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Author Topic: Testing the warning signs and it went just how I thought it would  (Read 363 times)
GettingMarried

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« on: July 29, 2018, 11:42:16 AM »

Hi all,

I decided yesterday to test the waters with my BPD fiancee and see if I'm getting better at reading warning signs. I've been trying to key in on the times when she is most likely to melt down to help me figure out when to avoid her and there are some definite components.

It starts with "I'm so tired" out of the blue in the afternoon/evening. We were out running some errands and all of a sudden she starts in on the "I'm so tired, I have to go home right now." On the way home, I note that she is starting in on her repetitive behaviors - eyebrow touching, skin and lip picking. By the time we are almost home, I can hear her words starting to slur together as though she's been drinking but as far as I know she hasn't. Melt down in 3, 2, 1... .

She wants to watch a movie even though I suggest that she might want to lay down. Before the movie even starts, there is a preview for the Robin Williams documentary and I mention that I don't think that every person who commits suicide is necessarily mentally ill even though a lot of media portrays it that way. I say this knowing she'll melt down because she works in behavioral health and god forbid anyone have an opinion other than her about mental health.

Sure enough, the "I'm in the field" comes out and despite whatever attempt I might make to say, we can just disagree, it devolves into a freak out. At one point she literally says "I want to punch you in the face" and when I ask her to say it again says, "I'm just mumbling." For her, it is a worst case scenario that someone might have an opinion that differs from hers. Narcissism clearly at work - this is a common complaint she brings home from work. A differing opinion to her is disrespect of the first order.

She then falls asleep on the couch about 5 minutes later.

So there it is... ."I'm tired" + body focused repetitive behaviors + slurring = get the heck out of there as soon as possible or shift into "poor baby" mode to mirror how she most likely got attention as a child.

Ugh. I don't know if I can really do this forever.
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pearlsw
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"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2018, 04:15:22 AM »

Hi GettingMarried,

Oh my! You really seem to have an awareness of what she is doing! That has its plus side - that you can see what she is doing very clearly.

On the other hand, if you had to take a big step back here, what could you do to improve the situation?

In a way, you telling her to sleep when she says she wants to see a movie seems to be inviting, whether you mean it to or not, some conflict. Any chance that if she is sleepy anyway, you could just say, yeah let's watch the movie with the hope the movie might just put her to sleep? Then you aren't there telling her what to do or not do about her sleepiness, ya know? I understand that it should not be a big deal to say that, making a suggestion, however well-intentioned, but it seems to have the potential for conflict built right into it.

Also, if you know she is about to meltdown, why offer an opinion about a controversial topic during this time frame? You could come here to BPD family and start an interesting thread on this topic and we could all discuss it with you. Smiling (click to insert in post) I didn't know that there was a new documentary about Robin William and that sounds interesting. He was a fascinating human, full of talent, and I find comedians, and the craft of comedy itself, fascinating. I remember being on vacation in Italy many summers ago when I heard he died, and not just died suddenly, but had committed suicide, and that he had a terrible illness, etc., etc. In other words, come and talk it over with us! We're interested and we can handle your opinions and it might give us all a chance to practice talking over potentially controversial topics with our partners. It might also help you feel listened to if you are missing out on that a bit.

It is hard to not be able to talk over certain things with our partners, but it is important to learn when we could talk things over if we just observed some communication rules, and when perhaps something is inevitably going to lead to discord and it might be worth avoiding or limiting.

For example, I've learned I don't like to talk over certain things with my SO related to his kids. My SO wants my help and that is nice, but I have to be careful that it doesn't set off my own emotions and strict beliefs on certain topics - it is not always him that makes a topic difficult. And it is good to see and acknowledge when we ourselves can also be difficult, even if it is often in relation to their issues.

Here's another personal example: I don't like when his kids start blaming his teacher's for things. At times I think they don't take enough responsibility and want to blame their teachers when in my opinion they aren't doing something they need to do, but I am come from another generation and culture. But I recognize this is about my own beliefs and baggage. I am just hearing about these issues second hand for the most part, and my SO has a really demanding/pressured way of asking for help sometimes. Although I also have to admit he is pretty amazing in terms of being willing to get help from other people, how little ego he has in fact in terms of thinking he always knows best.

I've learned I have to set some boundaries around it, around these and other types of discussions involving him/his kids/and his ex, so I don't get upset. I give a little to help him, and then I move onto other things that make me happy instead of stressed. He stresses me because his problem solving skills are not so strong and I don't like getting pulled too deeply into his parenting/ex wife stuff after many years of it. Again, with some things I can help, but not when it just feels like the life is being sucked out of me.

And I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get this, I'm just rereading your post, but, her saying she wants to punch you in the face is totally unacceptable by the way. Actual violence or threats of violence should be a strict red line. Is she physically violent with you? How do you feel about the threats of violence? How do you respond to this?

wishing you peace, pearl.
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GettingMarried

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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2018, 03:03:05 PM »

On the other hand, if you had to take a big step back here, what could you do to improve the situation?

In this case I was "poking the bear" to see if I was right guessing what the reaction would be. My aim was to figure out if the warning signs do, in fact, lead to a blow out so that I can then reorient based on those warning signs. Part of that is because whenever she's in melt down mode she twists things around enough to be disorienting. This demonstrated (for me) that it essentially doesn't matter what I say during the lead up to a melt down, she's going to make it into a knock down, drag out fight.

So now that I'm getting a sense of how to tell when the storm is on the horizon, I need to figure out what to do to survive it. If I leave, she's mad that I left. If I don't talk, she accuses me of shutting down. It seems my only option is to put her show on the television and then sit next to her in silence until she falls asleep, hoping that she doesn't try to prompt an argument. Even then, I tested this approach last night and it didn't pan out.

When the BFRB's start, she NEEDS to have her legs rubbed in a very particular way. Her parents did this when she was a kid and when we first started dating I thought it was just something she occasionally liked, like a foot massage after a long day.  I've since realized that this is a not a pleasurable thing but a rather a coping strategy for her and consequently, a task that I'm required to do. So last night, I sat there, rubbing her leg, but apparently not in a satisfactory enough way and she got upset about it and glared at me/pouted. In this instance, I think she knows just how crazy it would be to yell at me about it, so she didn't actually say anything and just sulked. I'm at the point of wanting to put video cameras in the house so that I can show footage to a sane person to validate that this is not normal behavior.

I feel pretty trapped right now (wedding is in a month, everyone is flying out and has all of their travel and lodging booked, the mortgage is signed and finalized) and so I'm desperate to figure out how to navigate this. I had hoped that she'd get back on prozac to at least scale back the repetitive behaviors and the anxiety but first it was "it's in the garage and I can't find it" and now it is "I don't believe in pharma" (which is odd, since she was on them when we first met).

This was the first time she threatened violence toward me and I agree that it is totally unacceptable. I did ask her to repeat herself and she clearly knew she'd been wrong to say it because she said, "I'm just mumbling." If she were to have repeated it, I would have told her that threats of violence or actual violence is a red line for me. She is physically violent in terms of slamming doors or breaking/throwing things. I've told her before that it isn't okay for me. She has mentioned that she saw psychologists and was medicated as a child for "anger issues" which leads me to think that she's had some of these issues her entire life. Her stated opinion is that child psychology is BS and the medications made her feel worse. She's "in the field" so there is no discussing that with her.

Like many posters on here, I just want some peace. It has gotten so much worse since we moved in together that I feel like I walked right into a trap.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2018, 11:12:36 AM »


It starts with "I'm so tired" out of the blue in the afternoon/evening. We were out running some errands and all of a sudden she starts in on the "I'm so tired, I have to go home right now." On the way home, I note that she is starting in on her repetitive behaviors - eyebrow touching, skin and lip picking. By the time we are almost home, I can hear her words starting to slur together as though she's been drinking but as far as I know she hasn't. Melt down in 3, 2, 1... .


I want to focus in on this a little. What was going on right before she said she was tired. YOu mentioend that you were out running errands. How long were you out? Is she an introvert?

I'm an introvert and when I'm out doing errands after more than 3 stops or 1 1/2 hours I reach a point where I'm just done. If I push myself past that point, then I will get angry, snappy, and anxious. In my mind it sounds like I'm screaming "It's so loud out here" over and over and I have an intense need to get away from noise and crowds and people. Could she have some environmental sensitivity going on?

Have you tried to validate her tiredness? "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling tired. Did it just hit you at once or have you feel the tiredness coming on for awhile?"
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

Donalith

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« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2018, 11:19:04 AM »

It sounds, after reading the work you've been doing to study and avoid her meltdowns, that you're starting to build yourself a guide to figuratively walk on eggshells the rest of your life.

If you take a step back what would you call this behavior in someone else?
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