Lesson 1: Understanding the BPD Parent  

Objective: Raising a child when one parent has BPD creates feelings of uneasiness and uncertainty where you never know when a situation will go suddenly and horribly wrong. Perhaps that feeling of dread is a constant part of your life, whether you are the biological parent, "secondary non” who has become a significant other, or step-parent in a very challenging relationship dynamic. Our goal is to help you understand the behaviors of the BPD parent and learn what fuels the conflict.

Directions: Read through the following workshops we have developed, which discuss the symptoms and manifestations through real life stories and examples.  You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.

BPD behavior - Poor executive control

Poor executive control is a core characteristic of BPD. Executive functions and cognitive control are terms used by psychologists and neuroscientists to describe a loosely defined collection of brain processes whose role is to guide thought and behavior in accordance with a person's goals or plans. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79702.0

BPD Behaviors: Understanding the BPD mind. What's in the head of someone with BPD?

Although it may seem that a pwBPD's behaviors are irrational, there are underlying reasons behind their actions. The pwBPD may not be reacting to the situation at hand, such as what is happening at the current time, but to either something that had happened in the past, or to a kind of ready-reference list of beliefs about the world (schemas), which was usually learned in childhood.  Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

BPD Behaviors: Objectifying others

We all know neediness is common with BPD... .Distrust of others' motives (especially if the person with BPD was sexually abused) lends a coloring to all personal interactions: fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. Neediness and fear are all about what is happening to the pwBPD, and they leave little room for empathy or even awareness of anyone else's needs. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0

BPD Behaviors: Emotional immaturity

Immature people often demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait, are impulsive, may seem thoughtless, and may appear loyal only while you are useful. Their emotional impulsiveness (lack of executive control) results in chaotic social and financial lives. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0

Borderline Personality Disorder: A Clinical Perspective

People with BPD often have an unstable sense of who they are. That is, their self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. They typically view themselves as evil or bad, and sometimes they may feel as if they don't exist at all.  An unstable sense of self can affect the dynamics of a relationship, which typically results in turmoil.  People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or simple misunderstandings. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles3.htm

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Children of mothers with BPD show a significantly higher prevalence of "disorganized" attachment than children of mothers without BPD. Disorganized children face stress management problems, frequently engage in externalizing behaviors, and may even face dissociative behaviors later in life. Evidence suggest that, even in middle childhood, children of mothers with BPD may display problems with interpersonal relatedness and affective regulation. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm

POLL: Children of Mothers with BPD

Characteristic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to hinder the ability of a mother with BPD to parent effectively, thereby negatively affecting the social and emotional development of the child. For instance, adults with BPD typically display a pattern of unstable relationships and a host of interpersonal problems. They generally show a disorganized way of dealing with interpersonal stress and frequently fluctuate between extreme idealization and devaluation of others. It is suggested that the mother-child relationship is not protected from these interpersonal problems. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=55900.0

BPD Behaviors: Problematic Parenting

BPD parents often engage in subtle behaviors that may not be overtly neglectful or abusive towards the children, but they can inhibit healthy development in children. There are forms of damaging parenting, and people who share children with a disordered spouse need to be aware of these other forms of difficult or problematic parenting, and how their children might be affected. Though we talk about "moms", please be aware that BPD/NPD dads do many of these same things.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0

WORKSHOP: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?  How can you tell?  What can you do?

Many parents and grandparents come to bpdfamily.com and are concerned about the interactions between the BPD sufferer in their life and the children. BPD patterns can lead to problematic parenting in several ways. For instance, a BPD sufferer is prone to black and white thinking and “splitting,” which can lead a parent to see a child as “bad” and thus deserving of punishment. A BPD parent's ways of coping can become a source of neglect (abusive or addictive behaviors distract the parent, leaving the child untended) or abuse (with impulsive behaviors and rages resulting in emotional and physical scars). Understanding when and how to intervene is important for the well-being of the kids. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0

BOOKS:

Book Review: Understanding the Borderline Mother

Dr. Christine Ann Lawson vividly describes how mothers who suffer from borderline personality disorder can produce children who may flounder in life even as adults, futilely struggling to reach the safety of a parental harbor, unable to recognize that their borderline parent lacks a pier, or even a discernible shore. This book has been described by some members as being relatively academic with many footnotes, but it is considered one of the most well-researched when it comes to describing how an untreated BPD mother can impact healthy development of her children.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0

Questions:

* Do you recognize these symptoms in your child's BPD parent?

* How have any of these symptoms impacted you, or your ability to effectively parent your child/ren?

* Do you feel empowered knowing that there is an explanation for the behaviors of the BPD parent?

Lesson 3: Common co-parenting issues and implementing effective skills 
 
Objective: To understand the hard realities of shared parenting and learn healthy communication techniques. If you are the stable parent dealing with high levels of conflict, you need to find compromises, tools, and attitudes to bring about the greatest stability to children living in separate households. In many cases the other parent is dysfunctional and not going to change. How do we best manage what we have to work with: with the BPD parent, with the family court, with our families? There is a formula for speaking with someone that has a better chance of success if used properly. Our attitude, tone of voice, and body language has a huge impact on how our message is interpreted.
 
While dealing with a BPD co-parent or ex-spouse may be something we all have in common, not all BPD biological parents suffer from the same degree of severity. Depending on the context we find ourselves in, some of us may need to rely on different communication tactics and techniques, and tailor those to our specific situations so that we can minimize the conflict and restore a degree of peace in our lives.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge.
 
Perspectives: Shared Parenting:
Shared parenting after divorce can be difficult under the best of circumstances.  Shared parenting with someone with a mood disorder or after a high conflict divorce can be personally draining and very hard on the children. The purpose of this workshop is to discuss the hard realities of shared parenting -  the compromises, the tools, and the attitude necessary to bring about the greatest stability to the children and the separate households and how to best approach it. In many cases the other parent is dysfunctional and not going to change - how do we best manage what we have to work with - with the people, with the family court, with our families. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67574.0#top
 
TOOLS: Things to cover in a parenting plan
Parenting plans are important tools when co-parenting with a BPD parent.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90775.0
 
Communication: Overview
Many of us have experienced great frustrations when trying to communicate while co-parenting with a BPD parent.  It's been long established that individuals with BPD can become so consumed by their own emotions/self interests that communications become challenged, confused, and interpreted in the worst way. A pwBPD has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequacy soothed before they can listen or hear. The non-BP validates that the feeling are real feelings (not that they justified). The non-BP then shifts the discussion on what the real issue is and what can be done about it. These tools put a lot of responsibility of the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy.  The assumption is that that non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
 
Communication: S.E.T. Technique
The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered. Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. This is an important skill to master when co-parenting with a pwBPD. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
 
How to "ex" communicate:
Tension between parents, whether together or divorced, creates anxiety for the children as well as the parents. To significantly reduce or entirely eliminate the anxiety for all of the family the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents. Number one: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents (including telephone contact), for a minimum of two years. Number two: All communication should be done in writing, using a memo format to communicate. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/stacer.pdf
 
Dealing with Hostile Communication After the Divorce
During divorce and beyond, hostile emails are common. Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger, authors of the book "Splitting," came up with something called the B.I.F.F. method for responding to them. Blamers love sending these hostile messages and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0
 
POLL: High-Conflict Intervention Program
In a break-up or divorce with children, there may often be high emotion and tension between the parents. This tension creates anxiety for the children as well as the parents. The children sense their parent’s anxiety in their voice, their body language and in their parent’s behavior. To significantly reduce or entirely eliminate the anxiety the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents. The rules are as follows: 1) Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents (including telephone contact), for a minimum of two years. 2) All communication should be done in writing, using a memo format to communicate. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56224.0
 
Fair Fighting Rules
When it comes to dealing with the children, it pays to learn the Fair Fighting Rules: Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory. Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session. Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair. State the problem clearly - think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts. Avoid blaming the other parent. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0
 
Questions:
 
* Are you wiling to practice new ideas?
 
* Have you used any of these techniques? Have they had an effect?
 
* Did you know that over 85% of our message comes from our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice?
 
* Are you willing to try these communication techniques on others first before trying them on the BPD parent in your life?

Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD  

Objective: To learn what we can about raising resilient kids and understand what techniques can minimize the negative impact of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding what it means to be emotionally resilient can impact the kids in powerful ways, but it can also have a positive impact on us too, whether we are the co-parent or step-parent. Often, the "non" BPD parent believes that our parenting is better than the BPD parent, which is often true. However, we can also perpetuate problematic behaviors as a result of our own distress and emotional reaction to the conflict. Learning to validate how our children feel is not always intuitive and takes practice and understanding, and modeling what one author refers to as "managed emotions, flexible thinking, and moderate behavior" gives our kids a strong alternative to the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that they are exposed to.

Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge.

Is your child's well being important?

Conflict has a high cost to the parents and a higher cost to the child. The cost to a child is security, self-esteem, confidence, emotional control, happiness, normal personality development, and a range of other considerations. You have the power to stop the conflict on your end. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/anger_blame.pdf

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

In this article, Bill Eddy writes, "Many parents have asked us about how to raise a child or children with a co-parent (whether a spouse, former spouse or unmarried partner) who is “high-conflict.” It is very important to avoid being accused of “bad-mouthing” the other parent, by speaking negatively about him or her to the children and providing too much information about adult issues, such as a court case. On the other hand, you want to protect your children from the blaming and uncontrolled behavior of the high-conflict co-parent, and to provide the children with coping skills and help them not blame themselves. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203238.0

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

As parents, we benefit from understanding the natural developmental stages our children experiences as they grow up. It's good to know that a toddler's "no" is most natural and necessary, for instance. As parents, stepparents, grandparents, and other significant adults who may share in the care of children who have a parent with mental illness, an additional layer of understanding is also needed. How does the child's developmental needs intersect with the parent's mental illness? What are the impacts of a parent's mental illness during different developmental stages? How can we support children so they grow up as resilient as possible? Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167128.0

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

The effect of parental mental illness on children is varied and unpredictable. Although parental mental illness presents biological, psychosocial and environmental risks for children, not all children will be negatively affected, or in the same way. The age of onset, severity and duration of the parents' mental illness, the degree of stress in the family resulting from the parents' illness, and most importantly, the extent to which parents' symptoms interfere with positive parenting, such as their ability to show interest in their children, will determine the level of risk to a child. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93196.0

POLL: Risk Factors and Preventing BPD

This poll includes a systematic review of studies that a number of early childhood variables associated with increased probability of developing BPD, including socioeconomic deprivation, trauma or stressful life events, poor or inconsistent parenting, and co-occurring psychiatric conditions. In addition to the evidence identified by the systematic review, the Committee also considered a recent narrative review of studies that have evaluated biological and environmental factors as potential risk factors for BPD (including prospective studies of children and adolescents, and studies of young people with BPD). Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200896.msg12246734;boardseen#new

POLL: Reframing Thoughts About Family (CBT Technique for Young People)

The way people perceive an experience or problem influences the possible solutions or options they see for change. Reframing involves presenting an alternative possible explanation, interpretation or perception of an experience. This new interpretation may then facilitate positive change. Reframing goes beyond reflective listening, as it presents back to the client what is said in a way which deepens understanding about the event or problem, and creates possibilities for new ways to respond to the issues being discussed. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167593.0

TOOLS: Meditation for children under stress

Children who have a parent with a mental illness are at risk for social, emotional, and behavioral problems for reasons those of us here can all easily understand. Often the lives of children with a BPD parent are chaotic, and the child has to cope with scary and other highly emotional situations on his/her own. Such children are also frequently parentified, and have to become the parent, taking care of their ill mother or father when they should be receiving care themselves. Or they are over-controlled, and their every move is watched for signs of disloyalty, defiance, or simply normal self-interested survival; such children become very guarded and lose the freedom of self-expression and access to their own emotions. They only feel the emotions they are "allowed" to have. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=119814.0

TOOLS: Helping our children deal with trauma

To earn the trust of children who have had their trust shattered many times in profound ways, adults must prove that change is possible by changing the way that they meet their child's needs.   Many of us caregivers cannot deal with the situation of our children without first understanding the meaning we've found in our past, and present life experiences, and showing our changes to our children.  When we understand ourselves and build coping skills, we will have the energy and awareness to make the next step to guide our children through the same process. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120428.0

POLL: Which resilience factors does your child have?

When a parent has a mental illness, it impacts the entire family, especially children. Children are more likely to thrive when they have specific resilience factors, such as temperament, intelligence, sociability, creativity, attitude, and support. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=165925.0

ARTICLE: Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271677.msg12577885#msg12577885

POLL: Protecting your children during divorce

Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have. For their children, it can be even worse. While many non-BPD parents cannot avoid a custody battle, we can learn how to manage our own anger to help reduce negative impacts on our kids. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=71557.0

BOOKS:

Book Review: Putting Children First

Many of us here have children and are either in the process of divorcing our spouse, at least contemplating doing so or have already completed the process.  While we may not want to continue the marriage, we do want to do the best we can to help our children during and after the process.  This book was written for parents, grandparents and others who love our children. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=172428.0

Book Review: The Power of Validation (for parents)

The Power of Validation is detailed resource for parents seeking practical skills for validating their child’s feelings without condoning tantrums, selfishness, or out-of-control behavior. You’ll practice communicating with your child in ways that instantly impact his or her mood and help your child develop the essential self-validating skills that set the groundwork for confidence and self-esteem in adolescence and beyond. For all of us, learning to validate is a useful skill. If we are parents, whether parenting a child with BPD traits, parenting with a BPD partner or ex-partner, or parenting after having been raised by a parent with a PD, validation skills are especially important. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166930.0

Book Review: Brain-based Parenting

The biggest challenge to parents, Hughes and Baylin explain, is learning how to regulate emotions that arise—feeling them deeply and honestly while staying grounded and aware enough to preserve the parent–child relationship. Stress, which can lead to “blocked” or dysfunctional care, can impede our brain’s inherent caregiving processes and negatively impact our ability to do this. While the parent–child relationship can generate deep empathy and the intense motivation to care for our children, it can also trigger self-defensive feelings rooted in our early attachment relationships, and give rise to “unparental” impulses.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0

BOOKS FOR KIDS AND ADOLESCENTS:

Book Review: Umbrella for Alex  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56239.0

Book Review: Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=186318.0

Book Review: The Weather House: Living with a Parent with Borderline Personality Disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223218.0

Book Review: In My Corner of the Moon

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209751.0

Book Review: When Parents Have Problems: A Book for Teens and Older Children With an Abusive, Alcoholic, or Mentally Ill Parent

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149775.0

Questions:

* How are the kids doing?

* Have you tried validation with them? Did you see any positive effects?

* What does emotional resilience mean for your kids?

* How do you talk to your kids about their mom or dad's mental illness?