My dad died, husband verbally abusing us, and broke my shoulder

[Catlady3.14]

I haven't had an opportunity. To post. And or respond. My dad passed away last week
   He was very ill, though I just found out about this last week. His gf. Has been lying to me over the phone and I don't know. Things are bad. I think she had something to do with his death. And I Know she looted his money, My inheritance.  She lied to me about almost 400,000 dollars. The money makes me mad. Bit the fact that I had no chance to talk to him and tell him I love him one last time. Breaks my heart.
I have to get an attorney.

On top of all this... .I broke my shoulder bone an
d dislocation. It. The day he wad buried. Then I drove some 14 hours,home
With a 3 year old,a broken shoulder and just losing my dad... .I get here and,husband throws me out and starts verbally abusing me and telling my baby all kind of things.
I had to call 911 because he,was,threatening to destroy all my things.
My mother in law picked me up and the cops. Waited whole I got my things
I did get to get one night,of sleep
Ugh

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Oh Catlady3.14,

This is just heartbreaking! Way too much going on all at once! I am so sorry about your father and not having that chance to talk to him.

In time, as you grieve, you will find ways to say what you need to to him. Oh, so sad though! (shaking my head with grief for you.)

Do you have a place to stay now for awhile? Or will there be more instability?

sending you so much love   and hope, pearl. 

[Harley Quinn]

Cat I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.  My heart goes out to you   

The whole situation around his passing sounds very upsetting and stressful for you.  How did you manage to break your shoulder?

Are you staying with your MIL still and S3 with you?  It sounds like you have so much on your plate and could use some peace to process everything.  I'm saddened to hear that is not what you got on your return home, but it does not surprise me.  What did the police say to you?

Love and light x 

[Catlady3.14]

Man oh man. Its been a doozy.  I am falling. To pieces.
I buried my dad then I was worried about getting on the road to get,home. Husband was freaking out. The whole time I was gone. Well I was walking up a ramp and I tripped on my flip flop and fell off onto a wooden deck. It dislocated and  broke the top of the shoulder.
They gave me the max dose of morphine... .which did not work, apparently I'm immune. . So they couldn't give me anything til they sedated me. Took 6 hours,of,pure,pain and,he'll
I'm in severe pain.
I'm at my,mother in laws abd she's awesome abd understanding.
Baby has been a big helper too

[pearlsw]

Hi Catlady3.14,

What is the plan for now? Living with your mother-in-law indefinitely? How does your husband feel about you being there? Are you two communicating at all?

take care, pearl.

[Turkish]

That's a lot to deal with to say the least, and shame on your husband.  It sounds like you and your son are safe now,  yes?

[Catlady3.14]

Oh... .and my aunt was there. With me when I broke it.and at hospital thank,God to watch my son. She has a pace marker abd defibrillator... she was zapped twice cause she was so stressed by me in pain.
She calls husband and told him I was hurt abd where I was. He tried to tell me that she refused,to tell,him where,me and baby were. But I know better. I heard her say it. She even offered to. Buy him a bus or plane ticket to get him there. He yelled and was nasty to,her and Saud he wasn't accepting sH!t from her he was going to hitch hike! Of course he didn't. He called his mom and told her he needed money.
 ) I told the police that husband had mental. Illness and he is scared of police and that he has no weapons and would harm himself before anyone else. He cuts and burns. And he is suicidal a lot.
I am welcome at. Mother in laws for as long as needed. And any time.
This is the first time I have had to spend though.
I have been in contact with him and I told him that unless he was willing to put the effort into getting help and not just another broken promise I could not. Go on with him. I'm tapped out here. I bet he sent me NO less than a thousand texts in the 6 day's I was gone. I have no signal so communications were limited but I messaged him every day and tried to be very reassuring. 
He is begging me to,come home and telling me how much he really does love me and how perfect I am! Ugh!
Wish I could listen and believe him but it a the extremes. 
I know we shouldn't try ultimatum with BPD but it is not one I'm willing to,go back  on. If he does not get help I am moving out abd being done.
He threatened,to put drugs in my stuff so I would get arrested and lose the baby,-- he said this to me!
I told the dispatch lady this as well!
He told me,he was going to destroy all my granddads/ dad's belongings I had brought home and I was trying to,move them... he says" I hope you break it again you,fn wh@'re you deserve it. You should hurt , I am glad you,hurt. "
Then he laughs hysterically.
I am so very heart broken,right now. For so many reasons.
My bab has Been so Good to me. I can't believe a 3 yo. Can have so much compassion and understanding.
He stays right by me, such a beautiful sweet heart! I am blessed , I keep reminding myself how much real love I have in others.
My mom and I talked she came up,the,funerals and she stayed in town a few days before.  She said she was sorry and she would never hurt my kids abd she would have never really reported me to DCS .
I told her that I loved her and this wad the only other chance with me. To never cross me or threaten my kids again.
She said she knows and understands and she will never again.
She was great with baby and we were right back as if nothing ever happened!
 

[Harley Quinn]

Cat, that's an awful situation you went through with your husband. It does sound like he was really dysregulated and I know how scary and upsetting it can be to hear those things. I'm glad that you are taking some space for yourself and S3 to recuperate. I'm sure he was frightened by all of this and is probably feeling upset too. I expect he'll want to cling to you right now to feel secure.

Cat, with all you're going through, now would be a good time to widen your support network and I'm so thrilled that this painful experience has been a catalyst for you to repair the r/s with your mother. That's a silver lining and your aunt and MIL both sound like good people to lean on in a crisis. Sometimes we can have more supportive people in our lives than we realise and it takes a bad experience for that to show.

Did the police offer any advice or press any charges? I'm also wondering if you might be ready to contact a local domestic abuse advocate who can hook you up with other support for yourself and the kids? They may be able to help you get counselling for example. What do you think?

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat,

I'm just wondering how you are doing and hoping that under the circumstances you are OK and have support around you.  Do let us know when you can.

Love and light x

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Cat, I'm sorry for discovering this thread so late. I can't believe what you've been through. Indeed shame on him for what he's done, BPD or no BPD. BPD doesn't excuse one from being a human being.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

Seconding HQ that it does sound like there is some good to be reaped from this, namely in the growth of your support network and to find that there are people who care for you, your wonderful son included.

Please update us on your situation as soon as you are able.

~Roland

[Radcliff]

Cat, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and especially sorry that you didn't have a chance to talk to him, and that your grieving was interrupted by such traumatic events.

How is your shoulder?  Have you received all the medical attention you need?

WW

[Harri]

Hi again Catlady.  I am sorry to hear about your Dad and all the events surrounding his funeral.  How are you?  I usually try to check in and read your posts every couple of days but this time, time got away from me.  When you can, please give us an update.  I am very glad you have a place to stay with your MIL. 

Take care and I hope you heal quickly and get some much needed peace.

[Harri]

Hi Catlady.  I am concerned.  When you can, please give us an update. 

[Catlady3.14]

Guys I'm sorry it's been so long. Things have been very hectic.
I'm alright, I guess.
I haven't had signal or anyway to get on here.
So husband promised to get help after the cops were called.
Because of my shoulder I needed to go to doctor that Monday and was suppose to head back to my dad's property asap. Because all the legal stuff. Its a total wreck! We both called and set up appointments for therapy.
He wanted to come and so we left on a tuesday? His birthday was this month so I took him out to eat and I bought him a phone cause he broke his in a rage.
And I told him I wanted to get him a pair of shoes. But the store was closed. Never. Got the chance to buy him shoes.
He flipped out that night but recede to a bed room and I went to sleep.
He said that I didn't do enough for him abd that I wasn't giving him enough attention.  I was a,jerk and told him this was the exact reason I didn't want him to come to my dad's funeral.
Which is true but mean of me to say that Way.
The next day he flips out again or just continues. ... he holds my son for two hours saying he's taking him and leaving. But I needed to give him money for gas. I told him I would give him money but my baby wasn't going with him. Traded him my baby for 200$! I lock baby and me in my dad's truck and turn up the radio.
He beats on the window screams I'm every name in the book abd throws our key in the woods. And starts walking says he is going to kill himself with my dad's gun.
He almost had me blocked in but got out if the drive. Follow him. He holds a gun to his head, while I try to talk him down. But all I am doing is escalating the situation.
So I took baby and we left and took a nap.
I was screamed at for not caring if he lived or died. I told him I could not physically. Overpower him and I was only making it worse. And ultimately if that's what he wanted to do I couldn't stop him.so the following day and night he avoids me completely.
The next day he leaves me and baby and messages me all kinds of stuff. I told him to just go,home. I had to be where I was to take care of stuff and he should go,home.
He does. Two days later I'm ready to go home. I messaged him I was worried to come and I didn't want things to be the way they had been he said Wed go to therapy,Monday abd we would do,separate and couple counseling.
I drive 5 hours towards him, I stop to message and ask for direction. He says don't come, I can't see you or the baby. I don't want to see or talk to either one of you. Go back there or where ever. Leave me a alone abd he blocks my messages.
I have not tried to call or anything.
I have a home thanks to my dad and I have his car. My kids thankfully will have a stable place and I have a small amount of cash to help me til my baby is in school or day care for me to work.
I'm not going back. I can not handle anymore. I love him dearly I really do. But I'm done. I have taken more abuse from him than I can even admit to you all. I'm heart broken but extremely relieved at the same time abd that is sad to realize.

I'm so thankful for you all I'm so happy to have a network like this community. I would be drowning. In hi a reality if nit for your support abd knowledge here.
I love you guys from the bottom of my heart!
Catlady

[Harley Quinn]

He holds a gun to his head, while I try to talk him down. But all I am doing is escalating the situation.
So I took baby and we left and took a nap.

Catlady my heart goes out to you.  It must have been terrifying for you and S3 to have to witness that.    
Was anyone else around at all?  Where is the gun now?

Thank you for giving us an update.  So much has happened.  I'm just glad and relieved to hear that you are safe and have your family supporting you right now.  I hope that you are taking really good care of yourself and S3.  When are your other children due to return to you?

I'll stop with the questions now!  Hope you're able to check in again soon and let us know how you are.

Love and light x 

[Radcliff]

Catlady, I'm glad you and S3 are safe.  I won't add any questions to the one's Harley Quinn has already asked.  We are here to support you.

WW

[Radcliff]

I saw your other post here that reminds us that your other kids, 11 and 13 years old, are at their dad's for the summer:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325488.msg12982006#msg12982006

Do you have joint bank accounts with your husband that have money in them?  :)o you need to make arrangements to keep a portion of that money safe?

Since you have taken your son across state lines, it would be a very good time to consult an attorney.  The book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy, has a very helpful section on selecting an attorney suitable for dealing with high conflict personalities.  Even if you have not decided whether to take action to end the marriage, the fact that you have brought your son to another state is something you need legal advice on.  You certainly have a good reason (access to a safe home and transportation), but it's something to talk over with an attorney just to be safe.  You may be able to get some good advice through local domestic violence resources; they may work with attorneys who can provide advice.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

I have had no contact with him, I just refuse to respond. I don't know if that's right but he will suck me in to his world sadly,it is extremes of how I am his sun and world to... it is over f me and die and go to,he'll to... him,threatening suicide.
I really do not wish to talk to him. I am done, there is no turning back for me.
I have spoken to an attorney.
Husband doesn't want to see the baby.
He knows he can not care for him without me. And I really HATE that.
I hope that he gets help but I can no longer subject the kids to his BAD days.
I'm so hurt and torn up. With all that has happened I feel betrayed by his lack of compassion or concern for me or our son.
When he is having a good day he's incredible and sweet and kind. Abd I know that's the person he WANTS to be!
It makes me cry my eyes out. 
but his illness makes him this horrible thing of terror. And you can see how Lost he is and how fearful and ashamed and. Scared he is. But I can not save him.

I really wish that I could, that I was stronger or more of something that he needed but I'm not I can't. Be and I know that.
I sent the guns home,with my dad. He will keep them safe and I don't have to worry about a them.
My kids are due home August 1.
I'm not sure if I should put my kids in the school in the area I have a home in. It doesn't seem to be a good community. And my kids were doing so well in school where we were. I was considering doing public homeschool like k_12
But I haven't talked to my kids about how they feel regarding that . I do not want my kids education to suffer either way.
My head is swimming and my health is acting up, plus my shoulder is killing me and I do NOT take medicine well. So I deal with the pain and suffer severely most days.
I think I'm incredibly stable and composed. ... until I am,alone. Then I start to fall apart. Cry myself to sleep and wake up through the night crying in my sleep.
I have a family member who has had a rough time and he needs a home. I asked him to,come and stay with me for a little while I think it may be a huge help,for both him and I.
So many changes so many.
My baby is all out of sorts. He has been acting like daddy. Cussing ranting raving. No child needs that. I hope by him seeing others Not act,that way he will drop those behaviors. It has Bern so Hard on him.
If he wakes up alone or I'm out of his sight. He loses it and screams I left him and don't,love him! My little sweet baby boy.  And he will have an awful day. He feels abandoned because he doesn't know where he is when he wakes up. I cry abd try to be rightly here as soon as his eyes open and he is usually okay.
My post is everywhere. I'm,not,sure if I answered all or any of the questions asked. But there it is folks my heart and mind.
I need to attempt  to sleep and rest my tired body.
I sincerely love you all. I wish I could hug each one of you that listen and respond to me. I am so thankful for my BPD family. 

[Radcliff]

Catlady,

No worries, it all made perfect sense.  Just take things a day at a time.  The first priority is for you to get some rest.  It's early July still, so you have a bit of time to figure out school.  Don't worry about it for a couple of days at least.

Can you tell us a little about the family member you've asked to stay with you?  It sounds nice to have the company.

Best,

WW

[Catlady3.14]

My family member. Him and I were raised like  brother and sister. He's been a hero in my life Many times. But he's my cousin.
He has addiction issues. And he has lost everything. He wants to go somewhere he doesn't know anyone abd get sober.
I know that seems like more drama but. I feel like having him may save  my sanity too. I think we may just need one another right now.
I didn't sleep a wink last night.
I've been in bad physical pain and the mental pain amplifies everything in me!
I have had a very peaceful time and enjoyed reuniting with my family.
Its been,wonderful. Like a day never passed and no anger was ever spoken.
I'm so happy and overwhelmed.
I'll cry all day if I keep talking.
I will try to keep you all updated.

[Harri]

Hi Catlady and thank you for letting us know how things are.  I am relieved to know you are in a safe place though I understand this is all terribly upsetting and maybe even scary for you. 

Having you cousin live with you can be very helpful.  Just make sure you have boundaries in place and you stick to them.  Take care of you and your little guy.  I hope you can have some restful sleep and gain some peace with all of this.  Update us when you can.

 

[Radcliff]

I'm still adjusting to your new location!   Or at least, coming up to speed.  :)id you say that it was your dad's house?  What family lives nearby?  Basically if you could give us a run down of the cast of characters in your new location, it will help us (at least me  ) stay oriented.

WW

[Catlady3.14]

It is my biological. Dads house but I have never lived with him. Mostly long distance relationship between him and I all my life.
The more I go through his home abd things left behind I find I Never really knew this man. I mean I only got the painted  version of the life he lived.
I have no one I know in my new location and the rest of my family lives a few hours away instead of 800 miles.
So I'm,close enough. That they could be there if I needed and we can have more visitation with each other.
My cousin does worry me, only because of his issues. But I haven't had the,chance to talk him thorough my boundaries and have a formal agreement in place.
We will see. But oh God yes I'm only okay with sobriety and having a home.
I need no more heart ache or drama in mine or the kids life and this disaster has provided a glimpse of stability and opportunity for us. I only intention is to make a life for myself abd kids. !
I am getting message after message from husband.
Should I respond in any way?
I feel as though I should but I also,know opening the door with allow him access.
I thought about writing him a letter and leaving it at that.
What's the proper way to go about this guys?

[Radcliff]

Have you contacted domestic violence resources in your new location?  You need some experienced in-person people to talk you through this.  You need to maintain boundaries so you have the peace to recover.  But I understand you want to show some compassion, and there's also the practical matter of wanting to be mindful of how upset he is and whether there might be safety issues.

Are you willing to reach out this week to a domestic violence agency?

Of all of the messages he is sending you, are there any that don't have emotional content that you can respond to?  Simple stuff like where are the spare keys to his truck, how to work the coffee maker, etc.  You can say that you and your son are OK, though you don't feel well and need to rest a lot.  You can say you hope he's OK.  Don't get drawn into a conversation, and don't talk about anything emotional.  Send a message, and say you need to go lie down or run an errand, then walk away from the phone and go do something healthy like nap, play with your son, or exercise.  Set your phone so his messages don't make a sound, so you aren't upset by hearing so many sounds from your phone.

How does all that sound?  Would you feel OK approaching things like that for the next few days?

WW

[Catlady3.14]

I sent. Him  one message assuring,him that I was done. He needed to take care of himself and that I care for him always and will be as civil and try to help with visitation as much as possible. That we're okay and I wouldn't be awake at 3 am!
He has sent me at least 500 messages. I keep the phone,on silent and I leave it plugged up usually
I haven't called a hotline. I would like to today, yes.
Husband has driven the 800 miles to where I am  currently and wants me to meet him where we meet four years ago. And he wanted me to be there in the middle of,the,night. He said he has,something for me and ALL will be right with. Us and it's all how much he cares and this time apart has made him realize that he needs to be the man I FIRsT met,
But how can I meet him. With our baby son? See this is not right. No one,would expect,that. I certainly wouldn't.
Before I knew that he wanted to meet up with me I told him I would be asleep because I have to rest and care for the baby.
So, he is waiting on me and I don't know how to tell him. I,don't want to meet him to stay together.
He has to fix himself and do better.
Him and I are toxic and it is unacceptable to me and my kids. I have made up my mind.
I have not dismissed the possibility of him getting better and possibly working things out in the future. Though I'm,not,counting on that either.
Mentally I am stabilizing, and feeling stronger than ever. I need myself back.
That hurts so much to,say!
How do I break this to him so gently and kindly?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Catlady,

I think you've shown incredible strength and courage. And good call on not going out to meet him in the middle of the night. That is completely unreasonable, especially in terms of your son, and potentially dangerous. You need to keep this on your own (rational) terms.

"Gently" might not be possible - it may be more of a "kindly" and "civilly" sitution. I think you would need some key messaging that you can repeat and not deviate from to communicate the situation to him. This might include things like:

- You love him and care about him, that will never change
- But the situation as it is has become intolerable to you
- List key incidents if needed to support above
- You will work together to create an ideal co-parenting situation

Regarding him fixing himself and doing better, personally I would not suggest including this part since it sounds like you are not sure this is a guarantee for reconciliation and might give him false hopes, e.g. more trouble for you down the line, "Look I changed! Why won't you take me back?" If he decides to make changes, it should be because he himself has observed the consequences of his actions and it has motivated him to improve the situation, not because he sees some "reconciliation clause" in getting help.

How do you anticipate he would respond to the above? We can help you to put a plan B in place if things don't go smoothly.

~Roland

[Turkish]

I wouldn't agree to meet him alone at all.  He had a gun the last time.  Even if he wasn't directly threatening you with it,  that's dangerous enough to stay away.

[Catlady3.14]

it has been all vwry irrational. to me.
i tell him it is over so he drives 800 milea to make a Grand romantic gesture he said he should have made 4 years ago.
and the meanness and madness seep throufh his messages.
it makes me feel sick to read. i really dont,know if with help,him and i could ever really be together. i am so damaged and hurt by all that he has done and said to me and my kids, the thoughta keep rolling in ovwr and over. and i cant believe how much i tolerated in this relationship.

i guess my message could be misleading and i should watch that.
he is determined that i will comeback to,him and well go to therapy like i begged him tp do for almost 2 years.
when he relapsed this last time and things whwre very bad.
hallucinations and a terrible time during which he was certain that my 13 yo had recorded him talking and was reporting my to the police.
My son wad sound asleep in his bed.
after that point i realized how sick,he was abd how endangered my kids were and i
he has asked how many times my baby boy asked for his dad... .well not even,once. but he (my baby) did tell me.
"me sorry daddy be mean to you, me sorry he be a butthole"
i reassure baby thay mom abd dad love him and we just cant get along sometimes, also that mom and dad are wrong for fighting.

[Catlady3.14]

i refused to meet him.
i told him i,was not,meeting him with,our son to see a scene annd see us fight or be upset. that baby had seen enough. and husband.' 'was goig, to be hurt since my decision was,final. and i was not going back with him.
i told him i could not come alone becaue i have never left baby with anyone nor will i.
i hate this crap. but im less stressed and freaking,out then i had to be with him. im only worried about the xhange that may affect the kids.

i did contact a hotline but they werent,of,much help. they didnt know anything about BPD.
i actually recommended. bpdfamily to them,as a reference source of help.
and explained the community aspects
anyhow.
i have not been,respondin. with him at all. he wants an explanation and a reason. and that to me is maddness.

well im going. to rest my weary head
night to all.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat,

I'm sorry to hear that the helpline you called weren't very supportive.  I'd encourage you not to give up however.  You're entitled to help and there are wide ranging services which I'm sure will be of benefit to your family.  If that particular helpline didn't understand your situation, another will and the key thing to impart upon them is that you have had xyz experiences and the current lay of the land is that you are living apart and he is contacting you non stop.  Let them know how you feel and that you could use someone to talk to about what your options are, safety planning and of course whilst they need to be aware your husband is mentally ill, the reason for your call is to talk about yourself and the kids - keeping you all safe and supported through this. 

I hope you will persist in getting the additional support and have more success with the next call.   

In the meantime, I'm in agreement with Turkish, that it would be very risky to agree to meet with him alone after the last time you saw him.  Stay safe Cat, and stay in touch. 

Love and light x