Moving Forward from Codependancy with BPDm

[guineap]

I have been trying to manage and learn more, but it is difficult. I had to take a break from T due to work schedules. I finally went back to see T this week and felt confused, which is how I tend to feel after a session. I am trying to be more mindful of my emotions, but feel that I am struggling.

What I want to know is how do I go from being enmeshed, codependent, enabler with a BPDm to a healthy human who feels safe trying to be in relationships with other people? Honestly, I feel frustrated because I don't want to enter into another, similar relationship with anyone, nor do I want to burden another person with my problems.  Some of my problems with trying to build relationships I feel both my jobs are so focused on being polite and customer oriented that I am totally done with people at the end of every day, but I also feel that my dysfunctional relations with both parents are at the forefront of everything and I don't want them to be any more. How do I stop focusing on that? How do I enjoy people after working all day with a plastered smile and the same three questions of conversation with hundreds of people (including coworkers)? I worry that I am not a person that should be in relationships with others, but at the same time, I feel like I need someone.

I seem to go between states of numbness, sadness, and anger. I cannot always pinpoint why, but I do not seem to be able to move forward from these states. Suggestions?

BPDm has found a new therapist that she wants everyone to go to and see. T I have been seeing says this is a bad idea because BPDm picked her out and likes her (also that there are too many Ts involved), but I feel obligated because I told BPDm before I moved out that I would go to a T with her to have conversations. My one conversation with new T does not give me any hope that she really understands or will. I have scheduled meeting with her, but have no idea what to expect or really say. How should I handle this? T said to just say that until original T BPDm was seeing said she was ready I wasn't going.

T also says that I need to tell BPDm to stop sending novel-length text messages and hurtful messages. I have no idea how to do this. Also, if I simply don't respond to messages, I get more. What should I say?

I am trying to figure out who I am and what I am supposed to be like outside of what I feel is a past life living with this, but I don't know and I am honestly just tired. Between working almost 50 hours a week, trying to maintain exercise, and prepare to move to go to grad school, I don't have many moments just to be. When I do, I feel too all-over the map to find any clarity. T says I just need to manage my time better, but I feel like I just want to sleep when I am not actually having to be physically present at a job right now. I have no desire to go to functions outside of work held by coworkers or go to any other types of events. How do I deal with this?

T says that we should have a joint meeting between the siblings and my NPDd (who she says is at an aware point and ready to take over being the center of the family). This suggestion made me really angry, I think mostly because I have not seen this, nor do I really want him to "take over." I have really bad memories of him "taking over" which basically meant he told me that I was a girl and shouldn't be running my own company, and often that I don't know what I am talking about. I don't know who to deal with this or waht I should expect of him being the center of the family and "directing it." Please advise.

I try to explain all of this to T, but feel that sometimes that she feels I should be able get with it. I feel overwhelmed and barely hanging on to the things I have to just survive financially. Thanks for listening... .

[Notwendy]

You can move on from co-dependency, and it is a process. Don't be discouraged if it seems slow- it is always a work in progress and in time, you can look back and see it.

You have a great motivation to do this work- so that you don't end up in a dysfunctional co-dependent romantic relationship with someone else. You may feel most co-dependent with your mother, but it also occurs with other relationships as well. By working on your own co-dependency, you can make changes that will improve all your relationships- romantic, friendships, work relationships and with your future children if that is in your plans.

It does seem like a giant step but it is one step at a time. Recognizing what you want to do, working with a T, are all steps forward.

I take it you are living at home? If you are moving out soon to go to grad school, it may be easier to assert yourself from a distance. You can begin to mentally prepare to set boundaries while you are still at home, but if the move is soon, you may want to wait to move as dealing with the resistance to your changing may require skills you have not gained yet ( but will). A move is also a transition out of the family. You are part of the dynamics and your parents may act up with just that. Moving out to attend grad school is a step to becoming your own person.

Being co-dependent in a family can make one feel mentally fuzzy and confused It is hard to know who you are when you feel you need to be focused on others. Part of working on co-dependency is looking at our own feelings and wishes.  We are so used to being more concerned with the feelings and wishes of others. It is also mentally tiring to be co-dependent.

You are clear about some of them:
You like to exercise
You have plans to go to grad school, and are interested in running your own company.
You feel mentally exhausted and don't have the mental energy to socialize right now yet you also feel you should. No, you can feel what you feel. Self care is important. The acronym FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt) can drive you to do things you feel you "should" but don't want to do. If you need to have quiet time, that is OK. Take care of yourself. Grad school will be an opportunity to meet new people.
You don't want a relationship but feel you need one. Stop right there. That is a red flag to risk ending up in a dysfunctional relationship. To have a good relationship with someone else, you need to have a good relationship with YOU. Get to know YOU. This isn't forever- you can have a relationship later, just become more like YOU first. Get to grad school, pursue your interests and then, you are more likely to attract someone who wants to be with the authentic you.
Your T suggested a meeting with your father and that makes you angry. You don't have to do it. She can make suggestions but if they don't feel right to you, honor that.
Ditto with seeing a T with BPD mother, but if you are moving soon, and don't want to deal with the scene, you could also choose to go along, smile, don't get invested and move on with your plans .Why do I suggest that? Isn't that being co-dependent? It is also picking your battles. A transition is difficult and with your plans to move, you may not feel up to the upheaval. On the other hand you don't have to go if you really don't want to. It's about you making the choice one way or the other.


Don't be discouraged! You are way ahead of me at your age when I first started working on my own co-dependency. It takes time, and personal work, but the results are worth it. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward one step backwards, but you can get there. What also helped me was attending 12 step co-dependency groups, one of them ACA. The steps can work even without alcoholism in a family as the dynamics are similar. I have a BPD mother. ACA really helped me to deal with the dynamics in my FOO. Working with a sponsor was a game changer for me. She worked with me one on one and provided the moral support to help withstand the reactions from my family when I began to set boundaries and refuse to go along with my BPD mother's wishes just to keep the peace.