New girl admits abandonment issues on first date

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So its 16 months since I split with a girl I suspect had BPD... .she would never apologise, never acknowledge her part in arguments, and always had to be the victim, and when we ended would not even entertain the idea of having me back or going to therapy.  

I've just met  a new girl she seems great but 1) is freshly out of a 10 month relationship in the last 6 weeks that she acknowledges the split was her her fault because she pushed him too far, so he ended it and she's been very upset since it ended.  2) says she's in therapy and doing her best to acknowledge her anger and abandonment issues and work on them. 3) Isn't sure if she has BPD but isn't ruling it out.  

Having dated a girl who would never acknowledge any of her shortcomings, this does feel like a breath of fresh air to meet a girl that at least acknowledges she has issues and is attempting to tackle them.  Yet I'm concerned both about 1) simply being a rebound and 2) if it is BPD - knowing that just because they admit a problem , isn't the same as solving it.

This girl has had a 7 year relationship though (from 19 to 26, she's 29 now), and claims to have never been the one to end any of her relationships, so I don't see the Idealize, Devalue, Discard pattern there.  Though some other typical BPD stuff looks to be present... .dynamite sex, intense, jealous, possibly idealising me right now  (I've never been called amazing so many times after just one weekend with someone).

It makes a huge difference that I actually know about BPD this time, last time I had no clue and didn't figure out what it was til we were over.  o I stand a chance of making this work, going in with some BPD knowledge from the outset?  

[Dargumin]

So its 16 months since I split with a girl I suspect had BPD... .she would never apologise, never acknowledge her part in arguments, and always had to be the victim, and when we ended would not even entertain the idea of having me back or going to therapy.  

I've just met  a new girl she seems great but 1) is freshly out of a 10 month relationship in the last 6 weeks that she acknowledges the split was her her fault because she pushed him too far, so he ended it and she's been very upset since it ended.  2) says she's in therapy and doing her best to acknowledge her anger and abandonment issues and work on them. 3) Isn't sure if she has BPD but isn't ruling it out.  

Having dated a girl who would never acknowledge any of her shortcomings, this does feel like a breath of fresh air to meet a girl that at least acknowledges she has issues and is attempting to tackle them.  Yet I'm concerned both about 1) simply being a rebound and 2) if it is BPD - knowing that just because they admit a problem , isn't the same as solving it.

This girl has had a 7 year relationship though (from 19 to 26, she's 29 now), and claims to have never been the one to end any of her relationships, so I don't see the Idealize, Devalue, Discard pattern there.  Though some other typical BPD stuff looks to be present... .dynamite sex, intense, jealous, possibly idealising me right now  (I've never been called amazing so many times after just one weekend with someone).

It makes a huge difference that I actually know about BPD this time, last time I had no clue and didn't figure out what it was til we were over.  o I stand a chance of making this work, going in with some BPD knowledge from the outset?  

[Insom]

Do I stand a chance of making this work, going in with some BPD knowledge from the outset? 

What is your gut telling you about the possibilities of this relationship? 

[Dargumin]

What is your gut telling you about the possibilities of this relationship?  

My gut says I learned about BPD for a reason. I thought it was to try help my ex, maybe it wasn't.
I also feel that forewarned is forearmed - I couldn't possibly be so hurt this time if it didn't work... .could I?

[Insom]

My gut says I learned about BPD for a reason.

What do you think is the reason?

[JNChell]

She has laid out in full view to you her personal list of concerning patterns. Knowing this, and knowing how you felt after the fallout from your last relationship, how does that sit with you?

[Dargumin]

What do you think is the reason?

Well mainly to understand what the hell happened in my last relationship... .to make sense of it all.   And I thought I could somehow help my ex on to a better path after I made sense of it, but she wasn't interested in the slightest.  Maybe the reason was for this  new girl, who at least admits to her faults... .but in general I'm such a sceptic, I don't typically believe in fate etc, but this feels like too much to be a coincidence.     

[Dargumin]

She has laid out in full view to you her personal list of concerning patterns. Knowing this, and knowing how you felt after the fallout from your last relationship, how does that sit with you?

The fallout of the last one was that I was made out to be the bad guy, I was split black  and it hurt so much to be split black. This new girl seems to get angry but doesn't seem interested in splitting her ex's black, so it may be more workable... .only time will tell I guess.   

[once removed]

hi Dargumin,

its important to know that everyone has abandonment fears, some more than others. many here, including myself, have had issues around them.

so my first bit of advice is when you run into this stuff in the dating world, dont leap to BPD, or leap ("run" from issues that pop up... .better to learn to spot the differences between every day common dysfunction and issues (which we all have) and long stemming pathology. and short of really, really obvious signs, you cant do that on the first few dates, often not in the first three months. better there to look for how the two of you are "clicking", whether or not its healthy or dysfunctional. so, it would help if you tell us more about that.

two things do jump out at me from reading your post.

the first is that shes fresh out of a ten month relationship. that can take significant time to grieve. im not of the mind that its unhealthy to casually date while youre grieving if youre upfront with yourself about it and what youre looking for, and communicate it to dates.

but not everyone takes that approach. a lot of people look for a new relationship to get over the old one, to soothe those wounds. although not necessarily healthy, its pretty common. and speaking broadly (we dont have enough to go on to say this about her specifically), doing so commonly stems from abandonment issues, or rejection issues, or immaturity, or a lot of things.

the second thing is that youre approaching this with vigilance. looking for "signs". wondering if she has BPD, that sort of thing. i think thats only going to trip you up. piggybacking on what i mentioned earlier, i think a more helpful strategy is to know what youre looking for and pursue it, and build on it. is that present? what do you like about her? how do the two of you get on and communicate? are you feeling it, or just along for the ride?

[JNChell]

would not even entertain the idea of having me back or going to therapy

Ok. Reflecting back to your last relationship... .You thought that you  could fix her. You were actually quite pushy about it. You thought that you could achieve that by contacting her friends.

Are you saying that you’re completely healed, and ready to take on a potential Borderline?

I've just met  a new girl she seems great but 1) is freshly out of a 10 month relationship in the last 6 weeks that she acknowledges the split was her her fault because she pushed him too far, so he ended it and she's been very upset since it ended.  2) says she's in therapy and doing her best to acknowledge her anger and abandonment issues and work on them. 3) Isn't sure if she has BPD but isn't ruling it out.   

Do you see any  ’s in any of this?

dynamite sex,

First date? She’s not counting BPD out? Come on man. See ya back on Detaching if you commit.

[Turkish]

You have the experience and the support and Bettering Tools on your side here.  For me,  it would boil down to why, and how much work would I want to put into this more than a relationship that didn't involve possible BPD? I would ask myself this given that 97% of women don't have BPD.  Would you be willing to do the work,  and work is what you would have to do, more than a r/s with any other of the 97%?

[gotbushels]

Dargumin   

Congratulations on putting yourself out there again.

I join the others in supporting you here.

I want to second and highlight a few things that once removed suggested to you.

dont leap to BPD [... .]
better to learn to spot the differences between every day common dysfunction and issues (which we all have) and long stemming pathology.

and short of really, really obvious signs, you cant do that on the first few dates, often not in the first three months.

I want to share that I did date someone after the pwBPD relationship--this person opened up fairly quickly in the way that she was quite open about things that some might consider unwanted issues. After some time it seemed she was pretty healthy and approached relationships in a way I'd expect a healthy person to do so.

I think from a non's perspective, you might have a lot of BPD-related things on your mind because of whatever work or research you've been doing--I think it's important to remember in this context what once removed said--try to avoid leaping to BPD-related things.

I'd also try to remember that the simple probability of running into a pwBPD on a date is something like 1 in 17 women. That's 16 out of 17 without BPD. Pretty good odds for you. 

the first is that shes fresh out of a ten month relationship. that can take significant time to grieve.

Yes.

Maybe the reason was for this  new girl, who at least admits to her faults... .

I think this "at least" here is a good start. Being able to look back on a failed relationship and be willing to take responsibility for your contributions (including the negative), that seems a step up from date-and-breakup patterns.

I hope you're enjoying your peace.

[Insom]

Hi, Dargumin.  You've gotten some interesting feedback here in the last few days.  How are you feeling?  What do you think?