Looking for support and guidance

[Venetian]

Hi. This is my first time on this site, so I'm a bit nervous.   I have a younger sister with BPD--I will call her L.  She is 48; I'm 52.  To the outside world L looks like she has it all.  She is a professional in the health field and makes good money. She has/had a wonderful house (will explain in a minute).  And she has a wonderful young daughter who is the light of my life.  Her personal life, however, is a wreck.  

She verbally abuses her husband, her daughter, and my mother (who is failing healthwise).   She has moved 4 times in the past year and has held 5 jobs in the past year.   She'll move someplace, settle in, then have an argument with someone (either on the job and in her personal life) and then leave to go someplace else.  She always comes back home to the town where my mother lives.  Currently, she's living in the apartment inside the house she owns.  She rents out the main house because she moves around so much.   She'll come over to my mother's house house, let mom cook for her and her daughter, and will verbally berate my mother (in front of her daughter) the whole time.

I was on vacation last week visiting my mother and witnessed the latest string of abuses.  While L goes on her tirade, the rest of the family sits in silence and fear around the table.   What's even more heartbreaking to me is watching her daughter cower in fear over her meal.   We all sit on eggshells whenever L is around.  And, I'm very angry that L can treat my mother so badly, especially since my mother's health is failing.  My mother has dementia and has a host of physical problems as well.  I don't understand how L could treat her so horribly, especially knowing that mom is not well.   It's as if L has no self-awareness whatsoever.  

L also treats her husband like a second-class citizen.  Her husband has no spine either.   He let her go and take her daughter and go and live with another man for a month.   What kind of husband does that?   He says, "I just want L to be happy."   SMH.  He works out of town and only comes home (wherever that may be at the moment) on weekends.   I do feel sorry for him though.   He tries to be the relatively sane parent to his daughter on weekends.   Although he works out of town, he has to run home every time there is a crisis (at least once a month minimum) and run interference every time L has a fight with a teacher, healthcare worker, neighbor, or family member.  L's husband has urged her to go to therapy, but she refuses to stick with it.   She'll go once or twice and then drop it.  She doesn't think she has a problem.  Everyone else is the problem.  L has no friends.   She'll start a relationship (whether at work or in her personal life) and it will end soon with a big blow-up.  She also has phobias about germs and storms, and hates to be alone.  

I don't talk with my sister at all.  (My other sister doesn't talk with L either.)  After many years of her abuse, I decided not to engage with her at all.  Her husband acts as the liasion between me and her daughter.   Her daughter and I text and FaceTime a lot whenever we are not together physically.   I'm very concerned about my niece, who I feel is being abused (emotionally and verbally).   I try to be the port in her storm, her lifeline, but I cannot always be around my niece since we live in separate towns.   My niece is such a beautiful child, both inside and out.   She is constantly seeking approval.   I try my best to bolster her self esteem and let her know how beautiful and wonderful she is.   It's heartbreaking to hear her say to her mom, "I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy, I love you Mommy," and L will say nothing in return.   I honestly believe that L loves her child, but she doesn't know how to show it.   I just want to know how I can help my niece navigate her childhood.   She is now 8.   I know that children survive their parents, but I just want her to have as little damage as possible.   I would appreciate any advice you can give.  Thanks in advance.

[Merlot]

Hi Venetian

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

Thanks for giving us a really good picture of what is happening for you and it's a lot to contend with for your entire family, notwithstanding your concern for your mother and granddaughter  , and it sounds like you worry for them is what has brought you here.  I can certainly understand your anger in how she treats your mother.  This is truly awful to see.  These are both very difficult issues and many parents here will relate.

You mention that your sister has been in therapy and that she is aware of the diagnosis but somehow thinks that other's have the issue; not her.  I can relate here as my DD27 was diagnosed three years ago.  She now says that she never had a diagnosis and is busy diagnosing those around her with personality disorders, including myself.  My therapist has led me to believe that this is intrinsic to the nature of BPD.

We all sit on eggshells whenever L is around. 

Rangi Kreger is the author of "Walking on Eggshells".  This is a great introduction to BPD and if you have the chance to read it, I'm sure will validate much of what you are going through.  There is also much information on the board to the right. 

It is very interesting how in families, we find ourselves in a horrible situation where we just continue to maintain the status quo.  But I'm so glad you have come here as something has triggered you to find a better way.

One very important thing I have learned since being here for six months is that I cannot change my daughter, but I can change me and that's what I have been focussing on.  After years of placating/rescuing my daughter at considerable emotional expense, I stopped.  I stopped buying into her drama and problems and have been able to set boundaries about her abuse and manipulation tactics of cutting me off to yield an outcome she wants.  This has led to me being NC with her but I'm ok with understanding my limits and sticking to my boundaries.

In the mean time, I am learning as much as I can for I truly love her and want to be able to help her as best I can without being her doormat or slave.  I've been reading many books, seeing a therapist, talking with as many members here as I can; from whom i couldn't have gotten through without their help and looking after myself.

Your niece is very lucky to have you. My youngest daughter is in your shoes with her big sister (my BPD eldest daughter) and loves her niece (my GD1) to pieces and I'm very grateful for that.  It's important that she has health people in her life that help shape her.  As for your mother, only she can know her limits too and pave a new way forward for herself and change is not easy.

Please know we are here for you and I encourage you to join in the conversation as we all learn from each other.

I have moved your post to the sibling/parent board so that others can better target the conversation.

Take care and we look forward to hearing from you.

Merlot

[Harri]

Hi.  Let me join Merlot in saying welcome to the board.  It is great that you are aware that your niece is at risk and are looking for ways to help her.  Many of us on this board had or have a parent with BPD and it is quite difficult.  The good news is that other people can be a wonderful source of support and validation for the child, helping to build resilience and being a validating person who cares. 

We have several other boards you may find helpful in terms of getting information to help your niece.  You definitely belong on this one, but reading some of the resources located on the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD and even the co-parenting board can help.  I am going to link a couple here for you The power of validating kids who have a BPD parent and Child Development and Parents with Mental Illness.  I understand you are not the parent and have limited contact but those resources may help you understand and help you be a positive and effective stable adult in your nieces life.  that is so important.  Here is a link to even more resources you may find helpful:  CO-PARENTING: Doing what’s best for the kids

See what you think and if you have any questions we can try to help.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Venetian 

I know on your other thread you mentioned limiting your time here as it was becoming overwhelming. We all need to do that from time to time and practice good self care.

I’m not pushing for a reply but just want you to know you’re being thought of today. We look forward to you coming back and sharing more when you’re ready.

Sending you gentle hugs and smiles and wishes for a genuinely peaceful, beautiful day. 

L2T