Update: Mom seems too good to be true, stressed about college

[starbucksgirl]

Hi again, I read all your comments from my last post and am taking all your advice, thank you so much. One person mentioned that BP moms often view their children as an extension of themselves. This really stuck out to me because I often have felt that my mom always had the expectations for me that I would be the same and do the same things she did when she was my age. It has always frustrated me because they are unrealistic and today's day and age is very different from her time. But now I understand her viewpoint more and can realize that I need to put my needs first and be who i want to be and she should understand that.

Anyways, my mom has actually been doing really well. She hasn't had any huge rage outbursts or episodes of screaming at my dad or I. She works 9-5 most days so I don't always see her which is nice quiet time for me but she has been very kind to me and seems normal like some days I forget she has BPD. I believe that this is caused by her joy of having me home for the summer since she doesn't see me 9 months out of the year since I'm at college now. She has been having us do a lot of things together and we are about to go on a family vacation but I am leaving for college again in 2 weeks and I see her getting sad already and I am worried she is going to start freaking out again soon because she won't be able to control me or stay as close in contact with me anymore.

I am also worried because this past year in college my mom acted very very crazy and constantly texted me every second asking where i was, what i was doing, what i was eating, etc. and hardly left me alone. She had me call her every saturday morning and if i told her i had plans she would freak out and yell at me and i would get so stressed out over her being upset with me, my plans of having fun were ruined and all i could think about was her upset at me. Even when she is not in college to control me, she still found ways too. I went to my school's therapist every 2 weeks to talk about this and it was very helpful. I just don't want the same thing to happen again. I love my mom and I love to tell her things and keep her updated on my life and I tell her this, but I just can't tell her every single thing all the time, i want to have space to breathe on my own.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi starbucksgirl, 

So nice to hear from you! Are you getting excited about going back to college at all or is it overshadowed by the anxiety about your mom? I think it would be completely normal to have both responses, and I'm glad you are headed back.

I definitely see why you would be concerned. Since you know that what took place last year didn't work well, what options do you think there might be that you could do differently this coming year? I'm thinking if you can try something different and hold firmly to it, then hopefully you can have a boundary firmly in place. Could you set up a day/time once a week (or however much you decide) to call her for example?

What ideas do you have?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

It might help to be proactive and start running your new boundaries by her now before you leave.  "Hey mom,  I appreciate all that you've done for me,  and being home on summer break has been great.  I've really enjoyed spending time with you.    second year is going to be harder,  however,  and right now I'm not sure of how my study schedule is going to go.  Can we touch base M, Th, Sunday mornings to catch up? Maybe you can suggest a time to call and given the schedule, we can adjust accordingly?" Throw the ball into her court while giving her choices. 

I realize that these days is harder with texting.  I had a landline, but was typically on campus from 7-9 or 10PM, no cell phone in my day.

Anybody else have any suggestions on how to assert text boundaries in a gentle but firm way? Other than BIFF.

"What are you eating?"



"That looks great! Do you enjoy it?"

"Yes... .gotta go study now. Good night mom."   

[Notwendy]

Hi Starbucks girl-

Although BPD makes these transitions harder for the person with BPD, many parents have difficulty "letting go" at this stage. We've spent 18 years with our child at home and now they are not at home all the time ( can you tell I'm a mom  ?) . pwBPD have difficulty handling their own tough feelings. Emotionally mature parents realize that- although they miss their children- this is an important step towards adulthood and they respect the child's boundaries. A BPD parent who views their child as an extension of themselves won't. If a parent without BPD misses their child, they manage it, while a BPD parent might text or call every time they feel sad or anxious.

I think it is great that you are seeing the school counselor with this. I think it is very helpful to get support for your boundaries. I grew up with a BPD mother and I was not used to having boundaries with her. She would get angry if I did and I would feel anxious and scared as if I was doing something wrong. To her, I was, but not for me and not for an emotionally healthy adult- boundaries are important.

Perhaps it would help to establish a schedule that suits you. Let's say you will call your mother every Wednesday and Sunday evening. This way she knows when you will call. If she calls or texts on a Tuesday, you can reinforce this by texting back- Hi Mom, everything is fine, I will call you Wednesday evening. Then keep to that boundary. Let her know you will call if you are feeling ill, or other urgent or important things to tell her but otherwise, stick to your scheduled calls.

Focus on doing your best. This is an important step towards you being independent and when you are, you will have more freedom than you feel now. Your mom wants this for you too, but she is also scared of these new changes. Also, one of my roles with BPD mother was to be her emotional caretaker. This isn't your job as a child of a BPD mother, but leaving for college- she loses that support. That is how is should be. You seem closer to your mother than I was. I was her scapegoat "black child" who she blamed her problems on. Then, when I wasn't home, she didn't have as many reasons to do that. A child leaving for college changes the family dynamics. It is how it should be! You are growing up and that's an important step to take. But keep in mind too that this is an adjustment for everyone- a good one but still an adjustment.

You may realize by now that you are emotionally "older" than your mother. This is an odd feeling as you may not feel all grown up yet. There are still many adults in your life to help you navigate your way- the college counselors can help you with emotional/family issues, and your professors can help you with academic and career questions. You've got everything you need to be a successful adult- with both boundaries and compassion for your BPD mother- but do not let her feelings interfere with your path.

[Learning2Thrive]

Notwendy wrote:

You've got everything you need to be a successful adult- with both boundaries and compassion for your BPD mother- but do not let her feelings interfere with your path.

This is excellent advice, and something I hope you will hold close to your heart when the difficult times come.

Turkish and Woolspinner have also given some excellent practical ideas on establishing boundaries over contact time after you return to school.

Does your mother have any hobbies or activities she enjoys (on her own or with her own friends)? It might be useful to steer some of your conversations away from you and your activities and on to her and her activities. As Notwendy mentioned, your emotional maturity exceeds that of your mother. She wants your attention and has demonstrated she will do whatever she needs to do in order to get it (good or bad). What would happen if you proactively took an interest in her activities by having some questions ready for her? Validate the heck out of anything she does that doesn’t revolve around or involve you?

Hang in there. Try to keep calm and take good care of yourself. It’s normal to want to separate from your mother. I’m glad you have access to support and counseling at your school.

  L2T

[Panda39]

I agree with the others.  Yes, "mom seems to good to be true" because right now having you there in your usual role is soothing her.  You are stressed because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop... .when her anxiety about you leaving again starts to surface.

I want to point out that the above is about her, about her issues and managing her feelings.  You are not responsible for her feelings or managing them she is.

When she goes off the rails about you leaving again and I think you're right she likely will, you might try using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) communication,  below is a link to more on SET... .

SET (Support, Empathy, Truth)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

An example of this might be... .Mom, I want you to feel more comfortable about my going back to school (Support). Because I can see that it's hard for you now that I have to go back (Empathy). But I also know that you want me to be a successful adult and you know this is what I need to do to accomplish that (Truth).

or

Mom, I want to make my transition back to college easier for you (Support), because I know from last year that my leaving for college caused stress just like it does for most parents (Empathy), But you know that I need to go and I will be in touch with you as we agreed (reinforce whatever agreement you make about contact) (Truth).

We've also been talking a lot about boundaries so I also want to share a couple of links with information on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

It’s normal to want to separate from your mother.

I want to emphasize this. This is why some teens go to extremes- because it is a normal stage to be separating from their parents- and they want to do different things- so they dress differently, listen to their own music, choose their friends. I think some of the extremes are not wise, and not necessary, but it is a normal stage to declare " I am ME" even though teens may not fully know who they are.

As a parent, I can tell you that this stage feels hurtful at times- and it takes a mature parent to not take it personally- to not feel why don't you want to be like me? But we have to step back and see that our kids are who they are- with separate goals. We hope they incorporate the good values we taught them- but they are going to take their own paths.

As a former teen ager with a BPD mother I realize how difficult it was to separate from her- because we were not allowed to upset her.  It may feel odd to you to separate thinking you are doing something wrong because it hurts her feelings, but you are doing something perfectly normal. As long as you can do this with compassion for her, and boundaries, you are on the right path. Let the counselors at college help you with this. They are experienced with students becoming their own person and parents learning to "let go".

[Woolspinner2000]

  Starbucksgirl!

I have to say that for the stress you anticipate in leaving home with your uBPDm, as I read all these wonderful encouraging responses, you have 4 moms and a dad coaching you on with awesome words of wisdom!   I think it's grand! We are sending you off with so many of those encouraging words and advice and hugs that we each wished we had and know that you need.

 
Wools