My dad died, husband verbally abusing us, and broke my shoulder

[Radcliff]

Catlady, it's been a couple of days.  How are you?

I agree with HQ that the hotline doesn't need to know specifics about BPD.  The important thing is to describe his behaviors.  They will be familiar with this.  The fact that he had a gun and was threatening to kill himself with it, that he's sent you hundreds of messages, that he drove 800 miles to meet you in the middle of the night, that you feel he's mentally unstable, and the fact that his meanness feels like it's seeping through his messages at the same time he's talking about getting back together.  If you just rattle off those things, they'll know what you're dealing with.

The two key things that I'm thinking you need now are reassurance and support to stay your course and remain separated safely without meeting him.  And a safety plan.  That safety plan may include a restraining order.  I'm not telling you what to do, but that is something to consider if you think he might approach the house.  If he does approach your house, even without a restraining order, you should call the police immediately.

Meeting with a domestic violence advocate locally this week would be a very good step towards obtaining more support, and working on a safety plan.  Can you do this?

WW

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Catlady3.14]

thank you all for the support. this has been so very difficult. we just got wifi and phone hooked up. my shoulder is absolutely killing me. but it is getting better slowly. i have about six inches of movement gained back.
the kids are doing good i have all 3 of mone back with me.
things have settled with husband. he has a few rants here and there but i thi,k he realizes how serious i am about this split. iit is sad... .he is stone cold sober. he has started therapy and he has appoligized for the things he has said and done.to me the kids and his behaviour. 
He said, "I know i should have know and im a dipsh!T for not knowing but I never thought i could lose my whole family and life by my choices and actions."
we have decided to split custody with our little one. I have little issue with him seeing him, as long as he is sober of course but need legal papers in order.
he wants to move to a nearby city to be close. but his oldest refuses to move with him and i am not happy with that choice. the 800 miles is,distant but i think it is needed. plus he would b e leaving his,oldest to do so. i told him i can not tell,him,what to do but i would like for him to put himself first and care for himself and his son. also that i will be as,civil as possible and,help anyway i can to allow visitation.  he asked for a week on week off visits.
that will tear me up as i have never had to be without any of my babies.
i feel like im,making the right moves. i think this has been long needed split. i wish it wasnt like that, but it is. i wanted the family, more babies and a happy,home with a,husband and partner to share and build a,life with and i'm alone. starting over and from near scratch. thankful for the home that i have and i pray i can legally secure it and start working soon. physically unable to do muxh of anything.

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

It's good to hear from you, thanks for the update.

I'm sorry to hear the shoulder is still bothering you; good you've gotten some range of motion back, though.  Often in times like this we let self-care slide.  Are you due for any doctor's visits for the shoulder?  Have you had any physical therapy visits?  In just a few visits of physical therapy they can teach you some good exercises to do, so it can be helpful even if you don't have insurance coverage for a lot of visits.

Week on week off with a dad who has been unreliable and is 800 miles away seems like a lot.  Even if he's close, it seems like a lot.  Does he have experience caring for a toddler solo?  At the same time, a moderate solution that keeps the parent-child connection is likely to work best for everyone.  I'd encourage you to start a thread on the Legal board where we've got experienced members who can discuss this with you.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat,

I'm wondering if a local DV advocate can give you help and support (possibly legal advice?) around arrangements for visitation in light of what S3 has experienced with his father.  They may be able to give you examples of what has worked well for other mothers in similar situations, in ensuring a relationship whilst safeguarding the wellbeing of the child.  Can you hold off making any major decisions in the short term whilst you deal with acclimatising to your new situation and find your feet?  How are you feeling at present?

Love and light x