Illness & Family: Partner not welcome at family gatherings, Am i on right path?

[ortac77]

Hi

Its been a while since i posted on the boards, which is indicative that the past few months have been pretty good. My pwBPD has been engaging in therapy and I have also which has led me to pursuing interests outside of the relationship with a new hobby (which I really enjoy) and feeling positive about my retirement early next year.

He still has issues around sleep and so is often 'out of synch' with me, this used to really bug me but now I just get on with my life whilst also valuing our time together rather than stressing about it. Our relationship is in a much better place than it has been.

At the moment he is undergoing investigations into possible bowel cancer, all a bit concerning for anyone and is handling it better than I might expect although whilst it sounds an odd thing to say I kind of detect that he is rather enjoying the attention having told people he has cancer when in fact nothing has yet been confirmed. Whist of course I am concerned and am being supportive I am aware that his condition has always been one that leads to him claiming illness as a reason for not really doing much with his life and because I can be honest on these boards there is a part of me thinking 'you will play this one for all its worth'. So its all a bit challenging at the moment getting the right level of supportiveness whist also allowing him responsibility for his own choices.



This has raised another issue (which I thought had been settled) - earlier this year he sent some unpleasant texts to my sister and nephews wife that caused some bad feeling due to unwarranted accusations that my nephews wife was an alcoholic and that my sister had been bad mouthing her. I did my best to try and be peacemaker but the nett result Is that my nephews wife is not talking to my sister and my partner is being blamed for this by my sister. Of course that means that she wants nothing to do with him. I spoke to my nephew about this and he said that whilst my partners accusations had caused some bad feeling the real issue between his wife and mother in law was much deeper and related to comments that my sister had made directly to her about her drinking and other issues.

I haven't told my partner this but as she has said he is not welcome at any family get togethers it will of course become apparent.

Families! Part of me wants of course to rush in and be peacemaker, but taking a step back I also feel that I am being asked to choose between my pwBPD or my Sister (she has always been a matriarchal figure and does not approve of my partner). So I am going to leave well alone, not say anything to my partner and wait and see how this plays out. Any peacemaking on my part is only likely to rebound on me and whatever my family might think I so love my pwBPD and we have travelled a difficult path together, at the same time I have no desire to fall out with my sister and whilst understanding that she is upset it is not for me to resolve her issues with my nephews wife.

Am I on the right path here... ?

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[pearlsw]

Hi ortac77,

Oh yes! It's been awhile.   Glad to hear you have been having fun with your new hobby and that you are looking forward to retirement. 

As I read your post and reflect on how I feel very misunderstood lately. I tell ya, a part of me would just want to bury my head in the sand in the face of what you've described!

Do you think any amount of peace-making would make a difference? Is the personal price too high? How do you expect things to play out between your partner and your family if you don't speak up ahead of time in some way? Any chance your sister is less upset about this now and could roll with things? Or do you expect drama?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[ortac77]

Hi Pearl

I am not sure that any peace making would make a difference, although I was highly critical of my partner at the time the more I have reflected on things I can see that:

My sister does 'judge' people and she has been quite critical of her daughter-in-law and this has come back to bite her, it is perhaps convenient for her to blame my partner solely?

My nephews wife can also be a stubborn person.

There has always been a bit of a family attitude that I am stupid for persevering with my relationship.

I don't know how things will play out but honestly feel a bit like I want to bash all their heads together and say 'grow up  life is too short' - it is probably best that I let things go, if the situation is going to prevail there is little I can do about it anyway?

In Peace

[pearlsw]

Hi ortac77,

It's interesting to talk to someone who is a family peacemaker! Has that ever worked? Have you had results with that kind of thing?

So will you be able to bring your partner to family get togethers that your sister is also at? Are you forced to sort of work your way around this feud between them? Did you partner express any remorse for his negative comments?

How do you feel about the family attitude toward you? Do you manage okay with it or does it make you feel bad, or... .?

take care, pearl.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Ortac

Nice to see you again and it's great to hear that your relationship with your partner is in a better place!

The possibility of bowel cancer is scary... .I do hope he is okay and it turns out to be something else. 

I remember you posting about the texts to family members before. It's annoying and unfortunate that he did this, but I think you are on the right path - they are all adults and need to sort their own problems out.

One thing that I personally would do in your situation is not give in to your partner being excluded from family events. He is your partner and you have as much right as any family member to have your partner by your side at family get togethers. How they each behave is their business and they will need to sort it out themselves. Hopefully, face to face, it will resolve itself.

I think your decision to not say anything to your partner nor play the peacemaker is sound. But, by trying to exclude your partner, your sister is trying to force you to take sides... .I would refuse to be part of that too.

[ortac77]

Hi Again Pearl & Sun & moon


I take your point Pearl, I am a peacemaker as a kind of default position but actually it rarely works and usually puts me in a stressful place I could do without! So this time no not playing that role.

I am kind of forced to work my way around this one, my partner regrets sending the texts but I don't think quite gets the effect of his behaviours on others nor can always see how this effects me (the difference between BPD thinking and non thinking). Equally my sister ( quite a bit older) is of that generation that mental illness is not 'real' and people should just 'pull themselves together'. The family attitude towards me was bothering me but the more I think it through I see that there is an element of treating me in a way that is not acceptable and in my mid sixties I am not prepared to tolerate it.

Sun & Moon thanks - I think I am on the right path here and I am going to speak to my sister and whilst acknowledging her upset make it clear that if she wishes to exclude my partner then that is not acceptable to me, maybe with time the situation will resolve itself? Its funny a few months ago I felt my partner was forcing me to take sides and yes now my sister is doing the same and I a not going to play along.

Not least I think I am somewhat disappointed at the childish attitude being displayed all round,

Thanks for your thoughts

In peace

Ortac

[pearlsw]

Hi ortac77 and SunandMoon,   

I have to say I am impressed with SunandMoon's attitude about partner's being included! Bravo! I made a similar move a few weeks back with my SO. I was being excluded from some things and in response he made an effort to make his family aware I should be included. I didn't honestly care whether I was included or not, but I did care how he treated me about it. Just him caring and making an effort was enough for me. I don't need to be around people who don't like me so much.

ortac77, do you think a bit of validating her feelings, your sister I mean, but not validating the invalid might work?

sincerely, pearl.

[ortac77]

Hi Pearl

Yes I will certainly try that, it may be the best way forward

Thanks

Ortac