Attempting Low Contact with uBPD Mother

[skylark23]

I've posted on here once or twice before about my mother, but that was a long time ago. It's been busy and I have not had much time to do much other than lurk and read. I have been going through counseling with a wonderful psychologist.

At the moment, I am attempting to be low-contact with my mother. Due to her refusal to accept that she needs counseling to improve or maintain a relationship with me, that was the route I chose. I gave up trying to tell her that we wouldn't be talking much because she didn't listen to a thing I said. Normally, she makes no effort to try and contact me at all unless 1.) she is really upset at me or a sibling and attempting to guilt me into talking to her, or 2.) she is in a really good mood. Those are, naturally, rare.

We hadn't talked in about 2 months, and then Mother's Day came up. Leading up to it, I chose not to contact her besides sending a nice wall hanging, and posting a little message on her FB wall highlighting some nice things I remembered from childhood. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to and on that day, knowing that it would not at all be what she wanted. It wasn't, and I got a couple of nasty messages about not calling her or sending her a card, which is "all" she really wanted. I had a card, forgot to mail it, told myself, "Oh well." In the end one of my sisters told her off about being so negative about it, unknown to me, and she attempted an apology which basically went, "The wall hanging is nice, but it isn't what I wanted, and I wish I still had my mom around, etc." I still didn't bite. But, I did deal with a lot of depression and anxiety all around the ordeal.

My husband got tired of it and told me that he felt it would be best if I no longer talk to her. His reasoning was that it always got me really depressed and that I was unable to be a present wife and mother when that happens. I get pretty blue and don't clean, don't want to cook much, and get frustrated and angry with everyone very easily, while ruminating and complaining a ton. I got angry at him, then thought about it, and realized that he was pretty spot on. But, after talking to my counselor, I decided that I would rather maintain polite but distant contact rather than totally cut her off right now. Emotionally, I'm not ready for the nuclear fall out that would occur.

She's been in a good mood recently. It was her anniversary with my step-dad, and he took her to the Outer Banks, NC, her favorite spot. Also, where we lived for a bit when I was tiny. She sent me pictures of the apartment we used to live in and asked me questions about my favorite flowers and sea glass jewelry. She tried to get conversational. I replied some and then forgot to reply to her last text. I have two under 3 so I really just forget some days. This was around my birthday. She did not acknowledge my birthday in any way. This is the first year I have not done a "Thanks for being my mom and bringing me into this world!" post on Facebook as I thought about it and went, "What the heck? Why am I making even my birthday about her?" She would then respond with some happy birthday message and how I was her wished for daughter/favorite/etc. Nothing this year. I felt relief, rather than anger, as it meant I didn't have to talk to her. That's a first for me. Anyway, she texted me a few days late to say that I had a birthday gift coming, "better late than never, right?" (She is very insecure about her role as a mother and views herself as doing it all right and an absolute failure, depending on the moment.) I told her thanks and I'd let her know when it arrived. I did not on the actual day, as it was a very good day for me emotionally and I did not want to get depressed. I'm going to send a thanks card instead.

I've been trying to restrict my communication with her to FB messenger, since I have to physically log in on my computer to access it. I have not asked her to stick to that, but rather made it a boundary for myself. There's a family group message I'm in on there and it helps to have that to use when I'd rather not have a direct conversation with her. It tends to cool her heels when other people are listening in. But last night, I made a post in my little family's IG about having a rare night alone and joked that I didn't know what to do with myself. My mom jumped on after I went to bed and commented, "You could call your mother. She would love to hear from you." with a winky face. So that is lighthearted enough, with a knife thrown in. My first reaction was guilt, fear, heart pounding. I immediately archived the entire post and then went off to read some articles about BPD behavior to slow down my racing heart and swirling thoughts. I called up the sister I'm closest to, and we discussed it. I concluded that it wasn't "that bad" but it still felt manipulative. She could call me if she really wants to talk. I've told her that. Heck, we've all told her that, many times. It also feels like she is trying to take something where most folks would interact with a "enjoy it!" "Take a hot bath!" or something similar and has made it all about her and meeting her needs. As my sister pointed out, she's had enough kids (12) to know that having a night to yourself is quite the luxury. Instead of mothering me and telling me to enjoy, she flipped it and made it about me not calling her.

On the other hand, this is the closest she ever gets to outright expressing her wants. I feel like I should ignore it and carry on. And I feel guilty as hell for making that decision, which means it is probably the right one.

Anyone have affirmation or more wisdom from being farther along in the journey?

[Harri]

Hi skylark and welcome back.     

My husband got tired of it and told me that he felt it would be best if I no longer talk to her. His reasoning was that it always got me really depressed and that I was unable to be a present wife and mother when that happens. I get pretty blue and don't clean, don't want to cook much, and get frustrated and angry with everyone very easily, while ruminating and complaining a ton. I got angry at him, then thought about it, and realized that he was pretty spot on. But, after talking to my counselor, I decided that I would rather maintain polite but distant contact rather than totally cut her off right now. Emotionally, I'm not ready for the nuclear fall out that would occur.

The first thing I have to ask is if you are on medication to help with your depression?  I was resistant for a while but eventually gave in several years ago and I find the medication to be quite helpful.  

I've been trying to restrict my communication with her to FB messenger, since I have to physically log in on my computer to access it. I have not asked her to stick to that, but rather made it a boundary for myself.

This is good.  It is important to realize that even if you did ask your mother to only contact you through messenger, she is in no way obligated to follow that request (and given her past behavior, she probably won't).  So you are right to put the restriction/boundary on yourself as your actions are the only ones you can control.  

Are you thinking you may want a bit more contact that this or is that enough for now?

On the other hand, this is the closest she ever gets to outright expressing her wants. I feel like I should ignore it and carry on. And I feel guilty as hell for making that decision, which means it is probably the right one.

You are probably right!  Unfortunately changing the way you act in your relationship with your mother is going to be difficult and often the pwBPD increases their dysfunctional behaviors as they sense the change.  In a way it is a normal process when detaching and setting boundaries.  Families operate as a system and any change to that system will be resisted and there will be push back.  Have you read the article we have here called Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)?  It explains a lot of what is going on with your mother.  Another good article to read is Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle which I see going on with your mom.

Read through the articles and ask any questions you may have.  There are many other articles but I do not want to bog you down with links.

Talk with you soon.

[skylark23]

Hi skylark and welcome back.     
 The first thing I have to ask is if you are on medication to help with your depression?  I was resistant for a while but eventually gave in several years ago and I find the medication to be quite helpful.  

I am considering it. I find that my depression is almost exclusively triggered by being in contact with my mom, or the possibility of contact with her (like today, even though I chose to ignore her message.) Right now I want to go a bit longer with the attempted low-contact and see if the behavior modification for myself gives me a feeling of more control, and therefore, less depression. I think the trigger-within-the-trigger is that I feel like I have no control in my relationship with her, so thinking that setting boundaries and behaviorial changes for myself will start changing my emotional muscles, so to speak. If that makes sense. Anyway, it is an option that is not off the table yet.

This is good.  It is important to realize that even if you did ask your mother to only contact you through messenger, she is in no way obligated to follow that request (and given her past behavior, she probably won't).  So you are right to put the restriction/boundary on yourself as your actions are the only ones you can control.  

Are you thinking you may want a bit more contact that this or is that enough for now?

I want to get her a regular package through snail mail with pictures of her grandkids, artwork, etc. Nothing too involved, but that gives her some warm feelings. Kids are especially important to her. But no, no more contact unless she commits to change and follows through. I have totally eliminate the holding out hope that she will change, or maybe she will get better, or maybe it is just all in my head and we can really have a nice chat - in other words, accept reality, accept her for who she is, mourn/heal, and keep my boundaries up. Sounds so nice and firm... .if only my mind would remember to be so matter-of-fact in the moment!

 

You are probably right!  Unfortunately changing the way you act in your relationship with your mother is going to be difficult and often the pwBPD increases their dysfunctional behaviors as they sense the change.  In a way it is a normal process when detaching and setting boundaries.  Families operate as a system and any change to that system will be resisted and there will be push back.  

I was actually wondering as I mulled it over this afternoon, if that wasn't some pushback. Thanks for the affirmation on that.

Have you read the article we have here called Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)?  It explains a lot of what is going on with your mother.  Another good article to read is Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle which I see going on with your mom.

I had a long while back, but went and re-read them. Thank you for directing me there. Much of what I'm working on in counseling is in the articles. One thought stood out to me: having respect for the person we are interacting with (which will get us out of the triangle). Similar strategy to how we parent our children. We respect them as autonomous human beings and as such, don't control (help too much) or ignore their needs (give no guidance/instruction even when asked or when we obviously need to provide it, as they are still children, not adults.) If I can remember that in future interactions, it will really help diffuse the emotions, I think. But dang, will it be hard. At least we are not doing phone calls right now. It is really hard for me to think on my feet, and more so when I interact with her. I freeze up and fall right into old patterns. There's a name for it, something similar to what happens when someone with PTSD is triggered. Can't think of it right now. Hoping that having the time to work out responses will eventually write over those current grooves in the brain.

I welcome any other articles you recommend. I apprecitate the slow going. I will overwhem myself with info when I get to researching. 

[Harri]

if only my mind would remember to be so matter-of-fact in the moment!

You will remember in time.  The more you practice detachment the easier it gets.  There is something called differentiation that you may want to read about here:   Bowen Family System Theory Read through it, especially the parts about differentiation and ... .well ... .read all of it really!     See if anything resonates.  Sometimes we are still attached emotionally to our parents even as adults.  We have to learn where we begin and end in relation to another person and that their moods, reactions, etc are theirs to own not ours.  I suggest this because of your description of how depressed you get after contact with your mom.  This can also play into FOG or at least can help you understand why your mom can so easily use FOG with you.  See if it fits. 

We also have an article on Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind that you may find very helpful for regulating your moods when thinking of or dealing with your mother. 

Similar strategy to how we parent our children. We respect them as autonomous human beings and as such, don't control (help too much) or ignore their needs (give no guidance/instruction even when asked or when we obviously need to provide it, as they are still children, not adults.) If I can remember that in future interactions, it will really help diffuse the emotions, I think.

I think this is a great idea!  Yes, it will be hard but I think it will help.

I freeze up and fall right into old patterns.

Fight, flight or freeze... .and then there is also fawn.  We hear about that a lot here.  I used to do it and still do sometimes.  It is part of the trauma response and is called the 4f's.  Is this what you are talking about? 

I do suggest reading the article on emotional blackmail and the drama triangle more than once.  It takes a while for the info to sink in.  I hope the above articles help as well.

[Harri]

Hi! 

Just wondering how you are doing with limited contact? 

[Sad4Her]

Hi,
I am new to this site and have just posted about my situation with my mom. I felt so alone until I found this site. You are not alone! I'm in the process of having my mom move out of the apartment in my home. It has been an ordeal for years. I get the same way as you. I am a person who always ate good, works out, keeps a clean home, etc. In the recent years, the depression and anxiety in dealing with my mom has been so bad that I don't cook, clean as often as I used to, work out much, etc. My husband has said the same thing to me over the years and I used to get so mad because I love my mom so much. However, in the past few years, I have felt physically sick from dealing with her, and that's when everything changed. My eyes opened at what I've been doing. I was letting her run my life and my home and disregarding my husband and myself. I have since started going to therapy and it is helping me so much. I have been trying to get her to move out for quite a few years. Yes, as embarrassing as this is to say. She is supposed to leave Monday. If all works as planned and she goes, I will try to have a relationship with her but if I can't, I am ready to deal with a complete separation no matter how much it hurts. I never in my life thought I would be in this situation. It breaks my heart so much that it physically hurts. Hang in there! We can all get through this together. I'm always here to listen to anyone who feels the same pain I'm going through .

[skylark23]

Hi! 

Just wondering how you are doing with limited contact? 

Hi Harri, thanks for checking in - It's going okay. We had an incident with her two weeks ago that I wanted to post about and see if we handled it well, so I'll just put it here.

My mom has high BP and is on meds for it. It spiked over the weekend and she went to the ER on Father's Day. A younger adult sister (still at home) called in a panic to tell me about it, afraid my mom was dying. I learned later that my mom was freaking out saying she was afraid she was dying. I waited to talk to my SIL who is a nurse. She told me my mom was on nitrogen and some other meds, pretty scared and stressed, and talking about dying still. But she felt that if she would calm down, she would probably be okay, as the meds and nitro can get a person feeling pretty sick. Anyway, she said it would probably help if we checked on her, so I texted her to let her know we were praying for her. She started texting back and kept me updated about what was going on, and then later told me she was feeling much better but had to stay for observation. They wanted to check for blockages in her heart. Then I started to feel pretty angry, because it was about the time that my sister in TX started checking on her, too, that she started to stop panicking and calming down.

At the time I just felt used... .I know she probably can't spike her own BP to that level, and she was still on the meds, but still. The next day she let us know she was discharged and her heart was just fine. She was supposed to add an Advil a day to her routine but no other changes. But I was really angry - it seemed like she purposely stressed herself out bc we three not at home weren't responding to her desire for contact the way she wanted, so then she got herself into crisis, and recovered quickly once we started talking to her. I feel like we got trapped into rescuing her, she got what she wanted out of it. But I don't know that we could have handled it any differently. I focused on reminding myself that she is going to handle life the way she wants to, and that she won't let go of stress as long as it gets her needs met in a roundabout way. I am very concerned for her, but she is a grown adult.

I have been in limited contact again, since then. She asked what books she could get my son for his birthday the following weekend and sent them. I thanked her. We did that over text but she isn't pushing that. So it's been limited and fine in that sense.

However, this week I've been dealing with some serious anger "out of nowhere." I've lost it three days in a row, pretty bad for me, with lots of yelling, unfair accusations at kids and spouse, feeling like I'm totally overwhelmed with it. I feel scraped raw and like every little thing is a trigger. I have no idea what started it, other than (sorry if TMI) it's coincided with some nasty PMS and brain fog. I'm wondering if it isn't a legit hormone issue combined with the mental stuff.  I've contacted my counselor for a session, got extra sleep last night, doing the self-care stuff that I know helps. My sister in TX was the first to point out that perhaps I'm still mad at mom from two weeks ago. I seriously thought I was over it... .but it must have triggered some stuff subconciously. So now I need to journal and see what comes up. And go back and read those things you linked. Haven't gotten to those yet.

So is this something normal in the process of letting go and stepping back? I'm so confused as this has never happened before except as a kid still at home when I did feel totally not in control of my life. That was a couple of decades ago... .

[skylark23]

Sad4her

Thank you for your kind words and listening ear. It must have been a very difficult decision to move your mother out. I hope that it goes well for you on Monday, as it sounds like this is a very necessary step for your health. I hope that it helps your relationship with her to only improve. My aunt on my mother's side once told me that I needed to separate from her to improve the relationship - physically and emotionally, and it's only now that I see how right she was! She had gone through it with her daughter and later realized how good it was for their relationship. I can't say that it will be the same for either of us, our mothers coming around to see it as a good thing, but I do believe you made a brave and wise choice. 

[Panda39]

Hi skylark23,

I can see where you would be angry and feel manipulated with your mom's "dramatic" illness. My SO's uBPDxw used health issues (real and imagined) in much the same way.  It puts us in a bad spot because we don't know what is real and what isn't in these situations.  Just a reminder, your mom is an adult and although she may not always act like it she can take care of herself.

This type of thing will no doubt happen again   Maybe have a plan for the next time.  Maybe take a more wait and see approach, don't immediately jump in but see how it plays out.

Panda39