I want to leave him, but I'm not ready yet

[pearlsw]

Hi Jade_alexander,

I have that feeling that there was some kind of bait and switch involved at times, but I try to let it go when  I can, that sense that had I known I wouldn't have let myself be subjected to this.  Mental illness is not easy to decipher I think.

I know it is hard. We can't go back. I feel like some of the consequences of choosing to be with him could haunt me for a long time, other times I feel like I'd be over this in a week.

Have you tried any of the tools yet? I wonder if any of them could help you your conversations with him?

SET

Validation

warmly, pearl.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jade_alexander]

Hi Jade_alexander,

I have that feeling that there was some kind of bait and switch involved at times, but I try to let it go when  I can, that sense that had I know I wouldn't have let myself be subjected to this.  Mental illness is not easy to decipher I think.

I know it is hard. We can't go back. I feel like some of the consequences of choosing to be with him could haunt me for a long time, other times I feel like I'd be over this in a week.

Have you tried any of the tools yet? I wonder if any of them could help you your conversations with him?

SET

Validation

warmly, pearl.

I haven’t yet, just trying to stay out of his way. Once his moods settle again I can try.

[Radcliff]

You're getting great support here from pearlsw, maried, I_Am_The_Fire, ILuvABorderline, and raiano18!

Honestly, it sounds like enough work for three women in your house!  I'm sorry to hear of all you're coping with.  

The tools we teach here vary from relatively simple changes that you can use even under adverse circumstances to head off conflict, to more complicated ones that require more practice.  I'm thinking, even given where you feel you're currently headed, that a couple of the more simple tools would be useful to you in reducing the level of drama and wear and tear on you.  :)oes that sound worthwhile?  Can I suggest one to start with?

WW

[Jade_alexander]

You're getting great support here from pearlsw, maried, I_Am_The_Fire, ILuvABorderline, and raiano18!

Honestly, it sounds like enough work for three women in your house!  I'm sorry to hear of all you're coping with.  

The tools we teach here vary from relatively simple changes that you can use even under adverse circumstances to head off conflict, to more complicated ones that require more practice.  I'm thinking, even given where you feel you're currently headed, that a couple of the more simple tools would be useful to you in reducing the level of drama and wear and tear on you.  :)oes that sound worthwhile?  Can I suggest one to start with?

WW

Yes we can try.

There was an awful fight last night. Now I replay it over and over to see what was a real concern vs his skewed perspective. He feels used and lonely because he’s trying to get better and I still have no desire to be around him. He feels I avoid him and I never engage him. He’s correct about it, but he fails to hold himself accountable. In his memory he was the victim and I should empathize with him. Even though he was harsh, abysive ans selfish with me. He also accuses me of manipulating everyone against him. Something I can’t do, he has a deputation HE built. So now I’ve got a headache, I’m tired and I’n Depressed... .he also made a mess out of the livingroom when he was mad and I have to clean it.

[Radcliff]

A relationship researcher, John Gottman, has an excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, in which he says:

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

This is the terminal stage in a relationship... .it takes a real effort to break through this... .

I understand your upset regarding accountability, as this is something I'm currently addressing with my wife and a lot of outside help for abuse that happened in our relationship.  It has been months, and has been much harder going than I thought.  She has had some success learning about her behaviors, but has not yet been able to see the impact they had on me or stop seeing herself as a victim as well.  I am realizing that in order to be successful coparents, I may need to give more into the situation than I had been planning to before accountability was established.  In my mind, accountability had always come first, but the necessities of caring for the children in the best way possible (even though we are separated) seem to require me to reexamine my expectations a bit.  That does not mean I need to give my heart before I am ready -- the bar on that remains high.

It's really a lot to ask someone to just stuff abuse memories and soldier on.  Validation of your experience is important.  Your experience was real, and acknowledgement of that is an important step in recovery.  When you say that he is not accountable, what are the things you most wish he would own up to?  If you are willing, it might help to share some of the details of the abuse with us.  Here's how I did it:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320499.msg12935462#msg12935462
You can read the story from the beginning if you scroll to the top of the thread.

WW

[Jade_alexander]

A relationship researcher, John Gottman, has an excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, in which he says:

This is the terminal stage in a relationship... .it takes a real effort to break through this... .

I understand your upset regarding accountability, as this is something I'm currently addressing with my wife and a lot of outside help for abuse that happened in our relationship.  It has been months, and has been much harder going than I thought.  She has had some success learning about her behaviors, but has not yet been able to see the impact they had on me or stop seeing herself as a victim as well.  I am realizing that in order to be successful coparents, I may need to give more into the situation than I had been planning to before accountability was established.  In my mind, accountability had always come first, but the necessities of caring for the children in the best way possible (even though we are separated) seem to require me to reexamine my expectations a bit.  That does not mean I need to give my heart before I am ready -- the bar on that remains high.

It's really a lot to ask someone to just stuff abuse memories and soldier on.  Validation of your experience is important.  Your experience was real, and acknowledgement of that is an important step in recovery.  When you say that he is not accountable, what are the things you most wish he would own up to?  If you are willing, it might help to share some of the details of the abuse with us.  Here's how I did it:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320499.msg12935462#msg12935462
You can read the story from the beginning if you scroll to the top of the thread.

WW

I’ve been sexually abused, he forced things I didn’t consent to, or would harass me into sexual acts I hated. I would start hyperventilating durning sex and panicking because I was so scared. He ruined our sex life, I enjoy sex but I usually cringe and cry while we have it. He brushes these things aside, I’m just overly sensitive and I should just trust him.

No one should EVER force their partner to participate in something unwillingly.

He’s been physically abusive. I’ve been hit, choked, thrown around. His last major episode I was 9 months pregnant and terrified. He destroyed furniture and I was so afraid he was going to hurt me and the baby. I was trying to call for help but my phone wasn’t working. He apologized lasted but it was too late... .

He’s verbally abusive, name calling, puts me down... .i get lectures about all my faults.

He’s emotionally abusive. I’m a selfish and lazy parent. I’m a terrible wife. My friends can’t stand me because I’m such a bad friend... .i’m Subjected to this type of talk regularly. He doesn’t consider this abuse, just factual information he’s sharing with me.

The worst is he looks back and doesn’t remember half of it. The parts he recalls he usually justifies ‘we’ll i didn’t feel loved. If you weren’t so selfish I would have calmed down’

He managed to be the victim most of the time. Occasionally he takes ownership.

The last time he hit physical was with our child. I had the cops come and document it, CPS was involved too. Then he got mad at me for presenting a false perception, he wasn’t abusive... .I just made it look abusive. He was found guilty of child abuse by CPS and we haven’t discussed it. I have a restraining order ready to go whenever I decide to use it.

I’ve been stonewalling for years, it’s how I survived. I only let that wall down for my affair partner, he was good at giving me some normalcy but ultimately my affair only fueled the fire for my husband’s need to play victim.

Last night it was rubbed in my face yet again, he may have been difficult for year but I had an affair so obviously I’m the bad guy.

[raiano18]

Having a child with someone with BPD is life changing. Sometimes I don't know if me changing a diaper will set her off! I also agree, if we do end up splitting up, I will be left damaged. Luckily, I still have my self confidence, but will I ever want to be with another girl again? I have no trust for ANYONE anymore, and to even think about opening up to a new relationship scares me. I was NEVER a jealous person before I was with her, now I am. And I think its because I've been accused of every possible thing in the world, so the thought of it happening to me is always there. I cant even go to the store without being questioned, and if she leaves and im home alone, I have to be on the phone with her until she gets to her destination. She tries to make plans for me while shes not home, so that I have no alone time. Now, that I realize this, I make sure to have alone time. I avoid her 25 phone calls as soon as she leaves the house because I was "busy". Everything about our relationship has made me a different person. My daughter has matured me into a loving father, but my fiancé has ruined my image of love, beyond belief, and that hurts.

[Jade_alexander]

Having a child with someone with BPD is life changing. Sometimes I don't know if me changing a diaper will set her off! I also agree, if we do end up splitting up, I will be left damaged. Luckily, I still have my self confidence, but will I ever want to be with another girl again? I have no trust for ANYONE anymore, and to even think about opening up to a new relationship scares me. I was NEVER a jealous person before I was with her, now I am. And I think its because I've been accused of every possible thing in the world, so the thought of it happening to me is always there. I cant even go to the store without being questioned, and if she leaves and im home alone, I have to be on the phone with her until she gets to her destination. She tries to make plans for me while shes not home, so that I have no alone time. Now, that I realize this, I make sure to have alone time. I avoid her 25 phone calls as soon as she leaves the house because I was "busy". Everything about our relationship has made me a different person. My daughter has matured me into a loving father, but my fiancé has ruined my image of love, beyond belief, and that hurts.

I can relate to this SO much. I was bitter and hurt and broken. I wanted out of my marriage, away from him and I never wanted another person to be close to me again. I was DONE! I was damaged in ways I didn’t think I could heal.

Then he came back into my life. I let myself open up, I was terrified but I did it. I let myself feel for once, I allowed myself to be venerable. It didn’t come easily, it wasn’t romantic... .more of like exposure therapy. Facing my anxiety, knowing I was deeply attached to another human was terror. Then I realized after a long time I loved him. I allowed myself to love him. And I even told him.

When it ended I thought  I’d be destroyed. But i wasnt. There is pain, but also a lot of good. I learned I could love again, I could trust again, that I’m still desirable and interesting. I had turned off so many aspects of my personality to make the husband happy, it felt freeing to think for myself again. I started reading, painting, writing... .I decided to start working... .so the affair did spur some personal growth.

It’s over now and I’m still recovering from that heart ache. But i know the next time I’m ready that relationship will be good.

This is a HUGE turn around from my attitude before. And I’ve had to put a ton of effort back into myself.

So don’t think how you feel right now if how you will always feel. You’re still grieving and reactive. It has its place, but have hope that when the time is right you can move forward. There is a possibility to healthy relationships in your future.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing.  I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through.  Can you remind us when the last time he was physically abusive was?  Have any new behaviors emerged or gotten worse since he stopped using the physical abuse tactic?

Can you give us some detail on a common situation in which he's verbally abusive?  Time of day, location, who's present, what he says, what you do in response, etc.  The direction I'm working is to try to figure out a way to reduce your exposure without escalating things.  I'm sure you've tried various responses, so let us know your thoughts on that.

WW

[raiano18]

After being in a relationship with someone with BPD it changes your whole perspective of things. I often think about how I COULD find someone else, someone who would love me like I should be, someone who would appreciate everything I do, someone who could cook me dinner once in a while, or clean or do anything, but I let myself stay in my current situation, for my daughter. Its a tough place im in.