Devastating as I really loved this girl. Now it seems like she never cared.

[Drs204]

Just checking in to say hi. Not sure what a first post is suppose to be here.

Getting over a breakup with an X GF who has BPD or at least meets most of the requirements. She is not diagnosed but in studying it does not take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

She broke up with me about 6-7 weeks ago saying "To busy for a relationship with new job and the kids". She is also a widow with 2 young boys. So, ya, she is a hot mess.

Last week she blocked me on FB. I found out via someone else the reason why. She has a new BF.

That is what was the most devastating to me. We were still "friends" but the talking/texting had gone to almost nothing with her stonewalling and when she did answer it was 1 or 2 words. A fraction of the 150-200 texts per day we had before.

A few months ago I came across BPD as I was wondering what was wrong, she was stonewalling etc. I didn't look to deeply into what BPD was but now I have taken another look at it and wow, it all makes sense now. Intense "love" at the beginning, early declaration of love, etc. Her history included her parents divorcing at 3, her dad passing away at 15 and her husband passing at 27 leaving her with 2 young boys. She had a past BF cheat on her and she suspected her husband as well. This was all told in the first coffee date we had.

When asked what she wanted in life, she didn't know. There were no real hobbies or interests. "I have 2 kids to look after, I have no time for sh-t like that".

During our relationship she would stonewall for days sometimes. Just 1 or 2 word texts. I ask what is wrong and "nothing". Then suddenly it was all good and back to 150-200 texts in a day with phone calls as well.

I had thought about breaking it off a time or two when she did that as it drove me nuts. But the reunions were always good... .though no explanation for the silence.

The last several months there was no hug or kiss when I got there. Fire in her eyes and grumpy. The sex was still good though... .

Even the last time I saw her (I didn't know it was the last time I would see her) she was angry when I came there. "What is wrong?"... ."nothing"... .

She broke it off a week and a half after that even though I was getting weekend off again (I work 4 and 4) and tried to plan things for those weekends. She said "we'll see" which means no. Never saw her again, about 2 months now.

She has a new BF now so it is done and over. I am painted black now too.

Devastating really as I really loved this girl. Now it seems like she never cared.

That is my story. I hope I can learn a few things here and move on. She may try to contact me when this new relationship implodes, as it will, but she may not. I have been reading that if she does to just walk away and leave it alone. Seems so hard to do, and so sad.

[juju2]

Welcome!

you found us, that is a very good thing.
There is a lot to learn, there is information on this site, as much or as little as you can take in.  For me, its helpful to try and get my head around what the disorder is.  It helps to know its not my imagination, or that i didnt cause it.  If you want to post more about what happened between you two.

How long were you together.

This is a safe space.  There are caring, helpful, wise people in this community.

Take good care of yourself, j

[Drs204]

We knew each other about 2 years  though only just shy of a year of official dating when we broke up.

He mother never approved of me, I wonder if that was part of the issue or not. I am a fair bit older than her, but she didn't care as she wanted an older mature guy who was stable with a job, career and all that. And someone who didn't play games... .yet she ended up being the one who played games... .

When I think about it, it was early May when I first "felt" something just terribly wrong when I was over at her place. We always seemed to be in tune with each other's feelings or whatever it is I am trying to say. I did aske what is wrong but of course got the "nothing".

On occasion she would ask me what was wrong when I had a hard day at work or whatever it was. She could sense I had something going on.

It was amazing that way. Truly amazing.

To this day I have no idea what actually went wrong and why she split me black. It was from that day in early May that the communication decreased. I saw her only once or twice after that and that was it. 

Feel free to ask other things about my story. The above is of course the abridged version.

I have not really had time to process this all yet since last week. I worked all last F-M and then my sister was here for 4 days and now I am back into 4 days of work again. Then next days off shifting to night shift for the following 2 weeks to cover for a crew chief on holidays.

In my spare time or on break I read whatever I can on BPD. Glad I found this place, it is a help. I want to learn what I can about it, see what parts played in my story and hopefully get some kind of closure on it as I am not going to get it from her. Part of the healing process for me is understanding why, or at least as much of it as is possible.

[Wickit]

I wish you all the best man!

I'm fairly new here myself and almost ready to share my (somewhat similar) story these days. Take a look at the topics and filter the ones with a lot of replies. It's seriously jawdropping to see how many similar stories you will find.

[once removed]

ouch. no answers, and then finding out your long term partner is in a new relationship. i can certainly relate, its heartbreaking.

how was your relationship with the kids? was this a long distance relationship?

[Shawnlam]

That’s definitely a ruff ending for sure , finding out she is with someone new.Cant day it’s far from BPD that’s for sure .Were their any red flags prior to the month of MAy ? Did you get along with her children ? How was the relationship with her family and friends? How was her relationship with yours ?

[Drs204]

My relationship with her kids was very good. I played and interacted with them, read bed time stories, went for walks or bike rides, etc. I was growing attached to them and loved them. They loved me.

Not long distance no, she lives 15 mins drive from me.

Red flags prior to month of May. Oh yes indeed. Even before we were officially dating. The big thing for me was the occasional stonewalling and non-communication. A normal day was 150-200 texts and a couple of phone calls. Then suddenly 10 texts and they were only 1 or 2 words. Went on for days then suddenly she was back like nothing happened. I thought it was widow grief stuff, and it may have been a factor (for sure it is) but she never explained fully.

I told her on numerous occasions to go for counselling and get help but she never did. "Talking about it isn't going to do anything... .".

Her family, she is off and on again with her mom, who hated me due to our age difference.  She rarely talks to her brother or sister, non of whom I met. I met her mom once.

She really didn't have many friends. She had a couple and over the 2 years I knew her she went out with them maybe twice.

She never met any of my friends, and only one of my sisters once. I wanted to get her and her boys out to a friend's farm but she never "had the time".

It was always difficult to plan things with her. I would say, hey I have the next three weekends off, let's do something. Nothing ever happened. Saturday her mom was always over so I could not come until she was gone, which was after the kids were in bed, and Sundays she went for Sunday Dinner to her in-laws (whom she would alternatively despise or love depending on her mood). I never went to Sunday dinner to meet her in-laws. Not sure if it would have been right... .more reminders to them their son was gone as well... .

Her mom went ballistic after she posted on FB we were "in a relationship" which was almost a year of getting to know her. They did not speak for almost a month after. One thing of note, my XGF said just a few months ago, that "our relationship suffers when I am good with my mom, and when I am fighting with my mom, we are good". I thought it a bit strange.

Thoughts?

[Drs204]

To add to the non-communication thing that she would do, if she wouldn't answer texts etc for a coupl days it would end with her saying "Not talking?" as if I was the one not talking though I had been sending texts with no answer.

It was weird. Blaming me for it when she was not talking to me. Is this a form of gaslighting?

[Shawnlam]

Well our stories at the beginning were similar so I feel your fustrations on the whole on/off things and. It being introduced to family etc. The big take away for ppl like us is this wasn’t your fault and it’s not your responsibility to fix it “her”.Honestly only she can seek help for herself and if she chooses not to odds are she will repeat these cycles .Even with all the love in the world you can’t fix this .The best advice I can give you because it worked for me , work on yourself.I know that probably sounds stupid but it honestly works ,it distracts you from the pain and makes you feel good physically.When we feel better physically we think better .Your mind will be clear enough to say to yourself “hey wait a minute “ “ I didn’t cause this”,I’m better than this and deserve better. You can still love her that’s normal,but you will love yourself enough to not allow being treated like that anymore .I hope that makes sense.
To answer your last question yes I think she was gaslighting you , and. Ow you can recognize it .

[Drs204]

Ya I realise I can't do anything about it. She can only fix herself, if she wants it. If she does not, nothing I can do about it.

Still in the mourning phase of this but I will recover. I survived a divorce so I will survive this.

It is just so sad she won't get the help she needs. I told her several times to go for grief counselling and get help but she never did. Her kids will be so messed up if she ends up with man after man coming into the house as this relationship will not last, nor will any other ones. She needs to get he head screwed on right before she dates. But anyway, again, nothing I can do.

I am getting back into flying after a long hiatus so I do have something to focus on. It causes you to focus and not think about anything else! "If I screw this up I die!".

I have a number of hobbies and things to keep myself occupied. Enough to do.