Husband made me terrified to even tell him I'm going out

[JWell]

My husband has BPD. Or possibly NPD. There is a bit of a crossover in symptoms, but I think BPD is the closest.

For almost 12 years I have been on the end of sporadic abusive rants, mental abuse, and violence.

When he's nice he's lovely. I know that's the only reason I've stayed in this relationship.

He seems to step up the abuse to completely unacceptable levels in order to get at me as much as possible. For example, as our kids got older it became obvious that they could hear the things he was saying/shouting at me. I left him and made it clear that was unacceptable. Of course he told me that he'd never do it again and made me every promise going.

However, when I returned he (intermittently) seemed to be doing the exact thing I'd asked for him not to, actively abusing me either right in front of the kids, or as loudly as possible so they could hear it from the room they were in.

He has also been violent to me a lot over the years. I have left him again recently as his behaviour over the past two months has become increasingly out of control.

His jealousy over the years has been off the scale, he's made me terrified to even tell him I'm going out, even just to my parents house. He's isolated me from friends. I have absolutely no idea why or how I let any of this happen.

I left him nearly three weeks ago. He has been seeing a psychologist since I left and tells me that he is working hard on reframing his behaviour. He acknowledges that he has BPD.

Obviously I could probably type for hours about what's gone on, but I thought I'd just give an outline as an introduction.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily!  I'm sorry to hear of your relationship troubles and pain over the years, but am glad you have found us.  This is an excellent place to get support.  I'm especially sorry that you've endured verbal and physical abuse over the years, but it's good to hear that you are safe now.  You are not alone.  We have members here with experiences similar to yours, and I expect other members will be joining us soon to give their support.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation, such as how long you've been married, and how old your kids are now?  The physical violence is important to understand.  Can you tell us about the worst incident, and the most recent incident (when and what happened)?

WW

[Cat Familiar]

Hi JW,
So you've endured physical, verbal and emotional violence for 12 years. What was most intolerable was knowing that your children overheard your husband shouting at you, so you left him. Though he promised to change that behavior, it began again when you returned.

Recently you left him again, as his behavior seems to be getting worse. His jealousy and possessiveness have isolated you from friends and family. And now, though he's acknowledging that he has BPD and is seeing a psychologist, you wonder if things will ever change.

You're definitely not alone.    These behavioral patterns totally fit the BPD playbook. I went through all of this with my first husband: the repeated promises of change and the repetitive patterns of physical and verbal abuse.

How this happened, you're wondering. Well, it slowly evolves. Many of us here are people pleasers and when we hear things like, ":)on't go, I don't want to be alone," we accommodate those desires of our partner. After a while even going to your parent's house has become too much.

I remember after I divorced my husband, one of my friends said, "You couldn't even go to the grocery store alone." It was absolutely true. He didn't want to let me out of his sight for a moment. Even if he didn't want to go into the store, he would sit in the car while I shopped.

So, don't blame yourself for not seeing how this pattern developed. It was a slow drip, drip, drip.

But now, you've taken control and you want things to change. If you haven't read the side panel, that's a good place to start. Also learning how to set boundaries is imperative with a BPD partner. Take a look at this link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

There's a lot to learn here and regardless of whether or not you want your marriage to continue, learning these strategies will help you co-parent your children.

Cat

[JWell]

Hi Cat,

Thanks so much for your reply. Whilst it's nice to hear I'm not alone, it's also horribly depressing to think others have gone through the same as me.

I am still (pathetically) worried about his reactions to my doing things even though I moved out three weeks ago - I think it's going to take quite a bit of time for that to stop.

I'll certainly have a look the posts. I just bought the Randi Kreger Eggshells books too which is how I found this site so I hope they too will help me with setting boundaries with him.

Thanks for your supportive words xx

[Baglady]

Hi JW,
I've been there (newly divorced after a 21yr marriage with my exBPDh) and like you I really question myself as to how or why I ended up in this situation.  I pride myself on being an intelligent, savvy, discerning individual and yet here I was putting up with behaviors that now in hindsight I should have dealt with somehow instead of tolerating them for way too many years. 
I agree with Cat Familiar - it was the slow drip drip erosion of boundaries over time in addition to the enmeshment that often happens between long-term couples (I also mistakenly thought that being married/being a good wife/loving someone = enmeshment too not having had the best of role models for marriage in my family of origin).
If it makes you feel any better, for MANY weeks after my divorce, I stacked my dishwasher in the exact (nonsensical) way that my ex absolutely insisted upon before realizing that I didn't have to do it this way anymore.  I have a hundred and one of these "habits" that I'm slowing learning to let go of.  Sometimes I feel like a victim of brainwashing!  I'm also questioning all of my choices and being uncharacteristically indecisive about things (i.e. wait do I really like this brand of granola or is that just that my ex insisted upon it?). Sometimes I catch myself doing some of these "habits" and I just try to roll my eyes, shake my head, and laugh at myself ruefully!
We HAVE to be kind to ourselves right now.
Warmly from a fellow sister on the road
B

[Cat Familiar]

it was the slow drip drip erosion of boundaries over time in addition to the enmeshment that often happens between long-term couples (I also mistakenly thought that being married/being a good wife/loving someone = enmeshment too not having had the best of role models for marriage in my family of origin).

Yep. Me too. I thought enmeshment was how love was expressed--as if there were no boundaries between him and me. And it was true that I had no boundaries and over the years I lost my identity too. Also I had no good role models either.

If it makes you feel any better, for MANY weeks after my divorce, I stacked my dishwasher in the exact (nonsensical) way that my ex absolutely insisted upon before realizing that I didn't have to do it this way anymore. 

   I think of all the rather odd quirks my ex had, one thing he insisted upon is useful. Whenever I turn a outdoor faucet on now, I don't turn it on fully 100%, because then, if I forget which direction is off (very likely since I'm right/left dyslexic), I don't turn it hard enough to damage it. Now that I think about it, this is probably the only useful tip I ever learned from him in all the years we were together.   At least there's one... .

[JWell]

Hi WW,

Thank you for the welcome.

We have been married for nearly five years and the kids are 12 and 9. The worst incidence of violence is quite difficult to choose from - quite possibly our first wedding anniversary. He was in a mood with me for something indefinable, then during the ensuing row he started pushing me around and then hitting me. He's usually a slap around the face type of man but he likes to mix it up sometimes. There have also been moments of strangling, and even a headbutt.

Last incidence was on new year's eve - he hadn't been drinking by the way. He'd been doling out his usual nastiness for a couple of weeks and we were barely speaking. On NYE he came into the room and asked if I was leaving him this time. What do you say to that? I said 'yes, what choice do I have' - this was a pretty standard conversation when we weren't speaking. I left the room to go up to the bathroom, and realised at the last minute that he'd followed me. He followed me into the bathroom - I told him I was going to the bathroom and could he leave. He started the usual verbal abuse, then snatched my glasses off my face and threw them on the floor. I asked him what he'd done that for (obviously he intended to hit me and didn't want to cut my face) and picked them up. He grabbed at them and I held on, a ridiculous tussle ensuing over the glasses that he ended by slamming my head against the wall. He then grabbed my head and neck and forced it back, digging his fingers into me as hard as he could, finishing off with a massive and very painful whack across my face.

The children have never seen the violence, it seems to be just the abuse he wants them to hear and witness.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry, JW.     No one deserves to be treated that way. Have you ever contacted the police or a Domestic Violence center?

I experienced what you have in my first marriage. It's just unbelievable that anyone would think they had the right to do that to their partner, but somehow they justify it.

My ex would hit me so bruises weren't visible to outsiders. That your husband snatched your glasses certainly indicates a possibility of premeditation.

If you haven't done counseling, I would highly recommend it. It really helped me, and continues to help me in my current marriage to a man with BPD, but who would be horrified to act the way my first husband did.

I think in that first marriage, I was having PTSD symptoms, or at least a stimulus/response to observing my husband starting to dysregulate. I would be on high alert and other times the anxiety became just another ambient part of my daily mood, wondering when he'd get out of control next.

Certainly it's no way to live and of course you don't want your children seeing these sorts of behaviors--or the consequences of these behaviors. What is your plan for the future?

[Baglady]

Dear JW,
I'm so, so sorry that you had to experience this level of violence in your marriage (I was more fortunate in that my husband mostly contained himself to verbal abuse). 

You absolutely do NOT deserve this type of treatment by anybody for any reason.

I hope that you are getting sufficient support from professionals who have experience with Domestic Violence?  You shouldn't have to go this alone.

I also hope that you are in a safe place right now?

Big hug 
B

[Radcliff]

JW, I'm sorry that you had to endure such serious violence.  I also understand that for some, verbal abuse and controlling behaviors feel even more damaging than the violence.

I'm glad you're safe.  Are you receiving therapy?  Have you talked face-to-face with a local domestic violence advocate?  What are your thoughts on the future of your marriage?

WW

[Harley Quinn]

JWell, I'd like to join the other posters in welcoming you and to say I'm so very glad that you found us.  

I arrived here under similar circumstances, as my dBPDbf at the time had escalated from verbal abuse and emotional blackmail to physical violence and things had snowballed badly.  I found myself excusing his behaviour because of his mental health until someone kindly pointed out that not all pwBPD are violent, so this is a choice that he made.  Instead of telling you all about my situation, I'll instead share a link to my very first post Here if you care to read it.  

JWell, the best thing that I did to help myself was to enlist the support of a domestic abuse advocate.  They were patient, kind and understanding and recognised that I was still minimising what had happened to me, without ever pointing this out.  In short they worked with me by meeting me where I was and giving me gentle encouragement and guidance as I fought my way out of the FOG  They supported me in so many ways, including setting me up with counselling, providing a recovery course, home security, legal advice etc. and you will probably find as I did that you're surprised at the scope of what they can do for you.  Without that local service and this support group I doubt I'd have gotten very far.

Who else knows about your situation and does your husband know your whereabouts?  I'll echo others in asking if you feel safe right now?  Please keep us informed on how you're doing.  

Love and light x

[JWell]

Hi, many thanks for your replies. Yes, I'm absolutely fine.

Just to be clear, these incidences of violence weren't constant, maybe once a year (obviously once a year too many) but I don't want it to sound like he's totally out of control all the time and is out looking for me! So, please don't worry about me.

I am looking for a counsellor to discuss things with right now.

Thanks all for your concern.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  I'm glad you're safe, and are looking for a counselor.  When looking for a counselor, consider getting referrals from local domestic violence agencies.  Many, many counselors do not understand domestic abuse and how we can get entrapped in those situations.  You want someone who "gets it."

You mentioned that the physical abuse was rather rare.  This is actually not uncommon.  In many abusive relationships physical abuse is used as a "last resort" tactic when other forms of abuse don't give the abuser the leverage they are looking for.  You can learn more about the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior by looking at a very useful graphic called the Relationship Spectrum.  A particularly helpful page on abuse defined shows how many different forms of abuse there can be, in particularly non-physical controlling behaviors.

WW