How do I get myself in the healthiest frame of mind possible?

[desperate.wife]

Hi pearl,

Life maybe is not as normal as you wish but your feelings and confusion is.

When you do go on holidays together, do you have good time? When we travel together, in general, we enjoy, but there is lot of stress. I always have either to pressure him so we do "normal" things and get him angry, or be disappointed. I like to take my time watching something, stay on the bench, he gets stressed. I didn't know then about his condition, so I would just get pissed, now, knowing it, I was more relaxed and adapting to his needs when we went to Paris, but he was still in crisis mode, so nothing I could do was going to help. I feel quite often that I enjoy discovering and wondering around alone more than with him. He would get tired and bored too quick. It is not the couple life I dreamt either... .So enjoy your free holidays. I hope it will give you some clarity about your feelings.

I know how it can feel lonely. Sometimes just having short conversation with stranger in the street would make me happy for whole day. It is hard to make friends when you are not kid. It always seems everyone has their lives. Once in language class one girl, age 32, said she was lonely and needed friends. I was shocked by her openness. Who admits that publicly at this age? I was second year in there and had befriended one woman only, and that was tough, took lot of time. Usually people comes and leaves after the class to their kids, husbands, wives, works... .Because of that I almost missed wonderful friend. She seemed cold and distant. Till once we stayed to wait for some event in the evening. And we clicked from the first sentences! That was amazing. She stayed a year and we had great time. She came with her bf to visit us... .And ... .My then undiagnosed BPD boyfriend couldn't stand her boyfriend. He was adventurous, irresponsible, funny, friendly... .And my husband could hardly keep the rage against him. I had to beg. After that, they never came back. We say, "Hi, how are you" online. "Oh all the same, work you know", and that is it. She keeps saying she would come, but... .It fills my eyes with tears thinking about it now.

Sorry, I got too personal. I just wanted to say, I get how hard it is to make real friends and how lonely it is not to be able to share what it is important to you. I can read something in the news, get all exited tell him, and he is completely uninterested... .Just little things like that can make you lonely, not to talk about big events.

How long have you been together?

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[pearlsw]

How long have you been together?

Hi desperate.wife,

We have been "together" roughly 7.5 years. If you count the off parts I'm not sure.  In fact I am sure many times I never "took him back" he just showed back up and the weight of his personality and tide of his mood swings propelled us onwards though... .I was like someone on the beach, waving their arms, going "No, no more waves!" Then crash, boom, they washed over me and here I was feeling half-drowned and totally confused... .grasping hard for reality.

He's interesting. His mind magically erases the bad times and so if you were to talk with him every trip we ever had was great. For me it was a mixed bag. I'd be threatened on trips, especially if he was extremely sexually interested, and I was less so, because he was so difficult.

At the wedding, as nice as he was trying to be, and I am thankful for his medication, I did notice he was like sitting next to a fidgety, misbehaving child. He could not keep quiet or be reverent during the service. He was making jokes with one of his brothers the whole time and quite distracted. Never noticed this side of him in quite this way before. He started drinking early so he may have just been tipsy already and not an attention issue.

Normally I don't drink much, but I was somewhat uncomfortable, I really didn't think I'd go and am surprised I gave in on this. I could see it meant a lot to him, and I can be a softie. I did seem to negotiate some personal concessions from him regarding past things he's threatened me with... .but it is hard to count on anything he says - good or bad.  

Anyway, I decided to not count how many glasses of prosecco I tipped back, but that stuff is a depressant so I noticed my thoughts the next day were lower because of the lingering effect of the alcohol. But I went out and ran and biked the next day to get my spirits back up. I want to be able to keep them up no matter what he does. That is a big goal for me, to not be swallowed up by this or lose who I am in the process. I want to hold on to my sense of what is right and wrong for my life and follow it, no matter how difficult it may be.

Oh yes, trips were like this a lot: him getting tired and bored quickly. All in all though he does try to do quite a lot to make me happy and I take seriously letting him feel good about the things he does do well. The hard part is figuring out how/when to bring up the other stuff, the issues, the differences, without overwhelming him.

Oh, I hear ya! Sometimes even the smile from a stranger or a few kind words will make my whole day! Even when I wasn't so isolated I appreciated this so much though. But now, it is really a lot for me! Sorry you weren't able to keep these friends. We had a chance to do some "couple stuff" recently and I was surprised at how well it went. One thing is that... .gosh, I swear, if people see us we do look like a happy, loving couple. That is almost harder in a way because I think it makes it harder for people to understand... .I suffer in silence quite a lot.

Thank you very much for the validation on my feelings and confusion! I really appreciate that!

sincerely, pearl.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Pearl

You're living in strange times indeed! Not long now until you go on your trip and will have some space. I've got itchy feet and love travelling... .new destinations and places to explore! We're off on holiday next month and I can't wait.

Normally I like traveling alone, but this feels a bit lonely. But, I am looking for ways to enhance my trip (extra places to see, mini goals to set with it) and I am sure I will have a great time.

You've had a lot on your plate and are probably feeling a bit exhausted. Sometimes when I travel, I like to move around and fit in as much as possible but, if I arrive at a place feeling exhausted, there's a lot to be said for just relaxing and having a real break. Lazing around reading a book, ordering room service, having a massage - taking all pressure off is good for the soul!

I hope this holiday gives you a chance to truly relax and get perspective  x

[pearlsw]

I hope this holiday gives you a chance to truly relax and get perspective  x

Hi SunandMoon,

Oh, I'm a silly gal! Like my last vacation I included work on this one! I want to be busy, but I will try to get to the water and hopefully see some sites. I always like to put castles, waterfalls, and museums on my to do list, along with new foods/beverages. (I should put relaxing on my to do list!) I need to get more focused on it. I have a lot to do before I go though... .and [update coming tomorrow in a new post] my SO has been making big declarations... .and I have a lot to sort out!

Thank you again so much and I hope you have a great vacation too!

warmly, pearl.