Facebook - Social Media

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here are my thoughts and experience... .Facebook and social media seem to play a recurrent theme in many of the relationships posted here in various states.

First, social media has added a very powerful and different dimension to difficult relationships.  When things are going good it heightens experiences - when they are breaking down - well, it magnifies things as well. For persons with Cluster B disorders:

Facebook = Facebook

For the disordered person it is an easel to paint the picture they want others to see.  This is fluid based on their emotions at that instant.  It is also another playground for the "flying monkeys" to ply their trade unknowingly, but perhaps sickly satisfying. Remember; social media allows to disordered person to tell others and try to convince themselves this is actually who there are and what is going on - it is not.  Social media is an avenue for the disordered person to attempt to reaffirm who they want to be and how they want life to be - this is not reality.

Here is a tactic I employed: ask for full access.  You want their password.  In a truly loving and committed relationship there is full transparency - full accountability.  As I asked for this, I offered my password - and the right to look at my cell phone (texting, too) at any time.  Surprisingly enough, this was not reciprocated.  Actually, this caused great angst and turmoil in my partner.  What you are actually asking is for the disordered person to begin to see who they really are - not who they project.

This can be another tool to give you the truth and strength you need to go no contact; a physical, real life up to date reality check. An affirmation that your partner wants to maintain a separate life, rather than engaging and checking in. 

[hoemee]

Here are my thoughts and experience... .Facebook and social media seem to play a recurrent theme in many of the relationships posted here in various states.

First, social media has added a very powerful and different dimension to difficult relationships.  When things are going good it heightens experiences - when they are breaking down - well, it magnifies things as well. For persons with Cluster B disorders:

Facebook = Facebook

For the disordered person it is an easel to paint the picture they want others to see.  This is fluid based on their emotions at that instant.  It is also another playground for the "flying monkeys" to ply their trade unknowingly, but perhaps sickly satisfying. Remember; social media allows to disordered person to tell others and try to convince themselves this is actually who there are and what is going on - it is not.  Social media is an avenue for the disordered person to attempt to reaffirm who they want to be and how they want life to be - this is not reality.

Here is a tactic I employed: ask for full access.  You want their password.  In a truly loving and committed relationship there is full transparency - full accountability.  As I asked for this, I offered my password - and the right to look at my cell phone (texting, too) at any time.  Surprisingly enough, this was not reciprocated.  Actually, this caused great angst and turmoil in my partner.  What you are actually asking is for the disordered person to begin to see who they really are - not who they project.

This can be another tool to give you the truth and strength you need to go no contact; a physical, real life up to date reality check. An affirmation that your partner wants to maintain a separate life, rather than engaging and checking in. 

[pearlsw]

Hi hoemee,

I was tracking with you here, until I read this about passwords and then had to part company.

Funny thing, I never had a password on my computer until my SO suggested I do so. So, I set one up. After that he did all he could to spy on me.

I dunno. I just don't think healthy relationships work that way, but I think reasonable people can disagree on this.

I like to be on the up and up, but I would never, ever, ever give anyone access to my computer. Ever. I don't think I should have to. I think it can easily be used for abuse and control and your absolute statements here belie that reality a bit.

If you can get someone to agree to that, fine, good for you, but I have to say this doesn't strike me as a universally good thing. A lot of people end up in abusive relationships and this level of access can lead to control and no easy path out.

Just food for thought.

take care, pearl.

[hoemee]

Interesting perspective Pearl... .I will think about this from your angle and perhaps revisit... .

[Mutt]

Hi hoemee,

I can see what you’re saying that the other person may not want you to see communications etc. Did your ex have her phone open then. started locking her phone? That would look I suspicious but I have to agree with pearlsw it’s about my privacy I don’t have to share my passwords with my gf’s it doesn’t mean that I’m leading a double life it’s personal.

[downheart]

I understand your motivation, but sharing passwords can lead to spying. Everyone deserves the right to personal communications and privacy. Healthy boundaries fosters healthy trust.

[hoemee]

Healthy boundaries fosters healthy trust

That is an interesting point.  I guess my point was that my life is an open book to my partner, I have nothing to hide... .but while I am attempting to employ boundaries, I must respect others as well.   I have been so consumed with my experience and study of Cluster B disorders I have been hyper focused on what I perceive to be the issues.  I do realize that just because someone exhibits signs of Borderline personality or Narcissism, does not mean they actually have it.  Only a qualified professional can determine that.  Sometimes these symptoms are just plain related to unresolved trauma in an individual.  However; in this particular instance I am speaking of involves what I believe to be the final stage of our relationship, the discard stage for her towards me.  I suspected she was trying to engage new sources of supply.  She gives me glimpses of this; not sure if she is trying to punish me or make me jealous to re engage.   We have recycled several times.  If it is in fact time for my discard I will accept it this time.  It has been a long, tiring, but educational journey... .   

[Zemmma]

Ah! this came up... in a major way.

But my BPD-trait ex was the one trying to force full transparency.

This could be looked at as a difference in values. I value privacy, he values complete openness. But unfortunately his motive was a lack of trust. In me. In everyone.

I was never locked down with my ex-husband. I never considered looking through his emails, phone, notes, etc. I don't think he looked through mine. We had access to each other's computers and emails I guess. But it didn't occur to us to go through each other's stuff. That was a 27 year relationship. It literally did not come up.

Then I met this very special one. I didn't have a password on my phone or computer. Over time I realized he was going through EVERYTHING. Notes between me and my sister and my mother and my friends. He would find things that displeased him even if there was nothing to find. Like the night I was at a bar and having a drink alone and texted a few people but didn't mention him.

I told him that sometimes I needed to keep confidences. What if a friend told me a secret? Should he be privy to everything anyone says to me?

He went through facebook PM's I had with old friends before I had even met him.

He went through texts between my ex-h and I as we were going through our divorce and custody issues. He took screen shots of these conversations and sent them to himself.

He would break into my locked briefcase and read the contents. Once when I left him at my house, I had moved the briefcase. He found it in my son's closet. How many places had he riffled through before finding it in there? He was supposed to be making me a birthday dinner and I left him at my house because I had to run an errand. I was nervous about that so I even said, ":)on't go through my underwear drawers when I am gone!"

If I failed to hang up the phone with him (as can happen with cell phones) he would stay on the line and listen in to conversations I was having.

He came to a bar where I was celebrating a 40th bday with a friend and stood behind the fence listening to our conversation with other people to see if I'd mention I had a boyfriend.

Over time I learned. I had to lock that %&* down! I wasn't cheating on him. I didn't lead a "secret life." He called me 'mysterious' and 'secretive' and said we had no trust.

Every time I went to his house I changed my password on my phone. When he admitted to breaking into my phone he said he said he did it by watching my finger movements to decipher the password. /

I never gave him a key to my house.

Towards the end of our relationship he wanted to watch movies in bed but I wouldn't let him use my laptop because I knew I'd fall asleep and he'd riffle through it until he found something to make a big false deal out of. I used my son't ipad instead- he was not happy with that.

We stopped being friends on facebook five years ago because we would both find too much we didn't like.

The only reason he allowed me to go through his stuff openly is that he was vigilant. He didn't trust anyone so he left no trace of anything remotely questionable as he went along.