First date: Romance is not in the cards, could be friends

[spacecadet]

So last night I met someone from an internet site, we'd been talking for a few weeks but he was traveling so we met for happy hour. We have much in common down to our love of classic films esp. film noir. Couldn't stop talking about this and that. Happy hour turned into 3 or 4 and we agreed to meet again.

Here's the not so good. We had more than average eye contact, which can be nice but I had a weird feeling looking at him. His face showed expressions and animation, but his eyes never changed... .like you can see emotions and thoughts coming out of people's eyes but his never flickered. Spooky. I'm thinking maybe... .sociopath, although not necessarily dangerous. (sociopath lite?) Lifelong resident of city, same job 15 years, loves his pet, still in touch with at least one ex but no longer living together etc. So staying in the moment.

Romance is not in the cards with this man, but he could be a good film going friend. I don't believe in stringing people along so will let him know when moment is right.

The good thing is, it helps me regain my ability to rely on my gut. Faith in myself was badly damaged by previous experience, and my ability to trust was shot to he! so this needs to be rebuilt one brick at a time.

I'm pleased to be meeting men who are okay being friends at least for a while. Maybe until they, or I, am in a romance.   An actual benefit of getting older! Yay, there is at least one... .maturity or maybe willingness to compromise, or maybe the men who are willing to be pals already have a FWB.  Whatever the reason I'm glad.  

[BeagleGirl]

Romance is not in the cards with this man, but he could be a good film going friend. I don't believe in stringing people along so will let him know when moment is right.

The good thing is, it helps me regain my ability to rely on my gut. Faith in myself was badly damaged by previous experience, and my ability to trust was shot to he! so this needs to be rebuilt one brick at a time.

I'm pleased to be meeting men who are okay being friends at least for a while. Maybe until they, or I, am in a romance.

Spacecadet,
I'm so glad you are not only regaining your ability to rely on your gut, but also that you are actively screening and willing to wait for romance until you find someone who meets your standards.

I don't want to hijack your thread, but I would really like to know how you go about clarifying to a guy that you are interested in friendship but not romance.  In my case I'm also okay with a bit of flirting, but I'm not ready to fall in love, and I don't think I would want this particular guy to fall for me, because I don't think he's what I'm looking for.

BTW, I just read something yesterday that said that prolonged eye contact can be an indicator of lying.  Not sure if that's relevant in your case.  What you describe sounds ... .spooky.

BG

[Insom]

Oh, Spacecadet!  I got a chill just reading your description of his eyes.  Good job listening to your gut.    

Romance is not in the cards with this man, but he could be a good film going friend.

Film noir is such a cool interest!  I can see how the mutuality feels like a draw.  Could it be that meeting this guy helped you identify something you want?  A good film going friend?  Does it have to be him or can you make it a goal to find someone more compatible who also shares your interest?

I'm with BeagleGirl, Is friendship with this guy a realistic or desirable goal?

[CryWolf]

I thought eye contact was a good thing? I’m a bit lost with how his eyes didn’t change but facial expressions did?

[spacecadet]

I don't want to hijack your thread, but I would really like to know how you go about clarifying to a guy that you are interested in friendship but not romance.  In my case I'm also okay with a bit of flirting, but I'm not ready to fall in love, and I don't think I would want this particular guy to fall for me, because I don't think he's what I'm looking for.

BTW, I just read something yesterday that said that prolonged eye contact can be an indicator of lying.  Not sure if that's relevant in your case.  What you describe sounds ... .spooky.

BG

Thanks so much for your encouragement BG. No worries re hijacking... .I wait to see how much we click usually 2-3 dates. Generally discourage expensive dates where he drops a lot of $, doesn't seem fair if we're just feeling each other out. But usually by around 3rd date, it's clear to both if there's interest in going forward and around that time there are conversations about "relationship history" and sometimes what both people are looking for. So it comes up organically in convo.

What I've been telling men, which is honest, is that I've ended a r/s not long ago and I need to take things slow and let the friendship stay out front of romance. Honestly a lot of men I meet (mostly 50s) are in similar circumstances and they appreciate it.

Oh, Spacecadet!  I got a chill just reading your description of his eyes.  Good job listening to your gut.    

Film noir is such a cool interest!  I can see how the mutuality feels like a draw.  Could it be that meeting this guy helped you identify something you want?  A good film going friend?  :)oes it have to be him or can you make it a goal to find someone more compatible who also shares your interest?

I'm with BeagleGirl, Is friendship with this guy a realistic or desirable goal?

Hey Insom, good comments and questions! You're right, love of film and music is a good thing in common. Luckily my interests are pretty wide ranging and I don't apire to share all common interests, just one here and there, plus the fun of getting to know someone else's interests and their world.

Re is friendship with him desirable, yes but limiting it. Will not be revealing where I live. (easy in my city as most people meet in public a lot) We do have a lot in common and I'm visiting him in his place of work so will doing recon on him (only through legal means ha ha)

I thought eye contact was a good thing? I’m a bit lost with how his eyes didn’t change but facial expressions did?

Yes CryWolf it does sound odd, hard to describe. You almost have to be there. Yes eye contact is good, mixed with looking around ... .we all do that naturally as we conjure memory and imagination. We read a lot from one another's eyes. I studied acting years ago and you can read emotions in people's eyes but it's something we all practice/learn with time.

[Insom]

Re is friendship with him desirable, yes but limiting it. Will not be revealing where I live. (easy in my city as most people meet in public a lot) We do have a lot in common and I'm visiting him in his place of work so will doing recon on him (only through legal means ha ha)

Hey, spacecadet.  Did you visit his workplace yet?  How did that go?

[spacecadet]

Thanks for asking Insom! Our meeting is late this week, I'll post a follow up. 

[Insom]

I'll post a follow up.

Yes, please do!  Because you got such a strong intuitive hit (sociopath lite?)  about this guy when you first met him, I do feel a little concerned on your behalf.  So do please tread carefully!  Visiting his workplace is a strong indicator of interest on your part.

[Lady Itone]

Several years ago after a relationship with an NPD, I went out a couple of times with a woman who I came to the conclusion might be a sociopath. Well, recently, she's sort of come into my circle of friends again, and after talking to her and others who know her, I think I was wrong.

I suspect I was hyper-vigilant after being hurt by an NPD and looking for signs of Cluster B disorders. I'm not saying you're wrong or you shouldn't trust your intuition, but you might rightly be a bit headshy. Either way, there's nothing wrong with going slow, being friends first, and letting things unfold without pressure.

[spacecadet]

I saw this new friend again. It was a really good time. The first time we met, it was in a cafe and he was backlit so hard to tell what the eye feeling was about. Like you said Lady Itone, I'm more vigilant than in the past, maybe a degree of this will always be with me but it's a good way to navigate, it's a defense we all need more so with new acquaintances. Insom, if you catch this, do you find yourself with an extra layer of carefulness when meeting people too?

There is something guarded about him and I'm paying attention to his affect. Think he has mixed feelings about his job which contributes to the overall vibe. But friendship feels safe okay at this point.

[Insom]

Insom, if you catch this, do you find yourself with an extra layer of carefulness when meeting people too?

 

I think so.  I'm in a long-term relationship, so it's been a long time since I've gone on a date, but I do pay attention to signals like these when meeting new friends.  My tolerance for behavior that makes me uncomfortable has gone waaaay down with one exception . . .

In the last decade when I've met potential female friends who've engaged in love-bombing type behavior I have stuck it out perhaps longer than I should have even when I felt uncomfortable.  Alas, never with good results.  (For the most part, these love-bomby friendships have crashed and burned spectacularly.)  So even with positive-seeming odd behavior, I'l learning to be more careful. 

Is there a downside to carefulness? 

[spacecadet]

I don't think there's a downside Insom. I shy away from people who get infatuated too fast, it's true with friendships too. If someone wants to be suddenly close, romantically or platonically, it almost always flies apart. Sometimes men want to be close right away, if I pull away once in a blue moon someone sticks around and it turns out they're deeper than they seemed at first. but usually it's not good news.