Trip back for work to where she lives set me back

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone,

I've been very MIA, but I wanted to drop in again. I started to suspect my ex might have found my posts. Nothing I can prove, and maybe I'm paranoid, but part of healing for me has been learning to listen to my alarm bells and not write them off. Plus, not focusing on her/the relationship/what I had been through so much was really helpful.

I made my first trip back to work last week (I've been working remotely since moving closer to my family) and it sucked. My office is about 30 minutes from where we lived and she still lives in that area. I didn't let her know I'd be around and managed to get in and out without her knowing. Still, it was painful to be so close and not make contact - and took a ton of self-discipline. I haven't seen her since March and my last interaction with her was so sad, it's very hard to remember her like that. The divorce will be final in another month and a half and our very limited logistical communications have been about as warm as an iceberg.

I was doing pretty well before my trip back, and I knew the trip would trigger me, but it's been almost a week and I'm still feeling the compounded stress. It's not just her, really, but I think just the big reminder of everything that went down. Plus, leaving from work and driving to an old hotel was tough, especially since it would have been easy to go on autopilot and start driving "home." I had to keep reminding myself that I didn't live there and did my best to stay occupied at the hotel after work.

I'm going to have to start job searching, because some higher ups found out about my remote arrangement with my boss and it doesn't seem like they were too happy. My boss wants me to move back, but after this trip I realized that there's absolutely no way I could manage that and stay healthy. I'm pretty lonely where I live now, but at least I can pop in to see family members and I have a bit of a routine going here. I really wish I didn't have to job search though, because this job was a bit of a dream job. I guess it only makes sense that it would have to go, too. What a year it's been.

When I was out there, I was talking to my mom, who was the only person in my life who seemed to remember that it might be hard for me to go back there, and I told her that for a while now I've been able to deal without too many reminders of how bad things were. Now that my job is in jeopardy, too, it was just like another smack in the face and huge reminder of how much destruction happened because of my ex's sudden discard of our marriage.

I'm ok, per se, but hardened. I know things will get better and that I'll look back on this one day and feel proud of my strength, but man I could use some hope right now. I'm doing all the right things - working out, seeing a therapist (I even dumped the therapist who sat on her laptop all of our sessions and got a new one), praying, working on my hobbies, trying to make friends, even entertaining a small crush for someone and exploring a big career change because why not - but I miss having a best friend and a confidant and someone to look forward to in my life. And I feel like a fool for believing that my ex was capable of being that person for a lifetime. I've been reading a lot about how to learn to trust again and it's been amazing to read about what intimacy is/should look like, which also makes me sad when I reflect on how little intimacy we had in our relationship. How did I not notice that before?

Maybe these are just some of the layers of grief I need to shed.

Sending light to all of you, and looking forward to reconnecting on here.

-LH

[lighthouse9]

Hey everyone,

I've been very MIA, but I wanted to drop in again. I started to suspect my ex might have found my posts. Nothing I can prove, and maybe I'm paranoid, but part of healing for me has been learning to listen to my alarm bells and not write them off. Plus, not focusing on her/the relationship/what I had been through so much was really helpful.

I made my first trip back to work last week (I've been working remotely since moving closer to my family) and it sucked. My office is about 30 minutes from where we lived and she still lives in that area. I didn't let her know I'd be around and managed to get in and out without her knowing. Still, it was painful to be so close and not make contact - and took a ton of self-discipline. I haven't seen her since March and my last interaction with her was so sad, it's very hard to remember her like that. The divorce will be final in another month and a half and our very limited logistical communications have been about as warm as an iceberg.

I was doing pretty well before my trip back, and I knew the trip would trigger me, but it's been almost a week and I'm still feeling the compounded stress. It's not just her, really, but I think just the big reminder of everything that went down. Plus, leaving from work and driving to an old hotel was tough, especially since it would have been easy to go on autopilot and start driving "home." I had to keep reminding myself that I didn't live there and did my best to stay occupied at the hotel after work.

I'm going to have to start job searching, because some higher ups found out about my remote arrangement with my boss and it doesn't seem like they were too happy. My boss wants me to move back, but after this trip I realized that there's absolutely no way I could manage that and stay healthy. I'm pretty lonely where I live now, but at least I can pop in to see family members and I have a bit of a routine going here. I really wish I didn't have to job search though, because this job was a bit of a dream job. I guess it only makes sense that it would have to go, too. What a year it's been.

When I was out there, I was talking to my mom, who was the only person in my life who seemed to remember that it might be hard for me to go back there, and I told her that for a while now I've been able to deal without too many reminders of how bad things were. Now that my job is in jeopardy, too, it was just like another smack in the face and huge reminder of how much destruction happened because of my ex's sudden discard of our marriage.

I'm ok, per se, but hardened. I know things will get better and that I'll look back on this one day and feel proud of my strength, but man I could use some hope right now. I'm doing all the right things - working out, seeing a therapist (I even dumped the therapist who sat on her laptop all of our sessions and got a new one), praying, working on my hobbies, trying to make friends, even entertaining a small crush for someone and exploring a big career change because why not - but I miss having a best friend and a confidant and someone to look forward to in my life. And I feel like a fool for believing that my ex was capable of being that person for a lifetime. I've been reading a lot about how to learn to trust again and it's been amazing to read about what intimacy is/should look like, which also makes me sad when I reflect on how little intimacy we had in our relationship. How did I not notice that before?

Maybe these are just some of the layers of grief I need to shed.

Sending light to all of you, and looking forward to reconnecting on here.

-LH

[Cromwell]

Great to hear from you again Lighthouse, I have missed your posts.

Regarding worried about her reading posts, could equate to a heightened level of stress you are going through now and being more cautious than usual.

Sounds like you have so much going on right now but are thriving, entertaining the idea of doing something different as well. I think thats great to have that way of thinking, new prospects even in the midst of some stressors that we end up on a different path than we began.

Havent much to say other than hang in there, you are made of strong stuff. warrior not victim

[Baglady]

Hi LH,
I feel in a very similar place to where you are now.  I'm just 3 months divorced and I was also suddenly discarded by my ex after 21 years of marriage.  I was completely blindsided.  My job saved me in that it was the only "normal" in a sea of chaos for a couple of months while I wrapped my head around the fact that my ex likely has BPD.  I couldn't imagine having to give that up also in addition to all the other losses in my life this year.  Is there anyway you can express to your boss (who sounds sympathetic) that you love the job but just can't handle being in town right now and need to work remotely for a while more?  The economy is doing so well and employers are having a hard time finding people - the company may not be happy about you working remotely but are they actually taking active steps to bring you back to your original location?
I hear you on the recovery effort - I'm trying to do all the right things too - getting out there, being social and engaging with the world,  working out and trying to fight off the black dog of depression BUT nothing is filling the void of the daily companionship that was offered by my ex (even with his odd behaviors and misplaced anger) and I really miss that aspect of being married.
Like you I'm reexamining "normal" relationships - it's such a shock to me still that I'm only now discovering that mine was far from healthy and normal.  I'm an easygoing person and just rolled my eyes or minimized some of my ex's behavior as being absurd instead of really seeing it for what it was - until the huge, explosive ending when my ex was actively psychotic for almost two weeks and raged and raged at me and others.  I've always thought I had a lot of self-respect but clearly I don't at all to have let myself be content with the very unbalanced and emotionally unhealthy relationship I endured for so long.  Not only am I battling with trust of other people, I'm also struggling to trust myself now.  What does it say about me that I was fooled for so long in my marriage?  I feel like I'm hopeless at judging the characters and motivations of others around me and my own!
I guess we have no choice but to battle on (although the grief seems to be a frustrating one-step forward, two-steps back process and as slow as molasses at that).  For what it's worth, you are not alone and our grieving detaching process seems to be following a similar groove so I guess that's a rare slice of normal in the chaos.
Warmly, a fellow traveler on the same road - B

[lighthouse9]

Hey Cromwell!

Thanks for the reminder man - warrior not victim! I'm not at the self defense gym anymore, but signed up with a trainer in another facility and am doing all the stuff I love: heavy weights, tire flips, and even gritting my teeth through the hill sprints haha. I'm training 5x a week and sleeping like a baby most nights because I'm so exhausted.

You're probably right that it's a heightened sense of stress, but my instincts haven't let me down lately so no harm no foul. I've gone dark on social media except one site, but I use that site professionally for the most part and there's nothing I share on there that I wouldn't share with the whole world, so that feels ok. It's been my goal to just make sure there's nothing out there for her to sabotage should she get the urge. Most likely, she's more than moved on, even from the head games. Still, I have no interest in making myself vulnerable.

BagLady - your words were really helpful. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce and that you were blindsided, too. I feel that 100%. Hearing you say that your job was your "normal" really resonated with me, and made me realize how much I've been depending on my job to be that normal thing for me. I've definitely expressed to my boss that I don't see myself moving back any time soon (really at all, but he doesn't need to know that), and he's doing everything he can. If someone above him ends this arrangement for me, then I'm going to have to quit my job. My "low bar" goal was to at least get a year out of this job, and I'm a few weeks away from doing that, so fingers crossed. I had given up work for two years while following my ex for her career and so this job was a God send when I got it. When she caused all this chaos a few months into me getting the job, I was sick, because I knew what it would look like to be out of work for two years and then quit a job after a few months. Just one of many things she attempted to annihilate in the discard.

I feel you about not just trusting others, but trusting myself. It's brutal to face the relationship with a different lens now and see just how easily the good things eroded. Just this morning I was smiling about a cute thing I used to do to charm her, and then recalled the subtle way she got me to stop doing that thing. The trouble is, just about everything I did for her, she found a way to end, and then could just easily say that I stopped trying to attract her or whatever. We tried to add new stuff to fill the void, but looking back I can see just how deep that void is and that no manner of excitement or attention from me was going to fill it. I never in my craziest dreams imagined someone could just discard another human so quickly and cruelly.

My void wasn't that deep - and like you said it, the daily companionship is really the thing I miss. I'm getting myself out there and slowly filling up that companionship void in different places. But I miss intimacy. I miss having someone who I feel like knows me. Sure, she used that to do great harm, but before that harm I felt known and seen. I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking that the only way to stay safe is to not let another person see or know me again, and I guess it's a good thing that I crave that companionship again. Just this morning at church I saw two guys around my age who looked like they weren't married and thought, hey, they might make nice friends. Again, I'll take this as a good thing. I recognize that there's a lot I can do for myself, but that void isn't going to be filled by just me.

I'm not sure why (maybe still triggered by the trip? maybe triggered by a recent crappy communication?) but my brain is doing that thing again where it just throws out random memories of our times together or my life over the last few years while we were married. It happens for no particular reason and at no particular time. Like I'll just be sitting there working and all of a sudden I'm in a store in a different state where we lived and buying something mundane for our home. It makes no sense, except that maybe my brain feels like it can't handle this total erasure of the past four years of my life. It's like my brain has to just bring stuff up to remind me that those four years did exist. I'm not actively trying to forget those times, but I guess it is reasonable that I'm not sitting around reminiscing about the good times either. It's weird and it hurts like hell when it happens and totally destroys my focus sometimes. The only thing I feel like I have going for me is my total discipline to not take it and run with it, to think I could just call her up and be like "hey remember when... ." I don't want to feel these connections to her or our life together, but I guess that's just part of the grief process.

Anyone else have this happen? They aren't really bad memories, just mundane stuff, but they trigger a sense of loss or hurt or confusion. It's just another reminder of how the only closure that I'll get will come from me and not her.

[Baglady]

So true:

I never in my craziest dreams imagined someone could just discard another human so quickly and cruelly.

It is truly almost impossible for my brain to fathom this behavior.  After decades of history, it was almost like I was little more than a pet dog or cat that just outlived my usefulness or something.  In fact, I'd warrant that he'd likely have treated a pet better than me if we'd had one.

Living in our martial home until son graduates high school in 3 years (I bought my ex out) - means CONSTANT reminders of the most mundane things.   While my son and I both needed the stability of not having a move on top of all the other chaos - living here does have this big downside.  I'm actively trying to create new memories but honestly, I'll be really happy to sell up in a couple of years and move into a new place that isn't associated with my ex.

Having a child together is also a source of as much pain as pleasure - you want to share in the joy of your child's latest adventures, mishaps etc. with the one person on earth who cares as much as you do  - but our r/s is so difficult, tense, strained and it is hard to navigate co-parenting in a way that doesn't trigger waves of yet more grief for me.  Folks with more "typical" divorces - really are on a different plane from those of us dealing with BPD ex's.

I hate this disorder so much. 

B.

[lighthouse9]

I hate this disorder, too, Baglady.

I'm sorry you still have to live where you are. I get it, some decisions just make sense even though they hurt like hell. One thing I keep reminding myself is that I'm glad this happened before we had kids together (which we were planning right before she left). I'm so glad it's just me I have to look out for right now, and my heart really goes out to you and all the parents on that one. The stuff I read here just turns my stomach.

I just met with my new therapist and I like her so far. I'm cautiously optimistic and looking forward to future sessions. It was pretty validating for her to look up from her clipboard where she was taking notes and say "wow, this all happened so quickly and was so cruel." Sometimes, I still need to hear that, especially when I'm feeling weak and wondering what's wrong with me. I even almost cried in her office, which is a big deal, because I usually don't feel comfortable enough to let go in front of people. Not looking forward to that, because I'm a messy crier, but I'm glad that I've found a new safe space.