Another night time "talk" about jealousy: Ideas needed

[Local_Boogeyman]

My dBPDw had been asking/accusing/convinced herself that I'm cheating on her for the past two years or so. For the record, I'm not and haven't. I'm honestly so tired of having to field this conversation, argument, or passing comments and sideways glances all the time. I haven't done anything wrong or inappropriate with anyone, yet I still feel this tremendous guilt as if I did. I've gotten to the point that I limit my interaction with women at work to the utmost professional degree (I work in a VERY casual environment), try to keep a significant distance of physical space between myself and other women (hard to do during rush hour train and bus rides in a major city), lest their perfume somehow attaches to my clothes and I smell like women's perfume when I come home from work (It's happened a few times). She's convinced me I'm either always on the brink of doing something wrong or doing something wrong. Truly walking on eggshells.

Our sex life has been at a zero for sometime now for a few factors, one of which is my depression has wiped my libedo out. A factor w (who also suffers from depression) refuses to believe and acknowledge. I'm sure the lack of sexual intimacy just furthers her thinking of my cheating, plus she is of the opinion that if men are having sex with their wives, they're probably getting it elsewhere.

Hair in the bathtub this morning led to dBPDw asking if I was grooming myself for someone else (I shaved my head, as usual, and the hair left in the tub after a slow drain is probably the remnants from my scalp after I washed it. I told her no, and she sounded like she didn't believe me. I then, I know this wrong but I was annoyed, told her I'll strip naked and she can see for herself. She got slightly offended at that (proof dismissing an accusation is a sore spot for her). Which led to, "we need to have a conversation about some stuff going on in my head." Of course, "conversations" turn to finger pointing and insinuation, which of course is denied 100%.

I've been through this some many times, and I know I did nothing wrong and I should go into this conversation with confidence and an eagerness to clear the air, but I don't. I get incredibly anxious, strong feeling of dread, and yes (as much as I hate to say it) ready for defensive. Because I've been through this I know, logic and proof are of no use, fact based answers and validation are accused of being lies or passive aggressive, so that's out the window. Getting defensive, my go-to move (I'm working on it) makes things worse. And silence comes across as guilt. I have no reasonable part in this. I'm the punching bag for insecurity, again.

I don't know how to mentally and emotionally prepare for this again. It really takes a huge toll on me.  

[Buzz2]

I so struggle with this, too.  I used to try and avoid eye contact, etc. with members of the opposite sex.  I foolishly thought that once he saw how faithful and honorable I was, it would diminish.  Oh silly, silly me.  I don't censor myself as much anymore and really can't in my professional life and it has resurfaced some ugly stuff in my marriage.  I, too, have never done anything inappropriate to trigger this myself.  All based on his past stuff. 

I'm sorry to make this about me, but I wanted to validate what you are experiencing.  It's tough.  I don't have much helpful advice as my experience is also darned if you do/darned if you don't.  Validating his feelings hasn't seemed to improve my situation either.

Best of luck - hang in there!

[Cat Familiar]

Because I've been through this I know, logic and proof are of no use, fact based answers and validation are accused of being lies or passive aggressive, so that's out the window. Getting defensive, my go-to move (I'm working on it) makes things worse. And silence comes across as guilt. I have no reasonable part in this. I'm the punching bag for insecurity, again.

I don't know how to mentally and emotionally prepare for this again. It really takes a huge toll on me.   

Another member, formflier, has been accused of having a secret family with another woman. He regularly dealt with these types of paranoid accusations, but things are better on that front in his relationship. I'll PM him and get him to weigh in on this.

Very challenging position you're in, LB. You do not need to participate in these grillings.  

[formflier]

I'm heading out to go swim for a bit to work on my back.

I'll give a more detailed reply later this evening.

Can you give me some he said she said of a "story"... I know it might be long, but getting the flavor will help.

Paranoia is mostly gone from my relationship because I identified ways I was "invalidating" my wife... and I stopped that.

Proving myself innocent was invalidating her.  My guess is I will have you focus on her feelings and being friendly... .and stay away from facts.  Crazy... I know.but it will likely work.

OH yea... when did this start.  What seems to trigger it.

FF

[formflier]

She got slightly offended at that (proof dismissing an accusation is a sore spot for her). 

 
   

Therefore... .no more proof... .seriously.

She is not offended... she is invalidated.

FF

[CryWolf]

Im sorry you are going through this pal. I have been in your position before as well with my expwBPD.

instances in my case:
-bought her flowers, cashier had blonde hair. she pulls a strand of blonde hair out the bag and accuses me.

-accuses me of cheating, and when i deny it, she says "only a person who lies, pupils get bigger. i was a psych major so I know" invalidating anything i say after.

-phone calls/texts from guys/girls means im cheating

-going to resturants means im looking at girls/waitresses.

anything i say or do, makes the situation worse.

I would also plead and try to showcase my pov. makes things worse, she wants to go home and not talk to me anymore. she makes a scene but says im the one making a scene. if i showed any facts, it would most likely make the situation worse. "how i do this or that" "if i didnt love you, i wouldnt etc"... phrases were invalidating.


How are you handling your time away from her? Do you have a group of friends/therapist/gym you can destress from the situation? Although, im not sure if you spend time away from her if it will make the current situation worse or not. You come first  

Has she brought up why she assumes you may be cheating? What lead her to these accusations?

[pearlsw]

Hi Local_Boogeyman,

This is tough stuff! I am so sorry you are having to deal with it. It is always good to carry that tool in your head, and don't JADE. When I used that tool it often helped, but I would just stop myself from being defensive. You can't defend against false accusations, and shouldn't.

As formflier has previewed a bit you can try to validate, recognize she has feelings, and she feels bad, but, and we'll see what ff says, but I think you recognize them and move on.

I notice with my partner that I tend to not want to want to ever mention to him when anyone flirts with me, even in the tiniest ways, because I don't want to feed his worries and ability to interrogate me. But I don't want you to limit yourself so much you can't live life, and I don't want that for myself either. I know it is hard, we tend to want to take the path of least resistance, but you know you aren't up to anything so try to hold that center inside of yourself and not break under the weight of this. She is saying words, words are clouds, they will pass. Don't attach extra stuff to them.

So, that is part of the D in don't JADE. Don't defend. You do not want to get stuck in a loop arguing back.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[formflier]

As formflier has previewed a bit you can try to validate, recognize she has feelings, and she feels bad, but, and we'll see what ff says, but I think you recognize them and move on.

 

So... .the first thing is to stay friendly... .give an "oh my goodness no... ." (not really with a laugh... but very light hearted).

Very important not to get defensive or express your hurt that you were "unjustly accused"... etc etc.

"Whaaat... Oh my goodness no (or never)"... perhaps lean in a bit and a light touch somewhere.  (brief pause) and then try to move to something positive...

then if she continues...

"Oh now... .this doesn't seem like you.  Are you worried?... .can I just be close with you for a bit here... ." (again... stay light... .with just a touch of concern)

Big stuff to remember in all this.  Don't repeat the concern... .(Do what?  you think I'm making Susie Sillypants holler?)  (that's a big no)  Notice when I said no or never... .I didn't "tie it to anything"

perhaps this is a time (if there is still persistence)... where you get a bit serious.

(tone is now supportive... .not really lighthearted.) 

Mrs FF... .(pause and be thoughtful).  I hear what you are saying and this seems really important to you.  I'm going to get us both a glass of water and sit her close with you and understand this better.  (note the support... .and inserting "time to cool down"

At no point are you specifically saying no or "answering the charge"   The no is always general... .and not too much no.

More later... .this is going to be a firehose.

FF

[Enabler]

All these pauses I think FF might have another forum on the side... .

[Cat Familiar]

Here's a great article on JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

We naturally want to explain when we're falsely accused. Certainly that's a good strategy in some contexts, but not with a BPD partner.

[Local_Boogeyman]

Thank you so much everyone, I truly appreciate the time you took to read and give some insight.

As a follow up: Once the kids were asleep, I asker her what she would like to talk about. Of course, it was about her questioning my fidelity and ultimately my love for her. She presented it all to me as if she were a lawyer offering up evidence, "evidence" going as far back as 17 years ago when we had our first kiss and be believed I didn't kiss her back emphatically enough. Things such as smelling like other women when I get home from work, and I have company issued cell phone that is strictly for business use that she doesn't not have access to and I'm probably using that phone to interact with my "girlfriend". Also, I'm probably having sex with girls, or my girlfriend at work because my job requires me to have access to all areas of the building and I know all the little hiding spots. Just a lot of circumstantial things, coupled with an insecure BPD mind.

I listened without saying a word, despite all the incorrect assumptions and allegations. When I did speak up, I was sure to validate her feelings and emotions and proceeded to answer her questions without injecting any of my negative emotions. When she followed my answers with claims of not believing me and telling me that if I can't come clean and be honest with her, we're not going to last much longer. I told her all I can do is be honest with you, and I can't control if you believe me or not. She didn't like that part, which led to things escalating to the larger picture of her believing I don't want to be her and out kids. That's a trigger for me. I feel that's completely dismissive of my feelings, the past 17 years together, and all the work I've put into our life together. I expressed that, and she told me I was manipulating the conversation, and it didn't matter what I said. It was then I just shut up, and let her "take the gloves off" as it were and she bombarded me with grievances from nearly 2 decades together. Once she was done, it was concluded with, "you know what, just forget I said anything."

So, once I was beaten down again with paying penance for every mistake I've made yet again, I was left to "just forget it." That was enraging, for a lot reasons, one of them being that if I were to speak up I would be either accused of being defensive (despite the things she was saying), continuing the argument, or manipulating the conversation to be about me. So, in the end, the "conversation" was more of a monologue beating for 3 hours (yes, three hours).

Now we're going to have the awkward civil days after, where neither of us are happy because nothing was solved and the only thing was the was accomplished was bringing anger and sadness to the forefront while laying blame, and no one wants to rock the boat further. 

While I indulge her with validation and understand as much as I possibly can, sometimes I just don't have it in me. I struggle with severe depression, anxiety, a stressful job (being the sole source of income), being the best father I can be to our two young children, financial woes, family issues, picking up a vast majority of the household chores (because of her depression and anxiety), and just life in general. On top of that, trying so hard to be a good husband to a BPD wife. I'm supposed to this machine of validation and support, no matter the cost while my own mental conditions and well being are dismissed and ignored. It's an awful place to be. Am I wrong to think that this is a very heavy burden to bear daily?

I don't know how much more of these incidents I can handle. I know I can't take another dissociative episode from my wife.

     

[formflier]

Whatever you can do to give some he said she said... would be helpful.

You gave some detail in your last post which was good.

How long would you listen between speaking?

How many different theories would she raise before you spoke up?

When you did speak up, was it in response to a question.

Asked another way, I'm guessing you listened to 5 to 10 theories before speaking up... .something "got you off the bench" to speak or interrupt her... .what was that?

Describe her mood.

Describe yours.

Describing changes in mood over the talk.

Back to my request... perhaps pick one theory... .and give word for word on that... vice an entire conversation.  Would be helpful to pick a theory where you responded some.

 

This can get better.  No idea if we can "fix"... .but I'm positive we can help you "reduce the temp"

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You’re at the end of your rope after all these relentless cross examinations. Who wouldn’t be? Sounds like she threw everything at you but stopped before the waterboarding.  

You did good with the validating until she wore you down. You were under no obligation to sit there and be harangued for three hours.

She threatened you with the dissolution of your marriage. What would happen if you had said something like, “I don’t want that, but if you’re not happy, that’s up to you.”

Of course her telling you that you don’t want to be with her and the kids is a trigger. The same is a trigger for me.

What I’ve done is to repeatedly tell my husband that he is welcome to tell me how he feels but that he is not to tell me how I feel. I’ve had to say this many times and it has not been well received but I’ve stopped that habit, more or less.

Something that formflier says regularly is “take your ears elsewhere.” You do not owe her the opportunity to diss you for hours at a time, not even for minutes. What he says to disengage is something along the lines of “this conversation can continue when there’s respect between us.” It’s not pointing a finger at her, but telling her that you have a boundary and respectful discussion is imperative.

When you start using boundaries, you must do it 100% of the time. Otherwise you’ll be subject to boundary busting, kind of like when a child whines so much that the parent gives in, just to get the kid to shut up.

You’ve got a ton on your plate: your own relationship exhaustion, a stressful job, being a good dad, financial worries, household chores, and a BPD wife! Of course you’re overwhelmed! Anyone would be if they had to carry your burdens.

Though it seems overwhelming at first to want to learn a new way of communicating with your BPD wife, and it does take a bit of work, in the long run it will make your life so much easier.

I say this from personal experience. I was pretty pissed off at having to change me when he was the problem. But now I have, I barely notice his BPD at all and when he does act crummy, I can extract myself from his drama and peacefully exist in my own space. Learning the tools can save a ton of energy in the long run.

[Notwendy]

Boogeyman- I didn't face quite these accusations as frequently but irrational jealousy has happened to me. I will share some tips from a marriage counselor on accusations in general.

If we are accused of something that isn't true, then we have nothing to defend. In fact, defending it, in a sense, validates the accusation. This is consistent with the JADE idea. The "pink elephant" accusation idea helped me. If someone accused you of being a pink elephant, would you make any effort convincing them that you are not one? Would it hurt you feelings? Or would you think that is odd- because you are absolutely certain you are not a pink elephant and that if someone thinks you are on, that doesn't mean you are.

When we defend what isn't true - just because someone thinks something about us- it means we have trouble staying with the reality that we are absolutely certain that we didn't do it. That is boundaries.

The first step in this is to be secure with your boundaries. You have not cheated. Also know what is cheating and what is not- to you. YOU are the person who defines your boundaries. You know what cheating is, and what it is not. Bumping into someone on the subway is not cheating. Neither is talking to a co-worker about a project at work.

I've spent time defending accusations, feeling "shame" for accusations where I second guessed myself. In one long dragged out circular discussions he brought up a guy I had a crush on as a teen years before I even met my H. I tried to explain that it wasn't cheating if I wasn't even dating or married to my H yet but he maintained his position and I felt shame for something I didn't do as if somehow I was responsible for his feeling upset in the moment.

These discussions won't change anything. If her thinking is disordered, then you can not change the imagination. So this is what I concluded:

I haven't cheated. I don't plan to, but I know that as a human being, I have to have good boundaries with any kind relationship with a male- with these boundaries- I can talk to a co-worker or an old friend as long as I don't cross my personal boundaries. I am human and that doesn't mean I will not ever notice if someone is attractive. Boundaries mean I don't do anything about it. Basically, my own definition of fidelity is traditional and in accordance to basic religious and society definitions of cheating,  and it is my own value. I don't break my own values because my values are a source of my own self esteem. If I broke them, I would feel bad about myself and I care enough about myself to keep them.

What is missing here? Another person's thinking. If I am absolutely confident in my values, then someone else's thinking doesn't change that. If accused, I recognize it as a pink elephant and don't defend it. I also don't react emotionally or change to accommodate the fear. I used to avoid all kinds of things that would make my H uncomfortable. Then, one day I decided that this was absurd and went to a school reunion. Yes, there was raging and accusations after that, but -- I didn't cheat and I know I didn't cheat-and I didn't explain.

This is a cycle- she imagines and you reinforce it by reacting to it, explaining, feeling hurt, changing your actions doing everything to try to change her thinking. But she is going to think what she thinks. Be certain about what you believe is true about you- and don't fuel the drama by reacting to it. There could be some extinction bursts at first- it can get worse before better. The thinking won't change but the accusations may not be as frequent when they don't get reinforced by your attention to them.

[Local_Boogeyman]

Hey everyone- again, thank you all for your help and support. After reading all of your feedback, reflecting on the current situation, my reactive and proactive behavior, and the past, I've come to a few conclusions, but first some answers to questions FF had asked.

For context: dBPDw and I separated for about 5 months, nearly 4 years ago. During that time, I was a continued to be Stay at home Dad, while she worked. During the separation, I slept on my Mom's couch at night, but still maintained my position as a Stay at home Dad at home. I would get up early in the morning, drive to my apartment, help get my oldest ready for school, drop him off at school, wife at work, and back to the apartment to care for the youngest. I spent the days doing what I did before the separation, pick ups and drop offs at school for my son, and pickups and drop offs at work for my wife, cleaning, laundry, cooking. Everything was the same, except at night, after I put my kids to bed, I went to my Mother's home and job hunted at night. Everyone thought I was crazy for still doing all those things for a woman who didn't want to be with me and a home I didn't live in anymore, but I did it anyway because it seemed it made sense and helped make my family run a lot smoother.

During the separation, I began a light flirty relationship with someone on the internet. Nothing even slightly heavy or serious, just a nice distraction from the strange situation I found myself in. I was also contacted out of the blue by an ex-gf, which led to some nostalgia filled conversations. Nothing about still having feelings or anything like that, just reminiscing and catching up.

When W and I started to reconcile (meaning she realized she wanted me back), I ceased all communication with the internet girl and the ex. In a moment of insecurity, w went through my phone while I was sleeping and saw a flirty text to the internet girl, and an email exchange with the ex, all marked and dated during our separation. This sent W into a complete tailspin ending with checking herself into an inpatient facility for anxiety attacks a few days later. (It wouldn't be until her next in-patient stay that she would be diagnosed with BPD).

It should be noted that w has carried on 3 different emotional affairs, via the internet with 3 different men. One being a childhood friend, the other 2 she had met on a social media site.

I had caught her in the first one, and all the lies she told to cover it up. It only ended when this guy started drinking heavily and became a person she didn't like anymore, not when I confronted her or told her that was not an appropriate relationship. I forgave her.

The second one was in my face, as were having some martial difficulties at the time. She was ALWAYS in her phone emailing and texting him (who turned out to be a convicted pedophile, but continued on with him) distracting her from our relationship. It only ended when they had some kind of falling out, not when I told her how uncomfortable that relationship made me. I forgave her.

The third one, and perhaps worst one, happened while she was pregnant with our youngest son. It was a very unplanned pregnancy, so it was a very difficult time. During that time, she met another married man via a social media site. They became friendly, something I picked up on very early, which raised my antenna as I've been down this road. One morning, I had picked up her phone my mistake (I swear, we have the same phone) I went to my draft emails to continue an email I begun writing to a friend and saw an EXTREMELY sexually graphic email to her new friend (obsession). I peered a little further and saw an email exchange over a 100 emails long describing the different sex acts, in detail, they wanted to preform with each other. I got sick to my stomach right there. I called her out on what I had found later that night, and she told me it wasn't what thought it was. She begged, cried, and screamed that it wasn't what it was. I told her I thought she needed to stop talking to this person. Fast forward a little, she told me did, because of a falling out, again not because she got caught or it was wrong. That was a lie I found out after the separation. She told me she carried on that relationship for over a year, again, they stopped because of a falling out, not me. During that year, every time I brought it up, she was scream, cry, and argue that I was wrong, making me feel like I did something wrong for feeling hurt and angry about it. Since then, she has interactions with him, at her initiation. Again, I forgave her.

Back to the current situation: I let her speak uninterrupted for about 10 minutes while she laid the groundwork to how she go to her conclusion. The smells I would sometimes come home with, the emails she found while we were separated, our lack of intimacy, the sudden onset of working overtime etc, then came the all the "clues" from the past, out first kiss, and things like that. It was after ten minutes of that I had to speak up, if I didn't I knew she would go on and on and work herself up and convince herself even further, she has a habit of doing that. The more spoke, the sadder and angrier she got. The emotions then just take over and questions and thoughts easily transition to vehement accusations.

I told her that I understood where she was coming from, and that I could only imagine how much thoughts like those could make you feel (I actually know first hand, having proof, but that wasn't the time to bring that up). My words were dismissed as being pandering. I told her I love her and nothing like what she thinks is happening. I told her again that my depression and anxiety has really taken a toll on my libido, (Didn't say it, but she hasn't made a single attempt at intimacy in about a year). Again, this was dismissed as lies. From there, she gets heated, getting more aggressive, making more assumptions and reaching into her bag of Boogeyman flaws, and pulling them out to hit me with them. Any attempt at dodging them or rationality is labeled as defensive or invalidating. All the while, I can help but want  to scream at what hypocrite she is being, considering she's dismissing me for validating her, and all those admitted and proved affairs she participated in.

All of our disagreements end up evolving into a much deeper criticism of our relationship, ie, me. I never really get a chance to bring any of my grievances to the table because a) I walk on eggshells to not upset her leading to an attack on me b) she's never having a "good" day, the depression has a tight hold on her. While we argue, and I bring up what upsets me, she points out I'm manipulating the conversation (which I understand).

She's completed a year long DBT program, and she was doing well for a while, but the past year or so have not been kind as she stopped using the skills and tools she learned. She's currently in a "Life Skills" group, which is more or less DBT, but she's begun to manipulate the tools and skills to her advantage to justify her behavior and actions.

Right or wrong, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just as much to blame as her. I engage with her when I know shouldn't (I just can't handle the fallout if I don't). I lose my patience with her condition always being at the forefront of every single thing that I do/she does or says, I feel like I'm a third wheel in this marriage. Also, I will never live down any flaw or mistake I made. I don't consider my behavior while we where separated to be inappropriate or wrong, but in the end it was band-aid to make myself feel better in the moment, but I've been paying for it ever since, while her indiscretions while we were together are justified in her eyes and cannot be brought to the table anymore because thats "bringing up the past just to throw it in my face" (never mind, I remember every single word I read and it still hurts me).

Like DBT preaches, I can either do nothing and be miserable, doing something and change it, or leave. The problem is, I've done all three over the years, and here I am.

Thanks for reading everyone.      

    

[formflier]

Back to the current situation: I let her speak uninterrupted for about 10 minutes while she laid the groundwork to how she go to her conclusion.  

I told her that I understood where she was coming from, and that I could only imagine how much thoughts like those could make you feel (I actually know first hand, having proof, but that wasn't the time to bring that up). My words were dismissed as being pandering. I told her I love her and nothing like what she thinks is happening. I told her again that my depression and anxiety has really taken a toll on my libido, (Didn't say it, but she hasn't made a single attempt at intimacy in about a year). Again, this was dismissed as lies. From there, she gets heated, getting more aggressive, making more assumptions and reaching into her bag of Boogeyman flaws, and pulling them out to hit me with them. Any attempt at dodging them or rationality is labeled as defensive or invalidating. All the while, I can help but want  to scream at what hypocrite she is being, considering she's dismissing me for validating her, and all those admitted and proved affairs she participated in.

All of our disagreements end up evolving into a much deeper criticism of our relationship, ie, me.  

OK... take this as a general description of stuff to change... .so that things don't get so heated.

I'm more interested that you get the concepts... .rather than memorize words and phrases.

1.  You don't understand... .she is blathering... . 

2.  Very good phrase "I can only imagine... "

much better "Oh babe (friendly)... I don't understand all this... .I want to understand... .but I CAN imagine how bad these thoughts can make you feel"

See... .how that comes across differently.

Then... .after a pause... .and likely more blather.  "Hey... Babe... .can we slow down so I can think about this.  Perhaps we can just be close... .just be together while I try to understand."

She how you try to shift.

No insistence of love... .perhaps you use love in an offhand way.

"I just can't imagine why I would want anyone else when I have you"  See... there is denial in there... .but it is "delivered" at an angle... .vice a frontal assault."

This is her crisis time... .DO NOT talk about your issues... especially "again".  

"She get's heated" is because of all the "invalidation" you have heaped on her.

She had a small fire burning... .and you dumped "gas" all over it.  Now there is a massive fire...

Stop for a moment.  Read this several times.  How does the "approach" strike you as different from what you are doing?

FF

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Start reading and thinking about validation and invalidation?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So you both have valid reasons to be suspicious of the other. The difference being that she feels justified in having emotional affairs, while she's totally unforgiving of you. Yes, the BPD paradox: it's OK if I do it, but not if he does it. That's so hard to deal with emotionally for us nons. They just can't seem to understand the concepts of fairness or forgiveness.  

And yes, you're having to shoulder a far bigger burden than she will ever understand. It's not easy to be patient when you're in a relationship with a pwBPD and there is no equality.

I can only think of one strategy I'd be using if I were in your shoes and that would be to refuse to engage in rehashing the past. "We both did things that undermined our marriage. I'm not willing to discuss the past and I'm not doing anything in the present that harms us."

As you've seen, she just winds herself up further with these discussions. I suspect that much of what fuels her paranoia is projection. She's worried that you'll cheat because she doesn't want to face her own proclivities in the past.

I was about to cross post with formflier. He's got a lot of experience in dealing with these sorts of issues and I don't. I'd give a lot of weight to what he's recommending.

[Notwendy]

Unfortunately you both have some evidence to confirm suspicions - I think that makes the situation tougher. But even without evidence as I think in my case and FF’s “evidence “ can be interpreted from anything and “ confirms” in the moment -the fears.

This is a fear of abandonment looking for “proof” and I believe no amount of explaining, convincing, discussing, or avoiding any contact with opposite sex can alleviate that fear. I don’t mean cheating contact but texting a coworker, taking a business call- complete nothing contacts can trigger the fear.

We all have to deal with uncertainty in a relationship. It’s not a comfortable thought but anyone can cheat and we may not know it. We may think it alleviates a fear to restrict someone’s freedom to talk to others, check their phone, repeatedly question and accuse but it’s like OCD. OCD behaviors involve fears and anxiet and the more the person engages in rituals to calm it down - the more it feeds the fear.

We have to somehow reconcile our own vulnerability in a relationship. I think the best we can do is trust the other person. If that person betrays the trust then some healing needs to happen or a decision needs to be made about the relationship. Go on as is or decide it may not work.

It may take marriage counseling for the two of you to reconcile this. Counseling isn’t always effective for BPD situations but a counselor might be able to guide the two of you to some agreements.