How do I get myself in the healthiest frame of mind possible?

[pearlsw]

Hey all!

Well, the summer is here... .and I'm not sure what to do. I've felt a bit flat towards my SO for a couple months, but he's been happier than I've seen him in years.

We are scheduled to make a big decision at the start of the fall over whether we cancel this series or renew for another season.  I'm a bit tired and worn out with the main characters, not as invested in them getting together as much as I was last season.

We have some upcoming events that are gonna be relationship tests you could say: a "couple's" get together with some friends of his he's been out of touch with for ages, a family wedding [his side], and a [his] kid's visit. Nothing ever really goes well... .

I'm gonna do the couples thing with him, that was set up awhile ago and it doesn't seem right to bail, but the wedding I am 50/50 on. He spent a lot of time telling me how much his family hates me, but saying he'd fix it. I don't see the point of my spending time around a dozen or so people who have disdain for me. He really wants me to go, but isn't gonna push it on me, it's my choice he says. I am undecided. Is this a chance to heal family issues or... .is it too soon? Something I care about whether we stay together or not? I don't know where to slot this. I naturally want to "do my duty" and "do the right thing", but... .this relationship makes almost no sense to me... .with all the off/on stuff.

His kids are coming in a couple weeks. This is our first visit after a pretty disastrous holiday season at the end of last year. I've already gotten some buy in on not being here for their entire visit... .So we have a compromise on that which is nice. I think this is less stress/more fun for all.

My SO is a bit different now. He takes medication. He's more calm. He's still him though, not the best listener and not so easy as I'd like, but still, he seems to be sincerely trying and wants some more time to improve. Normally I'd want to give that, but... .he's already so far past his limit with me... .I am having trouble deciding what I have left to give if anything.

I feel the weight of his off/on stuff though... .it is so powerful... .how he manages to control the tides of reality.

Anyway, today he wanted my help with an issue with one of his kids. I never feel comfortable on this topic with him, but I always like to help folks... .even if he... .makes it tough. He irritated me a bit, but he did later let me explain why and I heard him out too. It was okay. We did well. I am gonna help him. He admitted he was impulsive and a bit drunk when he first was working on this topic.

My question is what would you do to get yourself in the healthiest frame of mind possible? He knows I am not all the way in on the relationship after the umpteenth break up threat and more drama than my system can handle... .and yet I am here and want to be a team player to the fullest extent I can be, not knowing if either of us really want a future anymore... .

thanks, pearl.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls,

I understand the place you are in completely. I believe my wife is making overtures towards getting better and maybe being a little better towards me. She is also on medication that might be helping a little, though time will tell on this part. I believe she has the ability in her to recover from this and possibly lead a normal life.

But whether or not I want to be a part of that life completely remains to be seen. I am also weighing whether to cancel or renew this show.

To answer your question, my strategy for health at the moment is to give the love I can and when I can. Before I knew about my wife's BPD I would bend in all sorts of crazy directions to make things work. I don't do that anymore.

When I can hug, I hug. When I can say something nice, I say it. When physical intimacy doesn't feel too weird, I let it happen. I am leaving myself open to the "yes" possibility first just on the chance it can happen. But I am not being fake, telling her she is my soul mate and I am in this forever. I think she gets it.

Another reason I'm investing is the kids. If I don't give her some support, she might not ever get better. I would rather see her through that and then separate if I knew it would make life better for them as well.

So I find the healthiest frame of mind to be in is one where I accept that as of right now, June 26th 2018, I do not have the available information to make the final decision on this relationship. Some day, hopefully not too long from now, I will. In the meantime, I'm taking the good when it comes and coping with the bad.

~ROE

[pearlsw]

So I find the healthiest frame of mind to be in is one where I accept that as of right now, June 26th 2018, I do not have the available information to make the final decision on this relationship. Some day, hopefully not too long from now, I will. In the meantime, I'm taking the good when it comes and coping with the bad.

~ROE

Hey ROE, 

This is all incredibly helpful and will help guide me through this tough phase over these next months! You (and your therapist?) are helping me a lot!  

Thanks for sharing about your story, all the nuance and details have a real impact.

Hopefully we all make it to be better place soon!

with much gratitude, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

He drinks daily, I am not sure the volume of it. It usually makes him happier, but today he was being difficult. I think he feels a bit rejected. I tried to validate and offer ways to handle the difference. He escalated to financial threats. He needs to inflict pain any way he can dream up.

I feel disgusted to be spoken to in this way by an intimate partner, but... .chose to try to see if there was anything to be done... .before his emotions got any more out of control.

I took a step back, tried to discuss some things with him. (Unfortunately I still have a strong, committed relationship with logic.) Tried to put us back to the same side of the issue. Sigh. Listen to the feelings, offer solutions... .He interrupts constantly, prepares an argument to attack back... .just starts riding the emotional train to Dysregulationville.

I was already exhausted for the day, sleep deprived, and was trying to do some work for my job when his mini emotional storm hit. I woke up earlier and thought it was the morning and I had to get ready for work, but I had just taken a 2 hr. nap and it was the same day.

This is not heading in a good direction... .if at this juncture drinking becomes an issue... .so help me... .not this now too... .I think he'll likely pull back, but... .who knows. Anything is possible. I'm nervous, but I'd bet on him pulling back... .

In the past he asked me to stop him if I think he's becoming addictive. I don't want to do that or any emotional work for him really. I can support, but I cannot do his emotional work.

Just hoping he has passed out for the night and will be calm tomorrow. He rarely follows up with his threats, but on this, it was just... .unnecessary. A small threat by his standards, but so d*mn insulting. I feel like he thinks I am for sale. If I don't give him what he wants when he wants, then I must lose something. It could have so easily been a win-win. But that is how he operates, that is his level, what he has to offer as a partner, insults and threats and attacking when I'm down... .

Welp. I'm fine nevertheless. Back to work. Gotta stay focused. I've got stuff to do and a life to live.

~pearl.

[CryWolf]

Your title reminded me of this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Kciv4gxycE

hmm, to be in the right frame of mind, what works for me is running and meditation. I get so much built up in my mind, that I need to release that pressure. Running gives me a runners high and the endorphins being released help regulate me. Meditation, and accepting that I cant fix/find solutions to all problems. This was my biggest problem. Making everyones problems, creating more problems for myself.

Sometimes, you just have to be "okay with whatever happens happens". It takes time. I suppose its more of a place of acceptance. That not everyone can see what you see, and not everyone will take your advice. it happens. everyone learns on their own, and has to experience their own no matter how hard you want them to see your way/do your plan of action.

i can sense youre becoming exhausted by the back and forth of your partner? The highs and lows? What do you think?

I know this can be so exhausting and detrimental. You start to lose hope, and just start to expect things to go down whenever ti goes up. You prepare yourself, and it becomes a sort of defense mechanism/habit. What do you think Pearl?

You have a lot going on and planned with the following events planned out. Its going to be rocky, and we are here for you every step of the way. 

[RolandOfEld]

This is not heading in a good direction... .if at this juncture drinking becomes an issue... .so help me... .not this now too... .In the past he asked me to stop him if I think he's becoming addictive. I don't want to do that or any emotional work for him really. I can support, but I cannot do his emotional work.

Oh pearls, I'm so sorry to hear things have gotten to this state, especially when you're so overloaded with other things.  

The financial threats hurt deeply even though they are less personal than other kinds. Does he have any financial control over your situation, and is there anything you can do to give yourself more freedom? Before I knew about my wife's BPD I handed control of all of our local accounts over to her. But she knows almost nothing about my US accounts, so I secretly transferred a little here to keep as a backup for emergencies since she has taken my bank card before or transferred money out of my account while dysregulating. I try not to use it often but it keeps me feeling safe to know its there.  

I remember all the times I myself thought, "Please God, not drinking, too. Please don't add another layer to this chaos." I suspect I will be having this thought again at some point.

In terms of him asking you to stop him, you nailed this one. Asking someone to stop them is the greatest example of personal irresponsibility.

Sending you strength,
Roland

[pearlsw]

Hey CryWolf,

Thanks for the reply! And musical interlude to my drama! ahahahahaha. That was fun. I was thinking of the 60's actually! I first starting dating during the 20 year anniversary of the so-called Summer of Love... .so, ya know, decades worth of disappointment in this part of life, along with good times, sure.  It felt like a bit of a half empty day when I first started this thread... .like, after all this, I somehow made it to full circle... .with just not a lot to show for it all... .

By the morning today I managed to joke and redirect my way out of this one. It is a bit like talking to a young child. He is not the most articulate fella... .and it is not easy to speak to him. Sometimes he grunts instead of forming sentences. I have a big thing for actual words and sentences, call me old-fashioned, so... .it just is what it is.  He seemed to get my point today, made squeaky sounds to indicate some sort of apology, and grabbed for the easiest "good for him" oriented fix for things.

I am hoping for an abduction by space aliens on the way to work.  

Yep. I am well past exhausted and running on the fumes of fumes. I try to be friendly but after all he's done it is really hard to love him... .well, I am forced to figure out what that word means for me at this point. I noticed yesterday I did feel something for him, but I could not find a word for the feeling. It came and went so fast. It may have been nostalgia or a sense of protectiveness towards him... .It's been a long week already... .I don't know how to rebuild when I am faced with... .this childishness. This lack of an ability to solve a problem without first being totally disrespected/insulted/threatened.

Thanks much for the support!

with gratitude, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Oh pearls, I'm so sorry to hear things have gotten to this state, especially when you're so overloaded with other things.  

Sending you strength,
Roland

Hey ROE,

Oh, thanks man!  

It was sort of a two-parter, a financial insult paired with a financial threat. Not the finest of pairings!

The insult had the ring of "I bought you a meal you owe me", but what I am not sure. But that phrasing sure set off some bells with me. I am about as low maintenance of a gal as there is. I'll always offer the "no money, let's do something easy" option. I have never demanded a fine meal or for money to be spent on me ever. Geez. I would look for every chance to turn down a gift and spend on the greater good anytime... .I'm practically a monk for goodness sakes... .

The second part was just what he could come up with in a pinch as a threat and I'm just gonna ignore it until he backs it up. In a nutshell: I drive our (his?) vehicle to work and am given a travel allowance by my company. I offered to give him all that money as soon as my company offered it to me, but he told me, since it is not much, to keep it. I offered to spend it on him anyway, pick up things we need from the store with it, but he said not to, but I do it anyway. I just don't want to fight over money, ever, with anyone. It's just ridiculous.

So, because I'm not spending enough time with him (?), though in fairness he's the one watching World Cup and drinking all the time, not me, I don't see how I am the one not into spending time together... .but anyway... .He was suddenly demanding, in anger, I pay him the money. Money which I had already offered, naturally, mind you. But he insisted no, I must pay him, immediately. This is, I presume, how I get punished for having feelings or not properly attending to his. I guess that is the idea? You know rather than making a simple statement like: "I'd like to spend more time together" and me being able to say "Great! Let's plan something." (He was calm enough later I could explain this basic concept and let him "book" some time together. Sigh.)

So, I just thought... .whatever man. Whatever. I did not get into it about the money. I would pay it to him no problem, it makes no difference to me financially. It is what it represents, that I am... .well, all of this makes me feel like an object and someone who you can just mess with, mess with my work and me when you don't get what you want instead of acting like a responsible, thoughtful adult. And what he said is pretty lousy considering the financial rung of the ladder I've had to stoop to to be with him and support him where he needs to live and be in his country of choice, at my personal expense, for now at least.

But I know him. He'll be kinda sorry and I know try to spend money on me to win me back over. I will not be happy enough for his tastes again at some point and... .round and round we go.

I told him directly that he made me feel like I am something that is for sale, and I'm not for sale. I will not be talked to with such threats. Period. He backed down. At the least his medication gives me a bit of a chance to deal with him. But, it does upset me. It is so immature. But I'm okay and just moving on with my day. I'll find other things to make me smile. The wildflowers are great at this time of the year and the farms look so picturesque! Wish I could hug a cow!

with sadness and regret, pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Just a quick hi, Pearlsw,

I’m sorry to hear it’s lousy, and golly that does not sound good to me either. I am glad that you’re finding joy in the little things. Self care, guarding your heart, thinking ahead, gratitude for the flowers... .that sounds like my cup of tea!

Interestingly, since you mentioned wanting to hug a cow, S5 and I DID get to hug a cow earlier this spring, it was a calf who got kicked after it was born, and it didn’t make it. Hugging it, trying to get it to help live, it would kick its hooves a lot.

We ended up with a puppy instead, . That’s a lot of work!
Do you have any friends with horses? S5 loves visiting the horses our friends have. They’re good therapy too. Hugs!
Dig.

[pearlsw]

Just a quick hi, Pearlsw,
I am glad that you’re finding joy in the little things.
Dig.

Well hey Dig! That is so sweet! So nice to hear from you dear!

I actually wish my SO could have a puppy - I think it would be the extra companionship he needs. Like a kid having it, I'd end up doing all the work! We're too high off the ground here to make that practical unfortunately... .

There are a lot of cows in my neighborhood. I'd hug 'em if I could, but the next best thing is to stop the bike and watch them for a bit. Name a few for fun. Sing to them. Whatever strikes my fancy!

He's home any minute, hoping for him to be in a good mood so the night won't be a drag! 

take care and thank you!

~ pearl.

[pearlsw]

He was in a good mood, until he wasn't.

Just for the record, rather than have a two-way conversation like adults he tells me he is “unhappy with our relationship and is looking for someone.”

But this weekend we are supposed to get together with another couple - something we have really never done in all these years. It was an effort he started last month that is bearing fruit, doing "normal" couple things. I don’t know how to stand next to him in front of other humans as if we are a “normal” couple.

After him saying this I just wanted to say “I think you should go to this couple’s thing alone then.” or “Take your ‘someone’ and I'll be staying in” but I held my tongue. He’s a little tipsy or drunk I guess and extra sensitive. He just doesn't get some basic things about relationships and it's like having to reinvent the wheel to get anywhere with him. There is no basic mutual basis of understanding... .Who knows. Just hope he sleeps and stays off my back.

He can’t quite grasp why he is so repellant. Sigh. I tried to reach out to him earlier, but it just is going nowhere at the moment... .he's just wrecking things.

[pearlsw]

I don't threaten to leave him. I don't make threats, but he can see my love fading after all his threats/insults... .His emotions are so strong he can barely handle hearing about mine. When he does hear how I feel... .well, he said this morning he "wants to die and should just kill himself" for all he's said and done. I have compassion for him, but he's seeing the writing on the wall.

About the upcoming wedding on his family's side, he now insists they don't all hate me. Who knows. I am naturally programmed to feel obligated on "family" stuff. I met the obligation to do a "couple's thing" together with some very nice people yesterday, and it went well although earlier in the week he called off the relationship, again, as I take it, with his ugly words.

I was not even sad thinking they must have a happy life. Who knows if they do or don't. It was a nice time... .a beautiful place, great food, music and a wonderful, idyllic view. My SO looked so happy.

I sat at the lake, with a head full of memories, and wondering what is the right thing for my life. He was charming, funny, interesting... .but I feel pretty flat about it. I am proud of him though for getting his job in the midst of a major depressive episode and managing to get early confirmation that he is a permanent hire - that is amazing given all he is struggling with.

It was a lot to hear him catching up with his old friends and reliving the last years of our relationship, the semi-sanitized version, in front of them. We didn't clean it all up, but just enough. But still, my goodness, what a rough ride it's been. I am amazed at how much happened. Unreal.

I just want to figure out how to bring my insides back to life. Today I will get some exercise and enjoy the sunshine and get ready for my upcoming solo trip. I hope it is restful and brings me some peace.

thanks for reading,

~pearl.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi pearlsw,

It sounds like he recognizes something is wrong with his past behaviors, yet seems hopeless and shameful.

I thought it this, partly because I’m reading it... .it’s co-written by one of my former professors. There’s clear explanation of attachment, poor attachments that lead to poor behaviors, and HOPE for healing! Hope! It’s promising.

I wonder if maybe he would be open to reading and learning to understand himself and he’s himself? If he’s like my husband, the worst is he’ll eithet say yes or no. Sometimes a rant about it, along with the no.

I’m glad the visit went ok with the friends.

The book is called, Attachments: Why you love feel and act the way you do, by Clinton and Sibcy.

Dig

[pearlsw]

Funny thing. He just walked in, insists no one hates me and he'll "fix it all." He is afraid I'll leave him and is begging me to never leave him. He woke me up from a nap to tell me this. He's had one cocktail so far today, after work, and I don't like to talk to him about emotional stuff when he is like this. But he is "praying to God" to save our marriage and is "so sorry for all he ever said or did" and "will do anything I ask" and he is saying this on his knees. I did not ask for this and it is a bit of a shock - the knees part. This would have been me years ago, but now he wants things to work. I don't know if it is too late or not. I just don't know. But he won't let up with the pressure. It gets higher and higher on me.

[CryWolf]

It sounds like you might need some space? And he notices you being unsure so he feels abandonment coming on perhaps? so he begs for you not to leave.

[pearlsw]

It sounds like you might need some space? And he notices you being unsure so he feels abandonment coming on perhaps? so he begs for you not to leave.

Hi CryWolf,

Yes, exactly! I've needed space for years and couldn't manage to get any, but I am about to get some and I'm pretty happy. I hate to say it, but I enjoy not seeing him every day. He appreciates me more when I am not around and I have a chance to refill my reserves of patience. I am nervous because he still make threats to me via email when I am away, but those are easier to ignore, unless he really decides to launch a war against me.

He was on his knees again today! I woke up, went to the bathroom, hadn't said hi yet, and when I came out he was there on his knees again begging for me to love him, etc. I hope this doesn't become a regular thing. His words just don't mean much to me, poor guy.

Later he was at it again, LOVING me and I told him that was nice of him to say, but I have heard many such promises before and he should really consider DBT therapy to help him with changing his behaviors. We'll see... .it won't happen this month and our clock is running out... .we really only have August and September until we decide to stay together longer or not.

thanks man! ~pearl.

[Bright_80]

Your title reminded me of this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Kciv4gxycE

Sometimes, you just have to be "okay with whatever happens happens". It takes time. I suppose its more of a place of acceptance.

Yes, just the other day my pwBPD had one of the worst dysregulations in a long time. Threatening divorce, etc. I have a friend I can discuss some of our relationship with. She asked how I could be so calm at the time (I'm not always!). I realized it was due to the fact that he would either calm down in a day or 2 (which usually happens) or it would be the final straw and he would leave and we would be over forever. Either way, my life would soon be calm.

[desperate.wife]

It is really intense. I can't imagine how it must be to live like that for years. I am new at this, and I am exhausted. Admire your strength and enthusiasm. Going through all that and having time to say nice and helpful things to others. Thank you.

My husband too got scared when felt that it is me that might leave. Even though he mentioned divorce 5 times before. He is trying. Will see. It is first times for us so I am willing to try, but if it is like that the rest of my life... .I'd rather not think about it for now.

I don’t know how to put oneself in the healthiest frame of mind possible in such situations. I am not good at it. I'm dependent on his moods. And I have my own issues. I am really hoping that mediation class will help my mental health. It is promising to make you find your true self with your own wishes, goals and thoughts, and not those learned or expected by others. It promises relaxed state of mind even in difficult situations. I hope to achieve that. Why not to try. It is for free.

But it does sound that you are ready to leave. That is already good thing. Knowing it is ok to leave. I will try if the other one really tries, but I can go, no problem. It is better than trying because you are afraid to go and you feel miserable because you feel trapped.

When all this started at the beginning of the year in secondhand bookshop, I found book about accepting things as they are. My life was changing and reading just few chapters of it made me feel better. I should go back to reading it. It is about how to see things as they are and not how we wish them to be. It doesn’t mean we have to be ok with everything that happens to us. It just shows how to make decisions based on reality and not expectations.
 

[pearlsw]

Yes, just the other day my pwBPD had one of the worst dysregulations in a long time. Threatening divorce, etc. I have a friend I can discuss some of our relationship with. She asked how I could be so calm at the time (I'm not always!). I realized it was due to the fact that he would either calm down in a day or 2 (which usually happens) or it would be the final straw and he would leave and we would be over forever. Either way, my life would soon be calm.

Hey Bright_80,

Yes, after a certain number of breakups, someone repeatedly saying the sky is falling, but it doesn't and words just lose all meaning. I don't panic much anymore, but I do feel worn out.

Life could be so simple and easy. How hard is it? You buy food, you cook, you talk, you have sex, you run errands, you work, etc., etc... What's all the drama for?

[pearlsw]

It is really intense. I can't imagine how it must be to live like that for years. I am new at this, and I am exhausted. Admire your strength and enthusiasm. Going through all that and having time to say nice and helpful things to others. Thank you.

My husband too got scared when felt that it is me that might leave. Even though he mentioned divorce 5 times before. He is trying. Will see. It is first times for us so I am willing to try, but if it is like that the rest of my life... .I'd rather not think about it for now.

I don’t know how to put oneself in the healthiest frame of mind possible in such situations.

But it does sound that you are ready to leave. That is already good thing. Knowing it is ok to leave. I will try if the other one really tries, but I can go, no problem. It is better than trying because you are afraid to go and you feel miserable because you feel trapped.
 

Oh thanks. It lets me feel more like myself and it is a chance to take something back that he took from me years ago - my ability to write. He is so paranoid when he hears me typing that I cut it down when he was around. I still do somewhat, but I am clawing my back to normalcy in this area of my life.

I don't know if I am ready to leave, I haven't had the mental space to really examine why I am still with him, what is left of this burning ember, but I have had to mentally prepare for that - to not be together. He forced me to have to.

I wanted this to be my last relationship and I came into it with that frame of mind very firmly fixed in place... .like an alligator biting down on something! In some ways it has kept us together - my sheer determination to make this work, but it has also kept me with him a lot longer than I might have been otherwise. We definitely would not have made it this far together back in my home country. The hardest piece for me is that it is very clear to me that he is ill. I just wish it wasn't an illness that was being as a weapon against me.

Thanks for these nice tips and thoughts! I really appreciate your insights and support!

sincerely, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Yes, exactly! I've needed space for years and couldn't manage to get any, but I am about to get some and I'm pretty happy. I hate to say it, but I enjoy not seeing him every day.

Long term, where do you see this relationship going? Would you like to settle down and have a future with him? What changes do you want to see him make in order for you to stay? You mentioned DBT. If he does DBT will you think that could possibly make things better?

I too have stayed in my rs with my BPDex and always wondered why Im staying. I did feel so much better when I was away from her. I even had to lie that I was sleeping, just so I can go on instagram or social media just to have space from her... It was sad.

[pearlsw]

Long term, where do you see this relationship going? Would you like to settle down and have a future with him? What changes do you want to see him make in order for you to stay? You mentioned DBT. If he does DBT will you think that could possibly make things better?

I too have stayed in my rs with my BPDex and always wondered why Im staying. I did feel so much better when I was away from her. I even had to lie that I was sleeping, just so I can go on instagram or social media just to have space from her... It was sad.

Hi Crywolf,

Technically, we are legally married. We did this at a time that was less than ideal and he began to undermine it right away. We discussed getting married in a nicer way at a later point but his life got swept away with some unexpected legal drama with his ex and kids. Given this and the breakup threats I never really saw this as a marriage, not in the sense I expected. It did feel like a weight and a chain at times. That piece of paper is pretty serious... .and also meaningless at the same time for me.

I am able to exist independently of societal visions of marriage. It just is what it is. If a few things fell into place and we could love each other enough and in a healthy way I suppose we could marry. That is not my goal though at the moment. I just want some peace of mind and some room to get beyond survival mode.

I am weighing a lot. Even if this relationship was great I am struggling work-wise living overseas and I am at a crossroads in life. Do I cut my losses and go back to my home country? I'd start at the bottom and have to struggle tooth and nail to get back to a decent standard of living. It would take years and would take a big toll on me mentally. My life back home is nothing like it was before. I am also not very good at asking for support so I'd be carrying it alone... .

Or do I stay with him and work on the relationship and make it the best it can be under the circumstances? He seems to genuinely love me if not be able to handle a relationship very well, sadly enough. I struggle with wondering if I still owe him this or I should only think of myself. It is not an easy decision, but it will be a final one when it comes and I trust it will at exactly the right time.

He came to me tonight and told very calmly and quietly that maybe I should leave him so I could be happy. He is hurting because I am having a hard time loving him. But I am having this hard time because he's broken with me so many times in so many ways that his words just don't mean much. He feels awful about all that has happened. He wants to make it work.

There are a few pretty deep and complex factors that make me feel like I can’t keep doing this - when I think of them. Other times I just don’t think of these factors and have to focus on my daily life and just keep living in the present.

The other factors have to do with things he said and did in the last year that were pretty extreme. It is hard to give him my usual loyalty and trust, but…if I can’t give him that, and if he can’t trust me either…well, we are heading towards a break up. It doesn’t feel like it is right on the horizon, it could take awhile, but if another hugely stressful event occurs that could change the calculation. I’d consider pulling the plug immediately.

I am torn. If I had a good job I think I would leave and just live alone and independently for many, many years. Maybe forever. And put romantic relationships behind me entirely and focus on all of my hobbies and interests and work instead, and try to make friends again. That has a lot of appeal for me. After so many tries I am not sure I am a good match for anyone or anyone is a good match for me. I mean I had good times and lots of love, but everyone I meet sooner or later seems to bring my life down and throw me off the path of success I was trying to make for myself…I would like some kind of “success” in life, that is important to me. I chose a chance at a lifetime commitment over a career and have neither now to speak of. I wish I’d chosen work instead of love. I wish I could have had both, but it wasn’t possible at the time...

I would like to wipe out my college debt and just work helping others. I would find that most enjoyable and the least damaging. I think maybe talking to and comforting older people would be nice. But who knows what will become of me…He is pulling on me a lot to stay…when he is not pushing me away. It is making me very numb.

I would just like to have a lot less stress, good physical health, and enjoy being able to help others. Romantic love isn’t making a lot of sense to me anymore - it has hurt me a lot in these past years and I've lost some of my faith in it all. I am wondering if there is a place past it all, past that kind of love, and to something more affirming for my life.

thank you for asking!

~pearl.

[CryWolf]

I could relate so much with you Pearl.   

It seems like you are in a crossroads right now, and are torn. I know how it feels to feel numb to your partners words after all they've said and the damage they've done. Love, affection, romance everything becomes desensitized.

You guard yourself, and become cautious. 

I can tell you do love him, and you want a rs with him, but on terms that he wont cause anymore damage right?

Are there any new job prospects in your area you can pursue? Are you going to a gym? And how about offering to volunteer as a senior home once a week or so and help around old folks? These may be little things but its something in the meantime, to give you space from him and focus more on everything you wanted to do?

Whatever decision you choose, make one that will make you happy. I know its scary.
We are here for you Pearl 

[pearlsw]

I could relate so much with you Pearl.  

It seems like you are in a crossroads right now, and are torn. I know how it feels to feel numb to your partners words after all they've said and the damage they've done. Love, affection, romance everything becomes desensitized.

You guard yourself, and become cautious.  

I can tell you do love him, and you want a rs with him, but on terms that he wont cause anymore damage right?

Are there any new job prospects in your area you can pursue? Are you going to a gym? And how about offering to volunteer as a senior home once a week or so and help around old folks? These may be little things but its something in the meantime, to give you space from him and focus more on everything you wanted to do?

Whatever decision you choose, make one that will make you happy. I know its scary.
We are here for you Pearl  

Hi CryWolf,

Want one might be a stretch, be willing to have one is more my current territory. But as I've been telling him for years, before I had any idea that he had mental health issues, but just thought he was difficult... .Well, I've had relationships with very little conflict in them. I am not saying there weren't issues, but I went two years with my first boyfriend who no significant disagreements to speak of, and I never really even saw my parents fight.

That is how I want to live. I want quiet, peace, good communication. I don't want games or drama or tension or major unhappiness.

I know I am probably really grasping here to think being with him could be what I want. I am torn by those commitments and promises you make when you start up with something. He totally violated what a relationship is about really, but... .I still feel a bit protective of him. I also harbor some fears, I'm just realizing, of him committing suicide if I leave him. I will not let that stop me, but I noticed that feeling in my gut today and that is pretty heavy and will take some time to sort out.

It would be nice if I could feel anywhere near like I did when he and I first met. But in all honesty there was a lot of pain back then too. I worked with it because he'd lost his kids and I... .we both felt we making a fresh start in life. A lot of things happened to him that were horrible and out of his control and I believe he is genuinely sorry for how he's treated me and he wants to make amends... .

But the damage to me is real and I don't know what to do about it yet.

thanks for checking on me buddy! you're so kind!

wishing you love, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

Oh thanks. It lets me feel more like myself and it is a chance to take something back that he took from me years ago - my ability to write. He is so paranoid when he hears me typing that I cut it down when he was around. I still do somewhat, but I am clawing my back to normalcy in this area of my life.

Happy you can do it again. I used to like writing in school. Recently, I felt the need to do it. Good mental exercise. I was going to do writing workshop with a woman who does it with meditation and I heard said that it is better than therapist. My husband supports it. But I couldn't go, coz he went to hospital. I also missed deadline for permanent classes of writing, I'll try in September. Who knows, maybe there'll be one spot left for me and my girl (they have group for kids, while moms are studying). So I write here, but it takes lot of my time, as I have to read 10 times what I wrote to make it readable Helps me stay sane.

I don't know if I am ready to leave, I haven't had the mental space to really examine why I am still with him, what is left of this burning ember, but I have had to mentally prepare for that - to not be together. He forced me to have to.

I know what you mean. I hope that you’ll have enough time to think about it on your vacation.
At times, I would have thought that it is not right, lack of emotional connection. But I have never really thought why I was with him. Inertia. I don't like change. And we did have good times. I still rather stay if we can be family, but I know now that I could go. It wouldn't be bad.

I wanted this to be my last relationship and I came into it with that frame of mind very firmly fixed in place... .like an alligator biting down on something! In some ways it has kept us together - my sheer determination to make this work, but it has also kept me with him a lot longer than I might have been otherwise. We definitely would not have made it this far together back in my home country. The hardest piece for me is that it is very clear to me that he is ill. I just wish it wasn't an illness that was being as a weapon against me.

Good point about not making it that far at home. I think I wouldn't have either. I didn't know he was ill. It was just odd things he does, says, the way he interacts with people and lack of emotional communications and interest in most of the things that was important to me, lack of encouragement. I feel sometimes that I am not my best version because of all this. Like partners has to help each other grow. I feel I am at the same place I was all theses years ago. Now, that I know it is BPD, I don't know how to feel about it. It shouldn't be the weapon against us... .But on other hand, in sickness and health... .I just don’t know how to deal with my emotions being so dependent on his.

wish you calm day or night.

[desperate.wife]

Want one might be a stretch, be willing to have one is more my current territory. But as I've been telling him for years, before I had any idea that he had mental health issues, but just thought he was difficult... .Well, I've had relationships with very little conflict in them. I am not saying there weren't issues, but I went two years with my first boyfriend who no significant disagreements to speak of, and I never really even saw my parents fight.

That is how I want to live. I want quiet, peace, good communication. I don't want games or drama or tension or major unhappiness.

I know I am probably really grasping here to think being with him could be what I want. I am torn by those commitments and promises you make when you start up with something. He totally violated what a relationship is about really, but... .I still feel a bit protective of him. I also harbor some fears, I'm just realizing, of him committing suicide if I leave him. I will not let that stop me, but I noticed that feeling in my gut today and that is pretty heavy and will take some time to sort out.

It would be nice if I could feel anywhere near like I did when he and I first met. But in all honesty there was a lot of pain back then too.

But the damage to me is real and I don't know what to do about it yet.

I can second almost every word.

Reading your posts it is like reading my thought's, just well organised. I have the same doubts about going back to my country and starting from zero, or staying and working things out here. Just we have a kid, so I can't just think about myself. If I don't think about myself I want to make it work. I just need to learn to be happy with what I have, and help him through his struggle without getting emotionally involved. I don't know how to do that. But if I start thinking all those things you are writing about... .I also know I am very sensitive on my monthly cycle, which is worst on stressful situations. I have relaxed clear few days and then the rest is pms. But as bad pms is only when I am stressed, maybe that’s when my real feelings manifests? Not on those few clear days? So I don’t know based on which feelings I should make decisions.

[waysforward]

I thought the ROE's summary of how to maintain balance in the midst of a BP's downturn was right on:

"So I find the healthiest frame of mind to be in is one where I accept that as of right now, June 26th 2018, I do not have the available information to make the final decision on this relationship. Some day, hopefully not too long from now, I will. In the meantime, I'm taking the good when it comes and coping with the bad."

I will be keeping this in mind as I navigate through the next few weeks.  My BP spouse and I are under contract to sell the house we raised our kids in and moving to FLA. This is a stressful scenario for anyone and of course amplifies the BP emotional volatility dramatically.  Right now every day is a trial by fire for me--I have finally resolved to get some counseling for myself from a professional that is versed in this topic.

The latest eruption that I can't get out of my head is something she spewed at me during an hours long tirade:  'I'd rather slit my wrists than spend another day with you.'  If I were dealing with a rational person, I would already be gone and hiring the lawyer; but I am planning to gut it out until this move is over and see where this horror movie stands at that point.

WF

[pearlsw]

I thought the ROE's summary of how to maintain balance in the midst of a BP's downturn was right on:

"So I find the healthiest frame of mind to be in is one where I accept that as of right now, June 26th 2018, I do not have the available information to make the final decision on this relationship. Some day, hopefully not too long from now, I will. In the meantime, I'm taking the good when it comes and coping with the bad."

I will be keeping this in mind as I navigate through the next few weeks.  My BP spouse and I are under contract to sell the house we raised our kids in and moving to FLA. This is a stressful scenario for anyone and of course amplifies the BP emotional volatility dramatically.  Right now every day is a trial by fire for me--I have finally resolved to get some counseling for myself from a professional that is versed in this topic.

The latest eruption that I can't get out of my head is something she spewed at me during an hours long tirade:  'I'd rather slit my wrists than spend another day with you.'  If I were dealing with a rational person, I would already be gone and hiring the lawyer; but I am planning to gut it out until this move is over and see where this horror movie stands at that point.

WF

Hi WF,

Oh yes! ROE gave us a piece of gold there with that statement!

I am so sorry to hear that you had to hear these words. And yes, sometimes we just get crisis to crisis... .

My SO is on his way now to the airport to pick up his kids and by the time he gets back, or within hours, he will be a completely different person I am afraid. We did have a short talk about this earlier. He let me talk for awhile uninterrupted. I keep it short because he feels so much shame over all he's done and how he's treated me. He is listening more though to my misgivings and doubts which I appreciate.

I am nervous though. Just counting the hours until I can be asleep again and free of the worries of waking life.

with compassion, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

How did it go?How are you feeling? Kids are still with you?

[pearlsw]

How did it go?How are you feeling? Kids are still with you?

Hi desperate.wife,

I was really torn up inside about going to the wedding with my SO. Part of me naturally just shows up and “does relationship” as if life is “normal”. Another part of me…well, long story short…(reminder to self) life isn't "normal". He pressured me, but was mostly nice about it I guess, it felt hard to say no. Nothing about this relationship makes any sense to me at the moment.

He kept saying I didn’t have to go, but would not stop with the pressure. Although he was “nice”, when I really look at it he just does what he wants and has a hard time recognizing my feelings though he is trying to improve I must admit. I’m feeling pretty confused all in all.

He and his kids are here for a few days and then take off on a camping trip. A few days later I take off on my solo vacation. Not the “couple life” I dreamed of, but I am going to make the best of it!

Normally I like traveling alone, but this feels a bit lonely. But, I am looking for ways to enhance my trip (extra places to see, mini goals to set with it) and I am sure I will have a great time. But I was just realizing last night I really have no one to share my life with. I don’t have close friends, no one to listen to the whims of my heart, what excites me, makes me happy, etc. I am more isolated than I notice at times! I say this because yesterday when I tried to tell people about my last trip (just to fill the silence) no one seemed that interested - and I am not boring! hahahahaah. But I am just not connected to anyone - I don't have "a person", but that is adult life for ya - people are busy with their families. I realized there were aspects of my last trip I’ve shared with no one and likely never will. I just don’t have anyone to talk with, anyone who has the time or patience or interest in listening to me... .to really get to know me deeply. I am not sure how to solve that in the short-term. It takes time to build those kinds of close friendships... .

with gratitude, pearl.