or take over her problems thank goodness.  I think that was a big lesson learned when he sought counseling when his first marriage was ending.

I disengaged to save my marriage, and now I'm once again scared for my marriage, especially if DH remains codependent, or if SD escalates and remains in the house into adulthood.   So, I'm going to read all I can, and try to support DH in getting her help, without doing it for him.  So far, I really just like the freedom that I do not have to take what she says or does personally anymore.  It's not about me.

[ForeverDad]

I'm not going to say she does or doesn't have BPD just because she isn't diagnosed.  I've read that minors aren't usually diagnosed as such since many teen behaviors can look like a PD but just be that person doing their teen growing up thing.

In decades past many with BPD were diagnosed as Bipolar simply so they could get health insurance to pay for sessions.  If the symptoms are that similar, I wonder whether you could investigate that?  Bipolar can usually be remedied with meds for chemical imbalances.  While meds may help to moderate BPD behaviors, BPD solutions require therapy such as DBT or CBT.

[livednlearned]

I've read that minors aren't usually diagnosed as such since many teen behaviors can look like a PD but just be that person doing their teen growing up thing.

Blaise Aguirre addresses that in his book, the difference between regular teen behaviors and BPD behaviors.

It might be worth asking the T or psychiatrist if they have thoughts one way or another on diagnosing BPD in adolescence. Someone who thinks along the lines of Aguirre (one of the leading experts on BPD in adolescence) is probably more up on the research.

In Buddha and the Borderline, the author talks about learning as an adult that she had been diagnosed as a teen, but no one ever told her. It cost her years of looking for answers, not finding something that worked.

[Munkymom]

I’m reasonably certain she is not bipolar, I took a nursing course in psychology, and worked in a psych ward, she’s very, very lacking in the mania department.  And Dh and I are extremely against against any medication, that would be the absolute last line of treatment.  Really,  I’m not even sure she would be diagnosed as BPD, because, where her emotions have negative effects on her life (low self esteem, troubled relationships), I’m not sure her quality of life is altered enough for a DSM diagnosis, but that would be entirely up to whoever sees her. 

 I’m more focused on getting her some tools to use so she can get her emotions under control, instead of cutting or lashing out at others.  I think the DBT would be the best route.  Along with teaching her self-care.  I bought her fish oil and instructed her to take it every day, we’ve been taking family walks in the evening so she’s outside getting sunshine and exercise everyday, and we signed her up for yoga classes.  And now she’s got a teen group she can safely vent her emotions to.  Above all, we really, really don’t want her to make the same choices her mother has made in life.