Miss physical touch so much -- cuddling, hugging, etc. Anyone else?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Having a rough day. I just feel so lonely. It's not that I want to be in a relationship again--I know I'm not ready for that. Nor do I want to just hook up with someone. But I miss cuddling on the couch, long hugs, kissing, etc.
 For all of his issues, my ex was good at giving affection. He'd lean up against the kitchen counter or couch and pull me in for a good, long hug after work -- or just any time. I miss sex, too, of course, but more than that I miss the physical intimacy. Snuggling in bed for a Sunday afternoon nap, just all of the above. After six years of regular affection, now I have occasional hugs from family or friends, which is better than nothing, but there's still a huge void for me. I ache from missing it all, enough to want to cry sometimes.
Does anyone else feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it?

[WindofChange]

Having a rough day. I just feel so lonely. It's not that I want to be in a relationship again--I know I'm not ready for that. Nor do I want to just hook up with someone. But I miss cuddling on the couch, long hugs, kissing, etc.
 For all of his issues, my ex was good at giving affection. He'd lean up against the kitchen counter or couch and pull me in for a good, long hug after work -- or just any time. I miss sex, too, of course, but more than that I miss the physical intimacy. Snuggling in bed for a Sunday afternoon nap, just all of the above. After six years of regular affection, now I have occasional hugs from family or friends, which is better than nothing, but there's still a huge void for me. I ache from missing it all, enough to want to cry sometimes.
Does anyone else feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it?

[BeagleGirl]

I have definitely felt the same. Enough so that I researched it and found the term “skin hunger”.

My boys are teenagers so I don’t get cuddles from them. One of my dogs is more willing to snuggle, but that’s not quite the same.

I started getting massages on a regular basis. It’s not a hug or a snuggle, but it does help with the basic need for touch. I also volunteer in my church nursery and preschool where the kids want to be held and hugged.

With all of that, I do still really miss being held and it’s been so long since I’ve been kissed that I think I’ve forgotten how. When my grandma died this past Sunday I think I would have paid a stranger to hold me while I cried. I made do with my snuggly dog, but it was rough.

That said, I don’t miss having those things from my dBPDxh. He was fairly selfish when it came to physical affection and the price of having him touch me is far too high.

BG

[pearlsw]

Hi WindofChange,

When I have been single for long stretches (and short ones for that matter) I have missed being touched. At a certain point it almost feels like you don't exist without any touch.

I'm withBeagleGirl on this one, sometimes the price of touch can be too high.

If I am single in the future I think I'd rather find every alternative in terms of touch like she mentions: massages, hugs from family members and friends, etc.

I never knew touch could be so damaged and unpleasant until I was with my SO. It has been both eye-opening and very painful.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[WindofChange]

Beaglegirl, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I was very close to my mom's mother, and I remember how awful that was to lose her. I'm sure this is a rough time for you. 

I have two college age sons, so while they will hug me hello and good-bye, they don't want to cuddle anymore either. It's good that you have a snuggly dog, but I agree, not quite the same.

Maybe I should try getting a massage. It's worth a try and would be relaxing if nothing else.
Despite everything else, my physical relationship with my ex was really great, like nothing I'd ever experienced before. Not just good sex, but amazing physical intimacy and closeness. He said it was for him, too. I guess that's part of why I miss it so much. He wasn't selfish in that way. He could be very mean and was self-centered in other ways, had a victim mentality, was lazy, and a liar... .but the physical thing was so good I think I often turned a blind eye to the other things. I made excuses for him because of his childhood trauma.

But I agree with what you're both saying, Beaglegirl and Pearlsw. The price of it ultimately would be too high, because of all the other things. He broke my heart, wrecked my self-esteem. And I allowed it. So despite this really bad day and the "skin hunger," no, I'd never go back, never contact him again. I'll try the massages instead.

[spacecadet]

Definitely can relate. My cat is my stand in

I'm sorry you lost your grandmother.

[Lady Itone]

Me too, Wind Of Change,

My exgfBPD was the first person to ever give me enough touch, both affectionate and sexual. For once in my life, I felt satiated.

Then I had to walk away from her. I still fantasize about her touch every day. For a while, I had the most fulfilling sex life, and this gorgeous body in my bed most nights. Now I don't have any of that, and it sucks.

I haven't figured out how to fix it. My closest friends tend to be touchy-feely types, so that's nice. I was thinking of adopting a pair of guinea pigs or bunnies to love on, I don't know. I started sleeping with a teddy bear. 

[Harley Quinn]

I'm right with you on this WindofChange. 

I had the ideal type of physical intimacy for me with my ex and the sex was on another level.  We really connected in this regard and as Lady Itone says, for the first time in my life I felt satiated.  For a while I couldn't be around my sofa!  Because we spent so many evenings stretched out in one another's arms there feeling blissfully content.  He said it was all new for him as he'd never been 'cuddly' before and I believe him as the first time I hugged him as friends he was very wooden.  Once we became closer he was initiating physical intimacy all the time and I missed that so badly after it was over.

It's nearly 18 months now and I can say it gets less acute, but the longing is still there for that closeness in my case.  Not enough that I'd take it indiscriminately though.  I've found the more love I give myself in what I do for myself the less difficult and uncomfortable it is to not have that in my everyday life.  I'm content in getting it right next time with someone who can maintain a healthy r/s and something sustainable.  Meantime I take my hugs where I can get them (2 cats, S4, friends) and found sports massage for some injuries I sustained from training had an additional bonus of satisfying that need for touch. 

Getting massages is an excellent plan BG and one I'm going to remember to plan in for myself.  So sorry to hear about your Grandma.  I hope your family can find peace in the memory and celebration of her life 

Love and light x

[Lostinthedesert]

Reading all of your words totally reminds me of what I am also missing.  I had that same wonderful physical connection with my ex until she started taking it away.  I noticed that she pulled back and seemed to have the control of any sexual intimacy and it was hurtful.  Knowing her past history of sexual and domestic abuse, I would never push and respected her choice, but now I look at it more as simply one of her ways to control me... .intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful type of reinforcement as you may know!  So I totally agree with others who recommend massage, hugs from friends, and the unconditional love of animals as ways to curb that hunger. And remind yourself of how that one special part of your ex was still a very high price to pay for all of the other parts that were cruel or withdrawn or so very frustrating.  I am learning that this just keeps coming down to learning to truly value, forgive, and love ourselves... .even though those are sometimes hard things to do.  I so hope that everyone is right when they say it gets better with time.

[Zemmma]

Absolutely! That's the worst part in all of this.

The worst thing to come to terms with. That and the emotional bond, which to me were one and the same.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yes, yes, yes I miss the physical closeness and affection from my husband.  He has said he misses it too.  But, we can’t even have a decent conversation, so there you go.

I have gotten massages and that does help.  Also pedicures where they rub your feet.  I’m huggy, so I get hugs from friends and family.  I have a snuggly dog. But, I miss significant other kind of closeness. 

Mustbe